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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not consult SIL on the date of DD's confirmation?

114 replies

castnoshadow · 29/04/2015 17:44

Yesterday spoke to the priest and decided a date for DC's confirmation in London. DH has a religious family who live abroad so the ceremonial stuff is important to them. It's important to me too, but in a different way. There are also various issues with school entry (if DC is going to a religious school, there is a certain date by which the religious stuff needs to be done, so date was dictated a great deal by the priest.)

We sent out the date to family and friends. Cue shit storm from SIL - She and her kids can't make it because it's a weekday and her kids are in school and not on school holidays, so they cannot travel to the confirmation. Why did we not consult her first? She is upset, hurt, angry, frustrated. Her kids are devastated. They don't get to see their cousin confirmed.

I explained our hands were tied over the date, that it is not a big conspiracy to leave her or them out. That I was sorry they couldn't make it and we'd miss them, but we couldn't work the confirmation around her kids' school holidays because we had a time limit.

She said "I have been holding this back, but I'm so angry now it's going to come out. You and DH are so disorganised and messy. You could have done the confirmation ages ago in my children's christmas or easter holidays, but instead, like gypsies, you have gone for a random date that is 'in the nick of time' like everything else you do. I find it selfish and self centred, expecting everyone to jump to your tune when you finally get your act together."

I didn't reply - put down the phone.

Next thing I know, she is furiously texting DH. "I'm so upset. I'm so hurt." Then she's on the phone to MIL. "I am furious at ho disorganised they are..."

WTF is going on? I don't care if she comes or not.

She's obviously got other issues right? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Katiepoes · 30/04/2015 13:48

Ex (Irish) Catholic here - I am from a huge family and none of us has ever gone to the confirmation of cousins. In fact when I made mine there was only room for parents, even my brothers were not there. What kind of peculiar child wants to sit through that tedious ceremony?

She is mad, ignore her.

Fizrim · 30/04/2015 13:53

As I said, I think it is more of a baptism - it would be helpful if the OP returned and gave a bit more detail, but I still think that she needs to get it done before the child starts (or applies for) school. The fact that they have invited friends and family implies they are expecting them to turn up and if they are abroad, they need a bit of notice!

As someone else said upthread, if it was a confirmation there would be classes beforehand and no choice of date - the fact that there was any choice of date also makes me think that it could have been organised at an earlier stage which would have been helpful to overseas relatives.

Obviously we don't know how the SIL children really feel, but even if they didn't want to go to the ceremony I can certainly see them being upset at missing out on a family get-together.

I'd be interested to know if the MIL said anything after SIL contacted her!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/04/2015 14:00

It's irrelevant what religion the OP is and unfair to quiz her on it.

OP - you need to learn to tune her out just as well as your DH does.

Send her a text to tell her that you have already explained you have to work with the dates offered by the priest, that she is being totally unreasonable and abusive and that you are blocking her number NOW. Then actually do it !

I doubt her kids will be remotely disappointed unless there's a huge party afterwards that they will miss too.

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 14:01

I assumed at first you are Irish Catholic, in which case she is being ridic, because a)they're usually done in big batches, and you're just given a date and b)why on earth would you want to go to it, although a family party afterwards is usual. Also the gypsy comment would be typical in Ireland.

But on reflection, she's being too mad even to be Irish, so maybe the Greek Orthodox theory works, in which case I don't know how mad she is being.

But seriously, her children are devastated at not being there? Are they Ned Flanders' children?

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 14:03

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams It's relevant in the sense that Catholic confirmations are done in big groups because they have to be done by a senior member of the clergy like a bishop or monsignor, so you don't get a choice and the SIL is being crazy to get in a snit.

If it's another religion and you DO have a choice for when you time it, like a baptism, then I can see why the SIL might be upset, although not THAT upset.

BartholomewCrouch · 30/04/2015 14:04

I guess she feels she is being prevented from attending a big family gathering that she feels she would like to at, and she feels she should be at.

If you'd arranged this earlier could you have had a weekend date? If so I can why she's annoyed, but her rant is OTT.

You've said you don't care if she comes. She obviously knows that.

It's important to her, it's not important to you. You admit that. The message is obvious. That is probably hurtful.

Not much she can do though except petulanly display her hurt.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 14:06

the only people that I have heard being vile about 'gypsies' are Polish. Just saying.

BartholomewCrouch · 30/04/2015 14:08

Really? What a sheltered life you lead.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 14:09

not really it just depends on who you choose to hang around with. The Polish outlaws I did not choose. lol.

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 14:10

SunnyBaudelaire Ever been to Ireland? Referred to as tinkers more so than gypsies, although that might be regional. Calling someone a gypsy in Ireland means that they are slovenly, untidy etc.

TheMagnificientFour · 30/04/2015 14:10

The issue there is that you have a lifestyle that is completely different from the one of your SIL.
She is clearly judging you on that and thinking that it THE wrong way to do things (and she is doing things the RIGHT way). Surely that's not on and she should be learning to accept that you do things differently.

On the other side, you are in effect imposing YOUR way of doing things to her (and the rest of the family) and are not taking into account the fact they the have little time to get organised etc... which a lot of people will find stressful for example.

In effect, you BOTH need to grow up and learn to take others into account.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 14:13

" SunnyBaudelaire Ever been to Ireland? "
why yes I have been many times. but only to Dublin.

squoosh · 30/04/2015 14:17

Also the gypsy comment would be typical in Ireland.

Ever been to Ireland? Referred to as tinkers more so than gypsies, although that might be regional. Calling someone a gypsy in Ireland means that they are slovenly, untidy etc.

I resent you saying it would be a typical comment to make in Ireland. I can honestly say I have never heard the word 'gypsy' used in Ireland to mean a slovenly or untidy person.

BartholomewCrouch · 30/04/2015 14:18

Well if you choose to send time on MN Sunny you'll come across it soon enough. And I'm sure not all on those threads are Polish.

And what with being half Polish I generally choose not to hang around with people who make sweeping derogatory remarks about Poles.

C0rde1ia · 30/04/2015 14:22

travelling aboard for a confirmation!? that's bizarre. and you have to go along with the dates the school/church provide.

leedy · 30/04/2015 14:22

"I resent you saying it would be a typical comment to make in Ireland. I can honestly say I have never heard the word 'gypsy' used in Ireland to mean a slovenly or untidy person."

Yes, I'm Irish and haven't heard it being used that way either.

C0rde1ia · 30/04/2015 14:23

I agree squoosh. That is not ''typical'' in Ireland. I'm irish. I've been to about three confirmations in my whole life. One was my own.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 14:24

lol really is that so bartholomew that's is quite funny.

BartholomewCrouch · 30/04/2015 14:28

Hmm Which bit is funny?

Nasty MN threads about gypsies?
Or sweeping derogatory remarks about Poles?

C0rde1ia · 30/04/2015 14:28

the older generation 70+ might say it, although not to boast here, but I could count on my own parents not to say it. They'd say traveller, if it came up in conversation.

C0rde1ia · 30/04/2015 14:29

on mn, if you're not anglo-saxon, you just crawled out of the soup!

Wine
LowryFan · 30/04/2015 14:35

Your SIL sounds awful.

FWIW the Irish side of my family has never gone to each other's confirmations. Mind you nor has the Polish side, and none of us call anyone gypsies. [Runs off to also check with the Welsh and South African lot.]

NotYouNaanBread · 30/04/2015 14:41

I'm Irish (as in, born & reared) - "you look like a gypsy" was quite a common (not unfriendly) criticism when I was a child, or "they live like gypsies". Granted, I haven't heard it in years, and even then it was only the older generation. My family comes from Dublin & Louth, if that helps, regionally.

squoosh · 30/04/2015 14:44

I'm Irish as in born and reared too.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 30/04/2015 14:45

Would be surprised if OP were Irish Catholic simply because she said revealing the religion might out her. There are far too many of us in Britain for that to be a possible identifier. Aren't there like a million people of Irish descent in London alone?