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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think people can't believe some people have no-one?

77 replies

Prole · 28/04/2015 18:53

Just had to turn down an operation as I wouldn't be able to look after myself during the recovery period. They were incredulous. I see other people in the same boat in the world - doesn't anyone else?

OP posts:
mountainofdreams · 28/04/2015 18:55

I don't know anyone in that situation but would you not be eligible for community care or anything at all? Sad

fairgame · 28/04/2015 18:57

YANBU. Everybody seems to assume that everyone has a bank of family and friends that can be relied upon but in reality some people really don't. People don't seem to accept this.

AmIthatHot · 28/04/2015 19:00

I think there will be many

I had to reschedule an OP as not only had I no one to take me home, I had noone to look after DD.

My parents are elderly and can't always manage.

Friends work and have their own families to look after

I think, unless you are in that position, people don't understand the difficulties

I hope you manage to sort something OP Hmm

CatsCantTwerk · 28/04/2015 19:00

That is awful op Sad Would you not be able to get any help from community nurse (or whatever they are called)?

Whereabouts are You?

PeachyPants · 28/04/2015 19:02

If you need looking after in the recovery period from an operation and you don't have anyone to care for you then you shouldn't be discharged from hospital. Obviously I don't know what operation you need but it would be a terrible shame not to go ahead for this reason. I do believe that some people have no one but I also think if you don't have family who you can rely on then it's vital to build up a good network of friends, no man's an island and all that.

UniS · 28/04/2015 19:02

Care staff can be booked via an agency.... A colleague of mine booked twice a day care visits for the first weeks after he had major shoulder surgury. He lives alone and has no one he could ask to help him dress or wash. The male carer who came in was just the ticket. Velcro shoes and button shirts were also useful.

BeanCalledPickle · 28/04/2015 19:04

Absolutely. And at all ages as well. I lived alone in my twenties and had no one to rely on when I had an operation. I knew a lot of people but had no one I could ask to pick me up from hospital and no family anywhere nearby.

FenellaFellorick · 28/04/2015 19:04

Yes, I think the only time people readily accept that a person genuinely has nobody is if that person is elderly.

If an operation is vital and someone genuinely has nobody then surely they would have to stay in hospital until recovered? Sometimes not having surgery is not an option.

Can you find out from the gp or from what's that nhs thing ? pals? what the procedure is? There must surely be one.

FromMeToYou · 28/04/2015 19:06

I would have thought the hospital should cater for these situations, either by keeping you in for longer, or social services can send temporary carers to clean and cook, maybe?

expatinscotland · 28/04/2015 19:06

YANBU.

ShouldIworryornothelp · 28/04/2015 19:07

Social services should be looking after you. If you're having day surgery then ring them from the ward, if you're an in patient ask the ward sister to send the duty worker up to see you

Original poster
Prole · 28/04/2015 19:10

I wasn't aware of community care nor did the hospital mention it. I'll have to look into it. Had an injury and op previously which took out one arm for several months but I managed pretty well bar washing-up and changing the bed which I never quite mastered! Point is - I'm quite up for toughing it out but this is a hip op which will really remove the ability to shop and cook. If I'm honest I hate the idea of needing someone to help. I'm only 48 - a bit young to enter the meals-on-wheels world. Pride needs to be swallowed, I know.

OP posts:
Woozlebear · 28/04/2015 19:11

Hmm Op. You're not being unreasonable at all though. People do just assume, and it's not the case a lot of the time. My parents are utterly utterly useless and I wouldn't rely on them to feed a goldfish let alone anything else. No other family. No real friends. Only dh- luckily. His parents are abroad, and again, no other family. Other people's support networks make me Hmm

Awful if you haven't been offered some kind of support by local authority!!!

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 28/04/2015 19:11

You can book care staff, day and night from agency ( your local adult social services should have a list of companies).

The community nurse teams tend to care for housebound patients unable to access nursing services at GP surgeries. If patients required have increased nursing need then they tend to be cared for in a residential setting.

From your description op what you need is supervision I.e. Someone with you rather than actual nursing care which could easily be managed by an agency.

FrankTurnersGuitar · 28/04/2015 19:12

Would it be an option to stay in hospital for a while depending in the operation and recovery time. Other than that could the district nurse or carers come out to you? A friendly neighbour? If you were my neighbour I would gladly help.
I have no next of kin and three dependant young people with ASD, we have a care team for them and I rely on the goodwill of friends for me.

YaTalkinToMe · 28/04/2015 19:12

Sorry about your op Flowers, I know they do not really help.

I have known 2 people that have no one at all, as I knew them through my work I had to keep my boundaries in place but it was very hard at times to know I knew about situations and could help but was unable to Sad (obviously I did all I was able within my capacity, but as a human could do more).

fairgame · 28/04/2015 19:12

Social services don't help. I was discharged home from having surgery and straight back into looking after a violent autistic child. I asked for help from social services and they said no and that i would have to find somebody myself. I had stitches behind my ear and ds was pulling on my ear. I couldn't stay extra in hospital because i could only get care for him from a friend for 1 night and plus they needed the bed. This was 4 years ago, i doubt things have got any better.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 28/04/2015 19:13

Look at it as a means to an end op, our caseload covers anyone over 18 ( however it is health rather than social support)

ShouldIworryornothelp · 28/04/2015 19:15

It really depends on your area. My friend had a rehab service after she broke her leg. They came in for a couple of weeks to help with getting washed and making a meal then as she got more independent they slowly withdrew. Might be worth asking if you can access similar?

Original poster
Prole · 28/04/2015 19:15

It seems I do have options so thanks to all above. Bit surprised none of this got a mention at the hospital. Googling leads me to think I need to get on to the council.

OP posts:
Original poster
Prole · 28/04/2015 19:16

I'd rather not stay as an in-patient if poss. But only because I'm a filthy smoker!

OP posts:
Original poster
Prole · 28/04/2015 19:18

I'll add that after the last op, there was no conversation about post-op care. It was just assumed which is kind of my point.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/04/2015 19:19

it will likely have to be paid private care. Hospital recently discharged my 87 year old mum who lives 7 hours drive away and Brother who lives near was on holiday. they said SS would provide 3 carers a day... SS came out on her release and said No sorry no care from us it will have to be privately arranged , 3 days later mum had a fall and is back in hospital Sad

ShouldIworryornothelp · 28/04/2015 19:19

You do need to be proactive. A lot of people aren't and as budgets are stretched they won't think to ask you if you need help. Seek it out.

AndHarry · 28/04/2015 19:19

Would online shopping help? Filling your freezer with easy batch-cooked meals that you could just stick in the oven?

People are often surprisingly kind and helpful. I would happily help a neighbour or colleague in this situation.

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