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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re DSS' mum request?

89 replies

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:00

I've nc and if you know me please don't out me.

This is a bit long, so please bear with me as I speak English as a second language.

DH and DSS' mum have 50:50 parental care arrangement. Dh and I have
3 more DC. Earlier in the week, my PIL requested to have all dc for the weekend and on hearing this i applied for a day off so i can rest on my own. I hold a stressful full time job and together with parenting and all other things can be exhausting. DSS' mum said she will have her son over the weekend. The plan is for the PIL to fetch the 3 DC from school and drop them off on Monday. About an hour ago, i get a text from dh to ask if i can fetch dss from school and keep him till his mum can make it back at 4 or thereabout. I refused. I took this day when my dc and him(dh) are not here so i can get a break and i am not apologetic about this( i know some mumsnet mums frown upon the idea that a parent can be exhausted from children). He calls me to ask why not, that dss(7) can just keep himself busy while waiting and i can continue with my rest. But my point is that when he gets here i will want to make him lunch and engage him as i love him, i simply cannot ignore him and dh knows this. Dh said he will then take half day to come look after him,i then said, why can't the mum call the PIL to have dss, in this way he gets to play with his siblings. She doesn't want to call the PIL because she distanced herself after we got married, so they(pil and the mum) have a cold relationship and i can tell if it were up to her, dss woundn't have any form of relationship with them, but their relationship is not something i lose sleep over. Dh says she can't, so he will take the time off to look after his child, i then said to him, it isnt about dss, its about him facilitating for his ex when she can swallow her pride and call his parents, who have never once said a bad word about her to me or within my ear.

In principle i have no issue with him taking a day to look after his dc, i just wanted this time - which has been ruined - to myself until he gets back from work.

I feel that dss' mum can't book a spa treatment with her friends when she knows she has to fetch her son from school and refuses the next easiest alternative. She refuses to call my Pil to keep her pride but makes plans on my behalf. She was hoping i'll look after him while she rests.

As for my husband, i told him he is not taking a half day to facilitate this unreasonable request and mess up my plans. She must make her own alternative arrangement. Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:

Jessica2point0 · 01/05/2015 12:09

YANBU to say no to minding DSS yourself.

YABU to tell your DH he can't take half a day off to mind his own son if that's what he wants to do. Equally if he couldn't / didn't want to take the time off he should tell his ex that.

YWNBU to ask DH if he can take DSS out for the afternoon so that you can continue to have the house to yourself.

Why can't your DH ask his parents to mind DSS?

YvetteChauvire · 01/05/2015 12:09

YANBU to say no to picking up and looking after your dss, not at all. In your position I would feel the same and probably do the same.

YABU to tell your husband he can't time off to look after his son. Very, very unreasonable.

As for my husband, i told him he is not taking a half day to facilitate this unreasonable request and mess up my plans

This sounds awful and controlling and I feel very sorry for your husband.

Collaborate · 01/05/2015 12:12

Yes. Let your H make whatever arrangements he feels are appropriate. He's not having a go at you for not collecting SS from school. Leave it at that. Harmony between exes is very important for any child.

MrsHathaway · 01/05/2015 12:13

YANBU to say no.

YAN rather U to tell him what he can and can't do, though. Presumably DSS is poorly? That's a totally legitimate reason for your DH to drop everything.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:14

He can't ask his parents because she doesn't want to go around their house to fetch him.

Why should he take time off over something she knew about since Monday? Why can't she ask her sister who lives close by?

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 01/05/2015 12:14

YA B rather U to tell him...

::tuts at self::

browneyedgirl86 · 01/05/2015 12:15

Yabu for saying your husband can't take time off for his son. I don't think the ex is being totally unreasonable in asking your DH too look after him, that sounds normal. I don't think she should have to go through her ex in laws when she can ask the ex. Incidentally why isn't your Dh asking his parents if they can do it?

PatriciaHolm · 01/05/2015 12:18

Yes, YABU to try to dictate to your husband whether he decides to look after his son. Why has your day been ruined?

Up to you whether you pick him up of course, but it's not up to you whether your husband does. Maybe his ex thought it would be nice for him to have some 1-1 time with his dad rather than sharing his grandparents? Can't happen very often if you have another 3 DC.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:22

He doesnt mind asking his parents, dss' mum does not want to go to his parents to fetch him there.

Why should he take time off so she can go to a spa? This has nothing to do with dss. This woman knew about this from the word go, it can't be that she thought he will take a day off so she can go to a spa? She asked him to ask me!

OP posts:

shewept · 01/05/2015 12:22

Wow yabu. Unfortunately plans often get ruined by kids, you have had almost a full day. If its that important to you, tell dh to take him out somewhere.

Whether she should have given more notice or not, isn't really any of your concern. She rang her ex and asked him to arrange pick up for their son. He said yes. So, at that point it doesn't matter why she didn't tell him earlier. He agreed to look after his son and has to provide childcare for him.

Yabvu to tell him what he can and can't do with his own son and his own half day, because you want a few more hours rest.

lottiesatitagain · 01/05/2015 12:23

YANBU to not want to look after your Dss today.

YABU to tell your husband he can't take a day off work.

YABVU to say EX should swallow her pride and ring the in laws. You have no idea what she feels about them or why and it is none of your business.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:24

All children deserve a 1:1 with parents. He is not sharing "his" grandparents, they all share.

OP posts:

lottiesatitagain · 01/05/2015 12:25

Also you have tomorrow and Sunday with no dc to rest?

shewept · 01/05/2015 12:26

Because he agreed to provide child care...she asked....he said yes. He is an adult I assume?

YvetteChauvire · 01/05/2015 12:26

If your DH can deal with it without involving you then the rest is not your concern. You posts suggests you disapprove of the ex-wife. Fair enough but your husband has found a solution that works for him, his son and his ex-wife. You probably are not as selfish as you sound here, because I know what it is like to be exhausted from the children and wanting me time but you just can't dictate how he deals with this.

Harmony between exes is very important for any child. Collaborate has it in a nutshell. You throwing a strop about your husband taking time off and looking after his son could be creating problems for future relations.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:26

As much as she has no business asking i look after her son.

OP posts:

steppemum · 01/05/2015 12:28

well, if I were your dh, I would ask his parents to have dss, and then collect him on his way from work, so mum can collect him from your house.

I can see why you don't want him to loose half a day holiday in these circumstances.

BUT it is between dh and the mum, and not you. It is not up to you to comment on how she spends her time. She could presumably be sitting there saying 'why can't she have dss, she is at home and I will be out, what is the problem??'

You choose how to spend your time, she chooses how to spend hers, it is up to your dh to say yes or no.

TheMagnificientFour · 01/05/2015 12:29

She asked him to ask me

Now that is on at all. It's not your role to look after dss (even if you actually do and enjoy it).
As it happens you had other plans and that's OK too.

I think that rather than telling your DH what to do, you should let him take responsibility for it.
Just state that you were planning for a day off in peace and quiet. You were planning to have the house for yourself so please can you organise what happens with your ex?
If he decides to help her, then fine, he can't take a day or one half day off and spend the afternoon out with his ds (who prob will enjoy it!).
He can say No to his ex.
But it should not be up to you to sort it out.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 01/05/2015 12:30

YABVVU to tell your husband he can not spend time with his child.

TheMagnificientFour · 01/05/2015 12:32

lootie
Whether the OP has the weekend wo the dcs has nothing to do with it. The OP and her DH might well have other plans for the weekend we don't know about. She doesn't HAVE to look afer her dss. It's her DH responsibility (and he can ask for her help but she doessn't have to give it to him iyswim).

Why is that women are always trying to please everyone with no care about their own needs??

shewept · 01/05/2015 12:32

I don't think anyone is say YOU must look after him. We are saying yabu because you are forbidding your dh from doing so.

You can spot this threads a mile off.

OP - AIBU
mn - yes
OP - NO I AM NOT

YvetteChauvire · 01/05/2015 12:33

As much as she has no business asking i look after her son. Seeing as you don't like her perhaps it was cheeky of her to ask but you said no, so no harm done.

The rest if it is none of you business and he is entitled to take what ever time time off work to look after his child.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:33

I am nit saying he can't spend time with dss, i am saying it is trivial to take leave instead of telling her to make her own arrangements

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 01/05/2015 12:34

OP I can see why you would find it frustrating to have the planned day on your own disrupted.
I totally sympathise.

Can you tell your DH to take DSS out somewhere even to his parents and bring him back to his ex when she is ready instead of disrupting your alone day?

The ex is not doing anything wrong by asking if you'd take care of DSS, and you are within your rights to refuse.

Let your DH and Ex-wife deal with it.

YvetteChauvire · 01/05/2015 12:34

He wants to look after his child, it is not trivial.

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