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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's sad that far too many women seem to have DHs/DPs who don't help with housework or childcare?

33 replies

Sansarya · 01/05/2015 08:40

Recently I've noticed many posts from OPs here and on a few other parenting groups who say this. Unless the DH in questions works extremely long hours or travels a lot for work I think this is really unfair. In some cases the OP has a full time job too but is expected to do everything around the house and for the kids.

Even at weekends some of them stay home with the children while their DH say, swans off to the gym or spends all day cycling. Even worse is that some women seem to think this is just what men are like and it's inevitable that they'll do nothing around the home. It doesn't have to be like that so why do they put up with it?

(I'm not talking about those with abusive husbands of course, that's a completely different kettle of fish.)

OP posts:

Shinytortoise24 · 01/05/2015 08:48

Maybe because this website is a place for woman to moan about their husbands and not to tell the world they have a great one.

KnitKnitPurl · 01/05/2015 08:52

My husband is great, and does all the cooking and half the housework, as well as getting up early with the baby on his days off. But that wouldn't be very interesting to start a thread about!

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2015 08:53

I'm another with a great husband. I'm on maternity large but he still cooks tea every night, does equal housework and does loads with the baby.

Original poster

Sansarya · 01/05/2015 09:01

I understand that MN is a good place for a moan but I know far too many women IRL who put up with guys like this.

OP posts:

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 01/05/2015 09:04

The only person i know IRL who puts up with a man like this is married to a man from another massively different culture who was brought up in this way. Everyone else shares housework and childcare (when not working) with their partner.

formerbabe · 01/05/2015 09:09

I agree op...I know I will get flamed saying this, but I think if a man wants his wife to be a housewife and do the lion share of housework then they need to accept that they need to earn enough to facilitate that lifestyle. It is f**king outrageous that women are expected to work full time yet still fulfill the role of a 1950s housewife.

Vintagebeads · 01/05/2015 09:16

My bil is just as you discribe,I really don't understand why my sister puts up with it,we grew up in the same houses with a Dad that cooked,looked after us while our mum worked, and worked full time himself,a good role model you would think,and yet she married a lazy feckless man.
I don't know what the answer is.

Daisy17 · 01/05/2015 09:25

I agree too, OP. Me and my DP have always been 50/50 parents and housekeepers, but several of my friends (intelligent, educated women who actively identify themselves as feminists) have found themselves in very unequal situations once the baby has arrived because their partners have just not stepped up to the plate in the way they assumed they would. It makes me very sad and cross. If they were happy with the set-up then all well and good but they are not. I end up describing myself as "lucky" because of it, which is silly.....

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 01/05/2015 09:31

shewept · 01/05/2015 09:35

In rl, I don't know any of these men or women. I see loads on here. But remember no one is going to start a 'aibu my dh cooks teas everyday and does the washing' and we only get one pov. The dh may have a completely different view, his view might be a pile of shit but it might not be.

TwoOddSocks · 01/05/2015 09:39

I'm another with a great, helpful husband. That said I know what you mean. Me and DH just feel like we've found an equitable way to share the load, but he is often lauded for what really just amount to doing his share. I'm often told that I'm very lucky.

I do some tutoring at the weekend and am often asked "but whose looking after DS?" errr his other parent is. No one has ever asked my DH who is looking after his son. I think also there's a section of society that likes to denigrate any kind of domestic work. Some people delight in pointing out that it's not "rocket science", to spend all day "baking cakes". Well no it's not rocket science but neither is being an office manger, or driving a bus or being a GP or lawyer.

Original poster

Sansarya · 01/05/2015 09:39

Exactly Daisy! Recently on a small Facebook parenting group I'm on every single poster there was complaining that their partners don't help enough with the kids and that that was to be expected as that's what men are like. It was quite depressing and I am so glad my DP does more than his fair share. But I don't want to say I'm "lucky" as I think all husbands and partners should be like that. Maybe it's just me but I actually wouldn't countenance a man who didn't help out.

OP posts:

BettyCatKitten · 01/05/2015 09:43

DP and I do 50/50 chores and child care. We both work, him days and me nights, however, I know women who do nearly all of it, so yanbu.

Maliceaforethought · 01/05/2015 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewept · 01/05/2015 09:50

I hate the 'who is looking after the kids?' Question. Pisses me off and its usually from women.

Who do you think? The fucking tooth fairy?

These are people who are fully aware that we are a 2 parent family

Chippednailvarnish · 01/05/2015 09:56

I know far too many capable women married to incapable / lazy men. The only log term solution is to raise our sons to be feminists.

Maliceaforethought · 01/05/2015 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsVestibule · 01/05/2015 10:13

I moved in with DH when I was 34 weeks pregnant, obviously went on maternity leave fairly quickly and didn't go back to work until DC1 was 13 months. As I was the one at home (and she wasn't a high needs baby), it naturally fell to me to do most of the housework, which I was fine with. He bathed DD every night and put her to bed while I made dinner, so that was his reasonable contribution.

However, once I returned to work full time, we experienced problems - it REALLY wasn't that he thought I should do everything, more that it never crossed his mind that washing needed to be done every other day, meals needed to be thought of in advance, we had to know who was taking/picking DD up from nursery etc. He was more than happy to do his share (when I told him what needed doing) but I didn't want to manage my fairly stressful work AND have to manage the household too.

I suppose the fact that he did his fair share of the childcare and pulled his weight when I told him what needed doing made me not want to hit him round the head with a poker but it did rile me a LOT.

So all of that was bad enough - if he genuinely thought none of it was his responsibility, I couldn't have stayed with him. But breaking up your family for this reason must be extremely difficult. 'Why are you and Daddy not together anymore?', 'Because he never washes up' sounds a bit lame.

SandysMam · 01/05/2015 13:28

Different generation but my MIL and FIL are like this. She serves him dinner, he gets up when he's finished leaving his plate and not waiting for her to finish of saying a word. If she asks if he wants a drink he says "juice" no please or thank you. She does everything for him AND works while he sits on his lazy arse all day. Needless to say I won't let my DP follow his father's lead!!

TheWordFactory · 01/05/2015 13:36

I'm always surpirsed at how proud some posters on MN are that the do 'everything' leaving their DH to pursue his career.

First, many successful men help at home and with their DC.

Second, why would any woman want to facilitate a man who didn't want to take full part in family life?

Sure someone who works full time will have less available hours to take part than a SAHP, but they will have some hours.

Bonsoir · 01/05/2015 16:14

It's a bank holiday today here in France. DP has invited a newly separated friend of his over for dinner. DP went to the market this morning and has just made poulet aux morilles.

When I first knew my DP he had been trained by his parents and his exW never to lift a finger when guests were coming. I have living proof that you can (happily) train men out of those behaviours

Seeingthebeautyineveryminute · 01/05/2015 16:30

My Dh is pretty good. I stay at home with the children atm so obvs do the childcare on weekdays. I always get toast and tea in bed however whilst Dh takes the children downstairs for breakfast and gets them dressed. We do bath and bedtime together. Weekends we share childcare/housework 50/50 (in fact he is tidier than me and better at washing). We also share cooking. He also doesn't like football so that is a bonus (I have lots of friends whose dp's are footie obsessed come the weekend). I honestly don't think I would have chosen a partner who didn't do his fair share. We are living in 2015 after all not 1915!

Spl0ink · 01/05/2015 16:53

I'm of a generation where I watched my mum run the house and so subliminally absorbed the information that shopping needs to be done and meals planned etc. I think even now a lot of young men have been brought up with domestic chores just occurring magically with no expectation that men get involved in that side of things.

But having said that, my mum complained bitterly to me about her lot throughout my childhood and I have a resulting aversion to housework. I do the shopping and most of the cooking but my husband does almost all of the cleaning, as he's bright enough to have worked out that if he wants a hoovered carpet, then he has to hoover it.

Original poster

Sansarya · 01/05/2015 18:26

Seeing I thank god that my DP doesn't like football either as it seems that most of my friends' husbands who like football turn into sulky children during the season! I've never heard of anything so ridiculous as a grown man spending the whole day in a bad mood because his team lost. Grow TF up!

OP posts:

Bambambini · 01/05/2015 18:43

God, never thoughts me and the husband would end up having such an old fashioned traditional relatiohip. I don't work and he works a lot and often away. I do all the cleaning, shopping and cooking. We share bussing the kids around and school runs when he is around.

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