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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not consult SIL on the date of DD's confirmation?

114 replies

castnoshadow · 29/04/2015 17:44

Yesterday spoke to the priest and decided a date for DC's confirmation in London. DH has a religious family who live abroad so the ceremonial stuff is important to them. It's important to me too, but in a different way. There are also various issues with school entry (if DC is going to a religious school, there is a certain date by which the religious stuff needs to be done, so date was dictated a great deal by the priest.)

We sent out the date to family and friends. Cue shit storm from SIL - She and her kids can't make it because it's a weekday and her kids are in school and not on school holidays, so they cannot travel to the confirmation. Why did we not consult her first? She is upset, hurt, angry, frustrated. Her kids are devastated. They don't get to see their cousin confirmed.

I explained our hands were tied over the date, that it is not a big conspiracy to leave her or them out. That I was sorry they couldn't make it and we'd miss them, but we couldn't work the confirmation around her kids' school holidays because we had a time limit.

She said "I have been holding this back, but I'm so angry now it's going to come out. You and DH are so disorganised and messy. You could have done the confirmation ages ago in my children's christmas or easter holidays, but instead, like gypsies, you have gone for a random date that is 'in the nick of time' like everything else you do. I find it selfish and self centred, expecting everyone to jump to your tune when you finally get your act together."

I didn't reply - put down the phone.

Next thing I know, she is furiously texting DH. "I'm so upset. I'm so hurt." Then she's on the phone to MIL. "I am furious at ho disorganised they are..."

WTF is going on? I don't care if she comes or not.

She's obviously got other issues right? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

BoyScout · 29/04/2015 18:19

You and DH are so disorganised and messy. You could have done the confirmation ages ago in my children's christmas or easter holidays, but instead, like gypsies, you have gone for a random date that is 'in the nick of time' like everything else you do

Is this true? Be honest.

If it is and you've done stuff like this before, I have done sympathy with her.

JanineStHubbins · 29/04/2015 18:20

'like gypsies'

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2015 18:22

For the comment about gypsies SIBU. However, are you a bit shit and disorganised? I know I am so it would be a fair cop.

openthecurtains · 29/04/2015 18:23

Surely the bishop comes to do confirmations and only does one date per year per parish maximum? I know plenty of parishes that get grouped together for confirmations.

Unexpected · 29/04/2015 18:25

What religion is this? In most religions, you don't get to choose the date of your confirmation. There is a programme of preparation which all the confirmands follow and the date is chosen by the parish or clergy. Would DHs family normally expect to schlep all the way here for one fairly low-key religious ceremony? Do they attend everything of note in your family?

CaptainHolt · 29/04/2015 18:26

Our parish only does it about every 3 years. I've never heard of an individual confirmation, or on a weekday. Does the Bish not do them?

If you can have any date you want then I do kind of think you should have done it when people can come if you knew they would want to.

Nolim · 29/04/2015 18:26

never heard of a confirmationzilla before. It is not even her dc confirmation.

Whyjustwhy · 29/04/2015 18:30

Is it confirmation? Or being welcomed into the church? As others have said confirmation is usually done by the Bishop, so the date is set (usually) several months in advance to suit his calendar. In the Catholic Church, it's done at around age 13/14 so school allocations are well over.
Different if you're looking to be welcomed into the church & want this done before completing your school preferences form,

Original poster

castnoshadow · 29/04/2015 18:35

Giving the religion would out me, but there were a couple of options of days. None of which fell in school holidays.

Yes we are quite disorganised. I can own up to that. We do a lot of things last minute, but that usually means WE are the ones who lose out because we usually throw money at the problem and fit round her plans.

This is the first time we have not done things the way she would like them and obviously it's hit a nerve for her.

SIL is not concerned with the religious aspect of it, even though she would like it to appear like that. She is concerned with not being or seeming important within the family. She is very competitive.

She has always referred to DH and I as gypsies. She comes to our house and sneers at the dishwashing on the side or the clothes on the floor of our bedroom. She also doesn't like that we go to bed at 1am and get up at 11am.

The only backstory is that she is a control freak, and before we had DC we just went along with whatever she wanted because she was the one with children and she used them to trump everything anyone else wanted "no the kids don't want to do/eat/drink that/go there so none of us can do/eat/drink that/go there." Now we have DC, we have to prioritise some things and she can't take it.

I am not interested in getting the rest of the family to comply with my DC's schedule, so I don't know why I should comply with hers.

OP posts:

Teapot13 · 29/04/2015 18:42

Even if you are disorganised, that's your business. It has nothing to do with her.

prepperpig · 29/04/2015 18:43

Presumably its a cultural thing? We have been invited to a confirmation party in a couple of months' time. We are not religious and the family involved know this. They have invited hundreds of people and have hired a hotel etc.

Going to bed at 1am and getting up at 11am is certainly unusual. How do you get your DCs to school or do you homeschool? (fully aware that isn't the point of the thread but curious nonetheless)

karinmaria · 29/04/2015 18:48

It sounds as though she just doesn't understand/like your way of life's and she is taking this opportunity to rant about it (and be a cow).

YANBU to do the confirmation at your family's convenience, but it might be worth making a bit more effort in future. Although that effort should come more from your DH seeing as it's his family that is bothered.

What has your DH said about her behaviour towards you?

karinmaria · 29/04/2015 18:49

Argh typos - life not life's!

Original poster

castnoshadow · 29/04/2015 18:52

DH says just ignore her. He blocks her out. I can't help absorbing what she says

prepperpig we just stay up late watching TV or working. We still get up early for DC, then go back to bed. We both work for ourselves. We're hippies...

OP posts:

Heels99 · 29/04/2015 18:52

It's surely unusual to have it in a school day!
The whole thing does have a gypsy wedding tinge to it!

Heels99 · 29/04/2015 18:54

Aha perhaps that is it, she has ordered herself a flashing Palm tree gypsy wedding dress to wear to the confirmation costing several thousand. Now she is livid she will miss the event.

OnlyLovers · 29/04/2015 18:55

Heels, that's really rude, the gypsy wedding thing.

OP, she's a twunt. 'sneers at the dishwashing on the side or the clothes on the floor of our bedroom. She also doesn't like that we go to bed at 1am and get up at 11am'. That's none of her business.

I wouldn't invite her to anything again or have much to do with her, TBH.

OnlyLovers · 29/04/2015 18:55

Sorry Heels, x-post. That second one made me .

Heels99 · 29/04/2015 18:56

Tell us mor about the going to bed at 1am getting up at 11am that you do, this is very unusual

OnlyLovers · 29/04/2015 18:56

She has!

scarletforya · 29/04/2015 19:05

Her kids are devastated. They don't get to see their cousin confirmed

That's an out and out LIE. Confirmations and Communion masses are brain numbingly boring. No child on Earth would voluntarily go to one, unless it was their own. Even then only because they get new clothes and money.

She's a ridiculous buffoon. Cousins don't even go to confirmations anyway. WTF is she on about?

Laugh in her face.

sparkysparkysparky · 29/04/2015 19:06

If she is a god parent then maybe she'd have some grounds for expecting better liaison. Otherwise, you ain't her. Your lot are a bit disorganised. She needs to get over that. She's obviously got pent up stuff and expected a different relationship with her brother and his family. She needs to get over it and not be so rude.

Bilberry · 29/04/2015 19:14

I don't understand what this confirmation is? Surely if it is about confirming beliefs/baptismal vows then that should be done at an age where they can understand this - normally early teens at the earliest?

YABU to arrange something which should be coming from your children, and schools ABU to expect children to commit to something they are too young to understand.

YANBU to not consult your SIL about it as it should be a matter of personal faith (of your children)

Momagain1 · 29/04/2015 19:25

Scarlett said my bit: the cousins do not give a fig about their younger cousins confirmation. The only reason they would have any interest at all is if they are teens and you live in a more interesting place than they do so they look forward to that aspect.

Sounds like dh is somewhat NC with her already. Follow his lead. In future, leave all contact with his family up to him, even the supervision of thank you notes from dc to grandparents etc. if he can't be bothered, why should you?

messalina · 29/04/2015 19:44

She was very rude to say those things to you but I have some sympathy for her. It is really annoying when family organise events at the last minute like this.

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