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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think people can't believe some people have no-one?

77 replies

Prole · 28/04/2015 18:53

Just had to turn down an operation as I wouldn't be able to look after myself during the recovery period. They were incredulous. I see other people in the same boat in the world - doesn't anyone else?

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 29/04/2015 04:57

I think we should have a mumsnetters in need section. Prole - I am in London. I would happily get you your groceries and /or bring you home from hospital.

Moreisnnogedag · 29/04/2015 05:07

Could I ask what operation you're having? It's unisual to be sent home without a minimum level of mobility. In most cases patients have to be able to get to the loo unaided before discharge considered. Are you sure you'll be as incapacitated as you think?

ThisFenceIsComfy · 29/04/2015 07:24

Me and my DP travel in and out of London, more than happy to drop round any stuff you need.

CocoaBeans · 29/04/2015 07:41

People rarely seem to understand that it is really the case because it's so far outside their own experiences.

IrenetheQuaint · 29/04/2015 07:52

Actually I'm not quite sure who I'd call in this situation... I have friends but no one very local I could ask for this sort of thing.

OP - I work in Zone 1, like I'm sure thousands of other Miners. Would be very happy to do a grocery shop for you and cook you a meal.

VeryAgedParent · 29/04/2015 08:14

Have you thought of asking your local parish church/vicar. There are usually some kind people, attached to the church, who will visit and help out even if you are not a churchgoer, they just want to help those in "need" (which you are) I know my local church offers this sort of service to the local community.

BringMeTea · 29/04/2015 08:16

I really hope you can get something worked out OP. Up until getting married last year I would have been in a similar situation as I am overseas. I know I am my friend's emergency contact here and she and I have been the 'there when you come round from a GA' person.

It must be quite common. Certainly not highly unusual anyway. A mn local network of support is a great idea.

I was haunted by that documentary about Joyce. So poignant. Lots of luck with the op OP. Flowers

fulltothebrim · 29/04/2015 08:26

I have been in a similar situation.

I lived alone and had surgery. The hospital were aware of this and kept me in until I was able to walk around, vitit the loo etc.

I am sure your hospital would do this too.

If the only reason you want to get out of hospital early is so you can be at home to smoke cigarettes, then I don't imagine SS or community care team would be very supportive of this.

If you want to be out of hospital sooner than is realistic then you will have to pay for your own care at home.

OvertiredandConfused · 29/04/2015 08:42

My local church provides this sort of support - driving people to and from appointments, dropping off meals, doing shopping / putting away online orders etc. Last year I visited someone every Friday for six weeks to change her bed. It wasn't an old lady either!

May not be your thing, but worth considering?

msgrinch · 29/04/2015 08:48

I'm not too far away from you, if I can help in anyway please let me know. I'm more than happy to bring shopping/cook/clean while you recover. Thanks

LotusLight · 29/04/2015 08:48

Do try asking at local charities and churches though because there are actually loads of people out there happy to help others.

The other point for everyone to note is always try if you can to save up money for a rainy day then you can go to one of the many many nanny and nursing agencies and pay someone to do whatever you need post op.

Jelliebabe1 · 29/04/2015 08:55

I do have a husband, but was unable to provide a second emergency number at my booking in appointment with the midwife recently... They WERE a bit gobsmacked "well how about a friend..." "Errr no!"

BarbarianMum · 29/04/2015 09:09

I think there are people who have no-one to turn to but I also think there are many people who are to proud/afraid/fearful of imposing to ask friends and neighbours for help when they need it.

IME lots people are willing to help in a one off (as in one event, not just on one occasion) or emergency situation. I am constantly trading minor favours just to get through day to day and l have stepped up on a few 'big' occasions even for people I didn't know very well. People are more willing to help than you might think but you do need to ask.

Ragwort · 29/04/2015 09:28

I think there are people who have no-one to turn to but I also think there are many people who are to proud/afraid/fearful of imposing to ask friends and neighbours for help when they need it.

^^ I know people who are just not comfortable meeting other people, chatting to neighbours, joining clubs etc etc. It can be hard to understand if you are the naturally gregarious type - I have moved around a lot and find it really easy to meet new people, I also am a church goer and that is an excellent way of meeting people who will genuinely help you.

But I appreciate it is difficult if you are shy ........... but I would always be worried about having no one to help out - we live on a small estate and everyone is always helping each other out - not in a nosey sort of way but just being good neighbours.

Years ago we had a neighbour who shunned everyone, I have no idea how she coped after her DH died, she lived alone for 30 years and when her house went on the market recently you could see nothing had changed since she bought it in the 60s. We never, ever saw anyone visiting. Sad. I think she must have gone out once a week for her shopping and that was it. (years before internet shopping).

funnyossity · 29/04/2015 09:29

I got some help from a local volunteer charity who normally support older people. It was suggested by the local midwife and I called the number because there was a baby involved. I know how hard it would have been to ask for help if I hadn't felt I had that "excuse" of a baby but please make enquiries. You should get the surgery you need.

It's difficult when you don't have support and it's not uncommon.

muminhants · 29/04/2015 09:30

I think it totally depends on the area. My aunt lives in Liverpool and if you have an operation there you are well looked after afterwards.

My mum lives in Devon and has been discharged after an operation with nobody to look after her - I got there a day later, but she had to say she'd lost her house-keys to stay in hospital another day! They didn't care that there was nobody to look after her (this was after major spinal surgery) and she was in her 70s, they needed the bed.

Even the community nurse didn't turn up until I'd phoned and emailed her surgery and asked what the heck did they think they were playing at (after which, two arrived in one day).

My mum has a friend in her 90s who had a stroke and she was discharged home - all the ambulance driver did was check she could get up the stairs to her house and was able to lift the kettle and that was it.

Total postcode lottery. So yes I think you either have to have friends, family or money to pay for private care.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 09:34

I would lie just to get out of there.

LotusLight · 29/04/2015 09:35

When I had our first baby I was home alone the day after which was absolutely fine. The midwife came round and made us go back into hospital (allegedly to watch mild jaundice) but it felt like I was kidnapped. Luckily we were allowed out a day or two later.

sugarman · 29/04/2015 09:43

Hell I would help you in a heartbeat if I could.

I broke my arm and wrist when my children were little and I had no one. To this day I am thankful for the help provided by govt (not in UK) charity and neighbours. And even then I struggled.

miffytherabbit3 · 29/04/2015 10:12

Check out if your area has a District Matron. They are responsible for liasing with all agencies and can get the help put in place for you until you have recovered. We accessed ours via the GP and she was fantastic.

miffytherabbit3 · 29/04/2015 10:32

Actually I think she was called the Community Matron.

Jackieharris · 29/04/2015 10:49

I was like that for a time when dc1 was a toddler.

I was estranged from my parents. No other family. Ex disappeared years before. Worked ft and no childcare outside work so no time for friends. No hobbies. Didn't know neighbours.

Thankfully I never got very ill.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 29/04/2015 10:49

Even with a full hip replacement they expect you up and walking the next day. Talk to them to find out just how affected you will be but I'd be surprised if you couldn't do things like get to the toilet and cook sitting on a stool in the kitchen etc. As pp says batch cook and freeze so you are mainly reheating. There should be community care to check in on you daily at first too.

To answer the op I suspect a lot of people supply someone they barely know as an emergency contact in these situations rather than go through those conversations over and again. I know of a man who used his ex wife still despite not seeing her for 15 years. They called her when he had an emergency and she had no idea he was still doing it but he honestly had no one else. I don't think it's uncommon.

Adarajames · 29/04/2015 20:39

See if you have a local TimeBank too, people help each other out and get help from others when needed: I was paired with a local woman with MS go a while, went in more or less 3-4 times daily for over a year to help out (was unusual as mostly people go in occasionally to see people or only for shorter period of time), and I now have hours 'banked' that I can use with other members to get help with things I need, works well in the main and no money is needed

FrankTurnersGuitar · 29/04/2015 21:48

Have you tried crossroads, they might be able to offer a short term solution.

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