AIBU to want the wedding I'll never have?

[98percentchocolate]

So DP and I have finally set a date to get married, which is bloody brilliant, I'm over the moon.
We are flat broke though, running up debts, and only have £10 at the end of the month (if we are particularly careful). We've got all the benefits we can, I'm working two jobs as well as being a SAHM to save on childcare costs, we don't have any luxuries, selling everything we can get away with living without, etc. There is nothing more we can do to help our finances save DP getting a better paid job (which he is doing every spare minute of the day). This has come from a couple of people who would know (Cab, accountant friend, etc).
As a result, we are just going to get married in a registry office in the cheapest ceremony we can have. After that we may go out for dinner if we can stretch to it, with any guests paying for themselves.
It'll be lovely and I'm looking forward to being DP's wife, getting all the legal protection for our daughter, etc.
But AIBU for feeling a little sad for the wedding I've wanted since a little girl? Especially since there is absolutely nothing we can do about it?

finished in theory we could have wider family at the register office, but DP is from overseas so his family would have to travel very far, which would mean we'll have to pay for their meals (we really can't afford to) or we just don't invite that tier of family on both sides. We couldn't invite my cousins and not his, especially since he just as close to his as I am mine.
We've looked at booking a hall but just the register office fees and hall booking price puts it at £600 (seems to be standard price around here as that's the quote I got from six halls). We'd then have to add on food as a minimum and hiring some kind of sound system to play an iPod playlist through. Minimum we could pay is £800 from quotes and googling. It's just not doable at the moment. That amount of money is an absolute fortune to us. But thank you for trying to help, that's very kind xxx

Our local village hall is so cheap to hire out, would your Mum help with the costs if she is so disappointed?

One friend had a pot-luck style buffet, everyone brought a dish along to the hall before the ceremony. Music was just an iPod hooked up to the speakers, and a few of us put up some streamers, fairy lights and balloons. Was the best wedding!

A friend of mine self catered a picnic and invited her friends and family to the beach for 12 noon. They popped to the registry office at 11am and did the legal bits, then stood on the beach, in front of everyone and declared their vows and lifelong promises for everyone to witness. Then everyone sat down, chatted and celebrated while stuffing quiche!

Honestly the most beautiful wedding/reception I have ever attended. I agree it is more about the marriage than the wedding, but a personal day to mark the day the marriage set forth is important too.

Good luck OP!

Well Op I've done both. White dress, bridesmaids and pageboys etc etc the first time round, the day passed in a blur and I don't know if I enjoyed it, but I certainly did not enjoy the marriage!!

Second time, nice frock Registry Office close family and friends, back to my dsis's who had provided a buffet lunch. Evening party at local hall, with friend providing disco and family chipping in and providing food and drink, I ejoyed it and the marriage, 38 years later I'm still enjoying it.

I think your wedding sounds lovely, but it's hard if it's not what you want. I know couples with huge amounts of debts from their weddings and that puts a strain on the marriage from the very start so you're doing the right thing.
I had a registry office, some are lovely and you can personalise the ceremony. I'm not a Christian and DH is so this was our only option anyway but was cheap!
You can still have the big white dress - try preloved, or high street shops such as Monsoon. People thought my dress was expensive. It wasn't, and I sold it after to reclaim a lot of the money, so it only cost me less than 100
I made decorations etc myself. No bridesmaids, no best men, no flowers. You can cut whatever you like - no one notices. They just want food and drink, well my mates do anyway
Good luck and congratulations

The problem is you think you can't invite people because you have to pay for their meals.

It's not like you're stingy, you genuinely don't have the money.

Invite everyone who knows you well enough to know you're skint - if people abroad don't know you're skint then they don't know you well enough.

They can of course choose not to come but that then becomes their choice.

Invite everyone, be explicit that you're inviting them to the ceremony and that you're going to the pub/restaurant where they can buy meals/drinks if they choose. As long as you tell people in advance, it's fine.

Or have a picnic in a park and tell people to bring a dish or their own lunch.

I'd rather go to my best friends wedding and pay for my meal than not go at all. No one minds if you are genuinely skint...people only get annoyed when the bride and groom are loaded yet expect this!

By the way...do you have and friends with a big house or garden you could borrow? Everyone brings a buffet dish...that would be a cheap way to do it.

Lots of people have posted the same thing as me - but I want to add to the idea that you might be able to do something uber cheap. I've been to loads of weddings. The one that sticks most in my mind was the one that was cheapest. They hired a very, very cheap room, just for a few hours after the service (so no evening do), everyone brought a dish (they had an eccectic mix, but that was part of the fun); flowers were hedgerow flowers in jam jars. As it was daytime, I don't remember any music - no seating plan, just a load of tables and you sat where you want. Honestly, it was magical - it was all about the love these two (utterly skint) people had for each other, and the fact that we all loved them and wanted the best for them. And, as it was daytime, if I recall no/very little booze.
Everyone will want to give you a wedding gift - just explain the situation, and ask them instead to bring a plate of food (bought or homemade), and something to share in terms of drinks, and to donate £10 towards the room hire - surely your aunts/cousins/best friend would get that? I know you are saying the room hire costs are £600, but I can't believe mn can't find you somewhere cheaper! Tell us your area, and let us have a go!

That's a good point about the gifts. If I'm going to a wedding I'd bring a gift or cash. If you said no gifts but please bring a dish / pay for your meal it's not going to cost your guests any more. I'd prefer that personally then I can eat what I like (so much crap dried out wedding food over the years) and actually help pay for your big day which to me is nicer and more meaningful than buying you a 40 quid cheese grater off a wedding list

Congratulations on upcoming nuptials.
So you can't afford the fancy expensive way now. Yes its disappointing but you are marrying the one for you. Simply put what's to say you can't renew your vows in 10 years in a lavish way like you would want to if that is something you'd like to do.
We scrimped and saved and had helping hands from family. Our wedding present was honeymoon funds as gifts if anyone wanted to give anything.
At it was expensive but we also had to wait 3 years with the saving to ensure we had enough.

Where do you live Op and when you thinking of doing it. Could help with suggestions whether it's a picnic on a beach or a bbq in the garden or nearby county park. I would be happy to pay for my meal or bring a dish/drink etc.

Have you mentioned the W word when enquiring about the halls? It bumps the cost up loads. Just say that you want a 2hr family party and see what it comes to. It is bizarre that a registry office charges more for extra guests Horrace. Is it to do with the size of the room?

As far as guests from overseas goes I can see that it is an issue but as long as you make it clear in the invite what you are inviting them to then it is their choice. We went to dh's cousin's wedding in another country and combined it with our holiday. Might need to waive the buffet requirements for overseas visitors. Have you talked to your friends about it. Would they not rally round and help.

If you need glasses then big supermarkets used to do free glass loans - you just need to pay for breakages.

YANBU for feeling a bit sad about not being able to have a bigger celebration; it doesn't sound as though you want anything OTT.

But well done for focussing on what is really important.

I think you have a couple of choices here
a) Really go with the quiet elopement style wedding. I've known a couple do this and they made it a really lovely romantic special day just for them. If you want to go home straight from the ceremony and celebrate in bed with a bottle of bubbly, a punnet of strawberries and a pot of chocolate sauce, go for it. Do you have a friend who's good at photography who can meet you afterwards at a local park/beach/garden/local tourist thing and take some photos of your first hour as a married couple. Do something to make it a bit special for yourselves.

b) Invite more people and do a low key cheap party with them. don't think 'reception', think party. As long as you make what is happening clear to them, they can decide if they want to travel etc. And to be honest, when you go to a wedding, you should be going because you want to be part of someone's marriage and celebrate that, not because you fancy a big party. All these massive weddings are lovely but really quite a new invention; even 20 or so years ago most people weren't doing all this stuff as a given. So...
find a pub with free private room hire, lots do this, people can buy their own food/drinks. The pub may even do a small buffet/snacks for you FOC if you bring enough people round to buy drinks on a day they are usually very quiet (midweek?).

Have a party at home, cheap buffet, BBQ or potluck with people bringing food. Make it a BYOB (most parties are, after all...)
Have a park party with people bringing their own picnics (make sure there's somewhere you can run inside if it rains, park cafe etc.)

When I got married my 'wedding breakfast' was a powl of punch and some snacks at my mum and dad's house for family. In the evening we threw a party at home for friends, same as any normal party.

I've been to a bring-a-picnic party - held at one of the couple's place of work with her employers permission. Do either of you work in an office with a nice big meeting room? Or a warehouse? (the one I went to was on a farm, there'd been cows in the shed a couple of days before and her family helped her scrub it all out and decorate and we all took food). It was a glorious wedding, remember every detail years later and way more interesting than one of those cookie-cutter hotel packages.

I really like the idea of having a buffet style or bbq in a garden afterwards, but sadly the only house big enough was ruined by a fire. (Seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up!) A shame as I had great parties there for my 18th and 21st birthdays.
There is a slight chance that my uncle may offer up his house when he hears our plan - that would definitely be big enough as they've hosted there before - but I wouldn't want to ask them - I'd feel too awkward! It would be such an imposition for them.
Pot luck is something that could be done though if we did find a garden if enough, we did similar for DD's birthday party (invited a handful of people and it just got bigger and bigger, one reason I'm hesitant to have something larger)
We are definitely more of a relaxed couple and I really wouldn't feel comfortable in the big hotel style wedding (nothing wrong with that, we just wouldn't feel it was us)
Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to reply, you're definitley making me feel better!

love Damn, do you think it's too late to exchange the groom for someone who lives on a farm?? That sounds beautiful. Sadly, I work in a shop and from home, and DP works from home or his car. As nice as his company car is, I dont think we could fit many in.
The pub thing is a good idea though, will start asking around - thank you!

muggling I've been really careful about not saying the W word as I'd heard that the prices go up too, so those are the actual prices sadly.