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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DSS' mum request?

89 replies

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:00

I've nc and if you know me please don't out me.

This is a bit long, so please bear with me as I speak English as a second language.

DH and DSS' mum have 50:50 parental care arrangement. Dh and I have
3 more DC. Earlier in the week, my PIL requested to have all dc for the weekend and on hearing this i applied for a day off so i can rest on my own. I hold a stressful full time job and together with parenting and all other things can be exhausting. DSS' mum said she will have her son over the weekend. The plan is for the PIL to fetch the 3 DC from school and drop them off on Monday. About an hour ago, i get a text from dh to ask if i can fetch dss from school and keep him till his mum can make it back at 4 or thereabout. I refused. I took this day when my dc and him(dh) are not here so i can get a break and i am not apologetic about this( i know some mumsnet mums frown upon the idea that a parent can be exhausted from children). He calls me to ask why not, that dss(7) can just keep himself busy while waiting and i can continue with my rest. But my point is that when he gets here i will want to make him lunch and engage him as i love him, i simply cannot ignore him and dh knows this. Dh said he will then take half day to come look after him,i then said, why can't the mum call the PIL to have dss, in this way he gets to play with his siblings. She doesn't want to call the PIL because she distanced herself after we got married, so they(pil and the mum) have a cold relationship and i can tell if it were up to her, dss woundn't have any form of relationship with them, but their relationship is not something i lose sleep over. Dh says she can't, so he will take the time off to look after his child, i then said to him, it isnt about dss, its about him facilitating for his ex when she can swallow her pride and call his parents, who have never once said a bad word about her to me or within my ear.

In principle i have no issue with him taking a day to look after his dc, i just wanted this time - which has been ruined - to myself until he gets back from work.

I feel that dss' mum can't book a spa treatment with her friends when she knows she has to fetch her son from school and refuses the next easiest alternative. She refuses to call my Pil to keep her pride but makes plans on my behalf. She was hoping i'll look after him while she rests.

As for my husband, i told him he is not taking a half day to facilitate this unreasonable request and mess up my plans. She must make her own alternative arrangement. Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 01/05/2015 12:37

YANBU for saying no.

YABU for trying to control what your DH chooses to do for his own child this afternoon.

and now you've ruined your own day off by getting so wound up about this.

TurnItIn · 01/05/2015 12:38

Hmmm. This is an interesting one. So your DSS's mother has booked to go to a spa and not made arrangements to collect him from school until the last minute?

That is totally unreasonable and you are right to be cross. I also understand your frustration at the "enabling" going on here of her bad behaviour BUT it's really, really not worth getting into a lather about it and creating drama and upset. If your DH takes a half day then so what?

Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:38

Of course it's not, but this is not about his son

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 01/05/2015 12:39

Of course he can spend time with his child. And of course he can run around after his ex if that's what he wants. And of course you are pissed off about having your nice day disturbed. Surely she should be leaving her spa on time to collect her child? Not calling round and expecting you to drop what you are doing [even if that is nothing at all] to fetch him for her.

Surely the less you facilitate the ex wife's spa whims the more he can decide whether it is worth his while to take leave or tell her 'no'?

Somebodystolemyname · 01/05/2015 12:39

Why doesn't your DH ask his parents to have his son too and then your DH can take him back to his Mums later? I can see where you're coming from but if it was me I'd just do it if I didn't have specific plans. The bigger issue is the relationship between your pil and DSS's Mum, they all need to grow up and build some bridges.

base9 · 01/05/2015 12:40

YANBU. You specially planned this one day at home alone. DH should respect that, and if he feels he needs to pick up ds, then he should take him out to a film or a park or whatever and leave you in peace. If you ask for this all the time, YABU. But if you have been waiting and planning and looking for a bit of peaceful home time for ages, YANBU and he should respect that. I would respect my DH's need for a day like that in similar circumstances.

wannaBe · 01/05/2015 12:41

You sound incredibly bitter and resentful.

I would be incredibly uncomfortable going round to my ex ILs' house and would avoid having to do so at any cost. And they are perfectly pleasant people who I have no issue with at all. But I am their ex DIL, and as such I am certain they wouldn't welcome my presence in their space. You have no idea how your h's ex feels about her ex ILs. People don't distance themselves just to be bitter and spiteful or difficult, usually there are good reasons for doing so.

And this child is your dh's child. If he wants to take a half day that is up to him and tbh not for you to dictate. In fact I would go so far as to say it's none of your business.

Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:44

I get what you are all saying, but this is becoming a pattern.

I just got a text, her sister will fetch him

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 12:46

You keep asking why can't she this why can't she that...
well. She can. Clearly.
But that's neither here nor there because that's not what she's choosing to do and you have no power to tell her what she must choose to do.
Similarly you cannot tell your husband that he may not take time of to have his child. That's his choice.
You can say how you feel and you have.
You can say that you can't he'll and you have.
That's the extent of your control and authority here.
I'm not saying that to be harsh. It's just the reality of it. People are not obligated to do what you think is best and you can't make them so why can't they why can't they is just a waste of your energy.

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 12:48

XPost.
Excellent. Makes my previous post redundant Grin
Well it seems like they did factor in your feelings and decide to work round them. That's really great result isn't it?

Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:53

You sound incredibly bitter and resentful

There is nothing to be bitter about this woman who in early stages of our relationship asked dh for another child. This woman tells everyone who cares to listen that our eldest and dh's second is adopted when we have been clear that we would like to be the first to tell her she is adopted.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 01/05/2015 12:58

Does nt looking after step children go with the terroriity of being a step parent ?

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 12:58

She did what?

Bloody hell that is out of order.

AlternativeTentacles · 01/05/2015 13:01

Does nt looking after step children go with the terroriity of being a step parent?

Yeah, all step parents should stop what they are doing immediately at the moment the 'proper' parent needs to go to a spa. Hmm

[Why should the mother's spa day trump the OP's booked off day? Genuinely interested as to why she gets priority].

Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 13:04

I look after my lovely dss. I just want a break today.

north your line won't work with me.

She is disrespectful but i expect my husband to consider my feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 13:10

alternative do you not know that i am supposed to get of my back and trott off to fetch him and entertain him. When mum comes back have him ready like a dutiful stepmum. You are such a slow mug who never got the stepmum memo

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 01/05/2015 13:13

OP, I think some will say yabu, but I see your point (ESPECIALLY if this type of thing is becoming a common occurrence).

Basically IMO your problem is with your DH, not his ex I'm afraid.
She can ask all he wants, he is facilitating / encouraging her by giving in to her demands.

Yes, I know it's good for separated parents to work together / compromise in terms of their kids, but it's important he doesn't let her take the piss.

AlternativeTentacles · 01/05/2015 13:17

Seems like he didn't want to spend the afternoon with his child after all. All the YABUs can calm down again.

nickersinaknot · 01/05/2015 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msgrinch · 01/05/2015 13:35

"you're such a slow mug that never got the stepmum memo"

Hmm That's a grim thing to say. Not sure I'd want someone with a mouth like that around my child.

Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 13:41

It does not look like dss mum agrees with you.

OP posts:
ItBoilsMyPiss · 01/05/2015 13:56

I would never book a spa day and then ask my ex/his DP to have the children. Confused We have an agreement, EOW, and extras during holidays, which we are both flexible on. I book things during those times. I don't book things and then demand exsDP look after them, I find it quite ridiculous that OP is getting such a bashing.

She booked something without considering child care. OP has said no. OPs DH/DP is at work. Why should he have to take annual leave with next to no notice to accommodate his Ex wanting a spa day? She's not going into hospital, she's not ill. She should have booked it for one of the usual days her children are with their father. Its that simple.

Cabrinha · 01/05/2015 14:00

Wow, you really don't like his first wife, do you?!

Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 14:03

Does it matter whether i like her or not in this case?

OP posts:
Original poster
wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 14:03

She is opportunistic

OP posts: