AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

I don't understand. I thought that the politicians had made a big hoo-ha some years ago about doing away with mixed wards. And that the NHS had some kind of target to remove all mixed wards.

Now this is being reversed? But only in the maternity areas?

Are they getting around it because the men aren't "patients"?

I don't agree with this BTW many women will feel vulnerable and so forth and not want to have strange men around the place. It sounds like the hospitals are doing this so they can cut down on nursing / carer costs. Appalling.

[fluffymouse]

Yanbu.

Men should not be allowed to stay overnight, unless in a private room.

[AnyFucker]

I hate this

Thank God my child bearing days are over

Men just can't resist invading women's spaces, can they ?

I know that if my H had been given the option to sleep over he would have declined out of respect for the women around him.

[Purplepoodle]

I was kept in a two bed delivery room with another woman as wards were full. Curtains were closed but her bloody partner was snoring so loudly it kept me awake and kept waking their baby up. Then they decided to chat in middle bloody night. Theb i was incredibly lucky my mw came in, took one look and moved me to another room as she said their was no way I could rest like that - my baby was zonked out.

[fatlazymummy]

Misskatamari your needs should have been met by nursing/midwifery staff, not by your partner. What would have happened if your partner had been unable to attend or if you had been a single parent?
And what if there had been other women (patients) on your bay or ward who felt their privacy and dignity had been violated by the prescence of your partner? (not intentionally by him)

[JumpRope]

It's pretty awful. But you say it's not your first - there could be primagravida women there who would kick up a stink about it if their husb couldn't stay, so it's a hard one.

Can you look at another hospital? We have a newly built hospital here in west Kent with no wards, just 100% private rooms. This has drawbacks as the nurses are too understaffed to be feel like they are adequately observing everyone. So they hate it, but it's better for the patients in a pastoral sense.

First baby in an old style hosp, we paid for a private room for 2 nights after I came out if HdU and it was such a good decision. I had so much attention with bf and general baby care help. Dh didn't sleep over though!

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

Where do they sleep? Presumably they don't get a bed. In a chair?

[Ledkr]

Wgere will it stop too?
Can a single mum have s friend or patent to stay? How about other children? It could get ridiculous.

[5YearsTime]

I had a traumatic birth recently and was given a private room, seemed to be standard for Mums who didn't have their baby if they were in the NICU. My partner was allowed to stay overnight and thank goodness because I was having horrific flashbacks and needed looking after mentally and a little bit physically. However, officialy it's not policy on the ward and outside of visiting times he was asked to make himself scarce in the corridors or day room. If we were coming in and out of the ward to the NICU outside of those times I made sure I was with him.

It's absolutely not the same situation as the OP but sometimes it's needed. I will be forever grateful to the midwife who decided to set this up for me. My partner is a lovely man who was very respectful in the ward, walking eyes down with me guiding him so he wouldn't see in to any of the bays, etc but I can imagine a lot of men are far from this!

I do think that in future it would be good planning to have this in place in a private room scenario but can't imagine how partners who don't behave could be policied!

[hackmum]

The thinking behind it is well-intentioned: some women really like to have their partners with them after giving birth, and it gives both parents a chance to spend time with the new baby, and the dad can help the mum if she's having problems getting out of bed or needs a glass of water or something.

But it sounds in the OP's case and other examples mentioned here that it's been put in place without properly thinking through all the consequences.

[JanineStHubbins]

It's so selfish to insist that partners stay, without one iota of consideration for other vulnerable, bleeding, newly breastfeeding women on the ward.

It just smacks of 'I'm all right, Jack'. Doesn't matter about the woman in the bay next to you, so long as your precious DH/DP gets to do what he/you want.

[Ledkr]

We need a mumsnet campaign

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I've got a 3 week old and DP stayed with me whilst I was in hospital so for me it's a good thing. I had a pretty awful birth and ended up having an emergency c section after 18 hours of labour. I was exhausted, sore and needed DP'S support as well as help.

We were in a 4 bed bay and all 4 dad's stayed however curtains were kept shut and there were strict rules that were enforced by staff, no dad's wondering around and a dedicated dad's toilet/shower room

[AnyFucker]

if every single bloke was respectful and quiet then it could work

but let's get real here

[Ledkr]

5years
How would you have felt if you had to go through all that alone but with a strange man a foot away behind a thin curtain?

[FayKorgasm]

I just ran this idea past my sister who works with vulnerable pregnant girls and women and she just said this would be strongly discouraged from her profession as abuse is more likely to begin or become more severe in pregnancy and the post natal ward is often the first point in which a woman or girl is alone so as to disclose.

[eurochick]

I would have hated other men around me in the immediate aftermath but I am terrified of hospitals, was having a very unwanted c section and was going to be without my baby as she was being delivered at 34 weeks. I needed my own husband there. My local hospital couldn't guarantee that my husband could stay, nor would it let me meet my surgeon before the op, despite my fears. I ended up paying to go private to get both these things. My husband stayed in a camp bed in my room and he was essential to me.

I had a private room, so his presence wasn't bothering anyone else. The NHS says no private rooms allowed after sections but private wards seem to have no issue with this (due to better staffing ratios perhaps). I was a farting bleeding mess with my boobs out, trying to squeeze out colostrum, and would have hated a shared ward.

[meandjulio]

It does sound like a lot of the mothers who found it helpful to have their partners with them found that because staffing was so short.

That's just shit in every sense. I'm another who would like to see the infection control picture in hospitals with 24 hour partner visiting

I would look for another hospital and I would tell the chief exec why.

[fatlazymummy]

anyfucker I doubt it would work no matter how nice the partners are.
Mixed bays/ wards in hospitals don't work because most of the patients hate them. That's what it comes down to.
Of course it's unavoidable in some situations (ICU, eg) but on the whole they're not a good idea.
If patients need help or support then that should be given by the staff, not relatives.

[JumpRope]

Just remembering the dads queuing up for their partners' lunch in the hospital with private rooms, I was on blood pressure meds and sitting on the floor with dizziness. In the queue. My dh was at home with our older child, and none of the dads thought to help or get a nurse. They are rubbish.

[5YearsTime]

Ledkr as I said it's a different scenario but it's one reason partners may be there. I felt for the women alone in the bays, it can't have been easy. Every birth is different and it's just a shame there isn't the resources or space to handle it properly.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

From the NHS website:

"About same-sex accommodation


Being in mixed-sex hospital accommodation can be difficult for some patients for a variety of personal and cultural reasons. Therefore all providers of NHS-funded care are expected to eliminate mixed-sex accommodation, except where it is in the overall best interest of the patient or reflects their personal choice.
Since April 2011, hospitals have had to provide a monthly report of the number of times they breach the Department of Health’s same-sex accommodation guidance and you can use this information to help you choose a hospital. Find out how your local hospital performs on same-sex accommodation (xls,142kb).
Hospitals can face fines of up to £250 for breaching the same-sex accommodation guidance. Since the introduction of the fine, the number of breaches has fallen significantly. Nevertheless, there is more to do to ensure that same-sex accommodation is available for patients at every stage of their care."

So as usual it's just women who are involved in baby related matters who are the exception?

OP can you show this to your midwife and ask on what basis this ward has been deemed an exception?

[Cocolepew]

Good grief I can't believe this actually happens! What a ridiculous, intrusive idea.

[Nanny0gg]

The thinking behind it is well-intentioned: some women really like to have their partners with them after giving birth, and it gives both parents a chance to spend time with the new baby, and the dad can help the mum if she's having problems getting out of bed or needs a glass of water or something.

There should be sufficient staff to help the new mother. I had to stay in a week (as you did back then) and my dc had to be readmitted due to jaundice.
My DH came for 2 hours each evening, visiting the first week, and stayed during the day with me in special care (and chauffeured me back to feed in the evening till I was told to stay home and rest).

He bonded fine with all our children.

Most new mums are chucked out very soon after giving birth these days (imo) and I think they can cope without their DH at night till they get home.

[Higgle]

YABU, it is horrible if fathers can't stay over, I had DS1 in a private hospital to ensure he could. Presumably most women are in favour, otherwise the hospital wouldn't allow it - could you have the baby at a different hospital?