Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with MiL and think she should have cut DD some slack?

109 replies

Songofsixpence · 27/04/2015 11:48

Had the PiLs to stay for the weekend, and MiL spent most of the weekend complaining about DD1's (who is 13) behaviour and picking at everything she did.

The in laws had arranged to get here about 6ish on Friday night. DD has an after school club on a Friday, she's a member of a team and doesn't like letting them down. The club finishes at 4:30 so she's home by about 4:45pm, in plenty of time for the in laws planned arrival at 6ish. Anyway, they'd decided to leave a couple of hours early to beat the traffic so arrived at 4pm. MiL was not impressed that DD wasn't home when they arrived - both FiL and I pointed out that they were 2 hours early

On and off over the weekend MiL was picking at DD - her hair (too long), her clothes (why doesn't she wear a dress - DD hates dresses, always has, but will wear one if she has to), she shouldn't wear make up, her 'attitude' - DD is 13 and just started her periods a few months ago (she got her period again on Thursday) and is struggling a bit with mood swings and hormones (she wasn't rude or anything, but was a bit quiet and tearful a couple of times). DH and FiL both had words with MiL about it several times over the weekend.

Anyway, yesterday we went out for Sunday lunch. Only down to our local pub for their carvery. It's nothing special, a quiet rural pub, all very casual. DD comes downstairs and MiL starts on at her about clothes - why doesn't she wear a pretty dress, etc. DD was wearing skinny jeans, a smartish top and some black pumps (not terribly different to what I was wearing to be honest). Then as we're walking down to the pub she's on a DD for dawdling and being glued to her phone (she didn't even take her phone out with her). In the pub DD was quite chatty, then went a bit quiet (not sullen, rude quiet or anything, just quiet) and MiL started on about her attitude again and how disrespectful she was, then criticisms about DD's food choices (DD and I are both veggie).

DD went off to the loo and I could see she was a bit tearful so I followed her to make sure she was OK, she said she was fine just felt like she wanted to cry. We had a hug and went back to the table.

So, we get back home and DH and FiL have a quiet word with MiL about the way she she treated DD in the pub and there was a bit of a row about pandering to teenagers and hormones are no excuse for bad behaviour and she insisted that they leave there and then.

Her parting shot was that by pandering to DD and excusing her behaviour as "hormones" we'd end up with a drug addicted tear away.

AIBU to think, that DD didn't do anything wrong, and there was nothing wrong with her behaviour. She wasn't rude at all (she was her normal chatty self, but felt a bit quiet and tearful at times). The way I see it is, she's a teenager, she has mood swings occasionally, it's totally normal and as long as she's not being rude, shouty and sweary (and there's little wonder she went a bit quiet when MiL kept picking at her all the time) there's absolutely nothing I can do about it

OP posts:
pootlebug · 27/04/2015 11:51

Mil sounds like a bitch. I agree your dd did nothing wrong. Your dh needs to have strong words and suggest she isn't welcome to cone again without some manners

lucidlady · 27/04/2015 11:52

That's appalling behaviour. Your poor DD.

ZestyDragon · 27/04/2015 11:54

I wouldn't be inviting MIL to stay again anytime soon and I would make sure she knew why. She was horrible to your DD and carried on even when pulled on it. Your FIL and DH have tried the "quiet word" and it didn't work. Protect your child and don't let the MIL near her again.

lem73 · 27/04/2015 11:54

Your poor dd. Has MIL always been like this? I find it a bit difficult when my dps come to stay as the kids are out and about now and they don't really know what to say to their grandparents and vice versa. However my dps make allowances. I'm glad your dh and FIL said something. I think them doing that proves that she really was being unreasonable and you're not being overprotective.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/04/2015 11:54

Mil sounds astonishingly rude. I would take her to task for such nasty behaviour and her horrible attitude.

Roseformeplease · 27/04/2015 11:55

It also sounds to me that, as much as picking at DD, she is also questioning YOUR choices as a parent (and your DH's). I think you should tell her, very clearly, that she either leaves you to parent your own child or she is not welcome.

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 11:55

You should have pulled her up on her moaning about your prefectly lovely normal daughter being on the phone WHEN SHE DIDNT HAVE IT WITH HER. Explain that you old bag!

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2015 11:56

YANBU Your MiL is a cow. Be very clear that she addresses any problems she has with your dd's attitude to you or your dh in private in future, and lays off her clothes/appearance/diet etc altogether. Angry

I assume this behaviour (MiL) is nothing new?

loveliesbleeding1 · 27/04/2015 11:57

Oh your poor dd, being a teen is hard enough without granny picking at her too.Dd did nothing wrong.

Seeline · 27/04/2015 11:57

MIL wouldn't be coming to stay again I'm afraid.
Quiet words obviously don't work - maybe actions will.
Has she always been like this to your DD?
Does she have any other GCs?

grannytomine · 27/04/2015 11:58

I think FIL feeling the need to speak to her about it says it all really.

CaTsMaMmA · 27/04/2015 11:58

i find it hard to believe anyone was having a word with this woman...sounds to me like she is used to getting away with murder.

you should have stepped in and floored every negative comment she made, and tbh it sounds as if it'd hardly have been confrontational

MIL: oooh dd cba to be here for our arrival
YOU: errr, you have arrived two hours earlier than expected

MIL: look at the state of you dd, in jeans and a t shirt
YOU: yup, just like her mamma, you got a problem with that?

MIL: teenager are never off their phones these days
YOU: well that's odd, you do know she left it at home?

MIL: hormones
YOU: yes...they do seem to make some people very BITCHY wouldn't you say

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/04/2015 11:58

A "pretty dress" FFS.

I don't like the sound of her one little bit.

Your DD on the other hand sounds quite lovely.

ajandjjmum · 27/04/2015 11:58

Maybe ask her what her parents did wrong, to end up with such a vile daughter.

Your poor DD - she's not exactly going to feel well disposed towards her grandmother, if she continues to treat her like that.

mamaslatts · 27/04/2015 11:59

Sometimes 'quiet words' don't cut it and you have to be a bit more public to send a message to all parties involved. I would suggest at the table DH to MIL 'there's only one person being rude and disrespectful here and that's you. Please stop bullying DD.'

Don't let your MIL turn DD into the scape goat. My GM had it in for my younger DB. My DM tells a story about how GM was a bitch to him and she airily reports 'I just took him and left the room' as if this was really big of her. How about actually standing up for him? GM is in a home now and DB is closest GC - he doesn't visit and I don't blame him.

CrapBag · 27/04/2015 11:59

Your MIL should not be allowed to stay again. Despite your DH and FIL telling her she continued to pick on your dd all weekend. The only person who was behaving badly was her.

I wouldn't let her in again. You and DH definitely need to stand up for your daughter, who did nothing wrong. Nothing to do with MIL what she wears or whether she is a veggie or any of the rest of it. Rude bloody woman.

paxtecum · 27/04/2015 11:59

Ohh, poor DD.

Your MIL is nasty.
I wonder if she is jealous.

kinkyfuckery · 27/04/2015 12:00

She sounds like a terrible bully!

SnotQueen · 27/04/2015 12:01

I would pull MIL up on this nasty behaviour. Preferably in front of DD so she could see me sticking up for her.
This really is unfair on her, poor girl.

SingingHinnies · 27/04/2015 12:02

god help her if she had of done that to my 13yr old when she's due on, she would have exploded in a tearful, rage, stomping out, i hate you sort of way. Sounds like dd didn't do anything wrong to me, what 13 yrs old's wear dresses these days anyway

LindyHemming · 27/04/2015 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 27/04/2015 12:09

What a bitch.Your DH needs to have more than a quiet word with his mother.She needs to be told that her attitude stinks and if she can't stop with the toxic critisism then she's no longer welcome in your home.My late mum and mum in law loved the odd fashion statements made by all of their grandchildren and made huge attempts to embrace the 'kid culture' diversely spread over 3 decades of being grandparents.(without being too embarrassing) Smile DH and I are trying to aspire to this with our lovely but very young yet,grandchildren.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 27/04/2015 12:10

MiL has always been quite old fashioned with regards to children, and it agree with the suggestion that she's questioning our parenting.

Girls should wear dresses, children should do as they're told and not have opinions and eat what they're given.

There's lots of guff about teenagers today not knowing they're born, and 'in her day', and no wonder they're all drinking cider in the park and getting pregnant at 15 when we're landing to them and excusing their behaviour.

DD is the eldest of 5 grandchildren, my DD2 is 9, and the others are 8 and under, so DD is the first teenager

She doesn't approve of us letting DD become a vegetarian, or being allowed freedom over her clothing choices, etc. she thinks we should make her do what we say - we just pick our battles

It all started when DD wasn't here on the Friday afternoon. DD was exceptionally rude because she wasn't here to welcome them when they arrived.

We were chatting over the weekend and I mentioned that DD had been out with her friends after school most of the week. We live near the sea, had glorious weather so DD had spent most of the week at the beach. MiL thought it was wrong that I'd allowed her that much freedom, but as far as I was concerned, the weather was lovely, she was up to date with homework, etc, so why the hell not?

I think now, she picks on anything she can to prove us wrong, so she can say "I told you so" regarding smacking/etc

She doesn't come here very often fortunately, this is the first time she's been for a couple of years, she's always been a bit difficult, but this is the first time she's been out and out horrible

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 27/04/2015 12:14

I would say they were exceptionally rude to arrive two hours earlier than arranged.

What a cow!

Corygal · 27/04/2015 12:14

Thank goodness they left early. But not early enough - MIL is a cow of the highest order.

I never normally say this but I would really think twice about having the old bag back when DD is around. She's just too rude. When you have to see them, make it away from your home and for a limited time.