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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this upset about not having another baby?

90 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 20:59

We have a DS who is 13 months. I have various health problems that made my pregnancy more complicated and when I was pregnant we said that if me and the baby came out of it in good health then we'd count our blessings and have an only child as opposed to risking my health again.

Over the last 6 months though I've had fleeting thoughts about having another baby, not having one now, but sometime in the future and I could envisage it happening and I liked the thought.

Out of me and DH he was always the one who was more determined that we wouldn't have another.

We have just been chatting about remortgaging (we've had a few meetings with a financial advisor) and basically it came out that DH definitely isn't bothered about having another baby and that as far as he's concerned it's not an option.

I know I can't force him but I genuinely, genuinely thought that as the years passed he would start to feel like another baby would be a wonderful addition to our family. He was just so nonchalant about having another baby and he was giving me his reasons for not wanting another and I felt my eyes well up with tears.

It upset me so much to think that I will never be pregnant again or have another child.

My DH said, "I'm happy with what we've got, I'm happy with just one." and although I absolutely adore my DS I feel like a 2nd child would be the icing on the cake.

I dread the day when DS starts asking for a brother or sister, or asking why he hasn't got one

I couldn't look my DH in the eye during the mortgage discussion as I didn't want him to see that I was fighting back tears.

I know I can't force him to want/have another baby and I need to make my peace with that, but I feel so upset about it and upset with him.

I know his wishes trump mine in this situation but it upsets me to think that because of him I'm going to be deprived of something that I actually really want.

I know it's me who has moved the goal posts so I shouldn't complain but I guess a part of me always thought we'd have another so to hear DH say he definitely doesn't want another (and basically say the decision is final) just makes me so sad.

How do other couples cope in this situation? I'm worried about resentment forming.

OP posts:

springbabydays · 02/05/2015 22:39

Could you both go and speak to a health professional to get an assessment of actual risk to you in pregnancy?

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2015 22:40

You're right Penguins and I still do think that a few years down the line he would consider having another.

All I have to do is talk him out of this mortgage deal because at least then it means we still have the option available to us as opposed to committing to the mortgage and so committing to never having a 2nd child.

OP posts:

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2015 22:43

springbaby - prior to this pregnancy we had a lot of pre-conception counselling from three different medical teams to make us aware of potential problems there may be so we know the risks involved if we did have another one.

Part of me wishes there had been some kind of complication so that either I would be happy to stay at one or that DH's worries actually seemed valid.

OP posts:

PrincessShcherbatskaya · 02/05/2015 22:46

Maybe give it some time op.. I always wanted three but after number two DH said he didn't want anymore. He was adamant. But when DS 2 was 3 he started to feel differently and so we had number three. He has no regrets. When you have small toddlers it's such hard work and so tiring and childcare costs are so high it's easy to think you'll never do it again. Then they get a bit bigger and you miss having a little one around. Things can change. Maybe bring it up again in a few months.

Littleen · 02/05/2015 22:46

We always wanted two kids, but due to a nightmare pregnancy and nightmare time after birth, I said I would not do it again. My other half agreed that he was happy to have a child, and if I only want one, then that is how it will be. I would not be able to have another "for his sake", because having a baby is very hard work, and it would need both to have our hearts in it. If he needs to have another child in 10 years time, he is welcome to find another woman to be with - I would understand. I do think it's important to respect your husbands wishes, and not push it further. It's such a sensitive issue, and you can afford to wait. Your little one isn't that old yet, give it some time, and he might change his mind. Otherwise, you will have to consider what is more important to you. Your husband or having another child!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2015 22:48

Definitely my husband

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 03/05/2015 07:40

Again the age excuse is just crazy, 32, 35, 36 is a pretty young dad really these days. But not wanting another child isn't ridiculous if he feels strongly.

However, he doesn't have the right to force you into a financial situation you aren't comfortable with. So deal with that one now and postpone the final decision about whether to have another dc in a couple of years. I have a friend who when her ds was a baby was desperate for another one then changed her mind .

PoppyFleur · 03/05/2015 10:33

I have a medical condition that meant getting pregnant, staying pregnant & having the baby was all deemed high risk. We took medical advice, we were given the go ahead and although it was deemed a high risk pregnancy, I had a healthy pregnancy & I am blessed with a healthy child.

However, 3 months after having DS I found out just how worried my DH, parents & Dsis had been about my health throughout my pregnancy. I knew I would be fine, I would never have gone ahead if the odds weren't in my favour but they had been so worried.

DH has said he would be supportive if I wanted a second child but I have decided against it. We are blessed with one child, it is more than we ever thought we would have. I have decided staying healthy for the family I have is more important than striving to expand our family.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 03/05/2015 15:21

Your last sentence makes perfect sense and I really do know that I shouldn't risk my health and I should be so thankful that my health conditions didn't affect the baby and nor was I harmed but sometimes I find it so hard.

I just watched last night's BGT and there was a family unit on all singing together, a dad and his three sons, and as I watched it I felt that pang of sadness that I will probably never have that.

OP posts:

WonderingWillow · 03/05/2015 15:24

I think that the person who doesn't want the baby has to hold the sway really. It's not fair to have a genuinely unwanted DC. It's not.

It sounds like you had a rough pregnancy. Your DH is probably terrified at what would happen a second time around.

Be happy with what you have. There's a peace to be found with that.

Sansarya · 03/05/2015 15:41

You have one happy and healthy DS, there's no need to feel sad because you've not got the entire Von Trapp family!

You and your DH are still young, despite what he says, and your DS is only 13 months. He may change his mind in time, or he may not. But if you are not happy with taking on such an extensive mortgage commitment then I would have a serious talk with him

Bunbaker · 03/05/2015 15:41

"I feel upset because he's using my health as his main reason for not wanting another but I don't believe him,"

I think you don't want to believe him.

Believe me, it is really stressful when someone you love puts themselves though unnecessary (self imposed) health risks. I can quite understand why your husband doesn't want you to risk another pregnancy.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 17:51

The thing is, there are many, many reasons for not tying yourself into a strict and very high mortgage.

-What if one of you becomes unhappy at work and wants to retrain?
-What if one of you loses their job?
-What if one of you has health complications and wants to work fewer hours?
-What if your son has some form of health complication, or simply doesn't get into a school you are happy with and you decide to home school, or even pay for private education?
-What if, in 2 years' time, very happy with your decision to have one, you take a year out to travel the world?
-What if your priorities simply shift and you want experiences now, not the mortgage paid off?

There are so many mortgages that can easily and flexibly be overpaid, why sign up to a scary one?

If you don't sign up to the scary mortgage, you can let it rest. Let it settle. You might find that, in two years, the feelings have gone away. You might see the benefits of being through the baby years, done with buggies and nappies and sippy cups and bottles. I know people with one who've hankered after another at a year, and maybe even at two, but who found that, by the time life was right for another, they were happy how they were. Or alternatively your husband might have changed his view. Or you can work through it then. You don't have to force the issue now.

Brandysnapper · 03/05/2015 20:01

Your dh may well have your health as his first concern about a second pregnancy, but the desire to pay off the mortgage (and do what?) seems to loom pretty large too...

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 03/05/2015 20:28

We've just had a good talk about the mortgage and I explained my worries about how the payments may restrict us and that I don't want to put our life on hold (watching the pennies every month) just so we can be mortgage free at 45.

The conversation went better than I thought. He's now looking over all our finances and mortgage plans to see if we can reach a compromise.

OP posts:

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