To feel this upset about not having another baby?

[Writerwannabe83]

We have a DS who is 13 months. I have various health problems that made my pregnancy more complicated and when I was pregnant we said that if me and the baby came out of it in good health then we'd count our blessings and have an only child as opposed to risking my health again.

Over the last 6 months though I've had fleeting thoughts about having another baby, not having one now, but sometime in the future and I could envisage it happening and I liked the thought.

Out of me and DH he was always the one who was more determined that we wouldn't have another.

We have just been chatting about remortgaging (we've had a few meetings with a financial advisor) and basically it came out that DH definitely isn't bothered about having another baby and that as far as he's concerned it's not an option.

I know I can't force him but I genuinely, genuinely thought that as the years passed he would start to feel like another baby would be a wonderful addition to our family. He was just so nonchalant about having another baby and he was giving me his reasons for not wanting another and I felt my eyes well up with tears.

It upset me so much to think that I will never be pregnant again or have another child.

My DH said, "I'm happy with what we've got, I'm happy with just one." and although I absolutely adore my DS I feel like a 2nd child would be the icing on the cake.

I dread the day when DS starts asking for a brother or sister, or asking why he hasn't got one

I couldn't look my DH in the eye during the mortgage discussion as I didn't want him to see that I was fighting back tears.

I know I can't force him to want/have another baby and I need to make my peace with that, but I feel so upset about it and upset with him.

I know his wishes trump mine in this situation but it upsets me to think that because of him I'm going to be deprived of something that I actually really want.

I know it's me who has moved the goal posts so I shouldn't complain but I guess a part of me always thought we'd have another so to hear DH say he definitely doesn't want another (and basically say the decision is final) just makes me so sad.

How do other couples cope in this situation? I'm worried about resentment forming.

I did a while ago shewept - months and months ago probably. I did calm down a little then but I guess I hadn't fully accepted it.

A few weeks ago we were sorting out all of DS's old clothes and toys and I had them bagged up for the Charity Shop but at the last minute DH said we should put them in the loft 'just until we know for sure that we aren't going to have another'. I told him that I thought the decision had already been made and he said that we just don't know what will happen in the future.

I think that renewed my hope a little and probably why I started believing again that having a 2nd child was a possibility. That's probably why I feel so upset, because my hopes have been dashed again.

It's hard to have an opinion without knowing how serious the health problems could be.

From previous posts, health aside, I would say you should have another child. I'm sure your DH would not regret it when they are here.

I have got epilepsy and a history of SVT. All that happened was that at 20 weeks I needed to have my epilepsy drugs increased and start on a low dose of beta blockers as I started having palpitations. I had a pla

I think YABU to try and force him into having a child he doesn't want.

I can understand why he is not keen if your previous pregnancy was high risk, even if those risks did not come to fruition.

Sorry, pressed too soon. I had a planned CS to prevent any complications with my epilepsy.

Everything was fine though.

I would say he is NBU if he's holding back because he is worried about your health but he is BU if it's because of the age thing. Or perhaps he's just saying that to cover up his fears for your health?

His main reasons/excuses are:

1. so we can pay the mortgage off
2. so we can take DS on nice holidays
3. "imagine the childcare costs" 4)my

4. my health
5. his age

I am not clued up on those problems during pregnancy. Could it lead into something serious? We're you just lucky last time? What has been the medical advice?

Why does pp think your dh isn't that bothered about the relationship.

I think they are all valid reasons. But also not enough that everyone should say no, to. They are enough for me.

YANBU to be upset, but as someone who was in a similar situation, and didn't end up with a second DC, I would say it may be that just having one ends up being for the best.

When DH and I got together, we agreed we would only have one. I hadn't anticipated how much I would love being a Mum though, and once I had one, really wanted another. DH was eventually persuaded, and we did try, but it didn't happen.

DS is 7 now, and I have come to terms with him being an only. He is happy with his family, and I have got back into a hobby I enjoyed before he came along. I really feel now, that I would have found two quite hard work, whereas being Mum to one is both easy, and really enjoyable.

They were more concerned about my epilepsy really in case the levels of my drug in my system dropped which could then cause a seizure. I had regular blood tests to watch this and at 20 weeks my levels dropped below therapeutic range so my dose was increased a little.

With regards my palpitations there was just a worry that if they weren't bought under control then I could have another episode of SVT which could be very serious. I was on that tiniest dose though as the max dose you can have is 10mg and I was only on 1.25mg.

His reasons for not wanting another are valid and dismissing them as "excuses" is unfair and slightly petulant. Stopping at one was something you both previously agreed on.

I think you need to keep talking before you both decide finally. His reasons are bizarre in my opinion (apart from your health)

Your DS would have more fun with a sibling than from 'nice holidays' although of course only children do have fun too. But seeing a child with its sibling.... Nothing makes them laugh (and cry of course) more.

Hi op, I've read all your posts for a while as we have babies of a similar age so I remember you from other boards.

My dh went very odd with me after ds1-he was 24 and just didn't feel he wanted another. It was very upsetting for me and looking back I think he was having a general life-wobble and just needed time to work through it without thinking about creating another child. In the end, we went for another and another!Ds3 is my last although dh has agreed we can leave the door 'ajar' as it helps me accept my decision iyswim.

I don't think your dh is out just yet but he needs time to work it out. You need to tell him clearly that you would like another baby, that you know he is unsure but if he can give it some thought it would mean a lot. Then properly shelve it for a while. You are both young and can afford to take a year to think about stuff.

Good luck with making a decision that suits you both. Just be honest with him, let him be honest with you, then put it to one side to give you both time to enjoy life without the pressure of having to make a decision for a while.

My husband refused no 3 as said pregnancy was too stressful etc ( i had fab pregnancies , gained very little weight ran throghout and was very healthy so wasnt stressful from my side!). I dealt with almost all MW & hospital appts alone plus he worked away all week so didnt actually have to deal with them that much at all. Plus money was no object. Part of me will always hate him for it and now I am too old. Really bitter. If you want it - go for it - really wish i had.

We have a slight time restraint because the mortgage guy is coming back in two weeks for us to sign the paperwork to commit to an 8 year fixed deal in order to pay it off quickly. Once that paperwork is signed then all dreams of a 2nd child are over as there's absolutely no way we could afford another child alongside the monster mortgage payments

I going to feel like I'm signing my future away

I actually dreamt last night that my sister and best friend both announced their pregnancy and my sadness seemed so real.

And now I get to go to work and be surrounded by babies all day.

I know there could be possible problems in pregnancy but if every one used that as as reason not to have a baby then there'd be no babies anywhere.

I feel upset because he's using my health as his main reason for not wanting another but I don't believe him, I just think he genuinely doesn't want another. To not want a baby is absolutely fine but to use my health as a 'cover up' reason seems pretty low. It's like he's putting all blame at my feet and saying that even though it's him saying no to another child, really it's my fault because I'm the one with the health issues. It's an easy get out clause for him, it absolves him off all guilt and responsibility around the decision he has made. It feels lousy.

But he has told you he doesn't want one and it's upset up you. He told you, last night you he will have a second and because you know he doesn't want one, it still upset you.

Maybe your health isn't the reason, or maybe it's a small reason that adds to the whole decision.

If he doesn't want one, he doesn't want one. So either you don't have one or he concedes even though he may not that be bothered.

He isn't wrong to want another, just like you are not wrong to want one. You can hope he eventually changes his mind. But you can't bet on it. What you want is for him to feel differently, but he doesn't. He feels how he feels. You feel how you feel. This is one of the most difficult decisions in marriage, when you don't agree. I am really sorry this is so difficult for you.

It's very hard when one wants more children and the other doesn't. Both feelings are valid.

OP, he can't seem to win here. You both agreed to only have one child. Now it is you going back on it and you are resentful. He has now said he would have another one - for you, not for him, he's been open about the fact he doesn't want another - and you are still resentful!

I think you are being hard on him. He must be puzzled by your change of mind but is reluctantly trying to get his head possibly round having another child when he definitely doesn't want one. It must be difficult for him.

Why don't you get him to postpone the mortgage commitment until you've both had time to reassess and discuss until you can come to a mutually satisfactory decision about whether to have another dc or not.

I don't fully understand the issue. Not many people can afford 2 lots of childcare. That is why most people these days have a bigger age gap. Have the 2nd baby when the first is 3.5 ish. That way your lo is in preschool and school before you return from maternity leave. And you can still pay the mortgage off.

Your little baby is 13 months, enjoy your little family and embrace the dream of financial freedom.

And lol re dh's age, that's just ridiculous. And you are being a little dramatic imo.

And its perfectly reasonable to change your mind re another one. How on earth are you meant to know how many children you want in advance?

Your ds is quite young still. My dh (and I tbh) didn't want another and then suddenly she got to about 18mo, could talk a bit, feed herself, interact more and we thought how nice another would be for everyone. He was really up for it so we went for it and fell pregnant when she was23 mo. It might be worth another discussion when your ds is a bit bigger

You're quite far down the road if someone is coming round with mortgage paperwork - why did you agree to that, are you being pressured into it? Dh and I won't pay our mortgage off till the year we retire - that's ok, that's why we work.
I think many many peoples must say, when pregnancy especially, that they are never doing it again! I don't think this is legally binding! Dh knew from the start I never wanted dcs, he had to accept this. We now have two, who are the highlights of our lives and cost an arm an a leg to get one of them due to unexpected problems
I would try to buy yourself some breathing space. Could the mortgage not be for 15 years, some kind of compromise?

the other option re the mortgage is you get one that allows you to overpay. That way you can save money up instead but still have flexibility if things change.