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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not consult SIL on the date of DD's confirmation?

114 replies

castnoshadow · 29/04/2015 17:44

Yesterday spoke to the priest and decided a date for DC's confirmation in London. DH has a religious family who live abroad so the ceremonial stuff is important to them. It's important to me too, but in a different way. There are also various issues with school entry (if DC is going to a religious school, there is a certain date by which the religious stuff needs to be done, so date was dictated a great deal by the priest.)

We sent out the date to family and friends. Cue shit storm from SIL - She and her kids can't make it because it's a weekday and her kids are in school and not on school holidays, so they cannot travel to the confirmation. Why did we not consult her first? She is upset, hurt, angry, frustrated. Her kids are devastated. They don't get to see their cousin confirmed.

I explained our hands were tied over the date, that it is not a big conspiracy to leave her or them out. That I was sorry they couldn't make it and we'd miss them, but we couldn't work the confirmation around her kids' school holidays because we had a time limit.

She said "I have been holding this back, but I'm so angry now it's going to come out. You and DH are so disorganised and messy. You could have done the confirmation ages ago in my children's christmas or easter holidays, but instead, like gypsies, you have gone for a random date that is 'in the nick of time' like everything else you do. I find it selfish and self centred, expecting everyone to jump to your tune when you finally get your act together."

I didn't reply - put down the phone.

Next thing I know, she is furiously texting DH. "I'm so upset. I'm so hurt." Then she's on the phone to MIL. "I am furious at ho disorganised they are..."

WTF is going on? I don't care if she comes or not.

She's obviously got other issues right? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 29/04/2015 17:46

I can see why shes a bit upset because the ceremony stuff is really important to that side of the family, BUT she still sounds batcrap crazy Confused

Eminado · 29/04/2015 17:46

Wow! Is she a Christian?

saoirse31 · 29/04/2015 17:47

Why can't her kids take day off school of its that important. yanbu

Sirzy · 29/04/2015 17:47

Sounds like you will be better off without them there!

Surely you don't really get a choice of confirmation dates anyway? When I was confirmed it was the one day for the year

Aermingers · 29/04/2015 17:48

Wha? Being confirmed isn't that big a deal. It's normally fairly low key.

squoosh · 29/04/2015 17:48

Tell her to fuck right off. Honestly.

If anyone came out with that kind of rant to me they would have several strips torn off them. Slowly and very bloody painfully.

WipsGlitter · 29/04/2015 17:49

Blimey. It's all about her isn't it!!

If I couldn't make a communion / confirmation I'd be a bit upset but Not that much!!

WhoNickedMyName · 29/04/2015 17:50

I can see both sides here tbh, especially if, as you say, the 'ceremonial stuff' is so important to DH's family.

But hey, you don't care if she comes, so no skin off your nose, right?

BarbarianMum · 29/04/2015 17:51

Well, if you knew that the ceremonial stuff is important to your dh's family, it is a bit of a slap in the face, isn't it? And - honestly - it's hard not to agree you couldn't have done it a few months earlier, or at a weekend, if having family there/keeping family happy was important to you.

Having said which, she was very rude (and also racist, for good measure Hmm)

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2015 17:52

Fucking hell.

When I got confirmed the only people who attended were the parents, and all the other kids in my class who got confirmed at the same time.

When did it become a big deal?

squoosh · 29/04/2015 17:52

I have been holding this back, but I'm so angry now it's going to come out. You and DH are so disorganised and messy. You could have done the confirmation ages ago in my children's christmas or easter holidays, but instead, like gypsies, you have gone for a random date that is 'in the nick of time' like everything else you do.

That is not an acceptable thing for a SIL to say.

ApocalypseThen · 29/04/2015 17:55

So if all of this matters so much to your husband's family, why didn't he sort it out in line with their expectations? You appear to have done what was expected by yours...

BigRedBall · 29/04/2015 17:55

Have you ever done something like this before? It sounds like it's not the first time you've organised a family event that's landed on the wrong day Grin

WipsGlitter · 29/04/2015 17:55

Is there a huge backstory here though??

hedgehogsdontbite · 29/04/2015 17:56

In my experience confirmations take place on a fixed date set by the church. It's not like a baptism where you can usually choose a date. In our church it's once a year, that date or wait until next year. She's being unreasonable.

squoosh · 29/04/2015 17:58

I've never known extended family to attend confirmations. It's usually just parents and siblings.

Bue · 29/04/2015 18:01

Coming from abroad to attend a confirmation? Confused

OnlyLovers · 29/04/2015 18:01

She's a cunt. 'like gypsies'? Hmm What the actual?

Evabeaversprotege · 29/04/2015 18:01

Sounds like she's been waiting a while to clear her guts to you!

Does your dd not be confirmed with other children in her class?

It's not that big a deal (we have a large catholic connection) and there wouldn't be enough room in the chapel pews for whole families.

squoosh · 29/04/2015 18:03

Yep sounds like she's been itching to vent her miserable spleen.

Fairenuff · 29/04/2015 18:06

There's got to be more to this story.

TiggerLillies · 29/04/2015 18:06

Yanbu. My confirmation date was decided between my church and the Bishops office, and only one every few years - when there was enough candidates. Is it different for other churches?

iwanttogotothechaletschool · 29/04/2015 18:07

What is your dh saying about it? I agree with the pp who said he should have arranged it if it so important to his family.

PtolemysNeedle · 29/04/2015 18:09

I can understand why she's upset and disappointed that she won't be able to be at her niece or nephews conformation when this is something that she's been brought up to believe is important, especially if her children were looking forward to it being a big family event as well.

But she has handled it completely the wrong way and she is out of order. Showing her disappointment would be fine, an angry offensive rant is not. And either way, she should be taking it out in her brother, not you. He should have got a decent date sorted if he knew it was going to be important to his family.

SoldierBear · 29/04/2015 18:17

Surely it is up to the individual priest/minister as to the date? I've never heard of a confirmation being scheduled to suit a relatives holidays.
As SIL is clearly concerned only withe social aspect she's not exactly got a leg to stand on. It is nothing to do with her what arrangements you and your priest make for your DCs religious life.
Does SIL generally like to have everything organised around her?