to be annoyed with MiL and think she should have cut DD some slack?

[Songofsixpence]

Had the PiLs to stay for the weekend, and MiL spent most of the weekend complaining about DD1's (who is 13) behaviour and picking at everything she did.

The in laws had arranged to get here about 6ish on Friday night. DD has an after school club on a Friday, she's a member of a team and doesn't like letting them down. The club finishes at 4:30 so she's home by about 4:45pm, in plenty of time for the in laws planned arrival at 6ish. Anyway, they'd decided to leave a couple of hours early to beat the traffic so arrived at 4pm. MiL was not impressed that DD wasn't home when they arrived - both FiL and I pointed out that they were 2 hours early

On and off over the weekend MiL was picking at DD - her hair (too long), her clothes (why doesn't she wear a dress - DD hates dresses, always has, but will wear one if she has to), she shouldn't wear make up, her 'attitude' - DD is 13 and just started her periods a few months ago (she got her period again on Thursday) and is struggling a bit with mood swings and hormones (she wasn't rude or anything, but was a bit quiet and tearful a couple of times). DH and FiL both had words with MiL about it several times over the weekend.

Anyway, yesterday we went out for Sunday lunch. Only down to our local pub for their carvery. It's nothing special, a quiet rural pub, all very casual. DD comes downstairs and MiL starts on at her about clothes - why doesn't she wear a pretty dress, etc. DD was wearing skinny jeans, a smartish top and some black pumps (not terribly different to what I was wearing to be honest). Then as we're walking down to the pub she's on a DD for dawdling and being glued to her phone (she didn't even take her phone out with her). In the pub DD was quite chatty, then went a bit quiet (not sullen, rude quiet or anything, just quiet) and MiL started on about her attitude again and how disrespectful she was, then criticisms about DD's food choices (DD and I are both veggie).

DD went off to the loo and I could see she was a bit tearful so I followed her to make sure she was OK, she said she was fine just felt like she wanted to cry. We had a hug and went back to the table.

So, we get back home and DH and FiL have a quiet word with MiL about the way she she treated DD in the pub and there was a bit of a row about pandering to teenagers and hormones are no excuse for bad behaviour and she insisted that they leave there and then.

Her parting shot was that by pandering to DD and excusing her behaviour as "hormones" we'd end up with a drug addicted tear away.

AIBU to think, that DD didn't do anything wrong, and there was nothing wrong with her behaviour. She wasn't rude at all (she was her normal chatty self, but felt a bit quiet and tearful at times). The way I see it is, she's a teenager, she has mood swings occasionally, it's totally normal and as long as she's not being rude, shouty and sweary (and there's little wonder she went a bit quiet when MiL kept picking at her all the time) there's absolutely nothing I can do about it

I think you, FIL and DH can and should be a lot more blunt with her. Nothing she's said is fair or pleasant and some of it is totally unfounded (not being there to greet them when they arrive two hours early?) .

If she doesn't respond to firmer words, I'd tell her she's a bully and she's no longer welcome.

Your poor DD. She sounds like a great girl.

Did no one pick your MIL up on her comments at the time?

'Quiet words' are all very well but could leave your DD feeling unsupported at the time.

Personally, as Cats said I'd have been picking your MIL up on every single comment, as they were raised.

She was pulled up on it constantly, but it was like she was on a mission and just ignored everyone.

When she started about the phone I pointed out that DD had left her phone at home charging and Mil just humphed and again with the clothes, I pointed out that DD looked perfectly fine. She got shut down every time, but she just wouldn't give it a rest

We usually do get a full range of shouting, slamming and raging from DD but she kept a lid on it over the weekend

I agree that stepping in there and then is what you ned to do if your MIL ever shows her face at your home again. Quiet words have no effect, clearly, so an immediate response in DD's defence might be better. It's easier said than done, especially with family as it's awful confronting family. But your DD genuinely does sound a lovely girl. I was vile at 13. Vile. How my parents didn't sell me for a camel or a cow is beyond me. Yours sounds a credit to you.

Just make sure she doesn't come back for the next couple of years!

Your teenager sounds lovely.

I think it's your MIL who is being affected by hormones, or is she always that nasty? It's such a shame. Both my grandmothers were lovely to me, and would stick up for me even when I was being naughty! My DM and DMIL are not perfect by any means, but they love my DDs and are as protective of them as my GMs were to me. Surely that's the way grandmothers usually behave? Does your DD have a nice GM on your side?

Urgh, reminds me what my nan was like when my sis and I were teenagers!

My mum and dad always stuck up for me, no matter what she said, so just keep doing that so she knows she is supported.

I loved my nan but she was a small minded woman.

so you are just going to excuse her because she is your MIL and always been like this, she lives in the 1800s, has some random idea that her input is both important and required??

that's going to be peachy for all of you.

You have no real relationship with this woman why are you allowing her to upset your daughter?
...who incidentally must feel pretty shitty that all she got was a consolation hug in the toilets instead of parents who are prepared to stand up for her.

I would love her to meet some of the teenagers round here if she thinks your lovely daughter is such a problem! Hormones ARE actually a reason for people not to behave as they normally would, it's accepted when pregnant or when someone is going through the menopause, so why are teenagers given such a hard time, especially as she wasn't rude?

The fact she expects a bloody parade when she arrives too! My parents would be upset if one of the kids missed an activity that they are committed to as part of a team for their benefit! Poor girl seems to make an effort to see her, no wonder she wants to cry when everything she does is jumped on and criticised, that would upset me as an adult. YANBU & I really hope you have spoken to your girl and told her that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, I remember how self conscious I was as a teen &can imagine how she must be feeling right now.

As your dd sounds lovely and intelligent, you should propose to her a little game... Over the next 5 years you are to casually drop things that will shock MIL into conversation. Eg "DD's just out to a party, oh yes there may be booze", "DD has a boy/girlfriend", "DD got her bellybutton pierced".

Up it until your MIL is convinced that DD will turn out to be a druggie layabout (or whatever her fears are).

In the meantime your DD studies hard towards what she wants to do and at 18 you can proudly announce she is going to x uni to study y, or into a job she's always wanted to do or whatever.

Then you can both turn to MIL and smugly say "well I guess you weren't right".

I'm am joking of course, but she sounds like she'll never be pleased whatever dd does, so just stick up for your dd next time round, and tell her to stop being so rude as its a bad example to your DDs.

You're poor DD.

I would also have nipped it in the bud then and there. It is important that your DD sees that her parents stand up for her, though I realise that can be very difficult with an overbearing/opinionated MIL (I also have one!).

She sounds just like my 15 yr old sister did at 13. Right down to clothes etc.

Your DD is going through a lot of changes, she doesnt need to be picked at when shes hormonal.

Your mil sounds rude and unkind. But I wonder if she just felt left-out? Was she previously close to DD and feels cast-aside now DD is older and more independent?

My DSC sometimes infuriate mil with behaviour that is normal for their age-group. DSS plays on his phone, ignores people, gets a bit moody or sullen. DSD is addicted to her NintendoDs and wii games and has to be reminded not to ignore granny or that granny does not want an explanation of latest game you're playing! It's hard as Mil is not interested in anything 'newfangled' and thinks kids should talk to her about adult topics and show interest in her life. Unfortunately they are not very interested in garden centres, knee replacements or the charity shop where she volunteers. They're too old for childish games with her but not mature enough to make adult conversation, so she feels left out and nit-picks at them. Like yours, she feels girls should wear dresses and says things to DD like 'I don't understand this awful fashion for tight trousers don't you have a nice dress to wear?'

If I were you I'd have a quiet word with both. Remind mil DD is at a sensitive hormonal age. Remind DD her grandma wants the best for her, but is old fashioned and that DD needs to make more effort to engage mil in conversation that mil finds interesting. It's a good skill for kids to be able to talk to adults, about things the adults are interested in, not just about their own interests/school/hobbies. Can you help them find common ground? My DD loves hearing stories about when her dad was a little boy and looking at old photos, this helps them bond and makes mil feel valued. When DD shows interest in her, mil is more tolerant of DD in return.

Grandma-granddaughter relationships can be so special and mean a lot later on too. I think granddaughters need to go the extra mile sometimes. I do hope things improve.

YANBU at all. Your MIL sounds like my mum. Make it very clear to your DD that your MIL is totally in the wrong and probably jealous of her youth.

Your MiL was being exceptionally rude to her granddaughter.

Give your daughter the most humungous hug when you see her next, she sounds lovely. Tell her that granny was being out and out rude. No other word for it. Tell her that you are so proud of her not rising to an argument with her granny about some (or all) of the things that was said over the weekend.

Get your DH to phone his mother and tell her that your DD was hurt and upset by the comments made by her. Get him to tell her that unless she makes a full apology to her granddaughter that she isn't welcome to stay again.

Very few girls wear 'pretty' dresses unless they are getting dressed up for a special occassion, like a family birthday party or going out for the night but it has to be a special event. Going to the pub for food doesn't match that. What your daughter had on sounded perfect for what was going to happen.

Best of luck to you on this.

Caspian, my XMIL was a very miserable GM to her DGS. In fact she's a nasty woman in general.

I do wish that I hadn't spent 30 years pandering to her.

my MIL does this in stealth. My niece is, and I quote "ruined". Now I am not saying she is perfect but she is a perfectly normal teenage girl. She can do no right though, weight, clothes, attitude, boyfriend, etc. She has given up trying now and therefore is seen as rude and sullen. MIL will only make the odd comment in front of her but will then slag her off to the rest of us including her mum. It is astoundingly hypocrital most of the time and down right cruel the rest of the time.
She also does the comparison thing - oh went to nephews concert last night where he did a trumpet solo and got a standing ovation.... does your DS only get homework twice a week, nephew has 3 hours a night, I ignore it by my DH gets very wound up.
And yes they were very rude to arrive 2 hours early!

i think YWBVU
to allow ur daughter to been bullied like that all wknd.
this is ur child for christ sake.
sod getting fil or dp to have a quiet word, ur her mum, defend ur daughter.
u could have and nipped it in the bud quickly

All right, ginger, I'm sure the OP feels bad enough already. It can be hard to be firm with family members, especially in public situations.

sorry just read that bak and dont mean to sound harsh x

my nan was like that to me growing up, always resented my mum for not sticking up for me more.

Of course we stood up for her. Every time MiL made a dig she was picked up on it and shut down, it was mostly DH or FiL because they were there and got in first. She just wouldn't stop.

DD and I have had a long talk, she knows I thought Granny was wrong.

Does MiL have daughters? If she's never had to deal with teenage girls it might explain why she's so keen on pretty dresses and not understanding about periods etc.

Doesn't excuse her behaviour though!

Yanbu op, your mil was a total nag and awful to your dd. she must have been so stressed the entire weekend.

In that case sixpence I think I'd sent my DH off on his own to visit his parents explaining (in a polite and loving way) that it is not acceptable behaviour for a guest to attack your daughter in her own home and that if they would like to maintain the privilege of visiting rights an attitude adjustment will be required.

One more chance allowed.

(I'm not advocating NC by the way, just that they shouldn't be allowed to visit your home)

Sorry, x-post.

But, yes, we did stand up for her, but the last thing DD wants is a massive shouting match between Mummy and Granny.

So, in the pub, I went after DD as I could see she was tearful, as I felt that was far more important than having a go at MiL. DH and FiL did that.

Walking to the pub, I linked arms and walked with DD and DH had words, as I felt it was important for me to be with DD than speak to MiL

We know from experience that MiL won't accept any criticism of her behaviour, and while I'm not going to treat her with kid gloves and pander to her, DH speaking to her in the kitchen while making tea is far more productive than confronting her and ending up in a shouting match.

Your poor DD sounds quite lovely.

What are your MIL's relationships like with her own children?