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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this sexist or am I over thinking things?

124 replies

WidowWadman · 30/04/2015 07:19

My husband and I are buying our first home. I'm earning a bit more than him, the deposit is coming out of my inheritance, I've been doing all correspondance with our conveyancer (including the initial instruction), so why am I named second on all paperwork? It doesn't make a difference on a practical level as we're joined tenants anyway, but somehow it really pisses me off, that he's "buyer1" and I'm "buyer2" on everything. Can't be even based on alphabetical name order so I wonder if it's based on sex?

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 08:14

Wonder what they do when it's a same sex couple. Guess for men it will just be however the form is written out, but what about two women? You know, as the implication is that women can't possibly be trusted to worry their pretty little heads about being in control of something?

Sounds a bit ridiculous when put like that doesn't it...

Whatdoiknowanyway · 30/04/2015 08:20

We had an issue with BT.
They wouldn't allow us to have account in joint names so it was registered as just.DH.
Years later I had my own business working from home so I contacted BT to arrange for a new line to be installed. Obviously in my name as it was business related.
The first bill came in addressed to DH???
I expostulated and he said, 'oh, yes, they rang and asked if I wanted both lines on same account so I said yes. Seemed to make sense'.
I'd placed the order for my line in my house for my business and they didn't have the courtesy to let me know they were arranging for the contract to be changed to someone else.

DH was left in no doubt about my opinion on the subject and, with his consent, the contracts were both switched in my name to a different.supplier.

BT continued to ring for years asking to speak to my husband so they could understand why they had lost 'his' accounts. I took great pleasure.in telling them exactly why. Still makes me cross now.

toomuchtooold · 30/04/2015 08:28

You should see it here in Switzerland when you do your tax return. If you're married you do a joint one and it comes preprinted with the man in as head of household. DH put a line through the names and wrote them in in the opposite order but when we got the bill through there he was, magically first on the list again.

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 08:31

Or indeed, a single woman? Maybe we lose our brains when we enter a relationship with a big important man.

It really frustrates me. I've challenged it repeatedly but somehow it always reverts back to male first

cheminotte · 30/04/2015 08:31

Yanbu. When I was choosing an estate agent to sell our house, I rang one up to arrange a valuation. They asked it was jointly owned and took DP's details. Then they wrote just to him to confirm the appointment. I rang up to complain and they could not understand what the problem was. I didn't use them. When Halifax and other building societies were privatised in the 90s the shares often only went to the first name on the mortgage, i.e. the man. Our first mortgage was with a building society and I insisted on being named first for this reason.

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 08:34

toomuch isn't there some thing in Switzerland where the woman's place of origin on her ID card gets changed to her husband's on marriage? And it's only quite recently she can opt to keep her own?

RuthAaaghhh · 30/04/2015 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

devon004 · 30/04/2015 08:37

You think that is bad. My mum had a building society account. She later added my dad onto the account. His name was put on 1st. He died just before the members were to receive free shares. She lost out because he was the 1st named party on the account. So she didn't qualify and hr couldn't get them as he was dead.

toomuchtooold · 30/04/2015 08:38

I don't know Pangaea, I have my DH's place of origin but that's because I'm naturalised, believe it's the same for blokes.

It wouldn't surprise me though. Switzerland is really the land that feminism forgot. The other day I was getting sushi for lunch and I noticed they had some smaller boxes... labelled "Lady size". FFS.

Moreisnnogedag · 30/04/2015 08:38

Yanbu. My conveyancing solicitor addressed letters to 'Mr & Mrs' and 'Dear Mr More' which was great seeing as I was buying our house in my name only. It took them numerous phone calls and emails for them to stop.

I should have gone elsewhere. It really did indicate things to come.

thecapitalsunited · 30/04/2015 08:46

I'm buying at the moment (completion tomorrow, hurrah!) and my solicitor told us that my DP has to be the first signatory on all the paperwork because of legal convention or some other such twaddle. So they know which signature is which. Obviously a complete load of shite but its hard to challenge when all you want to do it have the paperwork sorted.

RainbowFlutterby · 30/04/2015 08:48

I'm supposed to be doing my household filing so I thought I'd have a quick look at all the stuff in both mine and DP's names.

Tenancy, Council Tax, Tax Credits, Water and Gas & Electric are the only ones and they all have my name first.

I'm both surprised and impressed!

dollydaydream27 · 30/04/2015 08:54

Same thing here. Thought I was being sensitive. I did all correspondence/ meetings , provided deposit , earned more yet second buyer . Always named second on all paperwork too. Really annoying.

sparkysparkysparky · 30/04/2015 09:14

Us to. I do all the finance stuff and dh is buyer1. It is sexism.

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 09:22

toomuch I have an idea of what you mean - I did some work for a Swiss organisation once and they asked for my father's details. Wtf? I'm a full grown adult woman ffs - and what about my mum?! Why doesn't she count?

I suspected it was just the tip of an iceberg. I probably spontaneously combust if I had to deal with it all the time.

I have to say, I was very pleased once when the estate agents said (tenancy) "we'll put you first, as you're sorting everything out" (I am generally the organised and conscientious one, which is why I've always ended up being the person doing this stuff)). But then I really shouldn't even be noticing that as pleasantly surprising, should I?

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 09:34

moreis that is...I don't think I know what that is! Feels like that's even a breach of your confidentiality in some way. They were addressing correspondence about what were essentially your personal financial dealings to somebody who wasn't you. Never mind the fact that we all know that would never have happened the other way round...

TheVermiciousKnid · 30/04/2015 09:37

YANBU. It's a crap, sexist relic from the past. Your post has prompted me to phone BT. For years correspondence from them came in both our names (can't remember who came first). Last year we started using them for broadband as well as the landline, I dealt with all of it. Ever since then all the correspondence is addressed to my husband only, no mention of me. Even though most of the money that pays the bills comes from me. Bastards. I'll be phoning them in a minute and report back how I get on. I'm willing to change suppliers if they tell me that they can't do anything about it.

LatinForTelly · 30/04/2015 09:51

YANBU. Casual sexism. Challenge them on it! This has reminded me to check my savings account, and I'll be challenging my bank on that if it's wrong. I bet it is.

HazleNutt · 30/04/2015 09:52

toomuch and if you pay tax at source, the wife is taxed more on the same salary than husband, as tax free allowance is applied to his salary only. You can apply for this to be changed, but the automatic assumption is that the man is the main earner, and wife does a little job for pin money.

When I got married, my French bank changed our account from M Hisname and Mlle Myname to "M and Mme Hisfirstname Hislastname." Without even asking. I didn't change my name and didn't have any ID identifying me as that wife of the account holder..

BoffinMum · 30/04/2015 09:57

Fuckingliability, this is what I tried to explain to my Dh and DS the other day - the sheer number of occurrences like this which go on and on and on. They really didn't seem to appreciate the scale of it.

Poledra · 30/04/2015 10:01

Hmm, this is interesting, and has led me to try and think how the names are on our joint stuff. So, the credit card was mine originally, and we added DH onto it - I get all the paperwork, and I had to call them and give permission for them to speak to DH if I was not available. Our joint account does have his name first, but he opened that one (we shift our accounts about quite a bit, and he was the one dealing with that paperwork as the branch was closest to his work).

Utilities, we each took responsibility for different things when we moved in together, so i get the phone bills, he gets the water and gas/electric bill. And, for our last move, I was named first on all the paperowrk, as my work was relocating us so I was the person they dealt with. So it all seems quite equitable. Until you realise that our titles are both Dr....

DrDre · 30/04/2015 10:10

This is why organisations should always list names in these kinds of scenarios alphabetically. It is sexist.

BoffinMum · 30/04/2015 10:11

Poledra, DH is Mr and I am Dr. Same surname.

There was a notorious incident I reported on MN when John Lewis refused to let me speak to them about my own fridge warranty as the woman assumed Dr must be my husband.

(It got better when she checked the records again and I realised they had actually ennobled him by pulling down the wrong title in the drop down menu. I thought only the Queen could do that).

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 10:12

The worst one for me was when a company that should have been addressing "Dr mylastname and Mr hislastname" took it upon themselves to change it to "Dr hislastname". Because they assumed it was a mistake that the obviously female name went with the academic title (and also a mistake that I should be included at all, presumably).

Fucking demeaning

MirandaGoshawk · 30/04/2015 10:13

I'm first on all our house stuff.

What really does piss me off, though, is that we each have a Co-op visa card (joint account) and I pay for household stuff using it. But if there's a query they will insist on speaking to him, regardless of the fact that he has given them 'permission' to talk to me, etc. They always ask if he's there, if he knows I'm ringing, etc., and then refuse to speak to me. It drives me wild .

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