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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my 11 year old that Father Christmas didn't exist?

109 replies

Bombinate · 25/04/2015 21:24

I thought she had some idea, and I thought she should know before she goes to secondary school. She had no idea, and cried when I told her( I told her very gently). I feel terrible, was i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 25/04/2015 23:35

Lazarus: why are you so hung up about a family discussing father Christmas in the spring? easter was 2 weeks ago, is it now inappropriate to speak of it until next February sometime? When are we allowed to mention Bonfire night? My son discusses his last and upcoming birthday nearly every day, is that unacceptable?

lordsandladies · 25/04/2015 23:35

I don't get the father Christmas angst on here at all. One side all it's lying your child will have trust issues forever and probably take a life spiral into prostitution and drug use!.

The other going waaaaay too far in the make believe until they actually are going to fuck their kids up with creepy little elves and embargoes on any possible slip of the secret! Plus over thinking how they can take credit for gifts and give "santa" credit for others .

What's wrong with a bit of make believe and then the bug man bringing the pressies but labelled from Auntie Sheila. When they are old enough to critically question they'll work it out. End of drama.

And any that is exactly what DM said to me "what do you believe? " and I chose to still believe at 37

lordsandladies · 25/04/2015 23:38

Bug man? That'd be freaky. *big

ProudAS · 25/04/2015 23:45

You did the right thing telling her - it wouldn't be fair to let her go to secondary not knowing.

My mum told me when I was about 9 and had just started middle school. I had wondered previously but really didn't think they would have lied to me. I was very upset at having been deceived but needed to know.

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/04/2015 23:59

I would say, if your daughter's believed in Santa till she was eleven, she's had a pretty good innings, OP! Most children find out long before then. She had to find out some time, and before she goes to secondary school is a good opportunity - to go on believing when none of the other children her age do would put her at a disadvantage. Far better to hear the news gently from her mother than from her classmates who may tease her quite nastily about her innocence.

SisterMoonshine · 26/04/2015 00:09

yanbu
I was thinking along these lines with my 10 year old.
She doesn't ask outright (and I think there's a reason for that).

April's a good time I think: you let her have this last Christmas and I don't think in the run up is the perfect time either.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2015 00:11

It's wrong of me to get excited/panicked in equal measures about Christmas isn't it?

Postchildrenpregranny · 26/04/2015 00:23

Dd1 was really upset when her best friend told her (last year of juniors) I was quite surprised, but I suppose we'd being doing a good job of it as Dd2 is 4 years younger ( I thought she'd guessed and was going along with it Shes 29 now so it was a slightly 'gentler' era I think)
Mind you, mysteriously. they both started believing in him (or her as its Mother Christmas in our case) again in their early teens and as far as I know still do . Though she does now leave the stockings downstairs..

unlucky83 · 26/04/2015 00:29

But at the time the child believes he comes ...so when they stop believing he stops coming - why he doesn't come to adults and you get things from mum and dad/family/friends instead...don't see that as threatening etc
(But do think MN is funny about the whole Santa thing ...I believed then I didn't and went present hunting with my Dsis...no harm done.
It was a nice thing to believe in. Do all you 'we don't believe in lying to our dc' brigade never read stories about fairies and elves and toys coming to life etc ...even the Little tin soldier? The magic faraway tree? They are little for such a short time -why not let them believe in magic. Real life is hard enough - do you never 'escape' in a good book or a film or a tv soap?

When both DCs were little we would walk past a small wooden door in a stone wall - (it is actually an old coal chute - and into a shed thing not someone's house). We would knock on it to see if the pixies would come out to play. I never told them it wasn't a pixie door - they worked it out for themselves - they have asked what it really is. But DD2 (8) will still want to knock on it when we walk past...

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 26/04/2015 00:34

I would have been horrified if my mum gave me a letter like that and would have assumed she had lost the plot.

80sMum · 26/04/2015 00:39

" Do all you 'we don't believe in lying to our dc' brigade never read stories about fairies and elves and toys coming to life etc .."

Of course we do! But we don't go all out to try to convince our children that those fairies and elves and granny-eating wolves exist in anything other than fantasy and storybooks! In my family, Father Christmas was a fun story, a game, a fantasy. We never pretended that he was 'real' in the same sense that we ourselves are real; he only existed in imagination and make-believe.

80sMum · 26/04/2015 00:42

I agree whattheF. That letter is a huge pile of sugary sweet fluffiness; so syrupy that it sets my teeth on edge!

inchoccyheaven · 26/04/2015 00:48

My ds2 was 11 and in secondary school when he asked and was and still is cross that I had been lying to him all his life which wasn't the reaction I thought I would get and he doesn't enjoy Christmas as much although splitting up from ex on Christmas Day might also be reason unfortunately. ds1 never asked at all. We kept traditions the same though and I still wait for them to be asleep before filling their sacks.

AmyElliotDunne · 26/04/2015 00:51

Like Laurie, I go along the route of "if you don't believe he won't bring you any presents"

My 3 DCs are 8-15 and obviously the 15 y/o knows it's not real, but still plays along for his siblings' sake.

Conversations with him before Xmas went along the lines of

"Please can you, ahem I mean Santa, order this for me for Xmas?"
"Well that's a pain because apparently 'Santa' has already ordered it in a different colour as a surprise. I'll have to 'send him a message' and see if he can swap it"

I think it's sweet that he still plays along as he is the most cynical anti-social stroppy teenager the rest of the year, but just that little spark of magic brings out the child in him.

Ds2 and dd are always asking if Santa's real, saying they know he isn't and all the reasons why they know, wanting the truth, but really still wanting to believe in the magic. They saw some Argos reservations on my iPad for things Santa gave them, so I told them that I had reserved them but not picked them up because I found out Santa was getting them instead.

Deep down they know it's bullshit, but if it's done in a jokey 'wink wink' way they are gently brought down to Earth as they start to absorb more of the reality, instead of the brutal "now you're grown up you need to know it was all a lie" sort of realisation.

depecheNO · 26/04/2015 01:28

My mum didn't outright admit it until my younger brother was eighteen. She used to drive me nuts with her insistance that Father Christmas was real (as a teen), not letting me be part of the fun of planning gifts for my brother. My dad (they were divorced) specifically enlisted me to help him make it memorable. I felt kind of sad when the time came with both parents and I was fourteen the first time and twenty one the second! I think even when you know it's a blatant lie, there's something final about the confirmation.

Trills · 26/04/2015 01:38

I can't remember ever thinking it was "real real".

So I can't help but thinking that kids who do think it is real at age 11 are not the brightest.

Or maybe you parents with believing children are just really good lliars?

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2015 02:57

And what of it even if they're 'not the brightest' Trills?

That's a really shitty thing to say.

however · 26/04/2015 03:13

I thought the letter was nice. Not my cuppa, but nice.

CatthiefKeith · 26/04/2015 09:08

I believed til I was 11, which probably proves Trills' point.

Probably helped that we lived in Spain, where they don't have FC. My parents are convincing fantasists. I still pretended to believe til I was 20 for my dsis sake though. (There is a 12 year age gap)

exLtEveDallasNoBollocks · 26/04/2015 09:16

"Not the brightest"?

Fucking hell, that's a horrible thing to say.

Staywithme · 26/04/2015 09:23

I don't know about Father Christmas but there's a lot of Scrooges on here today.

MrsKoala · 26/04/2015 09:23

I just can't remember anyone ever mentioning father Xmas at school ever. I always assumed everyone knew he wasn't real. It wasn't till I came on mn that I realised kids really believed it.

I would never have said who bought what and can't remember anyone telling me either. It was just 'what did you get for Xmas?' 'I got a bike and a new coat' type thing (and yes I got coats for Xmas which also seems to mn)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 26/04/2015 09:34

We've never made that big a deal out of Santa or the toothfairy, but DS still (I think) believes in FC, he's just turned 11 but is young in outlook (SNs). I'm always forgetting and saying things like "I got that in Tesco, er I mean Santa got it in Tesco" but it seems to go over his head. Definitely going to have to make it a lot more blatant this year. I think this is a good time of year, well away from the actual event. Definitely not going down the route of that letter though, sorry but I found it cringey too.

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2015 09:36

Bloody hell - kids know, they're not stupid! But they realise it's an elaborate game. They enjoy playing along.

Then the person who introduced this really fun game, and has been playing it with them for years blows it apart. Of course they cry.

GoneGirlGone · 26/04/2015 09:38

11?? Have you broken the news about the Easter Bunny too?

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