AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

[flora717]

This is awful. When I had d&c (day surgery) following mc two the prep/ recovery was a mixed ward environment. I really held onto the thought that it was because of the immediacy of the thing. I've been keeping in my head that at least this wont happen in a maternity ward should i get to one again.
I'll definitely be asking a lot of questions. Yes, fathers should be encouraged to bond. But that being at the expense of privacy for new mothers is unacceptable.

[TedAndLola]

YABU, it is horrible if fathers can't stay over, I had DS1 in a private hospital to ensure he could. Presumably most women are in favour, otherwise the hospital wouldn't allow it - could you have the baby at a different hospital?

How is the OP being unreasonable?

It sounds very much like this policy is to allow the hospital to get away with understaffing of nurses, not because women are overall in favour of it.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Most women might not realise they are able to complain about it.

With the NHS and especially in birth-related matters "you get what you're given and you're lucky to get that" often seems to be the way forward.

To insist that men are on wards 24/7 with post-natal women and all that involves is terribly dismissive of the feelings of an awful lot of women.

[funnyossity]

YANBU OP.

It's not a good plan overall, however much it may help some individuals.

[funnyossity]

You are right Whirlpool that most people just don't get around to complaining.

[ImperialBlether]

It's pretty clear that the only reason a hospital would want men staying overnight is to relieve the pressure on nurses. It's a political issue - if there were more staff, there wouldn't be the need for the men to be there.

To me, it's another example of people thinking they have rights and not considering the fact they have obligations, too.

In any case, I would rather come out of hospital after a normal birth to find my partner having had enough sleep and having tidied the house, got some dinner started etc. I wouldn't want to come home, exhausted, with a man who was also exhausted. I can't imagine a lot of those blokes are good for much in the days following the birth if they've stayed in the hospital.

[MummyLuce]

I was wearing pants and a shortish t shirt in the post natal ward as that was what I felt was comfortable (and those gown things are hideously unflattering) and I was told by staff to cover up immediately as "the men were about". Wtf?

[Theoretician]

Men just can't resist invading women's spaces, can they

FFS. Traditionally most men would ideally have wanted to be introduced to their child once he was toilet-trained and could give a coherent opinion on the football. This new-fangled feminist hippie nonsense of them being involved with babies is supposed to be pandering to what women want. Give women what they want and it's still somehow men's fault when half of them don't like the result.

I'm betting if these men were told by their spouses they didn't need to be there, the ward doors would be swinging shut behind most of them while the words were still hanging in the air.

[SideOrderofChips]

My view on it is if you want your partner with you 24/7 for bonding after giving birth either pay to go private or have a home birth.

I'm due my 3rd child in September and i know that it will be the same as my 2nd. He came in for the actual section and we arranged childcare for the afternoon/evening for our eldest. Then he went home and i was left with the baby to get on with it. Because thats what happens at home once i get home is i get on with it whilst he goes to work.

Thankfully here in Jersey they do kick the dads out at 11pm at the latest and tell them to keep it down if they are being noisy before that.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Does anyone have any thoughts on the fact that the NHS themselves say that for a number of reasons mixed sex wards are being phased out wherever possible?

I don't understand how this ties in with the introduction of men overnight in the post-natal wards?

I assume it's a "get out" as the man is not a patient, so it doesn't count for fines etc.?

[reallybadidea]

I cannot understand how this is allowed to happen. There are guidelines which state that patients must be given same sex accommodation (including bathroom facilities) unless there are limited reasons why - 'bonding' is not an acceptable reason. The CQC would strongly criticise the hospital if patients were routinely being kept in mixed sex accommodation - I'm guessing the hospital is getting around this by declaring it single sex because the men are not classed as patients! It might be worth checking further with the CQC. I'd be interested to know whether the hospital have done a risk assessment on this new policy and what safeguards they have put in place as a result

IMHO when their is a conflict between women being allowed to have partners to stay and other women wanting to have privacy then it shouldn't be a democratic decision - the right of women to have privacy should be the primary concern. Of course the ideal is to have private rooms for every woman and her partner, but until that happens then partners absolutely shouldn't be allowed to sleep over.

[fatlazymummy]

higgle would you expect your partner to be able to stay overnight if you were admitted for any other reason?
It's not usual practice in hospitals . The wards are for the use of the patients, not the patients and the partners, other than visiting hours.

[SabrinnaOfDystopia]

YANBU op. I think this is a terrible idea - I can't believe it's happening, it certainly wasn't a thing when I was having babies. The dads were ushered out at about 9pm.

Can you change hospitals, or is it happening at all of them now?

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

That's a really grim view of what men are like

[TedAndLola]

Theoretician you seem to have a very low opinion, and a complete lack of respect, for both men and women. That's sad.

[Ledkr]

Am I the only one who really enjoyed my time with my baby when dh and the other kids had left?
I have such fond memories of snuggling down with dd breathing a sigh of relief that I finally had her to myself to get to know and kids and coo over.

[Ledkr]

Kiss!!

[FanFuckingTastic]

Last baby I had here they still didn't allow it, although the young girl who gave birth (fourteen I think she mentioned) kept on sneaking her boyfriend in, which was very uncomfortable as they argued a lot! But it wasn't any better with him gone as she argued over the phone instead.

I wish it were possible for everyone to have their own room if required, I had a hard enough time of it when in a room with three other women, two had babies in NICU and so were pissed off when I arrived with an extremely unsettled newborn (the fuck off and shut your baby up from the c-section mum with baby in NICU was quite audible), and so I was pretty anxious about dealing with my baby quickly, being disabled and no mobility.

Fortunately the midwives were very helpful, they provided a co-sleeping cot to hook on the side of my bed, and took her away to night nursery for me, only bringing her back for feeds.

I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been with fathers too, as I was alone from seven weeks pregnant, so would have had none of the support and all of the worry of disturbing even more people.

If I were ever to have another, I would seriously look into having a home birth, simply for the comfort and privacy, although as a high risk pregnancy due to my health I might find it impossible. I wonder if private care is at all possible and what costs might be, I would definitely look into it, my birthing experience seems to directly correlate with how well I do in the first few months, health and emotionally-wise.

[funnyossity]

" give women what they want"

Hardly judging by this thread! It sounds a half baked plan.

[Theoretician]

I have to admit I was flabbergasted by my first experience as a visitor in an NHS hospital, in the late nineties. DW was in a mixed ward, about 8-12 beds I think, with a couple of male visitors audibly chattering away at midnight. (I was there dropping off something DW had asked me to bring.) It was summer, and I walked in off a London high street just before midnight, past lone security guard sat behind the reception desk, who barely looked up, certainly didn't ask who I was or where I was going, walked down some long corridors, up a couple of flights of stairs, more long corridors, then arrived next to DW bed. Did not see a single member of staff or locked door on the whole route. Literally anyone on the high street outside could have made the same journey. The fact that the windows were wide open (due to heat) contributed to the impression that the only real different between DW being the hospital ward and her bed being wheeled out onto the high street is that inside she wouldn't get wet if there was a sudden rain-shower.

Where I grew up, in a different country, visiting hours were 7pm to 8pm. At 8.01pm you were thrown out by a harridan, who spoke to you in a tone of voice that implied that if you didn't shift fast enough, they would be using their Judo skills to chuck you out of the 20th floor window.

[mojo17]

Op this is awful I would strongly recommend talking and then putting in writing that you are vehemently against this and will not expect this to happen to you. Refer to patient dignity, privacy and confidentiality
Fennel has suggestion is a compromise of sorts by putting all the women who's partners are staying In the one ward.
wtf! Seriously !

[Higgle]

seehere for a thread with contrary views, it says the RCM promoted the system

[fatlazymummy]

ledkr I really liked it when visiting time was over and the ward was nice and quiet again. When I was in visiting time was a couple of hours in the afternoon ,just for dads and siblings, and a couple of hours in the evening for everyone else.
I didn't enjoy my stay in hospital (was 5 days then) for a variety of reasons, but this set up sounds like hell on earth to me.

[Theoretician]

Theoretician you seem to have a very low opinion, and a complete lack of respect, for both men and women. That's sad

I was half-joking. How nice do you think the comment I was responding to was though?

Hardly judging by this thread! It sounds a half baked plan

It was a bit tongue-in-cheek. I agree it sounds horrible for all concerned.

[Erudite]

A lot of hospitals allow partners to stay overnight and this is the problem. Many women feel intimidated, unhappy with the fact a strange man may be sleeping 2ft away from her when she's feeling vulnerable. I sympathise, I wouldn't like it.


Agreed. A hideous, backward move that leaves women vulnerable. I am horrified, utterly, that this happens.

Another policy by men, for men.

And whilst your husband or partner may be pleasant, many, many are vile, abusive scrotes . The thought of a man like that sleeping ina room with my baby and I is truly horrific.