To be uncomfortable that my heterosexual friend is volunteering for lgbt kids charity?

[travellingbird]

My friend has to be the most conscientious person. She is exceptionally engaged with social issues and currently works in a lefty cause (climate change). She told me she was about to start with a work-approved charity for LGBT young people in schools. The aim is to go into schools and address homophobia and gender stereotypes etc. She is hetero and cis. I'm gay, and she has been one of my closest friends even before I came out at 15. She has witnessed and supported me through my battles with homophobic parents. Our mutual best friend is also gay and identifies as agender.
She is well aware of her privilege (in a good way) and has aired her concerns about not being quite right for it, yet is proceeding.

So, am I unreasonable to be uncomfortable with her taking this role? Should I just be happy she is er, "helping us" and being a wonderful ally?

So some of you seem to be suggesting that it would actually be inadvisable for a gay person to do these presentations? Really? I'm trying to imagine a scenario where a gay person wants to volunteer to address homophobia in the classroom and is told, sorry, no can do, you're gay.

I think so much depends on the aim of the workshop,the audience, their experiences and the person.

Everyone on here has made valid points.

A LGBT person talking about their experiences can show that it is "ok" to be LGBT and can make people who are not LGBT reflect on their attitudes.

Someone who is not LGBT is also able to "not turn off" those who are prejudiced and may be a more suitable person to discuss homophobia and transphobia.

It's a very tricky area.

Where did I suggest that? I think that it may well be a good idea for young people to have the opportunity for a range of people to speak to them about these issues. But if an LGBT person talking one term about it might not get through to some people. A straight person coming in and talking to the same child about the same issues the next term might. So surely it's best to give them both talks rather than saying one shouldn't happen on the grounds of the sexuality of the person giving it?

Visibility is massively important. If an openly gay man or woman had come to speak at my school when I was a teenager it would have made such a difference to me and helped me so much in my coming out. That's why I do the voluntary work.

Surely it is about honesty, OP?

It sounds like your friend is open about being straight - if she is honest in what she says, and open to young people who have different experiences from her contributing to the session, then her sessions could be helpful.

I sometimes have to speak to children at school about issues of homophobia, and I explain that I find what they're saying offensive (usually using the word 'gay' as a derogatory term) because they are implying that there is something wrong with being gay when there isn't, and because I know that some young people might (or have been) be made to feel uncomfortable because of the word being used that way when they are gay themselves, and I want everybody to feel comfortable, accepted and able to learn in my classroom.

I have never had any response other than a shame-faced "sorry Miss", but if a student wanted to discuss further then of course we would. If there was someone in the room who wanted to contribute their own experience of hearing homophobic language in light of their own sexuality, I would really appreciate that, and do my best to help them feel safe and understood in the discussion, but I also appreciate that in that setting there are a lot of reasons that they may want to stay quiet.

I see my role as helping students to rethink the way they use language based on empathy and kindness, or if nothing else to learn what is unacceptable language in the classroom. Is that wrong for me to do as a straight cis woman? And if not me, then who?

But I agree with what you say too wizard. I work with lots of straight people in my day job that would be brilliant at this.

If an openly gay man or woman had come to speak at my school when I was a teenager it would have made such a difference to me and helped me so much in my coming out

If I knew about trans people back in the 80s, so would I. But I didn't. And the trans people in the media seemed to have a negative reputation and negative press.

I hate myself so much for not coming out back then. Life would have been very different. It still affects me and my mental health now. I hate my body and the fact I waited. My school though would not have coped with a trans pupil.

I am pleased for trans kids now -but still very jealous.

I came on this thread thinking the OP was being slightly unreasonable and insular. But now I see that some people's idea of anti-homophobia activism consists of making LGBT teens sit through a lecture and listen to a straight person tell other straight people that they can't catch "the gay" off them. And while that's probably something some people need to be told, that sounds like an utterly hideous experience and I'm glad my school decided not to go with that model.

That sounds really bloody hard Orlando. Do you feel as if there's no way you can explore this now?

Okay. Let me front up about this. I have some experience of homophobia being tackled in my own family.

A relations parents were Christian and could not deal with their son being gay because of their faith, they were ostracizing them and making their life very hard. The rest of the family, every single LGBT person in the world could have talked to them until we were blue in the face and it would have made no difference.

The thing that did make a difference was someone of their own faith coming and talking to them about it and tell them that they didn't have to that. Because their sexuality was not an issue between them and their child. It was an issue between their child and God. They did not have to intercede in the place of God, they could still enjoy a good relationship with their child and accept their sexuality because it was an issue between the son and God, not the son and his parents. And although it didn't make things perfect it changed things a lot. They weren't happy about it but they didn't feel that they had to punish him, or at least their instinct to punish him abated a great deal.

But, you know, if you think that shouldn't have happened and they should just have had a lecture of an LGBT advocate...well that wouldn't have changed a bloody thing.

I can't turn the clock back. No one can. It must be the same for gay people - even though it's been more "acceptable" to be gay for longer.

I do think role models are important. I also think the "hidden" curriculum is important in schools. All the messages that people are expected to get a relationship with a person of the opposite sex and have kids. It's so subtle but it reinforce the "norm".

Things are much better now for LGBT children than they were. You no longer have to live a lie and the Internet has been a God send. You know you are not alone.

Wizard - that sounds like a well thought out intervention, and well adapted to the specific situation. But the OP's friend isn't staging interventions (although it sounds as if she'd be perfect for that role), she is going into schools where there will presumably be a percentage of LGBT youth among the students. And I think in this case, having a team of LGBT people turn up and just be there as normal, well-adjusted adults, would be a lot more helpful in combatting the kind of low-level, unthinking homophobia that is prevelant in most Western societies, than having a straight person come in and tell all the straight kids that they're not in any danger of turning gay. Which would just hammer home the message to all the LGBT kids that turning gay is something to be afraid of.

Yes that's true, there is a lot more awareness and support available.

How one person feels/thinks is subjective and different to how another thinks/feels on a same subject, it maybe similar.
In these roles the main focus for the person in the job is to have empathy and to support.
I've worked in so many fields fields and don't have the same experiences as my clients, doesn't make me less qualified.
OP you are really being quite narrow minded and a little unfair, if the organisation didn't think your friend could do it they wouldn't have given her the job.

Swan

The LGBT group of volunteers that comes to the school that I work in does come as a team. In that team they have a range of LGBT and straight because they understand that all of the pupils in the room need to hear the experiences of a range of people.

I doubt that the OP's friend will be the only volunteer to go to the school.

uglyswan, you're making the mistake of thinking of this as an 'either or' situation.

The fact that this woman is going in and trying to tackle homophobia doesn't mean that a group of LGBT can't go in. They might go in at the same time, they might go in later. But the fact this woman is going into schools and talking about homophobia doesn't mean that LGBT people can't or won't be going in. In fact if the school is well engaged enough to be involved in this kind of activity I would be absolutely stunned if they were obstructive about LGBT people supporting teens in their schools too.

We're not talking about a situation where only straight people are allowed to go into schools and talk about homophobia, we're talking about a situation where schools are happy for anybody to come into school and talk about homophobia and one of them just happens to be straight.

Swan, I doubt that is what the OP will do. Presumably she will have training, be expected to use specific materials, there will be a volunteer co-ordinator who will supervise etc.

I agree that there should be representation and hopefully there will be, particularly as the organisation is for LGBT kids according to the OP.

But the Equality act also covers discrimination against people associated with gay people. So there will be pupils who have gay parents or siblings who will experience homophobia but are often straight.

I suspect several of you think men can be feminists. Hey ho.

Oh go away with your faux whatever-that-is.

Boney and Wizard - yes, I would hope that would be the case and that sounds like the best solution. But that isn't clear from the OP and I really hope that the school and the organization they work with aren't planning on just sending in one straight person for a chat about homophobia and then be done with it, because the more I think about it and the more posts I read on this thread, the more that sounds like a terrible idea. Presumably they won't, though.

My friend's fifteen year old is currently undergoing male to female transition . He now lives as she and has come out at school as a she with her new name.

She finds it easier to talk to me than her parents. I am straight, married etc

He tried to commit suicide aged 12 as a very unhappy male.

As a fifteen year old girl she has many hurdles to cross in her life. I hope I am there to help ..............but she now seems settled and is a very intelligent and caring young person.

I've a friend who works for the Anne Frank Trust. She goes to schools , prisons etc and talks about the holocaust and genocide.

• she is not Jewish
• she is not a holocaust survivor.

What should they do?

Perhaps your friend is a really good communicator. Perhaps she has experience and a real rapport with young people . Perhaps she has films and materials of young LGBT people talking about their experiences. Perhaps she was given the job because she has the skills rather than some sort of 'acceptable' identity. Quite right to. People should be judged on what they can do rather than who they are.

I have to say I really have a problem with identity politics and this whole idea that there is some scale of privilege which means that something someone says is considered more legitimate because of whatever identity they adopt. And I have a huge problem with labelling people as 'Cis.'

Oh ffs, I'm not talking about legitimacy nor am I claiming that straight allies can't be an enormous help. I'm talking about how best to help LGBT teens and from my own and many other people's experience all I can say is that role models and visibility are key elements in helping LGBT teens accept themselves and their sexuality and give them the strength to combat and cope with homophobia. Straight allies can help with this, they can listen, they can try and talk straight people out of their homophobia (big thank you!), but they can't provide role models.

Maybe she's not there to be a role model. Maybe she is there to present some material prepared by LGBT people.

Just a thought

This reminds me a bit about a job advert I saw for a drug addict support charity. They wanted a finance officer who can help with running the office and admin. Preferably educated to degree level in economics, AND with an MBA. Being a former user of heavy drugs imperative as all members of staff must be former addicts in order to fully sympathize with the cause.. I wonder if they filled the position easily....

Back to OP - you sound closed-minded, narrow-minded and hetero-phobic.