It's not in the will but...

[JillCrewe]

... this is doing my head in. I think I am bu....here goes.
I am a widow with 3 young DC, and both my parents died before and shortly after DH. His mother died days before he did; his dad died long ago. So DD, the eldest (DS was a baby) had all this death and visits to hospital and caring for terminally ill people to endure.
I am broke in cash terms, living in small terraced house working pt. I invested the money late DH inherited in another similar little house which I rent out; I want my children to inherit something. I don't really see this as my money. So to many people I am probably rich tho' I do have lots of loans to pay.
The bit I cannot cope with is my BIL, who has no children and no living relatives apart from my children. He refuses to help me out in any way whatsoever, and now lives a comfortable semi-retired life, benefitting also from a huge inheritance from a childless godparent. Think 4 bed executive home, new car, lots of foreign holidays a year, new kitchen, garden relandscaped etc.
Just 2% of the inheritance from his parents, my DC's Grandparents, would lift me out of my overdrafts (not the mortgage and loan) and help see me through to when my son starts school and I can increase my work hours. I am permanently exhausted, pay over half my salary on childcare, and am trying to survive financially on less than one quarter of our income when DH was alive.
DD was very traumatised; I try so hard to keep her spirits up. She has loves riding, and so that it was she does, but none of these things are cheap.
I know I should not expect BIL to feel under any obligation to support his late brother's family. But he takes no interest in the children (also his godchildren) and their ups and downs, and further has told me categorically never to expect help from him. Yet he expects to see them each school holiday and I promised dying DH that I would not alienate the children from his brother.
We didn't see him last holidays because in reply to his suggestion that it was time to meet, telling us how LUCKY we are, I told him we didn't have luck and we are broke and luck would be some financial assistance. He hasn't contacted us again.
I feel such a failure. But I can't get out of my head that morally he should help us, because he can. I'm not asking for his hard earned cash. Just some recognition that my children did not have any provision in the will and he has the power to change that. So please tell me I have no right to expect financial support from him, and the notion of more wealthy family members helping out poorer ones died 100 years ago.
I never treat myself, no hair cuts, no alcohol, everything goes on the children. I was even given a bottle of wine by someone I had helped, and guess what, I gave it to him as a birthday present when we last met. There's so much more horribleness, from him, but right now I am stuck with the promise I made DH and the sheer falseness of the situation.
Did you really read all that?!?

JillCrewe, I'm sorry for your loss. It's very sad, and if I was your brother in law would offer you financial assistance. However, I'm not your brother in law, and you are unlikely to be able to force him to do it.

You have to ask yourself this. What happens if you are faced with a bill you can't pay? You will end up paying a bank lots of money and being forced to sell your house at a lower price than you might have got otherwise.

Your kids will be fine. Rather than worrying about leaving them money, focus on making sure they are OK now. They can tell if you're worrying about money.

I think you are still partly in shock with grief - your thinking is so off balance here. Don't beat yourself up about this but do see it as a red flag warning. You need to take care of yourself - perhaps counselling.
As is clear from everyone's response YABVU.
I'm also interested in when bil went behind your back? Was it quite close to the death? Was he trying to protect you from hassle? What was he actually trying to set up? Did he think you'd listen to sensible suggestions from your brother?
I'm setting up a will atm and appointing guardians but making someone else trustee - cos I know that the guardians will need pushing to spend money on themselves while looking after dh. The money we leave is to wrap them in comfort whilst they wrap their arms round DC. If DC don't get a penny they will have had a secure loving base to springboard from. Please don't underestimate how important that is. If you are anxious and worried through their childhood you are doing them no favours. It's not what your DH would have wanted.

Looking after dc not dh. Typo.

*you are being greedy op

the split was fare and you do have a large asset but you dont want to cash it in but want your BIL to contribute to your income*

^ This. Sorry OP, but YABVU! I'm sorry for your loss, but if you want to make your children's lives better you need to sell the house. It's nice to have an asset, but it's not fair to make your DC live in poverty unnecessarily.

Sell the second house - pay off the loans, make your lives more comfortable and put money into savings for the children.

How much is the second house worth? Could you pay off the debts and buy a smaller house?

It's really not your brother in law's responsibility to spend his useable cash on your family whilst your wealth is tied up in an investment.

I'm sorry for your losses OP but YABVU, sell the second house as your situation is not your BIL's fault.

OP, as you said in your opening post YABU. You know you are.

I'm very sorry for your losses. You have been through a terrible time and I think that this has clouded your thinking. I would think that your BIL should help you if you couldn't help yourself financially but you can as you can sell the second house and use the money for you and your children to live for today and the near future.
You don't know that they will need a financial cushion in the future (DH and I and many others don't) and you don't know that they will need or even want to inherit money from you. You do know that they need you to have more money for them to live now so focus on that.

Sorry for your loss, it's a hard time. YABVU please remember your BIL has just lost his (only?) brother and his mum, so is also grieving. Sounds like he has no close family left.

To the poster who said nothing compares to losing a DH; I lost my dbro when he was 27. Devastated doesn't begin to cover it. It completely depends on the individual and as others have said, grief isn't a competition.

How much is the second house worth? Could you pay off the debts and buy a smaller house?
No need to do that if you can increase/take out a small mortgage on the BTL house.

In fact I once made a will for an elderly man, a widower, well off, with three children, one of whom was looking at the collapse of his marriage and of his business, and as he did not want his assets to pass to his (ex-)DIL or his son's creditors he decided to bypass that son; and as the other children were also living independently to bypass his daughter too; his other son was single. The new will he made left a third to the single son; a third to be divided equally between his daughter's two children; and a third to be divided equally among the other son's three children. He lived just long enough for all the grandchildren to reach 18 and avoid trustee arrangements. Perfectly fair; Neither the daughter nor the son with three complained that Mr Single would take a full third while their children would get less. The DIL was very pissed off!

OP, I appreciate that you have been through a hell of a lot but you are not listening. Sell the house!!

Do you really think your kids will thank you for putting them through a childhood of debt, worry, scrimping and selling possessions to get by, so you can give them a house? Think about it.

Thanks everyone. There's lots of useful info. Tho' please before being critical could people please remember that I haven't asked BIL for anything, only hinted, I am trying out here on mumsnet a scenario of something that I know deep down is wrong, I just wanted to know if it might be right to do it. btw both houses are tiny terraces in a rural location, nothing flash, and I originally bought the 2nd one for my ill mum so I could care for her without driving for 1.5 hours each way. We dress from jumble sales and charity shops. All my money is spent on DCs quality of life, particularly DD as she has witnessed so much. my hair is not coloured and I get it cut once a year, I spend nothing on myself. No alcohol. BIL is not a nice character. Writing and reading he posts has brought so much flooding back but I know I will never confront him with it. One example, new widow, young baby, been up all night making sandwiches and cakes for 200 mourners at DH funeral and somehow after that family came back to my house. And when I was out of the room he criticised the state of my house to my family. For the fortnight before DH short coma no sleep, DH had kept falling out of bed and I had to lift him back in , and new baby to feed. And mastitis.
I think that I need counselling; I've been doing doing doing...and not grieving and now it needs to come out.
I've never felt strong, I've only tried to keep up a facade for the sake of my DC's 'normality' and right now I feel like a failure. Wow it needed to come out, crying loads now, thanks guys. Will be better soon.

BIL does sound like an arse.

I agree it sounds like you could do with some counselling to talk this all through. You have been through so much and are amazingly strong. I'm sure someone more knowledgeable than me will be along with ideas of how you can get someone to talk to.

for you.

I'm glad you're letting it out, and do try and get some counselling.

You dont need to pander to BIL, if he wants to see the DC just dont put barriers up.

You can be independant if you looked into selling the BTL, then you most likely wont have to be dressed from jumble sales and charity shops

As i said before, i dont have good childhood memories, (hence the 'triggering on this thread' )because my parent did what you are trying to do, and holding on to the asset was more important than me - thats what your children will remember - i'm now in my 40s and the asset is still there, but its not helping me at all, by the time its freed up to help me, i'll probably be in my 60s. I would much rather have had a better childhood - as it was I was DESPERATE to get in to the workplace, so I could have some spare cash, because we NEVER had any growing up . If it had been different, i would probably have gone to Uni, and get a better job..... (might not have been, and my life is not terrible now by any means. just saying it could have been better)

you are not a failure, and never think you are, you have gone through a horrible traumatic time, allow yourself time to grieve, but do take this pressure off yourself by looking at selling the BTL and seeing what a difference this would make - do your sums. share here if you like (obviously you dont have to.....) but do write it oult and see where you would be

Its an awful situation op. And you do have my sympathy, completely.

But you can change your situation. You have the assets to do that.

If bil is so awful, why would you want his help? As it is, he has stopped contacting you...so its not your fault if he doesn't see your kids. Why would you want his money and have to deal with him....when you have the money to sort this out yourself.

You do need counselling. Definitely. You also need to see that dh, wanted the money to go to you not his children. Because he wanted to make this awful time, slightly easier for you. Not better, but easier. He wouldn't want this, your kids won't want this and neither do you.

Having inheritance means nothing if your mother miserable and stressed.

Bless you, yes it's time to deal with those emotions. You've been through so much.

Am I right in thinking your mother lives in the other house rent free? If this is the case then perhaps she needs to finance her own life and you can actually receive an income from the rental of it. Bil shouldn't be asked to, in effect, subsidise your mother. Apologies if I've got this wrong.

Be proud of yourself for being so strong and normal for your children. It's amazing that you've held it together for so long. Take time to help yourself now. I think you've realised that money from bil is not the answer. You need to look elsewhere to get the emotional support you need.

Good luck.

Your OP tugs at so many heart strings it's difficult not to want to side with you... BUT stepping back and thinking about it more and more I just see so much wrong with this situation and your attitude.

First of all your current financial problems are of your own making. You chose to buy a house with your share of the inheritance and you're choosing not to sell it. You are trying to absolve yourself of this responsibility by telling yourself it's the children's money, not yours, but let's face it, they didn't buy the house you did, and your using this mantra to rationalise hanging on to the house.

Secondly, you are treating your BIL very poorly. He is not, as a PP pointed out, a Victorian benefactor. I imagine that he feels the same way as lots of people on this thread, that you want some of his money to save you having to spend your own. And your casual mention of emotionally blackmailing him is shocking.

I have the greatest sympathy for anyone like you who has suffered loss, and I extend that to your BIL who has lost his entire immediate family and now seems to have the uncertainty of his relationship with his only living relatives - his dead brother's children - hanging over him.

For the sake of your DCs, yourself and your BIL you need to start doing the right thing.

If he's not a nice person, that's even more reason not to be indebted to him.

Your kids don't need to inherit 2 houses.

Free up the money from the BTR and treat yourselves.

Thanks again yes I agree. Mum also died, within year of DH. 2nd hand Boden looks good on DCs and I don't worry about it getting dirty , though I could do with looking more kempt I think! Did plan to sell other house one day to pay for DC uni fees, but not gap year (I couldn't afford one of those so they must self finance that). DH was paranoid about prospect still more than a decade away of Uni fees!!! I've inherited that to!!! I helped my sister cos our parents weren't paying parental contributions and she was amassing debt at Uni whilst I had job. I can't see a problem with sharing with family, but in different context BIL (who financially doesn't need to work any more than v part-time) told me that he needed all his money to pay for his old age care fees one day.

So the houses are actually yours, and in your name? Then you are free to do what you need to with them.

If your BIL is an unpleasant person surely that is just even more reason to not ask him for any of his money? You don't want him to have any power or control over you!

PS It's not my attitude, I haven't done anything because it's not right and I've said that all along. Posted to try to get another perspective on the issue, or to justify my inactivity on the 'begging' front. Really just openned a massive can of emotional worms that I'm trying to keep a lid on! I've not said that I will do any such things and not casually, it's a problem that keeps me awake. So no I haven't done anything to anyone and tried to make it all seem normal on the outside - gifts to BIL etc.

thanks everyone, using virtual route to shut down one potential course of action and move towards another has been so useful. Hope you can appreciate why this is never something I could have discussed in real life.

Your priorities are skewed. You are struggling to make ends meet yet have a spare house that you are saving for your children. Sell it.

Does that mean you are going to sell the BTL.