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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find it very annoying when dh dishes out less food for me, as i'm a women

113 replies

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:16

and men need to eat more

he always does this,esp if we have a take away

I find it odd and controlling, while I get the men may need a few more calories
I have an active life, he works in an office

OP posts:

strawberry01 · 01/05/2015 12:14

My reply to the "your being greedy" etc comments - "so FUCK"

I generally don't eat as much as my DH so when dishing up I will normally have a smaller portion. But other days I eat more than him or eat 4 packs of crisps in the one go. I'm an adult and I can be greedy if I want!!

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 12:15

Some women need less food that some men. Beside the point. His issues are his, not yours or your daighter's. He does not get to visit them on you. You tell him this, 'No more comments about what I eat or when I eat or how much I eat.' And yeah, get furious.

Original poster

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 12:22

Well somethings have worked quite well
I like say at thr seaside or tteme park i just take money too
Then if i want something i just get it

Still get the comments sometimes
Like oh we are eating later
Or that's a bit greedy

Perhaps when he gets home
I will have a calm talk with him we are only having pasta bake tonight so not that exciting
but a talk to say your doing his its buggi g me you need to stop
Its not good for dd
if j want a large kebab i will have one with no comments from you

theni will say do you think it would helo seeing someone professional
which i have feeling he will see as me havi g a go
rather than actually trying to help

OP posts:

TheHobbit · 01/05/2015 12:27

Not all men need more food!! I would be extremely pissed off with this. I eat by far triple what my partner eats. He is happy with one medium meal a day whereas I need at least 4/5 meals a day. My portions are always bigger. If I serve him my portion size he will leave most of it. He puts on weight quickly whereas I am slightly under weight. He would never comment on what I eat infact he is quite proud to have a lady who eats like a man!!

Next time your DP eats food tell him he's a greedy man! I think its extremely sexist to think women should get smaller portions. At restaurants it really annoys me as I choose big meals and my DP chooses the smaller dishes and the server always puts the big dish in front of him until I say its actually mine! Really annoys me,same as when we have a drink my DP always orders a coke and I get a pint and they always give him the pint!

RufusTheReindeer · 01/05/2015 12:29

sounds like a plan cat

Would echo those posters who are saying some men need more calories than some women

I worked out (because I am sad and have no life) that I need 151 less calories than DH. He has breakfast and I don't....so definitely halvsies on any takeaways

ShebaRabbit · 01/05/2015 12:35

i call this food meanness. My flatmate in Uni was like this. Whole family -Dad, brother and my FM were blotchy, pasty and underweight except Mum who was average. They'd all been underfed by Mum, who was obvioulsy eating somewhere. "Overeating" ie eating a normal adult portion was judged a moral failure and the language of disgust was frequently used around fatty foods. She had osteoporosis and broke foot and shoulder bones from the smallest of knocks but would hoover up family size bags of gummi bears on the sly.
My hourglass FM, whose Mum was a fab baker and would send up treats every so often, was a particular target for her shaming behaviour and comments . Being young we had no clue about EDs and used to just laugh at her and call her skeletor when she went off on one. We visited her family home for the weekend once and were starving.
Looking back I'm dont know if its was a classic ED but definitely a disordered relationship with food. My point is she tried her best to normalise her "standards" in our flat, it didnt work but by God did she try. I think your DH is doing the same. Dont play into it by arguing, just keep telling him he needs to speak to somebody about his food issues, its his problem not yours and you DDs.

hobNong · 01/05/2015 12:42

I don't think 'men need more calories' is a valid excuse.

Firstly we don't know what else either have eaten that day. Op may have had less lunch for example.

Secondly we don't know the physical attributes of both. The op could be 5'8 and muscular with a short and scrawny husband.

Thirdly we don't know the physical activity carried out by each party. We also don't know if the op is breastfeeding.

So a big YANBU from me! Besides if you have brought this up with him before, the fact he is continuing to do so makes him a prick. My pils always do this to me when we go round and it drives me absolutely bananas. (I am smaller than dp but I do more physical activity, I have a bigger appetite than him and I'm breastfeeding). If dp did it too our relationship wouldn't have lasted. I hate when people try and get in the way of my food!

Pasithea · 01/05/2015 12:45

At first I thought this was one of the most pathetic posts ever on mn. But I think this is not the issue at all.

Man up Op and sort this out properly or put up with this. But controlling behaviour only gets worse.

Original poster

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 12:52

sheba, maybe your right, i should just stop arguing with him about it
i mean its not getting us anywhere

i have spoken to him about this loads of times, he has promised to make no comments before, never lasted

we have had massive rows over this

so perhaps i should simply say he needs to speak to somebody about his food issues, its his problem not yours and you DDs

at least it would be a different thing to try

as the advice to get mad at him and man up etc, is what i have been doing

I've also tried the calm talks which have resulted in promising not to mention it again butnot sticking to it

OP posts:

cleanmyhouse · 01/05/2015 13:07

I agree with you catswag. He's got an issue that needs sorting. Your only issue is the fact that he's making his issue yours and potentially your daughters if it continues.

Zucker · 01/05/2015 13:24

It comes through your posts OP that you're afraid to really take a stand on this in case he gets upset or thinks you're having a go at him. Why is this? He has no such qualms about upsetting you or having a go does he?

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 13:24

Them, with every comment, say, 'Oh, your food disorder is rearing its head above the parapet. If only you'd get some professional help for that.' Over and over and over. 'Here comes X's food disorder again. Really need to see a professional about that. Here's the hand to tell it to.'

BathtimeFunkster · 01/05/2015 13:47

Repeatedly calling you greedy in front of your child is appalling.

hobNong · 01/05/2015 13:53

When I posted I hadn't read the whole thread (sorry). Now I have and I cannot believe how many posters initally thought it was OK for one adult to dictate to another adult, what and how much they should eat, on the basis that on average men need more calories than women.

Taking aside all the variables I mentioned in my last post, which show plenty of valid reasons why a woman can need more calories than a man, this man is telling his wife how much to eat. Seriously. Unless she had an over or under eating disorder and he was trying to help (which she doesn't) it is not right for him to tell her how much she can eat. She's an adult ffs.

I think expat is right:

with every comment, say, 'Oh, your food disorder is rearing its head above the parapet. If only you'd get some professional help for that.'

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 14:01

I would be putting a major stop to this because it can and will affect your daughter. Calling someone 'greedy' for ordering a large kebab, seeing him niggle over food, it will fuck her up. And no one fucks up my kids with their issues.

Quitelikely · 01/05/2015 14:05

Sounds like he has unresolved issues from childhood.

I would be furious if I was you. How dare he tut tut at you for drinking lemonade! Is that what his mother did to him as a child?

Well your not him as a child and he's not your bloody mother. Tell him he is projecting his issues with food and eating into you and unless he stops it immediately he needs to make a GP appointment!

RedSoloCup · 01/05/2015 14:10

My first boyfriend was like this to the point I still remember getting 'caught' eating M&Ms in my room when he came round unexpectedly. I was 7st!!

I also told him I'd given up smoking and still did it but hid it from him.

There are a few good reason's he's an ex!!

almondcakes · 01/05/2015 14:43

I agree with expat, and you should point out this is disordered every time he does it. This is really bad for your DD and you.

I suggest you read Arabella Weir's autobiography - The Real Me is Thin, about getting disordered eating as a consequence of parents who were controlling about food.

If your DH is still hungry after eating his share of take away, he can have fruit, whole meal bread or some other healthy snack. Or order bigger portions.

My dad and brother are very tall and they would not expect to have more of a treat like a takeaway than anyone else. I mean, WTF? As if a takeaway is exactly measured to be the exact right size and calories per person anyway.

almondcakes · 01/05/2015 14:47

The posters who think their DH should get more than them, when you are in a restaurant, do you scrape part of your meal off your plate and on to your DH's?

What about if two men share a takeaway? Do they fight to the death for the bigger portion, on the basis that half the takeaway can't possibly enough for a man?

Is it unnatural for men to share a take away for two on the basis that obviously when places sell portions for two they actually mean one strapping man and a teeny tiny bird of a woman?

Ridiculous.

RufusTheReindeer · 01/05/2015 15:08

almond

My husband clears everyone's plate no half eaten pizza crust is safe

But that's because he hates the idea of waste

RufusTheReindeer · 01/05/2015 15:11

Actually meals out for our family can be quite the negation

"I don't want the coleslaw" "Well get it on the side and daddy can have it"

"Does anyone want my peas"

"Does anyone want any more chips before I put vinegar on them"

"Are you going to eat that"

RufusTheReindeer · 01/05/2015 15:12

Negotiation obviously !!!!!!!!

Passthecake30 · 01/05/2015 15:21

YANBU

I think, even if generally you needed smaller portions, then when it comes to a takeaway/ice cream/cake etc you should be allowed to have a proper half as it's a treat. I eat half a pizza but would have less baked potatoes on my dinner for example...

Stormtreader · 01/05/2015 15:48

Whenever he goes to get something, tell him "you dont need that, you have a desk job"

Morelikeguidelines · 01/05/2015 16:50

Dish your own food!

I get annoyed with dh for scoffing his way through a take away so fast I barely get the chance to serve myself any!

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