AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

[Stillyummy]

I don't know if this helps but... They make the men signe a code of behaviour. I had a glimpses of it, it includes being respectful and fully clothed (the mind boggles as to why this was neccercery).

[musicalendorphins2]

I am not in the UK. My niece wanted her partner in with her when she had her baby. This was allowed but she had to pay for the upgrade to a private room.
I have semi-private coverage but will pay for a private room, if I ever have to be in. Can you do that?

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

Abused women (whether previous abuse or current partner). Single mothers. Those from ethnic groups who find it unacceptable to be around unrelated men.

Whoppeee. Another policy that makes things worse for some of the most disadvantaged and/or vulnerable and/or socially marginalised.

[Cheby]

I was desperate for my husband to stay but he wasn't allowed. I needed the help, the staff were worse than useless. Discharged by self against advice because I wasn't coping and hadnt slept for 5 days. I think my early onset PND could have been lessened if id had some help overnight from DH.

[mrsmilkymoo]

Well, I would have loved dh to have been there and if I'd lived somewhere where i could have paid to go privately to make it happen I would. I wish private rooms were available in all hospitals so those who did want a partner there and were happy to pay could do so and it wouldn't affect those who preferred not to have men around as I totally understand some people wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I insisted on keeping my curtains closed while I was in post c section though and would have been furious if I'd not been allowed to. I wanted as much privacy as possible. One health care assistant told me I wouldn't be allowed breakfast if I didn't keep them open. I couldn't care less about the pathetic breakfast as dh would bring me what I wanted.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

I had no idea this was the norm now, I would hate it. I had very big babies and difficult births, lost lots of blood, had a transfusion etc, catheter in for 4 days each time etc due to massive swollen episiotomy, dripping blood all over the floor just trying to walk round the bed to sort out baby. I hated visitors, who I wanted to see, seeing me in that state, with bloodstained nightie and unwashed hair etc, it would have been awful if forced to roomshare with strange men too!

With DD2, the poor young woman in the bed opposite me was bullied by her DP & his dad (who was driving them home) to come home earlier than she obviously wanted ie the morning after the birth, she had been awake most of the night sobbing and was having a hard time getting feeding established, and was worried about baby not feeding, and they badgered her into discharging herself because of not wanting to miss some footie on the TV. Arses. I often wonder how she got on. And whether they stayed together. And whether she was expected to wait on them hand and foot while they watched the match, despite having a newborn and recovering from labour, hormone swings, and worry about feeding the baby. She probably got told to keep it quiet for them too.

I'd happily pay for my DDs to have a private room rather than their experiences as a new mum be spolied by other peoples awful DPs

[Erudite]

I was desperate for my husband to stay but he wasn't allowed. I needed the help, the staff were worse than useless. Discharged by self against advice because I wasn't coping and hadnt slept for 5 days. I think my early onset PND could have been lessened if id had some help overnight from DH.

In your case the probelm was lack of care from staff. Your desire to have your DH there should not, ever, trump other women's desires not to have strange men sleeping beside them when they are at their most vulnerable.

This policy makes me want to weep, actually. How can we allow this?

[Higgle]

Not a new development, I think the following, taken from NMC publication is around 2011

"The Partners Staying Overnight pilot at the Princess Anne Wing of the Royal United Hospital in Bath (managed by the Great
Western Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust is a good example of how a maternity unit can involve fathers in the early postnatal
period. The scheme has been introduced in response to the needs of women who give birth either at night or during the early hours
of the morning and want support and care from their partners. This scheme encourages new fathers to bond with their infant and
to be a visible parent. It also reduces the workload of midwives as the father can help his partner.
Similarly, facilities at the Diana, Princess of Wales Hospital in Grimsby have been designed so as to enable fathers to stay with their
partners after the birth so that they can share in the first few hours and days as they become parents together. In recognition of
their efforts, the maternity team was awarded the All Party Parliamentary Group on Maternity 2011 award for Most inclusive
maternity service for new fathers.
Post-traumatic stress can occur in fathers and this can have serious consequences for family relationships. Expectant fathers are often
forgotten when an emergency section is required and they can be left feeling unsure about what they are allowed to do and what
their role is. Better methods for identifying men with postnatal depression need to be developed"

DH and I don't like to be seaprated and I insisted on staying with him all night when he was admitted to a cardiac ward at GRH - if you quote "Right to free association and family life" and start making notes of conversations and asking staff to sign them as correct records of conversations they quickly agree with you. DH stayed in hospital with me twice when I had miscarriages and was admitted for D&C. I would have stayed with him when he had his nasal polyps operated on but DS1 was about 2 and bored so we didn't stay over then.

[Reignbeau]

YANBU at all, it is not appropriate for people who are not the patient to be on hospital wards overnight for so many reasons already mentioned, privacy, noise, infection control etc.

[SirChenjin]

Another policy by men, for men

Not necessarily - the heads of nursing and midwifery of most of the hospitals around here are women.

[JanineStHubbins]

Do the feelings of other patients not matter to you, Higgle?

[Reignbeau]

Why on earth would you need to stay overnight with a grown man who has had a nasal polyp removed, especially with a 2 year old as well?

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

If all the men had obeyed the code of conduct if there was one that would've been good. Going for a wee after a section is hard enough without having to wait ages for men to finish in the toilet. They possibly had their own toilet but seemed to use the ward one. There were also 2 showers only and I needed the one with the seat as I couldn't stand too well. It doubles the wait if you've got twice the people, and to be frank, you need the shower more when you've been caked in your own blood for days (I was on bed rest due to placenta bleeding) than some bloke who can use the one at home.

I think it's a lovely idea, they just haven't thought it through and in my experience it doesn't work.

[herecomesthsun]

Could there not be a dormitory for the Dads elsewhere, perhaps on a disused ward? So if they want to sleep they can go off the ward and be all boys together, but they can easily come back to their partner when they wake?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

This sounds dreadful! And why have they "done away with" private rooms? Because they involve more walking to check on patients, probably?
As for the "curtains open" policy, bugger that, again it's just so they can reduce walking around.

I have every respect for nurses who do the job properly, I really do. And I understand that their jobs are being made harder and harder because of all the paperwork they have to do - and no doubt wards are being reduced to skeleton staff to cut costs in line with Govt directives - but this is a ridiculous state of affairs.

I would have HATED to have been in a ward where men were also staying overnight after having DSs - I wasn't that happy on ward where it was just women, but at least we'd all been through something similar (having a baby).

As it was, I went a bit hormental and tried to discharge myself way too early, but was able to get a private room (the cost was £70 per night back in 2007 at my just-outside-London hospital) so stayed in a couple more nights, to get feeding established and get some rest, knowing that there was help at hand if I needed it.

So these partners staying in, they are to do the job that lack of nurses/MWs is leaving undone, is that it? General care of the women who have just had a baby, unless something serious happens? Even so, no - I don't think it's right.

[GnomeDePlume]

I think that this is wrong. I dont think that patients should have anyone staying with them overnight so no female partners, parents, sisters etc.

I did feel vulnerable in hospital after I had my DCs. I remember how pushy some new fathers and grandparents were. I wouldnt have trusted them not to distort the dynamic, grabbing all the medical attention to their own families.

On the whole I think that most new parents/grandparents are respectful but you always get a few who are careless of others and will stick their noses into curtained bays because they have forgotten which bay their family is in.

[Gillian1980]

Yanbu.

I would hate this and feel most uncomfortable.

Of course I'd love my DH there but I would not even request it because I really wouldn't consider it fair on the other women on the ward. I would have no idea on their circumstances or how my DHs presence would impact on them.

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

higgle - The most telling line in that quotation is :"It also reduces the workload of midwives as the father can help his partner."

[fatlazymummy]

higgle did you and your husband have private rooms on those occasions?

[Erudite]

DH and I don't like to be seaprated and I insisted on staying with him all night when he was admitted to a cardiac ward at GRH - if you quote "Right to free association and family life" and start making notes of conversations and asking staff to sign them as correct records of conversations they quickly agree with you. DH stayed in hospital with me twice when I had miscarriages and was admitted for D&C. I would have stayed with him when he had his nasal polyps operated on but DS1 was about 2 and bored so we didn't stay over then.


That's possibly one of the most weird, smothering and self obsessed posts I've ever read on here.

You want to be joined at the hip? Fine. Pay for a private room.

You don;t have a right to family life at other people's expenses, in a bloody NHS hospital.

[UncleT]

FFS. I'm a man who has serious privacy issues with hospital. It's not a question of one sex or the other. It's a question or not wanting strangers gawping at you when you are sick and vulnerable (yes I realise there are intergender issues here but it's not the main gripe really) - you should be allowed to at least shut the bloody curtains, and I myself have has to argue for that several times - it's distressing, to say the least.

[UncleT]

Had to*

[funnyossity]

"Right to free association and family life" - crikey!

This sounds like one of the "rights" my child's primary school spend learning time on, ad nauseum. I prefer in a primary school context the right to become numerate and in a hospital the right to get care from medical professionals without Uncle Tom Cobbley and all being in attendance.

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

By the way, quoting the HRA and noting conversations didn't get your way for the reasons you think it did. They pegged you as a massive troublemaker and decided it was easier to agree and keep you where they could see you!