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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it very annoying when dh dishes out less food for me, as i'm a women

113 replies

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:16

and men need to eat more

he always does this,esp if we have a take away

I find it odd and controlling, while I get the men may need a few more calories
I have an active life, he works in an office

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 11:45

You tell him it's an inappropriate, controlling, not on, he doesn't get to dictate how much or what you eat and when and to refrain from making negative comments in front of you or your child. Pull him up on it every time.

Original poster
CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:46

no he is not like this about other things, money is fine equally shared, other things fine

just weird over food and drink

OP posts:
CMOTGilbertBlythe · 01/05/2015 11:48

That sounds tiresome. I couldn't be arsed to live with the Food Police.

base9 · 01/05/2015 11:49

How do you deal with it: I would tell him how furious I am. Go ahead and sound furious. He will never, never, NEVER again say or insinuate that you are greedy and he will cease all comments on food and drink that you choose to consume. And if he thinks you are angry now, wait until you catch him calling dd greedy! If he needs help with his food issues, you can help him find counselling. Offer that.

Original poster
CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:49

"You tell him it's an inappropriate, controlling, not on, he doesn't get to dictate how much or what you eat and when and to refrain from making negative comments in front of you or your child. Pull him up on it every time"

i do that all the time, that why we row about it

i shall simply continue to do that

the most annoying part though is saying it in front of dd
the kebab row happened in the car as we were returning home from somewhere he wanted to go and decided to pick up the sat night takeaway on the way home and he phoned it through while we were driving back

OP posts:
WaddaLegend · 01/05/2015 11:50

ourglass why do you feel sorry for men, in this case I think her dh is trying to be controlling. She wanted to order a large kebab and he tried to shame her calling her greedy in front of their dd and if she dishes food equally he complains..what's it got to do with him what is on her plate? As long as he has enough to eat why is he bothered, it's pathetic! And maybe in general men need more calories but as she's says her lifestyle is more active than s and it isn't for him to dictate whether she has fewer calories than him.

Original poster
CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:52

if i was actually over weight tbf i could understand it a little, even if that wasn't a good way to go around it, but i'm not, i'm not under weight but i'm not overweight either

OP posts:
helenahandbag · 01/05/2015 11:54

He sounds like a total arsehole, to be frank. My DP started up with the food policing crap when we first started losing weight together (in a sensible way, still including the odd treat) and I put up with it for a few weeks because I knew that he was relying on me for support but I finally told him flat out that we were finished if he kept his controlling shit up.

Original poster
CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:54

maybe i should actually say to him, do you need proper professional help for your food issues

OP posts:
Original poster
CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:55

he was overweight as a child and it's had a bad effect on him

OP posts:
londonrach · 01/05/2015 11:56

Woman need less. Its taken ages to train my husband,mil and fil to dish out less fir me than dh. Yabu unless the portion is very very small.

foolonthehill · 01/05/2015 11:59

if he has food issues he gets to police his own food not yours.......or your dds by proxy.

london...there's more to it

longestlurkerever · 01/05/2015 11:59

I wouldn't mind a subtly smaller portion being dished out for me as it's healthier and I struggle a bit to maintain my weight, but I would hate to be lectured about it, eyebrows raised or any comment made at all really. YANBU.

netty7070 · 01/05/2015 12:00

I have the opposite problem; DH gives me the same amount as he has and I've gained 2 stone since we got married in 2005..

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/05/2015 12:01

Well, OK, if he is normally fine and supportive then perhaps as you say it's down to some childhood issues. In which case, going nuclear about it isn't going to change his mind.

I would be very assertive:

I am comfortable with my portion size thank you, and I don't want to discuss it further.

Repeat as necessary. Especially in front of DD.

But then is there a way you can get him to unpick the behaviour? What works with him, will he read? Talk to you about how he feels about food in a non-food situation? How do you normally negotiate, what works?

TheMagnificientFour · 01/05/2015 12:01

Even if you were overweight, he has no say on what you eat.
Actually it's very likely that, IF you were overweight, having someone making comments about what you eat all the time would make you feel guilty and therefore would sabotage any effort you could do to loose weight.

Whast we do at home is to have one disg on the table and everyone helps themselves in such a way that there is always seconds ie we don't put as much as possible on the plate or put all what we think we will eat.
That way, we all start with about the same (or less depending if we fancy the dish or not, how hugry etc...). Then there is a possible 'second' round which allows people who aren't hungry to stop and people who are to have more.
Maybe that would help?

Oh there is a clear rule that no one is making a comment how much you eat, whether it's 'too much' or 'too little'. My mum hardly eats and making comments about that would be just as bad as making comments to dc2 aboout how much she eats.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/05/2015 12:03

FFS the 'all men need more food' thing is bugging me.

My DH needs more food because he cycles 80 miles a week while I sit on my arse.

When I danced and exercised for 3 hours a day and waitressed at night, I needed more food than my BF who drove to his telesales job and sat on his arse.

It's all relative.

TheMagnificientFour · 01/05/2015 12:04

To those who are saying YABU as women need less calories

Have notice the bit where the OP is saying she has a physical job and therefore will need more than average woman? And the biot about the fact her DH has sedentary job therefore will need in theory less than the average?

The reality is trhat you need to eat according to YOUR needs and no one, incl PP or her DH, can tell the OP what it is.
As she isn't overweight, she is clearly eating what she needs even if it is the same than her DH, so that avenue is a no go anyway.

TheMagnificientFour · 01/05/2015 12:05

xpost lonnyI think we are on the same lines there Grin

guinnessguzzler · 01/05/2015 12:06

I'm really surprised at the number of people who think this is ok because women need fewer calories in general.

Everybody is different and so the number of calories you need will depend on lots of factors, not just your sex.

On top of that, unless you are on an extremely tight budget, it seems very odd to limit your daily food intake to 'what you need', especially when it comes to treats etc. Even then, I'd expect those limits to be agreed between you, not dictated by one partner, since you share a household.

It is absolutely unreasonable for one partner to try dictate the other's food consumption in this way, whether in front of children or not.

loveareadingthanks · 01/05/2015 12:06

'do you need proper professional help for your food issues'

That sounds like a very good idea.

This is something that is annoying for you, but as an adult you can see the issues and reasons and argue back and essentially ignore it.

Your DD, however, can't. And she is soaking up all sorts of lessons like a little sponge. If he was very overweight as a child, then his family or he, had food issues/eating disorders. His behaviour now is setting up DD to possibly develop a different type of eating disorder. Once that's more dangerous than being overweight.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/05/2015 12:09

Grin magnificent great minds eat alike!

Droflove · 01/05/2015 12:10

You shouldn't be eating the same amount as your dh. Especially if it's a take - away.

WoodliceCollection · 01/05/2015 12:13

It sounds controlling to me. My ex was like this, and escalated into more open arseholeness gradually. Current boyfriend dishes me up equal to his, even though I often hand leftovers back to him (and asks before having the last pizza slice). It's kind of similar to your situation in that he works in a sedentary job whereas I'm on my feet nearly all day, and doing heavy work some of the year, so I probably eat more than average for a short woman, and he probably eats about average for a medium height man. We both care about health/fitness, but don't make it our business to micromanage each other because we aren't dickheads. Obviously it would be a different matter if one of us seemed to be a compulsive eater/anorexic/some other eating disorder- then I think would be the only time it's understandable to monitor a partner's food choices. I think you need to be very clear with him that he is being extremely rude, and does he know it comes across as controlling and manipulative.

squoosh · 01/05/2015 12:14

Every adult can decide for themselves how much food they eat.