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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this sexist or am I over thinking things?

124 replies

WidowWadman · 30/04/2015 07:19

My husband and I are buying our first home. I'm earning a bit more than him, the deposit is coming out of my inheritance, I've been doing all correspondance with our conveyancer (including the initial instruction), so why am I named second on all paperwork? It doesn't make a difference on a practical level as we're joined tenants anyway, but somehow it really pisses me off, that he's "buyer1" and I'm "buyer2" on everything. Can't be even based on alphabetical name order so I wonder if it's based on sex?

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 10:14

Crossposted boffin that one did actually upset me (rather than just annoying me. I worked hard for that title Sad and I was never too bothered about it being used before that. Damn well have been ever since though)

CaptainHammer · 30/04/2015 10:16

When we opened our joint account 2 years ago the lady told us they had to put DH first. It wouldn't have crossed my mind who was first on the account but the fact that he HAD to be first still annoys me.

BoffinMum · 30/04/2015 10:19

I have been known to speak in a deeper voice and pretend to be DH on occasion rather than justify my existence. Wink

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 30/04/2015 10:21

I'm named first on the mortgage, the deeds etc because I put my name down first on the paperwork

MerynFuckingTrant · 30/04/2015 10:54

We rent and both signed the tenancy agreement, joint tenants etc yet all correspondence is addressed to DH only. The letting agency do a three monthly inspection and send a letter asking to arrange an appointment. It's always me who arranges it and always me present when they do it.

It's not really a big deal but does make me feel a teeny bit invisible.

AntiHop · 30/04/2015 11:07

Yanbu. I was just thinking yesterday when I was filling out a form online that it irks me that the title mr is always the first one on a drop down list. All these little bits of sexism add up

Lucyloves101 · 30/04/2015 11:08

Yanbu!

SAHD63 · 30/04/2015 11:26

WidowWadman You have the time to post here, have you had the time to challenge your conveyancer? If they are carrying out a sexist practice they will do so until called out enough times. Tell them you will not be recommending their services and why.

AntiHop Are you saying the alphabet is sexist?

TheVermiciousKnid · 30/04/2015 11:31

'Mr' does not come first on forms because it's alphabetically before 'Mrs'. If that were the case 'Miss' would come first (if it's on the list) and 'female' would come before 'male'. The male form always comes first because 'that's just how it is'. I'ts sexist bollocks.

AlwaysAFool · 30/04/2015 11:33

This annoys me too.
Years ago I had overpayed council tax and they were going to pay it back but only to my partner at the time as he was first name on the bills.
I was the only earner and payed all the bills Angry the lazy twat never went to claim it back either.

SevTSnape · 30/04/2015 11:37

Clearly, it is First the Worst, Second the Best. I wouldn't worry, means you're the best Grin

auberginefrog · 30/04/2015 11:44

Very sexist but apparently law in Scotland as we were told by our mortgage broker...

Fuckup · 30/04/2015 12:17

When our landlord was trying to get hold of us re some repair work we were having they rang my mobile number asking to speak to dp Shock he wasn't around so I said I could help seeing as I do live there and pay most the rent and after some umming and erring they reluctantly arranged it with me Angry

Droflove · 30/04/2015 12:31

When we bought our home, actually I bought it and I was the only person on the mortgage and deeds! So actually my dh had nothing to do with the purchase at all! All the documents came addressed to him first and when I needed to give approval for some cross site work thing, I sent the approval only to get a call saying they needed my dh to sign it off too. So that guy got told exactly what to do with his sexist behaviour.....actually no, I politely told him that I both paid for and singularly owned the property so my husbands approval was of no relevance. Couldn't believe it!

HazleNutt · 30/04/2015 15:11

Another similar example. I am a Platinum (so high level) member of big hotel chain's loyalty program. DH is not. I booked a room through the membership website, on Ms Nutt. Paid with credit card belonging to Ms Nutt. Put DH, John Smith, down as additional guest.
We got to the hotel, there's the usual welcome gift that you get as a Platinum member, with message from the manager: "Dear Mr John Smith, thank you for choosing our hotel again.."

Moreisnnogedag · 30/04/2015 17:12

pan yes I did view it as a breach of my confidentiality. My DH thought it hilarious but I was furious. I was further infuriated when post started arriving congratulating dh on his purchase and whether he'd like to partake of service x or y.

pangaea90 · 30/04/2015 17:22

I'd have been furious too more. In fact I'm outraged on your behalf.

springydaffs · 30/04/2015 18:53

RAAAAAH Angry

Original poster
WidowWadman · 30/04/2015 19:11

SAHD63 - yeah, I had the time to post here, but challenging it would mean at least two days delay to receive the fresh paperwork for signature and I really hope to be sorted and moved before going on holiday at the end of May. I will make a comment, but seeing as it doesn't have a legal implication it's the pragmatic solution not to insist on rectification.

OP posts:
blushingbooty · 30/04/2015 21:22

Whi is the higher wage earner? Two of my friend got a house together and it was the higher earner who was put on top of everything.

Pilgit · 30/04/2015 21:43

It's a exist bollocks. New mortgage is based on my salary mostly yet I am still borrower 2. So much casual Sexism. Really gets me cross. But I pick my battles.

spiffysquiffyspiggy · 30/04/2015 21:48

Can recommend first direct as a non sexist bank. I'm first on all our joint bank account and mortgage stuff. (I'm the bigger earner and do all financial stuff so put myself as the main account holder) When we finally got round to getting married we were given cheques made out to Mr and Mrs hisname. I phoned first direct to see if there was a way I could cash them as I wasn't going to change my name. Wonderful lady told me to send the marriage certificate in and they'd keep it on record and accept cheques in both names in the future to save me getting them rewritten by people who couldn't be bothered to remember my name. Grin

yummumto3girls · 30/04/2015 21:59

Drives me bonkers, and they say we are equal. I do all of the paperwork in our house and the amount of times they ask to speak to my husband and not me is rediculous. I even had it the other day when I rang to give them a meter reading!

hobNong · 30/04/2015 22:04

Yanbu. I've just been through the same thing and was buyer 2. Although dp does earn slightly more than me in my case. The worst thing for me was that the estate agents barely registered my existence, to the point that they didn't put my name down on a couple of things (even after I rang up and told them to). The times they did put my name down they used the wrong title (Miss instead of Ms).

The whole thing really pissed me off but we are in now, joint mortgage and I even have my own front door key. Grin

Usernamegone · 30/04/2015 22:33

I recently bought a house and my name was our first on the mortgage application (as I earn the most money). I then instructed a solicitor who sent me a the various bits of paperwork to sign with sign here (his intitials) then sign here (my inititials) So I signed everything in the first box and got my DP to sign the second box and sent it back!