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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my 11 year old that Father Christmas didn't exist?

109 replies

Bombinate · 25/04/2015 21:24

I thought she had some idea, and I thought she should know before she goes to secondary school. She had no idea, and cried when I told her( I told her very gently). I feel terrible, was i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

musicposy · 26/04/2015 19:05

We had a really tight for money Christmas when DD2 was 11 and she was still saying "well, never mind if you don't have the money, Santa will bring it." No amounts of heavy hinting worked. I wasn't sure if she still truly believed (she was quite young for 11) or just trying to ensure a good bounty!

In the end I asked DD1 (3 years older) what she thought and she said DD2 had always acted around her as if she still believed as well. I took the coward's way out and asked DD1 to tell her, which she did very gently and in a "come on, you don't still believe in that kids stuff" kind of sibling way.

It was a good way round it. DD2 accepted it and never seems to have been upset by it. Now 15 and 18 I was trying to persuade them last year they might sacrifice stockings for a bigger main present - but no joy yet!

OP, I think you did the right thing. Better now than in October when it's near to Christmas. And better now than in the autumn when her secondary school friends have laughed at her. I imagine she must have at least heard rumours (I think DD2 had) but tried to convince herself. We still talk about it as a fun story in a "I'll tell Santa you want that" kind of way and I think that's made it a slightly more gentle let out.

ClashCityRocker · 26/04/2015 19:41

I must add, we always pretended that santa was real long after everyone knew he wasn't.

SummerHouse · 26/04/2015 19:46

dontopen I love your letter. I believe. ...

SpiritOfTheRitz · 26/04/2015 19:53

I'm always a bit about this projected teasing at secondary school.

If they've managed to get to 11 without being teased in primary school, presumably they aren't spending the whole of December prancing round the school, declaring their unshakeable belief in FC.

So why would they suddenly start doing that at secondary school .
Surely it's unlikely to come up?

If anyone at secondary school had talked about what FC was going to bring them (and actually, they did), I would (did) have assumed they were being a bit tongue in cheek in the way they were talking about it, not that they didn't actually know.

BathshebaDarkstone · 26/04/2015 19:58

I think my DSis was 13 when she announced to her friends at school "you know, I think Father Christmas is really my mum and dad" to resounding hysterics. I think you did the kindest thing.

NurseRoscoe · 27/04/2015 01:06

Lordsandladies has it spot on. My children are very little, eldest is coming up to 4. Santa is very easy for us, it just comes naturally. When it becomes a huge effort to 'keep the secret' as they are old enough and clever enough to work out it doesn't make sense, it's probably time to let go.

As for all the bullshit about 'lying', childhood is meant to be filled with magic and imagination. It doesn't last long. My parents 'lied' about magic so I could enjoy my childhood. I probably would of held it against them more if they hasn't and I had missed out on it. People look too far into things

nooka · 27/04/2015 01:32

I really don't get how an eleven year old can really and truly believe that Santa is a real person/phenomenon. It's such an obviously impossible concept and it's not as if there aren't clues all over the place. So I tend to assume that there must have been quite a lot of parental reinforcement, and so it's that (not so much lying, but treating them as if they were foolish) that has caused any upset.

But I didn't grow up with Santa or do it with my children so I find the whole idea a bit odd really. People give you lots of unexpected presents at Christmas which is fantastic, I don't see any particular need to add an extra layer of fantasy.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 27/04/2015 06:54

We've done very little "parental reinforcement" and I think that might be why my two have kept believing, we don't talk about Santa much, just put out carrots amd mince pies and fill stockings, never used different paper for Santa presents, DCs don't write to him. When we talk about what they want for Christmas I just say put it on your list, not ask Santa. I think it's more likely they would twig early if he is talked about at great length, elves bring hampers on Christmas Eve, send letters etc.

DisappointedOne · 27/04/2015 08:02

As for all the bullshit about 'lying', childhood is meant to be filled with magic and imagination. It doesn't last long. My parents 'lied' about magic so I could enjoy my childhood.

You've never met a happier child than my daughter. She's a lovely child experiencing a wonderful childhood where she can decide for herself what she wants to believe.

My sitting outside her door in the early hours jingling bells, or biting into a carrot every year to create something she'll later find out isn't real isn't "magic".

She's absolutely free to believe in santa, fairies, monsters, dragons, or any sky fairy she likes if she chooses to. That's the difference.

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