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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re DSS' mum request?

89 replies

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 12:00

I've nc and if you know me please don't out me.

This is a bit long, so please bear with me as I speak English as a second language.

DH and DSS' mum have 50:50 parental care arrangement. Dh and I have
3 more DC. Earlier in the week, my PIL requested to have all dc for the weekend and on hearing this i applied for a day off so i can rest on my own. I hold a stressful full time job and together with parenting and all other things can be exhausting. DSS' mum said she will have her son over the weekend. The plan is for the PIL to fetch the 3 DC from school and drop them off on Monday. About an hour ago, i get a text from dh to ask if i can fetch dss from school and keep him till his mum can make it back at 4 or thereabout. I refused. I took this day when my dc and him(dh) are not here so i can get a break and i am not apologetic about this( i know some mumsnet mums frown upon the idea that a parent can be exhausted from children). He calls me to ask why not, that dss(7) can just keep himself busy while waiting and i can continue with my rest. But my point is that when he gets here i will want to make him lunch and engage him as i love him, i simply cannot ignore him and dh knows this. Dh said he will then take half day to come look after him,i then said, why can't the mum call the PIL to have dss, in this way he gets to play with his siblings. She doesn't want to call the PIL because she distanced herself after we got married, so they(pil and the mum) have a cold relationship and i can tell if it were up to her, dss woundn't have any form of relationship with them, but their relationship is not something i lose sleep over. Dh says she can't, so he will take the time off to look after his child, i then said to him, it isnt about dss, its about him facilitating for his ex when she can swallow her pride and call his parents, who have never once said a bad word about her to me or within my ear.

In principle i have no issue with him taking a day to look after his dc, i just wanted this time - which has been ruined - to myself until he gets back from work.

I feel that dss' mum can't book a spa treatment with her friends when she knows she has to fetch her son from school and refuses the next easiest alternative. She refuses to call my Pil to keep her pride but makes plans on my behalf. She was hoping i'll look after him while she rests.

As for my husband, i told him he is not taking a half day to facilitate this unreasonable request and mess up my plans. She must make her own alternative arrangement. Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:

DextersMistress · 01/05/2015 14:06

Yanbu to not want to change your plans to suit her spa day, although unless I've got this wrong, pick up from school until mum collects around 4 surely that would be no more than an hour? Not much entertaining needed.

However, yabu dictating to your dh what he can and can't do wrt his child.

Icimoi · 01/05/2015 14:10

As a matter of interest, what would she do if you told her that, since she won't look after dss and you're not available, he is going to the PILs and she will have to collect him?

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 14:10

Dexter, if an hour is nothing, then dss' mum can leave an hour earlier to fetch him. My time off is just as worthy even if I am stepmum

OP posts:

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 14:16

Icimo the first thing she would do is write dh an email to tell him "you might be fucking her but i am the mum here and only i make the decisions" like she did in the past. Then would ask her sister to fetch him from them.

OP posts:

DextersMistress · 01/05/2015 14:21

I don't disagree. However, your op kind of implied that you were asked to look after him for a while. You mentioned making him lunch when surely that wouldn't be necessary.

MonstrousRatbag · 01/05/2015 14:30

What Icimoi asked about is what your DH should have done. There's no reason why he should facilitate her spa day to the point of taking a half day off work when (as has happened) her sister could fetch your DSS from PIL anyway.

And DSS' mother asking DH to ask you to look after him isn't on either.

So I have some sympathy-everyone else gets to be varying degrees of unreasonable with each other on the basis OP will be grown-up and make it work.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 14:30

Dexter yes, when my dc get home and i am home at the time, i normally prepare food as I don't often get to after school. i did not think that i would have to spell out routines when they are not relevant to this

OP posts:

wannaBe · 01/05/2015 14:40

the timeline here seems awfully short given the circumstances.

So the dh's child is seven, and the dh and the op have three children together the eldest of whom is adopted? Now I don't know the exact in's and outs of the adoption process, but I do know that it takes a considerable time (years) to go through the process, and that being in a stable relationship would be one of the key factors for being approved. Then add a further two children into the equation, and that adds up to an awful lot having taken place in just seven years, assuming that the dh left when the ds was still a newborn.

Op - did your dh leave his ex for you? Or did he leave when she was still pg/having just given birth? Because if so, while I don't necessarily agree with it, I can see why she might do anything in her power to ensure that her dh is left to pick up the care of his ds at inopportune moments, and while you seem so resentful of her.

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/05/2015 14:44

Why is her recreation time more important than the OPs? OP took the day off to relax at home, the other woman then decided last minute to go to a spa - why on earth should the OP have to entertain her SS in her house? I know how precious time alone is! I wouldn't be jumping through her hoops! Why did she book a spa trip when she knew she had her DS to look after?

DextersMistress · 01/05/2015 14:49

There's no need to be rude, especially when I agreed with you! I was just curious as to why you would think he would need lunch within that hour

wannabe · 01/05/2015 14:53

fwiw I don't think it's the op's day off that people have disagreed with but the fact she has told her dh he is not to take the day off to look after his own child. If my dp told me I wasn't to take time off to look after my own child he wouldn't be my dp for much longer.

Yes, it might be irritating when an ex changes plans at the last minute and the other parent has to pick up the child, but reality is that while divorce may mean you have a 50/50 parenting arrangement, you are still 100% that child's parent.

NickiFury · 01/05/2015 15:01

Fine that you can refuse to look after him, no problems there.

However if you were MY current partner and you tried to tell me how to arrange care for MY child I would tell you to piss off and if I detected that you were being that controlling on a regular basis especially in regards to my child I would be considering if I wanted to be in the relationship.

nickersinaknot · 01/05/2015 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 01/05/2015 15:12

it may not be, but it would explain some of the ex's behaviour.

given the op and her dh have got together, married, adopted a child and had two subsequent children it seems pretty obvious that regardless of whether the op was the reason or not, the father in this equation must have left his ex fairly early into the child's life, and most likely got together with the op fairly soon after, leaving the ex to do the majority of the care of a young baby while he was building a new family. Most 50/50 arrangements don't tend to kick in until children are older due to babies needing to be with their mothers etc.

With that in mind, I can well see that the ex might decide that it's time the dad stepped up to his responsibilities as a father more.

I'm not saying that it's right, but it does explain her attitude. Esp the remark from the ex that "you may be fucking her," etc.
Regardless of whether the op was a part of the break-up or not, leaving a young child and then going straight on to planning a new family with someone else is pretty shitty behaviour, so the dh in this equation has hardly been a paragon of virtue in the past. Maybe he now feels he needs to make up for that.

AuntyMag10 · 01/05/2015 15:15

Can your dh instead pick your ds up from school, drop him at pil, and then drop him again in the afternoon at her place again? In that way she doesn't have to see the pil?

nickersinaknot · 01/05/2015 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 15:37

or perhaps the OP initially adopted as a single person. Or perhaps it's a family adoption where they may not have to be the youngest child. or perhaps the 7 yr old is a week away from being 8 and the relationship ended as much as 8 and a half years ago. Or perhaps they adopted 5 years ago and the other 2 children are 4 year old twins and school is reception/pre school. Or perhaps some of the children are biologically the OPs but not the husband's and the adopted child is the youngest but their eldest together and it's a 'lost in translation' thing given this is the OPs second language. There's not much point speculating really.

wannaBe · 01/05/2015 15:39

I don't disagree, and wasn't seeking to accuse the op of anything, but sometimes the best way to deal with behaviour is to try to seek to understand where it comes from. Sometimes there isn't necessarily an explanation, but sometimes there is, even if that explanation isn't a justification.

Ideally all parties would behave as adults, but it seems that this doesn't seem to be happening here - on both sides - the ex is seemingly being deliberately obstructive by calling on her ex to take his child at the last minute, but conversely the op is being incredibly controlling by telling her dh that he is not to look after his own child. Neither the op or the ex are exactly covering themselves in glory here.

AGirlCalledBoB · 01/05/2015 15:44

I love how you made a big deal of having the day to yourself but have spent it arguing with people on mumsnet

I mean honestly, to me nothing sounds bad about the ex. If you did not want to watch dss you let your oh know that and then what he does is up to him. If he wants to take the afternoon off well then fine, it's up to him.

why stress about things when you don't have to.

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 15:49

If there's a better way to spend a day, I've not found it

SoupDragon · 01/05/2015 15:50

I can't believe you told your DH he wasn't allowed to take a half day to look after his child.

You sound like a nightmare.

nickersinaknot · 01/05/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 16:09

wannabe i was waiting for posters like you. But i am not responsible for their breakup. When and how we got together is irrelevant. I adopted my eldest from my home country on my own. Then moved to the UK for studies soon after and met him 3 days later, i had ds 2 years later and then got married. Moved back to my country as part of the scholarship agreement with my employer and he then adopted dd7 there and i had dd, moved back to the uk.

She has accused me of everything under the sun, i know how and when our relationship started - i dont need to explain anything to her. My husband has a wonderful relationship with his eldest son, with time i have come to love him and have solid relationship with him. She lives her life waiting for an opportunity to dig into me and I try to steer clear of her.

She was bitter he adopted dd, resents PIL for embracing me and rejoiced at my miscarriage. If she has any problems about the breakup of their at most 6 month long marriage, just over 6 years later then There is not much i can do.

We both do not think much about each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 16:13

agirl i know but i keep coming back

OP posts:

Original poster

wifeandexmatter · 01/05/2015 16:15

fela its hard being a stepmum, i only find solace on here

OP posts:

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