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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel this upset about not having another baby?

90 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2015 20:59

We have a DS who is 13 months. I have various health problems that made my pregnancy more complicated and when I was pregnant we said that if me and the baby came out of it in good health then we'd count our blessings and have an only child as opposed to risking my health again.

Over the last 6 months though I've had fleeting thoughts about having another baby, not having one now, but sometime in the future and I could envisage it happening and I liked the thought.

Out of me and DH he was always the one who was more determined that we wouldn't have another.

We have just been chatting about remortgaging (we've had a few meetings with a financial advisor) and basically it came out that DH definitely isn't bothered about having another baby and that as far as he's concerned it's not an option.

I know I can't force him but I genuinely, genuinely thought that as the years passed he would start to feel like another baby would be a wonderful addition to our family. He was just so nonchalant about having another baby and he was giving me his reasons for not wanting another and I felt my eyes well up with tears.

It upset me so much to think that I will never be pregnant again or have another child.

My DH said, "I'm happy with what we've got, I'm happy with just one." and although I absolutely adore my DS I feel like a 2nd child would be the icing on the cake.

I dread the day when DS starts asking for a brother or sister, or asking why he hasn't got one Sad

I couldn't look my DH in the eye during the mortgage discussion as I didn't want him to see that I was fighting back tears.

I know I can't force him to want/have another baby and I need to make my peace with that, but I feel so upset about it and upset with him.

I know his wishes trump mine in this situation but it upsets me to think that because of him I'm going to be deprived of something that I actually really want.

I know it's me who has moved the goal posts so I shouldn't complain but I guess a part of me always thought we'd have another so to hear DH say he definitely doesn't want another (and basically say the decision is final) just makes me so sad.

How do other couples cope in this situation? I'm worried about resentment forming.

OP posts:
sunbathe · 02/05/2015 08:15

Using his age as an excuse made me laugh, sorry.

I didn't even have my first till 34!

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 02/05/2015 08:34

So funny iggi, I was exactly the same. Was adamant I didn't want any DC when DH and I were dating. A few years later, I was the one dying to start a family, which we did.

Stripyhoglets · 02/05/2015 09:04

Just say that you can't sign up to the mortgage as it takes the option away. Get a flexible one as a pp said. When my DS was 13 months there was no way I was having another. I changed my mind suddenly when he was 2.5. We have another one, but 3.5 year age gap. Your dh may change his mind himself so don't close any doors.

CrispyFern · 02/05/2015 09:14

Your DH is saying maybe, not no.

You are both young enough for this not to be an emergency, your baby is still very small. Wait a year and see what you all think then, then wait another year.

Signing yourselves up to a mortgage where you will have little leeway for life changes to aim to be mortgage free by 45 seems risky.

MsCoconut · 02/05/2015 09:59

I'd be uncomfortable signing up for an 8 year fixed mortgage now ( I am the same age as you) because it leaves very little flexibility for change at a time when careers, number of children, life priorities etc. can change quite a bit.

Can you discuss how the inflexible mortgage is upsetting you with him? (Maybe compromise by pointing out if you add five years to the mortgage you will have x amount more free cash for holidays now rather than in 14 years time.)

3luckystars · 02/05/2015 10:08

Don't sign anything now, its not the right time.

maddening · 02/05/2015 10:46

Can you not look for a similar interest deal with a lower repayment so you could be mortgage free by 50 and still have a 2nd dc - your reasons are that he has wavered on saying no full stop previously so with your wanting to and his potential to change his mind you don't want to create a "never" situation at this point. Additionally you could aim for 2nd dc to arrive at approx 9mths before dc1 starts school so would save 9mths of childcare and still have same level of childcare costs when you return to work ? And by planning some savings as you would have a lower repayment now then you could have a good pot of 4 years of savings to offset the cost of dc2 but if you then both decide to stick you would have a good little nest egg which might be useful then.

StickEm · 02/05/2015 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderice · 02/05/2015 10:57

You're partner can't win here. He doesn't want another child which makes you angry, then he says he does, but you know it's to please oh, which makes you angry. I know people on here on saying "it might be because he feels......". But it could really just be that he doesn't want another one. You are going to have to accept it or it will ruin your relationship.

Andrewofgg · 02/05/2015 12:09

Don't-want trumps do-want, regardless of gender.

But let me tell you: my DS is an only and never once asked for a sibling or asked why he did not have one - and his friends and cousins all did. And DW confirms that he never asked her either. That need not worry you.

WhetherOrNot · 02/05/2015 12:57

I dread the day when DS starts asking for a brother or sister, or asking why he hasn't got one

My single son never asked this question. He was too happy being the only one!

Buildmeabuttercup · 02/05/2015 13:20

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset. I probably won't be having another child because of my hypochondria and it upsets me as I would love to give my daughter a sibling but then again she may be perfectly happy being an only child who knows.

I was an only child, and although I did ask for a sibling I got over it quickly and I'm quite happy now. I have a great relationship with my partners brother and sister and don't feel like I've missed out. Siblings aren't guaranteed to get along anyway, my mum and dad have 4 each and don't speak to any of them.

shewept · 02/05/2015 14:05

Using his age as an excuse made me laugh, sorry. I didn't even have my first till 34!

I don't get comments like that. I stopped having kids at 29. Didn't want anymore after I turned 30. But that doesn't mean i think everyone should have kids before they or 30 or stop once they are over 30.

Just because you had your first at 34 does not mean that everyone wants to have babies well into their 30s. My Dbro didn't want to have anymore as he was fast approaching 40. If the dh in this feels he is getting too old for another baby that is up to him.

Andrewofgg · 02/05/2015 14:44

He does not need an "excuse" - he just does not want another child. His call as much as yours, OP.

tobysmum77 · 02/05/2015 20:40

shewept not wanting any more children is fine at any age. Using age as a reason is ridiculous, particularly if you are 32, wtaf does it have to do with anything?

Brandysnapper · 02/05/2015 20:44

He doesn't need an excuse, but I think he needs a reason for doing something that makes his wife unhappy.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/05/2015 21:02

Mine asked why he had no siblings and no dog, so we got a dog. Happy DS.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/05/2015 21:03

But where having children are concerned, simply not wanting one/another, is surely enough?

Nobody would be saying a woman had to provide a good enough reason not to provide her husband with another child when she does not want another herself.

Rebecca2014 · 02/05/2015 21:04

I feel sorry for men. If this was a woman saying she did not want another child yet her husband was pressuring her or making her feel guilty, your be all over the husband.

OP your child has only just turned one. You and your husband are still young, why are you rushing everything? wait till your child 2/3 and ask again and maybe your get a different answer.

Brandysnapper · 02/05/2015 21:08

Rebecca, because the dh is arranging a mortgage that will prevent them from having a second, by the time that's paid off there'd be a pretty big age gap.
I actually think every couple should be able to talk and explain their feelings about all major decisions including children. "Just because" does not seem like a great answer I'm afraid!

tobysmum77 · 02/05/2015 21:25

brandy they can't afford 2 sets of nursery fees with the new mortgage, not the same thing

Brandysnapper · 02/05/2015 21:36

In what way is it different? (Genuine question)

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2015 21:53

Thanks everyone. I've just got back from work and have read all your responses. If DH doesn't want another one because he doesn't then fair enough but I wish he'd just say that rather than using mortgage repayments as his excuse.

I will speak to him tomorrow about the mortgage. As another poster said, children aside, committing to such a lengthy and expensive mortgage (a third of our income) is pretty risky in my eyes. Anything could happen over the next 8 years which may lead to us not being able to afford the payments.

I would probably want to wait until DS was 4 so he'd be starting school when DS2 came along to address the issue of childcare fees, but that's when DH just reiterated his feelings about him being too old as he'd be 35 by then.

I know his wishes will trump mine and I do accept that but I'm just sick of hearing him 'big up' how great being mortgage free will be. I feel like he's losing sight of the here and now, putting our current life on hold because he's busy dreaming about how great life will be in 15 years time.

OP posts:
madreloco · 02/05/2015 22:21

I know I can't force him but I genuinely, genuinely thought that as the years passed he would start to feel like another baby would be a wonderful addition to our family

But no years have passed! Your child is 13 months old, you havent given him any time to change his mind, if that is what you are waiting for.

And if your mortgage payments are so monstrously high that you can't even consider a second child, they are far too high even without another child.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 02/05/2015 22:32

I think your biggest issue now is not shutting the door. So don't do the mortgage deal.

The rest of it? Let more time pass. Let life settle. He is tiny. You are young. Nothing wrong in your situation with letting it sit on the back burner for a year or two.