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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my 11 year old that Father Christmas didn't exist?

109 replies

Bombinate · 25/04/2015 21:24

I thought she had some idea, and I thought she should know before she goes to secondary school. She had no idea, and cried when I told her( I told her very gently). I feel terrible, was i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 26/04/2015 09:43

I don't know lynette. When I asked dh he genuinely really really believed till very old. He has a very innocent naive outlook on life even now. I doubt he ever questioned it. His motto is 'and easy lie is better than a hard truth'. whereas I was born a cynical hag.

lexie3 · 26/04/2015 09:45

YANBU. My 8yo DD hasn't believed since she was 5 and plays along very well for her sisters, who are 6 and 3.

Teapot74 · 26/04/2015 09:48

YANBU i had a counsellor tell me that I should tell DS around that age. I didn't agree and insisted that a viola came from FC. A few months later I slipped up telling someone what a great buy it was, he overheard and was devasted by me lying to him. There comes an age where if you insist you risk making a fool of your child IMHO.

thegreylady · 26/04/2015 09:49

My youngest dgc are 6, 8, 11 and 12.
I encourage the youngest to believe and rejoice in the magic but would gently reduce the 'real' side of the story at age 10 and start talking about our traditions and the way the story grew so that in December people can feel the spirit/essence of Christmas which makes us want to give gifts to those we love.
I usually add something fanciful about that special Christmas feeling coming down chimneys, through windows and filling the air with excitement. That is Santa.
I have never yet had a child or grandchild upset by this and all stockings (including mine) are filled with love on Christmas Eve.
I believe.

ClashCityRocker · 26/04/2015 09:51

My mum and dad told me the truth when they unveiled a plot to catch Santa in the act I wanted to know why he never bought me a pony

It was more of a 'ffs clash, use your head!' than 'Santa lives in our hearts' type shtick.

i still play along though.

Besides, I think not blindly trusting your parents in face of the obvious facts is a very important life lesson.

Original poster

Bombinate · 26/04/2015 10:44

She guessed about the Easter bunny a couple of years ago.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2015 10:45

My daughter asked me if he was real a couple of years ago, I told her the truth & she said "I thought so, but I will still play along for X (her younger sister)"

It didn't even cross her mind that I had been 'lying' to her.

I really get cross when people say this, most kids don't actually see it like that!

Rivercam · 26/04/2015 10:47

We told our 11 year olds before starting senior school. One was more surprised then the other, although both had heard rumours. They still get stockings from FC though ( I still believe in him

AmyElliotDunne · 26/04/2015 10:53

I also think the sentiment behind that letter was what it's all about. Yes, maybe it was a bit ott, but the feeling behind it sums up xmas perfectly for me.

MythicalKings · 26/04/2015 10:53

I'm still amazed to read that anyone believes beyond the age of 7.

Both DSs worked it out by then and playground gossip would have informed them if they hadn't.

MrsKoala · 26/04/2015 11:03

The Easter bunny isn't an actual thing is it? Do children believe something about that?

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2015 11:11

We don't do the Easter Bunny, although he seems really big here in Oz. I know people who sprinkle glitter down, or flour & make bunny prints in it...but then again, they also see Easter as Christmas mark2.

notsmartenough · 26/04/2015 11:36

I knew there was something fishy going on when we moved house in December.

I was five and the first thing that I wanted to know was how Father Christmas would manage to climb down the chimney as our new house had a gas fire.
My father said the fairy on top of the Christmas tree would fly down and open the front door. Alas, that's when I knew it was all a con.

It was obviously thought of at the spur of the moment - if only he had said that Father Christmas could use the fireplace in one of the upstairs bedrooms instead I might have believed a little bit longer.

unlucky83 · 26/04/2015 11:37

Just asked 14 yo DD about it - when she asked the time I told her she said she already knew -confirmed by reading Jacqueline Wilson's autobiography (so be warned!) - she felt sad that such a wonderful thing wasn't real. And wonders why you let someone else take credit for all your hard work and money spent!
She isn't scarred for life, glad that she had the chance to believe, will do the same for her DCs ...thinks it is silly that people worry about lying to their DCs about it.
We never did the Easter bunny ...so no problems there. We don't make a big deal of Easter. I buy them an egg if they haven't already been given one or two at their countless activities.

soverylucky · 26/04/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddiemairswife · 26/04/2015 12:05

I guessed when I was 9yrs old, when the doll in the top of my stocking was wearing a dress made from the same material as the small snippets of cloth I had seen in the fireplace some mornings. I didn't let on, because I thought my mum would be disappointed if she realised that I knew. My presents from Grandma, Aunties etc. were given separately. I never felt that my parents had lied to me, and it's only on here that I've read about children being upset about this, and I am amazed at 11yr olds being reduced to tears by the revelation. What sensitive souls some Mumsnet children must be!

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 12:10

I took the lead from my kids. My eldest started to question around 7 or 8 ,so I let him down gently. He was fine. My middle child has just told me he never believed anyway My youngest doesn't understand. I would have definitely told them by 11 though, for their own sakes to prevent being made fun of.
I don't see it as lying at all. It's just a fun story that makes Christmas magic and special and fun for young children. My boys used to like watching wrestling - I didn't bust a gut to tell them wrestling was 'fixed' and the wrestlers were only pretending to fight. I let them come to find that out in their own time. It's the same sort of thing IMO. There's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy and make believe, especially when we're children.

helenahandbag · 26/04/2015 12:17

I was really young when I figured it out and my mum gave me the truth straight away. My boss was really proud that her son still believed in Santa until he was almost 12, I was secretly cringing and embarrassed for him! He does seem quite young for his age but I was surprised someone could get to that age and have no inkling at all.

catlovingdoctor · 26/04/2015 12:24

YANBU. I knew Santa Claus didn't exist long before I was 11! I never thought he did anyway, I always found the idea of a fat bloke flying around in a sleigh ridiculous from an early age.

DisappointedOne · 26/04/2015 14:26

I worked it out, age 6. I remember my mother hissing at me that I "mustn't ruin it" for my younger sister. So I had to be complicit in the lie for another 5 or 6 years. My husband had to keep the lie going for his brothers for another 10 years.

It's one of the few parenting things we absolutely agreed on at the start. DD is absolutely free to decide for herself what she wants to believe. We don't tell her things do or don't exist. And we don't go out of our way to create blatant lies "magic". imagination is absolutely encouraged. 5 xmases in and we've no issues yet. (She's genuinely not bothered about it!)

ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 14:28

I have still never admitted to my (now adult) children that there's no Father Christmas! I tell them that I will pass on their requests to him - hyperlinks preferred.

eddiemairswife · 26/04/2015 14:41

My adult children haven't been told either. He still leaves an assortment of small presents for them under the tree, and also includes some for my son-in-law.

mygrandchildrenrock · 26/04/2015 17:54

My youngest son was 11 and in Y6, I thought he knew FC wasn't 'real' but he came home from school and said his teacher had said something along the lines of 'you'll be telling me next you still believe in FC' to a child that was spinning a story about why his homework wasn't done. My ds said he looked round the class but no-one else looked shocked so he figured they all knew FC wasn't real.
He wasn't upset but I wished I had told him sooner, rather than assuming he had worked it out!

crazykat · 26/04/2015 17:58

I can't believe there are 11 year olds that truly believe in Santa.

My 6 year old asked me straight out just before last Christmas if Santa was real or if it was me and dh who got the presents. I answered truthfully and she was fine, not bothered in the slightest. I did ask her not to tell ds and dd2 as they're younger and still believe.

If kids get to year 6 still believing in Santa, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny then they need to be told the truth, they'd be ripped to shreds at high school if they said they believe in Santa.

fatlazymummy · 26/04/2015 18:22

I think some children probably still want to believe, so they kind of convince themselves.
It probably depends on how secret the parents make the whole present buying process as well. I think my kids were probably aware to some extent that I was buying things and putting them under the tree throughout December. The presents didn't all suddenly materialise on Christmas morning.

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