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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find it very annoying when dh dishes out less food for me, as i'm a women

113 replies

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:16

and men need to eat more

he always does this,esp if we have a take away

I find it odd and controlling, while I get the men may need a few more calories
I have an active life, he works in an office

OP posts:

TheListingAttic · 01/05/2015 11:27

I can't get DH to stop dishing up food 50-50, even though he's a skinny-minnie and can eat whatever he wants and I have to be careful, and try and control my portions whenever I dish stuff up.

Maybe we should start eating dinner with each other's spouses?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/05/2015 11:27

That's a pretty big drip feed OP

He's not just doling himself out a spoon more of rice than you, he's actively commenting on the amount of food you want to eat and making value judgements on it, in front of your DD too.

That is controlling.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2015 11:27

I don't feel sorry for men 'these days'. I feel sorry for people still putting up with shit like this.

Original poster

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:28

yes that's when I get cross when he does it in front of dd
I've said 'You don't dictate how much food I need. That's controlling and petty. Cut it out.'
his reply is women don't need to eat as much as men, your being greedy etc etc

it actually makes we want to eat like a pig just to annoy him, which I actually wouldn't do to myself

OP posts:

TheListingAttic · 01/05/2015 11:29

Although actually, reading through some of your updates, he does sound like he's being a bit of a tit, so maybe not...

PurpleSwift · 01/05/2015 11:29

Me and OH served up 50/50 and I ended up overweight Sometimes we serve each other, if there's isn't enough/too much we adjust it, no big deal

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 01/05/2015 11:30

What expat said. To want plenty of food on his own plate, in relation to his own hunger, is fair enough. To demand a say on how much you eat is very controlling. Does he have a problem with your weight? Is he a body fascist?

lordsandladies · 01/05/2015 11:30

Well I'm with op don't know if it's controlling just irritating rude and secist!

And everyone saying men need more calories, maybe on average but what if she's married to a 6 stone tiny dude?

likalixer · 01/05/2015 11:31

I'm all for men and women being treated equally, but even I realize that men and women are built differently and burn fuel differently.
A woman's digestive system is slower for a start (thinking of Gok Wan's Activia ad), something to do with the fact we have progesterone.
Men require more calories for one.

It's not just a matter of: ''they have a penis, we don't''

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/05/2015 11:31

Oh right. Bit of a drip feed then. Yes, he is using food as a way to control you and being a bully about it.

So YANBU, OP. But it does help to have the important information in the initial post, as obviously people can then give more meaningful replies.

Original poster

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:31

he is weird about food and drink, like if I have a, and I mean A drink of an evening say a soft drink like coke or lemonade, he will say, oh are you have a lemonade in a tut tut type way
like water or squash is the only acceptable drink of an evening
when really tthere can be as much sugar in certain squashes

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 01/05/2015 11:32

DP needs far more food than I do to maintain a healthy weight. He's underweight, and I have to watch what I eat constantly or I'd be the size of a house.

I'd be fucked off if we didn't share a takeaway equally tho. That's a "treat" thing to me- not a need- and we should both get a fair share of the goodies.

likalixer · 01/05/2015 11:32

Still, it sounds as if he's doing it purely to be controlling. In this instance, you should be getting the same amount as him!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 01/05/2015 11:34

Regardless of whether men in general need more calories than women in general, why the fuck is it alright for him to be monitoring what she eats? To be calling her greedy in front of her DD? Why is she not allowed to be particularly hungry one day and have a larger-than-needed portion?

JassyRadlett · 01/05/2015 11:36

It's OP's job to decide how much food is appropriate for her and choose how much she wants to eat - not her husband's to decide for her.

Yes, it's controlling. He is making your decisions for you.

Original poster

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:37

he is weird about food, think he gets it from his mum n dad and his childhood
question is, how do I deal with it ?

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 01/05/2015 11:39

I'm one who's struggling to stop DP giving me equal shares as I'm now putting on weight (although takeaways are a treat so fair game!). So in a sense he is right, average woman needs fewer calaries than average man.

But... it's still your choice how much you have. He is being rude and controlling by commenting on it.

Instead of arguing every time there is a meal, or you have a drink of lemonade, you need to talk to him calmly and seriously about this. I know you've tried to make the point already and got nowhere, but doing it in a formal way outside of any argument can really help. You know the points to make: your food and drink = your decision =him to keep his comments and opinions to himself in future and not get in the way of you deciding for yourself how much to eat. And if he doesn't want to do that, as you definitely aren't going to be dictated to and commented on again, what is his suggestion for a solution? Eating separately in future? Is that how he wants your family home and meal times to be like? No? What other solution does he have then? It's his problem/issue, not yours, it's down to him to come up with something.

LittleBairn · 01/05/2015 11:42

He's not 'weird' he's controlling. You have told him how it makes you feel and he isn't care. The next step for me would be to make it clear he changes his attitude immediately or he leaves.

squoosh · 01/05/2015 11:42

Women need less calories per day than men but it's up to you to decide how much you eat, not him.

Fleecyleesy · 01/05/2015 11:42

I've only read the op but actually one of the main ways for women to pile on weight is when they start living with a man and sharing meals 50/50. The man will on average be taller, heavier and need a bigger calorie intake so if his portion is "right", the woman's portion will be too much.

Anyway I'm not sure why you just don't use your voice to speak to your dh, telling him that you are still hungry or to adjust the takeaway order.

SpiritOfTheRitz · 01/05/2015 11:42

I usually dish up less for myself, more for DH. He does the same - but sometimes it looks like he has given himself way more.

Then I make a (jokey) fuss, he puts some of his on my plate so it is even, then I end up not being able to eat it all and have to give some to him at the end.

I know DH only dishes himself more because I do too, and because whenever we have even amounts, I have to give him my leftovers anyway.

If that wasn't the case, if he was trying to control how much I ate, stopping me from having as much as I wanted (or making me eat more than I wanted), I would be extremely angry, and I would probably deliberately eat more just to show him. Which wouldn't be healthy for me.

Trying to control what another autonomous adult eats is never OK.

base9 · 01/05/2015 11:44

He does not comment on what you eat, full stop. Or drink. No way would I put up with dh calling me greedy for wanting to eat... well, anything. What you eat and drink is your business alone, and any comment other than "Can I pour you another glass my love?" is well out of order. He is insulting you. I find it hard to believe this does not extend to other areas of your relationship.

LittleBairn · 01/05/2015 11:44

Man may need more calories yes but that is spread over the whole day not just one meal so he can justify having a larger portion of the meal.

Original poster

CatSwag · 01/05/2015 11:44

i have found ways of dealing with him in other certain food related aspects, for example if we were at at theme park for the day, we would probably have a packed lunch, sarnie, drink, biscuit.

then at night before the drive home or perhaps stop on the way home, for a burger type meal, this is obviously because it's a one off
amd along drive etc, we wouldn't be home in time ot have tea at home

so say in the middle of the afternoon, i fancy some of those mini hot donuts the sell at theme parks,
he would say no, you don't need any of those, we are eating later
i would reply, i know i don't need any, no one needs donuts but i fancy them
que row etc

this would also happen at other one off type places like the seaside

so i have got round this by making sure i always have cash on my person too, so i just go and buy them

i never used to bother with carrying cah or card around with me before as it didn't make sense for us both to

but this works

what annoys me about the donut situation, is he would think nothing of having a coffee, fair enough its aday out its a treat
but i don't drink coffee, but if he got one, i wouldn't bat an eyelid

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/05/2015 11:44

Does he mention your weight at all OP? If he is even concerned about the amount of calories in a glass of lemonade then something is wrong with him .

He's trying to restrict your calorie intake and the only reason I can think of for doing that is because he wants you to lose weight.

If you were obese & he was concerned about your health, that is one thing (although he still doesn't get to tell you what to eat/drink, but to express concern would be reasonable). However, at a healthy size 12 it's clearly not that!

What an arsehole.

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