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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want the wedding I'll never have?

41 replies

98percentchocolate · 01/05/2015 08:55

So DP and I have finally set a date to get married, which is bloody brilliant, I'm over the moon.
We are flat broke though, running up debts, and only have £10 at the end of the month (if we are particularly careful). We've got all the benefits we can, I'm working two jobs as well as being a SAHM to save on childcare costs, we don't have any luxuries, selling everything we can get away with living without, etc. There is nothing more we can do to help our finances save DP getting a better paid job (which he is doing every spare minute of the day). This has come from a couple of people who would know (Cab, accountant friend, etc).
As a result, we are just going to get married in a registry office in the cheapest ceremony we can have. After that we may go out for dinner if we can stretch to it, with any guests paying for themselves.
It'll be lovely and I'm looking forward to being DP's wife, getting all the legal protection for our daughter, etc.
But AIBU for feeling a little sad for the wedding I've wanted since a little girl? Especially since there is absolutely nothing we can do about it?

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 01/05/2015 08:58

It's the marriage that is important not all the pointless and expensive trimmings that come with it.

RatOnnaStick · 01/05/2015 09:00

You're getting married for all the right reasons and that's the best kind of wedding to have.

FarFromAnyRoad · 01/05/2015 09:01

I'm sorry you want that wedding and you're not going to have it. I don't quite understand this as I never wanted the big ceremony, the dress, the fuss, the expense and more fuss. My worst nightmare! I was happy to do registry office and a night out in London. Our friends and relatives were relieved at the lack of expense. I suppose I'm saying that I believe it's really about the sentiment and the belief in each other and that the big show only goes to show that you can afford that. It really shows nothing else.
So YANBU to feel that but I think if you look around you you'll see that you have something that a great many people don't and for that you are very fortunate.

AuntyMag10 · 01/05/2015 09:03

You can always do a renewal of vows later on when things improve
But I agree, it's about the marriage not the wedding.

formerbabe · 01/05/2015 09:05

I understand what you mean op...I think all girls are conditioned from an early age to expect the expensive, fairytale day. In reality, I reckon those huge, extravagant weddings are so stressful to organise that the day itself barely compensates for the months of stress planning it. Your day sounds lovely and relaxed.

PS...last huge, expensive wedding within my social circle....marriage lasted 3 months!

Allstoppedup · 01/05/2015 09:07

I think it's perfectly normal to feel a little disappointed. You can't help how you feel and to be fair you see friends/family members having the type of wedding you imagined and it can be tough. It's rammed down your throat how a wedding 'should' be, but it is just a glorified party at the end of the day and so many people do it differently and low key on a small budget. It doesn't mean your relationship is worth any less.

I'm in the frowned upon MN situation on being unmarried, not engaged SAHM with two kids ( well 2nd on the way) as well and to be honest I can't see us getting 'officially' engaged but may do a similar registery office thing. I'm not devastated by the situation, far from it! I'm very happy with my partner and family, but it's certainly not the set up I had ever imagined! I did feel a little pang of jealousy at my sisters lovely romantic proposal and subsequent white wedding! - Totally irrational but as I said, you can't help how you feel!

That said, it IS 100% about the marriage rather than the 'wedding'. I'm sure you will have a wonderful, romantic day marrying the father of your children regardless of how you end up doing it! Congratulations!

Original poster

98percentchocolate · 01/05/2015 09:08

Exactly, and I know that (which is why I'm not turning into Bridezilla about it) but it is just sad that we won't have our family and friends there other than our immediate family. I just always imagined that even if we hired a village hall, catered it ourselves, and really watched the pennies (which was always the plan as I feel sick at the thought of spending all that money) that my cousins and aunts/uncles would be there (we are very close). We aren't even inviting my best friend, which makes me sad.
BUT, we will be married and that is the important thing. We'll have the legal protection I need, we'll all have the same name finally, and we'll be a family on paper too. A wedding is just one day, we want a marriage.

OP posts:

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 01/05/2015 09:08

It is much easier to afford a bigger wedding before you've had kids, or if parents are paying. The only reason my sister can have such an en expensive wedding today (excited!) is because she hasn't got kids and still lives at home. And I still think she's spent too much money.
Not unreasonable to feel a bit sad, but life rarely ends up going the way you think it will. The most important thing is that you're happy and together.
And maybe you could save up for a blessing/bigger celebration in ten years time?

BabyTuckoo · 01/05/2015 09:10

Congratulations, OP. Obviously, you can't help how you feel, but bear in mind that many people would kill for the lovely simplicity of your wedding - look at the wedding threads on here, with mad family complications, guest list fights etc etc. The imaginary wedding you have in your mind is romantic and perfect because it's only in your mind.

Also, DH and I got married secretly in a lunchtime registry office slot in jeans, with two witnesses, and went for tapas afterwards - and it was entirely by choice.

Honestly, though, have you really been thinking about your wedding since childhood?

everygalaxy · 01/05/2015 09:11

I had a big wedding six months ago I promise you it is nothing compared to being married - it went so quickly and the bit I treasure is saying our vows and having all our family/friends there - the two bits that are free. Even the photos make me a bit sad and shocked at how wasteful it was now that it is all over.
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the planning and all the little treats and will never be able to thank my parents enough for their generosity and I loved our day but I didn't really need any of it. I got caught up in being a bride which is silly because really being a wife is much better.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 01/05/2015 09:11

I have heard that the bigger the wedding, the more likely the couple is to split up...

But how cheaply could you do village hall for - could you ask for donations (cake etc) instead of presents? Although realise some might think that's cheeky. But we said we didn't need presents but if people wanted to contribute to our honeymoon that was up to them.

Original poster

98percentchocolate · 01/05/2015 09:12

X posts with nearly everyone then!
Yy to being "conditioned". I told my mum the plan and she cried. That was particularly horrible and upsetting. I think a lot of it though is not wanting to disappoint other people. But that's life really.
We've said we are going to bookmark the day so that in ten years if we have the money then we'll have a renewal of vows.
If not, then we haven't waited years for nothing.

OP posts:

mugglingalong · 01/05/2015 09:16

One of the best weddings I went to were two students. It was in church but everyone's brought food instead of a gift and had buffet in the church hall. If you want a big wedding on a budget it is possible. A hall for a few hours won't cost much more than a meal out for a family. It is not just about the day though, you are marrying the person you love and that is what matters.

Charley50 · 01/05/2015 09:16

Why don't you enjoy your small wedding and start planning the village hall one as a renewal type / delayed wedding for in a couple of years time. Still plan to keep it small so it's doable. Ask friends and family to donate 'services' eg cake baking, DJ etc. Be creative on a budget.
(I've never wanted a big wedding btw, which is lucky right now as I don't have a fiancé or lots of spare cash).

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 01/05/2015 09:16

Could your family attend register office?

shewept · 01/05/2015 09:17

Yanbu to be a little disappointed. You always have the choice of waiting a few years when your kids are older and you can work again. But you are getting married for all the right reasons and don't want to wait, which I think is the most important bit of it. And I think that's fantastic.

Part of why you are a bit sad, is expectation of family and friends. Why your mum cry or be disappointed you are marrying a good, kind man...in whatever setting, is beyond me.

Also your marriage about your family not everyone else so the wedding should be no different.

Allstoppedup · 01/05/2015 09:19

As another poster suggested. Perhaps set a 5 year anniversary goal (or whatever is realistic budget wise) and have a renewal/party with all your friends then.

Could you not invite your best friend to the ceremony, best friends don't come to a wedding for a meal and all the trimmings, they come to see you happy?

Toofat2BtheFly · 01/05/2015 09:21

Have you spoke to your family about this ?

A church hall style party could be done on the cheap if everyone was to contribute to the buffet by bringing a dish and towards a DJ instead of a present ?

They might think your doing it quietly out of choice .

I appreciate not all family's are so caring but you did say you hate close cousins and friends .

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 01/05/2015 09:22

If it's having your friends and family there that is important to you, that doesn't need to cost a lot of money. Does DP want a small wedding or a cheap wedding?
If you both want a cheaper wedding rather than small, I'd say invite as many as poss to the register office and then find a way to have a cheap party afterwards.

Bambambini · 01/05/2015 09:22

Yanbu for pangs of disappointment but I'm sure you can make it a lovely day. I be been to huge mega weddings and tiny 5 guest, meal out after registry office. They were all fab and memorable in their different ways. The small wedding was so relaxed, lovely and fun.

Congratulations, I'm sure it will be lovely!

Toofat2BtheFly · 01/05/2015 09:22

*have not hate !

riro · 01/05/2015 09:22

I can also understand why you feel the way you feel. I had a lovely wedding, but I was one of those people who would have loved to have just gone off, DP and me, on our own and got married. It feels the more romantic option. It means it really is just a moment about the two of you.

Significant anniversary parties are often like wedding parties. The couple is the centre of attention, the couple dress up in special clothes, there's food, drink and dancing. You can still have a more public celebration of your commitment to one another some time in the future.

BlueBananas · 01/05/2015 09:24

If guests are to pay for themselves at the meal why can't you just invite the people you want there??
Won't cost you any more, invite your friend and aunts & uncles!

spanky2 · 01/05/2015 09:24

I had the big wedding. It gave both sets of parents the opportunity to be vicious, manipulative, controlling and awkward. A small wedding with people you like and a relaxed meal sounds lovely. We spent most of our day worrying if they would behave themselves. Try not to look at these big fancy weddings as missing out, you have someone who loves you so much they want to marry you, even if it is small.

juliej75 · 01/05/2015 09:25

I second the pp who mentioned feeling a bit shocked and sad at how quickly such an expensive day can pass. I had a big wedding first time around and although it was lovely to have all my friends and family together, the stress of organising the 'perfect' day was really not worth it. And the expense was ridiculous really.

Second time around it was registry office with immediate family only. Just as happy without all the fancy trimmings. It honestly, truly is all about making that amazing commitment to the person you love. The rest is just background.

Congratulations on your engagement!

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