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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this sexist or am I over thinking things?

124 replies

WidowWadman · 30/04/2015 07:19

My husband and I are buying our first home. I'm earning a bit more than him, the deposit is coming out of my inheritance, I've been doing all correspondance with our conveyancer (including the initial instruction), so why am I named second on all paperwork? It doesn't make a difference on a practical level as we're joined tenants anyway, but somehow it really pisses me off, that he's "buyer1" and I'm "buyer2" on everything. Can't be even based on alphabetical name order so I wonder if it's based on sex?

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
however · 30/04/2015 07:22

Probably not.

nooka · 30/04/2015 07:30

YANBU I'm sure it is biased on sex, and it would piss me off too.

ollieplimsoles · 30/04/2015 07:30

I think its just how they have randomly written your names down on a form...

RaspberryLemonade · 30/04/2015 07:31

YANBU and tbh I would bring it up with whoever made that decision. Not confrontational but just making them aware of their casual sexism.

catabouttown · 30/04/2015 07:32

It will be because of old school letter writing etiquette that Mr comes before Mrs. Yes it is sexist and one of the things that really gets my back up!

Idontseeanydragons · 30/04/2015 07:34

It depends - when you filled in the form who wrote their name and details first?
As far as I can remember from last time there were 2 boxes next to each other, he wrote his on the left and mine went on the right so his name went first.
Can't remember how it was laid out the first time we got a mortgage but with our first house we were in the same position as you and I was named as the main buyer.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2015 07:35

It's casual sexism and most people don't even register they are doing it

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 30/04/2015 07:35

YANBU

Angry
patterkiller · 30/04/2015 07:35

When we decided to have joint bank accounts a few years ago, we decided it would be easier if DH just added his name to mine which I had had for over 15 years. The paperwork all came back with him as account holder 1 and me bumped to 2. The only reason was his gender. I'm pretty sure if I had joined his account I would of been account holder 2.

nobodyknowsimhere · 30/04/2015 07:35

That happened to me! DP said I was being paranoid, but it was the same on the vendors' paperwork and it really annoyed me. YANBU

KatyN · 30/04/2015 07:36

I am pretty sure I am the first buyer on our home. It might have helped that I sold a flat in my name only to buy a house in both of our names.

Defo point it out.. Casual sexism is a massive problem.. It seems harder to identify than outright sexism.

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 07:37

Not quite as important (in terms of what it is and the money involved) but I've noticed utilities companies doing this to me too. It's nothing to do with how the names are written on the form - I'm always given as the 'primary' account holder, contact, whatever - and payments come from my account. I've never been married so it's not a Mr and Mrs thing (and my title is Dr anyway) but no matter how it's done, they still put me second on everything. Or don't name me at all. One company round here is known for automatically making the man in a couple the primary account holder, i.e. the only person they'll deal with, and then if you want to change it he has to ring up and give his permission! (I got that bypassed by furiously demanding to know why nobody asked my permission to make him in charge in the first place).

So, in conclusion I'm sad to say I think YANBU.

RachelWatts · 30/04/2015 07:37

We had the same when we were buying our house.

We'd put my name down as buyer1 and DH's as buyer2 as I had a permanent job and was the higher wage earner, whereas he was contracting.

The building society decided to swap us round when they entered our details on the system.

Even worse - the form was colour-coded with blue boxes for buyer1's details and pink for buyer2!

HidingFromDD · 30/04/2015 07:38

It's blatantly sexist. Happened to me with exH 20 years ago. We actually asked for me to be put on as buyer 1 but mortgage company said it wasn't possible! Also had the same thing with current accounts. It doesn't matter what sequence you enter the names it will resequence it to male first Angry

FuckingLiability · 30/04/2015 07:41

I was on the form as buyer 1 because the mortgage was based on my salary at the time. When we got the forms back they'd switched me to buyer 2.

Merse · 30/04/2015 07:43

YANBU. These things seem small, but they speak volumes.

shewept · 30/04/2015 07:49

I was buyer 1 on ours and dh was buyer 2. I assume because that's how we filled in the paperwork.

If that's not the case with you, and its based in his gender. Then yanbu.

fustybritches · 30/04/2015 07:52

Yanbu Angry

SevenAteNine · 30/04/2015 07:58

I work for the family business. Our letters to clients come out based on the order they are written on the form, which tends to be male partner first.
I can honestly say we've never even thought about it. Certainly, no one has ever mentioned it.

TalkingintheDark · 30/04/2015 08:00

Wow. This is one of those things that just shouldn't be happening in 2015. The fact that even if you actively try to put the woman as buyer 1 the system is set up to change her to buyer 2 - bloody hell! YANBU at all to think this is sexist crap.

And the pink and blue boxes - WTF? Wonder how they cope with same sex couples, apart from anything else.

Just waiting for a male "feminist" to come along and tell us we shouldn't be worrying our pretty little heads about something like this when there are "serious" issues like FGM to be tackled. Because obviously there's no correlation between deep seated assumptions of male superiority and violence against/control of women.

FuckingLiability · 30/04/2015 08:00

It's not the worst example of sexism ever, but it's small stuff like this which women complain about and are told we're making a fuss about nothing. What people fail to take into account is that women's lives are filled with examples of this trivial, casual sexism and it usually gets written off precisely because it's trivial.

FinallyHere · 30/04/2015 08:01

Ours came like this: I made 'em change it, because I could.

And DH didn't care one way or the other.

Original poster
WidowWadman · 30/04/2015 08:03

Definitely not filled the forms in that way. Won't ask to change it because that would introduce a delay in exchanging, so I resolve to be just angry. Especially as it seems so common.

OP posts:
Kampeki · 30/04/2015 08:06

Yanbu. It's sexist.

I have had similar experiences.

UptheChimney · 30/04/2015 08:12

YANBU. Definitely not. I'd challenge & change it, TBH, even if it took longer. I'd point out it's their mistake, and they need to fix it (bank & solicitor).