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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how to respond to this text - involves "play date" and boys in dress up

126 replies

HighwayDragon · 24/04/2015 18:45

So I had a text from a friend today (she's a school run mum so not actually friends more friendly) asking me to pick up her ds (4) as there was some sort of emergency at work. No problems, he's been here before and she's had dd over before. Playdate was fine, fed him a light tea, him and dd decided to play dress up, he put on fairy wings and tutu.

She came to pick him up, thanked me. Then he walks down the stairs dressed as a fairy. Her face instantly sours, she says 'ds you KNOW they're girls clothes, take them off and get your shoes' I wad Hmm but didn't say anything. Me and mum make stilted small talk, they leave.

I've just had a text "hey thanks for having x after school ur a lifesaver. but i wasnt happy to see him in a skirt! next time he comes over can u make sure he only wears boy dress up sure you understand xx" Shock Shock Shock

Help me reply, because I'm still scooping up my jaw!

OP posts:
poptartsmart · 24/04/2015 23:54

'Help me reply because I'm scooping up my jaw.'

So many suggestions and you reply with THAT?

Why didn't you say anything? You needn't have been rude.

'No problem, your DS is always a pleasure and we love having him, however in our house the kids can play dress up however they like. We don't go for gender stereotypes especially when they can be so damaging for children. Let me know if you ever need me to take him after school again Smile'

You haven't challenged it op and I'm inclined now to say you are part of the problem!

Weak and pathetic tbh

Bilberry · 25/04/2015 00:26

Reply: 'I have a dd so we only allow her to play with princess and fairy outfits and fluffy glittery pink toys. I worry how boys toys, dressing up or games may influence her so don't allow such things in my house. Sorry. I understand if you don't want your ds to come here again. However, it is good to know she will have a strong male friend in the playground to rescue her and prevent her worrying her pretty little head about things.'

FeijoaSundae · 25/04/2015 03:41

Not sure you needed this thread to help you formulate that reply.

Purplepixiedust · 25/04/2015 07:32

She is nuts. I am surprised at her attitude tbh in this day and age. I don't kniw anyone who would think like that (not of the mums I have much to do with anyway).

My son has recently started playing more with a girl who lives round the corner and spent a happy afternoon last weekend dressed as anna from frozen ( complete with lipstick he informs me). He is 8. I think she is great as she has no interest in minecraft or nerf guns and so he gets to do something different for a change. There has been a good deal of trampolining, skipping and colouring mentioned. He is very easy going so will probably play whatever she wants to play. He enjoys dressing up though whatever the costume.

Its a shame you agreed with her. I would have struggled to tbh but understand your difficulty. If you made a fuss, they would probably not get to play together again. I think I would have had to at least say 'they had a lot of fun dressing up and I can't see the harm in it, but will discourage if that's what you prefer'.

Purplepixiedust · 25/04/2015 07:36

Oh and his has his own fairy wings at 4 thinking about it. He now tends to choose pirates, vampires and animal costumes. He loves dressing up at school whenever they have a 'day' (red nose, comic relief, victorian etc). I have found I am quite good at face painting - the things you would never know you could do if you didn't have children!

however · 25/04/2015 07:50

People with very fixed ideas on gender roles (or, on anything really) generally don't change their minds because you tell them to, or because you tell them their view is wrong. It's normally a slower process than that.

It won't be the first time she's been exposed to boys wearing 'girl' things. It won't be the last. The fact that it was her son was probably confronting to her (or possibly her husband).

She already knows you think there is nothing wrong with what you 'allowed' her son to do. You don't need to tell her that. She disagrees with you. Fine. Hopefully (and most likely) you're one in a long line of parents that she'll meet during her kids' school lives who don't see it as perfectly normal and not worthy of comment.

BigBirthdayGloom · 25/04/2015 08:11

I might go too far the other way-some of my favourite pictures/videos of ds are of him in "girls" dressing up clothes. If I were to analyse, it's because it records a time when he was unbothered by stereotypes. Or because he looked so blooming cute with curly, floppy blonde hair and a Cinderella dress...

MammaTJ · 25/04/2015 08:17

I think next time she wants you to have him at short notice you should reply 'I can't possibly, it's too short notice, I have had time to put the frills and flounces away'.

MammaTJ · 25/04/2015 08:19

haven't had

VelvetRose · 25/04/2015 08:21

That's s shame op. Still, if he's a good friend of your dds he'll come over again so maybe you could tackle it that time. There's no way I'd be dictating to a 4 year old what he ought to be wearing during dressing up, I don't care how the other parent feels.

ocelot41 · 25/04/2015 08:21

No, I don't understand. Kids are allowed to play how they want to play at my house. If you dont like that, don't ask me for emergency babysitting!

Bilberry · 25/04/2015 09:13

Her DS may just as well have thought he was wearing a rocket pack and an invisibility belt rather than wings and a skirt as that is the joy of dc imaginings. After all a stick and a big box can be so many things.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 25/04/2015 09:20

Oh, okay OP. That's that dealt with then. Hmm

If I was presented with that, I would have taken the opportunity to - very politely - make it plain that I wouldn't be railroaded into enforcing gender stereotypes in my own home, thanks.

But each to their own.

eddielizzard · 25/04/2015 09:22

'omg you're so right! my cousin wore a pink t-shirt once and now he's a raving poofter! so sorry, i have completely ruined your son's sexuality and now he's going to be a bum bandit. next time i'll dress him up as john wayne and hopefully that'll put it all to rights.'

but oh, you've let her get away with this total utter crap.

steppemum · 25/04/2015 09:27

'Don't worry, they WERE boy clothes, we got them from our Eddie Izard dressing up box'

I love this response!
But I would be so irritated with this that I would want to send what pp put -

"Current consensus is that gender stereotypes are incredibly damaging to children's emotional health and I couldn't in good conscience subject him or my DD to potential emotional harm by restricting his choices in dress up (which DD would witness) based on the genitalia he happened to be born with. If you feel differently, perhaps it's best you call someone else next time a childcare emergency pops up."

lionheart · 25/04/2015 09:32

I would at least have asked her "why?" so she would have to think about it and probably dig a deeper hole.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/04/2015 09:52

To be honest. I probably be chewed up and spat out for this but I've got to be honest if my dn was wearing fairy wings I wouldn't be best pleAsed.
However I would never pass a comment. We're all allowed to think what we like but texting and saying what you like is another thing entierly

lionheart · 25/04/2015 09:56

Why?

ragged · 25/04/2015 10:05

I'd find my DS cute as a button in fairy wings. Camera out straight away.

You are a saint for tolerating that text, OP. No way I could let it pass.

steppemum · 25/04/2015 10:08

Ilive - if you let a bunch of kids loose with a dress up box they wear all sorts of stuff. The gender stereotypes are all the adults, children don't have them. They just play, imaginative play, and it is healthy and normal.

There are many threads on here about little boys in pink tutus and fairy wings age 5.

So for you a genuine question - why does it matter, what are you afraid of?

Fromparistoberlin73 · 25/04/2015 10:19

Ignore and detach

Trills · 25/04/2015 10:54

Unfortunately your "No worries" did not sound like

"no worries about looking after him"

it could also be

"no worries, I will abide by your unreasonable and sexist request".

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2015 11:18

All the suggestions you've had and you reply with "no worries". Why did you bother asking the question? Hmm

pushingupdaisies · 25/04/2015 12:50

YY to Lauriefairycake's There won't be a next time you crazy gender stereotyping homophobic fuck arse Grin

Happy36 · 25/04/2015 12:55

Next time be unavailable to help She is ungrateful and presumptuous to refer to "next time".