to be annoyed with MiL and think she should have cut DD some slack?

[Songofsixpence]

Had the PiLs to stay for the weekend, and MiL spent most of the weekend complaining about DD1's (who is 13) behaviour and picking at everything she did.

The in laws had arranged to get here about 6ish on Friday night. DD has an after school club on a Friday, she's a member of a team and doesn't like letting them down. The club finishes at 4:30 so she's home by about 4:45pm, in plenty of time for the in laws planned arrival at 6ish. Anyway, they'd decided to leave a couple of hours early to beat the traffic so arrived at 4pm. MiL was not impressed that DD wasn't home when they arrived - both FiL and I pointed out that they were 2 hours early

On and off over the weekend MiL was picking at DD - her hair (too long), her clothes (why doesn't she wear a dress - DD hates dresses, always has, but will wear one if she has to), she shouldn't wear make up, her 'attitude' - DD is 13 and just started her periods a few months ago (she got her period again on Thursday) and is struggling a bit with mood swings and hormones (she wasn't rude or anything, but was a bit quiet and tearful a couple of times). DH and FiL both had words with MiL about it several times over the weekend.

Anyway, yesterday we went out for Sunday lunch. Only down to our local pub for their carvery. It's nothing special, a quiet rural pub, all very casual. DD comes downstairs and MiL starts on at her about clothes - why doesn't she wear a pretty dress, etc. DD was wearing skinny jeans, a smartish top and some black pumps (not terribly different to what I was wearing to be honest). Then as we're walking down to the pub she's on a DD for dawdling and being glued to her phone (she didn't even take her phone out with her). In the pub DD was quite chatty, then went a bit quiet (not sullen, rude quiet or anything, just quiet) and MiL started on about her attitude again and how disrespectful she was, then criticisms about DD's food choices (DD and I are both veggie).

DD went off to the loo and I could see she was a bit tearful so I followed her to make sure she was OK, she said she was fine just felt like she wanted to cry. We had a hug and went back to the table.

So, we get back home and DH and FiL have a quiet word with MiL about the way she she treated DD in the pub and there was a bit of a row about pandering to teenagers and hormones are no excuse for bad behaviour and she insisted that they leave there and then.

Her parting shot was that by pandering to DD and excusing her behaviour as "hormones" we'd end up with a drug addicted tear away.

AIBU to think, that DD didn't do anything wrong, and there was nothing wrong with her behaviour. She wasn't rude at all (she was her normal chatty self, but felt a bit quiet and tearful at times). The way I see it is, she's a teenager, she has mood swings occasionally, it's totally normal and as long as she's not being rude, shouty and sweary (and there's little wonder she went a bit quiet when MiL kept picking at her all the time) there's absolutely nothing I can do about it

For the avoidance of doubt I'd be on the phone to the old witch mysel to back up what dh said and furthermore stating that she'd not be welcome in your home again without a full, frank and sincere apology and a commitment to NEVER EVER bully one of your children again.

If you really feel you can't do that then just don't go there, never invite her back and if she has the balls to invite herself, say no, and give the reason "after LAST time??" And laugh maniacally

I do think some people her age are capable of changing their ways. I'm not so sure that a nasty, prejudiced bully like her (of any age older than about 20, empathy does develop late in some people) is capable of doing so, or likely to do so. She absolutely is not going to change unless she wants to change, and right now it doesn't sound like she wants to change. Her son and her husband talking to her about her behaviour wasn't enough to get her to stop. There might not be much you can do other than limiting DD's contact with her unless she promises not to act this way.

Has DD read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (or seen the film)? It might be therapeutic right now. Also, make sure DD knows that you don't agree with what her grandmother said about her, and that her grandmother was out of line to pick on her like that.

I don't think it's good for your DD to spend time with someone who picks at her like that. She's 13, she probably gets enough of that crap from other teenagers (even if she doesn't get any crap like that from anyone else, it's still enough).

I don't really see what behaviour of DD's NEEDS hormones to excuse it. She got upset because someone was bullying her. That's a normal reaction. Admirable, even- you don't mention anything about her lashing out at MiL, verbally or physically. Lots of people (some of them much older than 13) couldn't do that.

Sorry, Internet went down last night so couldn't get back on, didn't mean to disappear.

For some reason MIL already had it in her head that DD was going to be troublesome. It's as if she had a script all prepared "Teens are hard work!" "Her parents ruin her by not addressing bad behaviour!!" regardless of how DD behaved. Of course by criticising DD she was also having a go at you and DH.

Yes, definitely. She did not approve of some/most of our parenting, so now we have a 'troublesome' teenager, she's jumping on any perceived bad behaviour to say "I told you so"

Anyway, DH rang her last night, he said it was like talking to a bedpost. She honestly has the hide of a rhino. I was out so heard about it after the event. She's grudgingly apologised to DH in that non-apology "I'm sorry if you felt...." way.

I don't know how to get through to her. It seems she'd rather be right and be able to say 'I told you so' than have any kind of relationship with her grandchildren

I don't really see what behaviour of DD's NEEDS hormones to excuse it.

No, there wasn't any. Every time DD went quiet, MiL would tut and sigh about 'hormones'.

Of course, MIL was pulled up on it, but at one point I did try and make her understand that hormones and mood swings are perfectly normal. Sometimes DD wants to kill us all, sometimes she wants to cry for no reason, sometimes she's as high as a kite. We either run for the hills or dole out lashings of hugs. It's not pandering, it's just what you do. She's not going to end up a teenage tear away

you don't mention anything about her lashing out at MiL, verbally or physically

No, she didn't. I was really proud of her. Usually, we'd have got door slamming, 'I hate you', etc, etc. she was brilliant,

It rather sounds like you need to lay down the law with your MiL - and do it in a way that explicitly points out that your FiL is still very welcome and you are sorry for any impact this has on him and his relationship with your children. However, MiL's behaviour is damaging to your child and you should tell her as much and that, as a responsible parent, you won't be allowing further contact until she can assure you that MiL's previous behaviour won't be repeated. This should be done calmly and firmly - possibly in writing. Sounds like she's the sort for whom an actual letter might be suitable, especially as I can see that speaking with the MiL on the phone may be less than effective.

Grandmas should provide hormonal teenagers with ice cream and unconditional love and support, especially as, unlike parents, they have none of the responsibility.

geekymommy, we're on the same page!

Big virtual hug for your girl OP,from this granny.Grans should be a refuge for a young person against the mean old world.

Please pull up this woman on her behaviour,but away from your daughter.

Another virtual, unmumsnetty hug for you and your DD here.

Me and DP had a huge bust up with MIL and FIl last week because they referred to FILs other granddaughter as 'Evil' and 'A little bitch'.
She is TWO FFS.
Then FIL started blathering on about how 'a good hiding' would sort her out as it 'never did him any harm'. Twat.
He got incredibly angry when we started objecting to calling a two year old a bitch, and disagreeing that 'taking a cane to the back of her legs' would achieve anything.

I think it takes a very big person to hold their hands up and agree that the way they were parented was wrong, because effectively that's what we were saying, and perhaps your MIL is of the same ilk.

You seem like a really lovely mother. I wish mine would have stuck up for me like that when I was 13 and my hormones were all over the place! It's a tricky time, with everyone and their dog having opinions about everything you do. I think you should get your DH to have another word with MIL.

No, she didn't. I was really proud of her. Usually, we'd have got door slamming, 'I hate you', etc, etc. she was brilliant

Even if she had done that kind of thing, "natural and normal human reaction to being needled constantly for several days" would be at least as plausible an explanation as hormones. I think a lot of people, adults as well as children or teenagers, would have trouble keeping their cool as well as she did in a situation like that. If someone posted here on AIBU saying she blew up verbally at her grandmother after that kind of provocation, I don't think many posters would say she was being U.

If your MiL would rather say "I told you so" than have a relationship with her granddaughter, there is unfortunately not much you can do about that. Her loss.