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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not consult SIL on the date of DD's confirmation?

114 replies

castnoshadow · 29/04/2015 17:44

Yesterday spoke to the priest and decided a date for DC's confirmation in London. DH has a religious family who live abroad so the ceremonial stuff is important to them. It's important to me too, but in a different way. There are also various issues with school entry (if DC is going to a religious school, there is a certain date by which the religious stuff needs to be done, so date was dictated a great deal by the priest.)

We sent out the date to family and friends. Cue shit storm from SIL - She and her kids can't make it because it's a weekday and her kids are in school and not on school holidays, so they cannot travel to the confirmation. Why did we not consult her first? She is upset, hurt, angry, frustrated. Her kids are devastated. They don't get to see their cousin confirmed.

I explained our hands were tied over the date, that it is not a big conspiracy to leave her or them out. That I was sorry they couldn't make it and we'd miss them, but we couldn't work the confirmation around her kids' school holidays because we had a time limit.

She said "I have been holding this back, but I'm so angry now it's going to come out. You and DH are so disorganised and messy. You could have done the confirmation ages ago in my children's christmas or easter holidays, but instead, like gypsies, you have gone for a random date that is 'in the nick of time' like everything else you do. I find it selfish and self centred, expecting everyone to jump to your tune when you finally get your act together."

I didn't reply - put down the phone.

Next thing I know, she is furiously texting DH. "I'm so upset. I'm so hurt." Then she's on the phone to MIL. "I am furious at ho disorganised they are..."

WTF is going on? I don't care if she comes or not.

She's obviously got other issues right? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
SistersofPercy · 29/04/2015 19:46

Certainly the older Catholic generation preferred a child baptised before they were a month old.
My Mum kind of pushed me into that with DS. With DD I ignored her Grin

SoldierBear · 29/04/2015 19:55

Sisters - my ex's family were all baptised before they were a week old, so four weeks seems positively lenient. Youngest nephew still in his 20s, so not that long ago - and this was totally the norm where they lived. The Parish magazine always had articles about how you had to tell the Priest your due date so the baby could be scheduled into the appropriate Baptism service.
This was an area with very high attendance at Mass - they had at least 2 services on a Saturday evening that were jam-packed and another two or three on Sunday. Fastest Mass I've ever been too - the priest spoke like he was commenting on the Grand National. All done and dusted in under 45 minutes and there must have been about 300 taking Mass, so pretty good going.
(my DM chose my baptism date to coincide with when I fitted into the christening robe)

ethelb · 29/04/2015 20:02

You can't say which religion or it will out you? Are you a member of a cult?

Unexpected · 29/04/2015 20:08

Or a religion with only 100 followers in the whole country?

ButterflyUpSoHigh · 29/04/2015 20:11

Here they are done age 10/11 with the school. Date is decided a year in advance.

It does sound like she is upset at being left out but let her anger out.

UncertainTea · 29/04/2015 20:18

Set up an tablet at the front of the ceremony and Skype it to her you can always shut it down if she starts to get annoying...

Evabeaversprotege · 29/04/2015 20:59

How would saying religion out you?

I'm Irish Catholic, confirmation is here next wk. Two parishes will merge & the Bish will come & drink tay do his duties!

Mind numbingly boring for all involved!!

Lymmmummy · 29/04/2015 22:34

She sounds ridiculous - don't respond just go ahead as planned - this type of person thrives on the attention - I also thought confirmation dates are often set by the church and not an open choice for parents - agree sounds like some back story here - perhaps you seeing the confirmation as a means to an end and her seeing it as a key moment religiously (or to showboat herself)

We got married overseas (long story) and had v small family get together afterwards for both families we sent MIL & SIL dates we could do for this which amounted to 5 out of the 10 weekends over a 2-3 month period - SIL who is incredibly self important (very much indulged by MIL) texted back to say oh we can't do any of those w/e's we can only do x w/e - which was not one of those put forward - and I honestly think she expected we would change all our plans for everyone else on account of what suited her best despite it being our bloody celebration - we just said no the w/e s put forward are the only ones we have pls pick one or if you can't make any that's fine we will just go ahead with whatever suits most people - who the hell do these type of people think they are - although very difficult at the time for DH very glad we did it as it marked the start of an acceptance that from our point of view our world no longer revolved around what suited SIL and tbh this was very long overdue so perhaps this incident may be a blessing for you

landrover · 29/04/2015 22:39

Blimey, can't think of anything that would persuade me to go to anybody's confirmation!

Bunbaker · 29/04/2015 22:46

All the confirmations round here are done on a Sunday or in the evening.

I'm curious to know what religion you are.

Jackw · 29/04/2015 22:52

YANBU. It's not your SIL's place to dictate or judge how you live your life and incredibly rude of her to come out with that tirade over the phone. Putting down the phone on her was exactly the right response, much more dignified and restrained than having a go back. Think of the things that you could have said about her lifestyle choices and personality but didn't. There isn't only one right way to be.

Now you need to remain calm, dignified and remote in the face of all provocation. Your husband can deal with all the fall out from all of his family. I would refuse to discuss anything with his wider family and remain ice cool with her until she apologises. Don't let them all bully you. You have the right to live your life, make your own choices and bring up your children in your own way.

browneyedgirl86 · 29/04/2015 23:01

I'm also curious what religion you are?

But anyhow. Yanbu. The confirmation isn't about your SIL so her rant was totally unnecessary and I would be taking a big step back from her. She's being ridiculous. Why should you plan an event to match her child's school holidays?

DisappointedOne · 30/04/2015 10:08

Guessing Greek Orthodox. Just a hunch.

Fizrim · 30/04/2015 11:11

I think DisappointedOne has hit the nail on the head, and the ceremony being referred to is a christening/baptism/admission to the church (children may not have started school) which is why there is an option of dates.

I can see why the family would want to be present at that kind of ceremony tbh. SIL could have been more tactful in expressing her disappointment but if you have previous form for leaving things until the last minute she may have been expecting this and been stewing over it for a while.

squoosh · 30/04/2015 11:23

SIL sounds over emotional and over involved and needs to step back.

No excuse for such a rant.

BabyTuckoo · 30/04/2015 11:23

She's being ridiculous. Why on earth would you consider her children's school holidays in order to choose a date for your child's religious ceremony? Even allowing for cultural differences, it's a religious ceremony, not a bloody spectator sport.

And I cannot believe there is a child of any religion in the entire world who is 'devastated' not to have attended the religious ceremony of a cousin. Unless there's a massive knees-up with cakes and treats and party stuff attached to it, which I suppose there might be, but they'll need to deal with it.) If it's that insanely crucial to the (rude, racist) SIL, she can take her children out of school for it. If the OP is prepared to have anything further to do with it. Personally, I wouldn't.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 30/04/2015 11:35

Clearly she is BU with the gypsy comments, which are racist. However, if this really is so important to DHs side of the family, why has he not done a better job of organising things? If he didn't want your DC to participate in the religious traditions fair enough, but he evidently does. With that in mind, perhaps he shouldn't be half arsing it.

I must admit I found the idea of SILs kids being devastated quite odd, but since we don't know the religion, culture or nationality of those involved I don't think we can entirely dismiss the possibility that she's telling the truth. I'd also want to be sure my child wouldn't feel hard done to if the norm is an occasion the whole family attends. Equally though there does seem to be more than a whiff of batshit about this. And backstory.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 11:42

is she Polish?
anyway whatever her nationality, she sounds vile.

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 30/04/2015 11:57

OP, if I were you I would leave it all to DH. I wouldn't give it any headspace and I wouldn't discuss it with anyone. If anyone asks shrug your shoulders and tell them to speak to your DH. It's his sister.

HermioneWeasley · 30/04/2015 12:01

Is she Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?

gabsdot45 · 30/04/2015 12:26

What she said was very rude there is no excuse for that.

However I had a BIL and SIL who lived a lifestyle that drove me demented when I thought about it. Very disorganised and scatty, leaving chaos in their wake and everyone else to pick up the pieces.

It was very annoying to an organised person like me to see. After a few years of it I just had to ignore it. I would have never said anything to them though much as I would have liked to.

It sounds like your SIL isn't as restrained as I am.

BlueberriesAndWine · 30/04/2015 12:27

I still don't understand what this has to do with gypsies Confused

Loiterer · 30/04/2015 12:36

I have had similar dealings with my SIL in the past. For us, it was regarding our wedding, bridesmaids and when we were going to tell them they were being bridesmaids Confused

OP yanbu. You be disorganised, oh however you want to lead your life.

balletnotlacrosse · 30/04/2015 12:47

She is being ridiculous. I love my nephew but when my SIL announced last year that as his Confirmation was on a weekday she was only really expecting grandparents to attend as everyone else would be at work/school I just thought 'great. how sensible.'

balletnotlacrosse · 30/04/2015 12:51

By the way, I'm an Irish Catholic and while my religion is important to me I find attending Communions and Confirmations quite dull. I cannot imagine any child being upset to not be able to attend a cousin's Confirmation.