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AIBU?

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Original poster

how to respond to this text - involves "play date" and boys in dress up

126 replies

HighwayDragon · 24/04/2015 18:45

So I had a text from a friend today (she's a school run mum so not actually friends more friendly) asking me to pick up her ds (4) as there was some sort of emergency at work. No problems, he's been here before and she's had dd over before. Playdate was fine, fed him a light tea, him and dd decided to play dress up, he put on fairy wings and tutu.

She came to pick him up, thanked me. Then he walks down the stairs dressed as a fairy. Her face instantly sours, she says 'ds you KNOW they're girls clothes, take them off and get your shoes' I wad Hmm but didn't say anything. Me and mum make stilted small talk, they leave.

I've just had a text "hey thanks for having x after school ur a lifesaver. but i wasnt happy to see him in a skirt! next time he comes over can u make sure he only wears boy dress up sure you understand xx" Shock Shock Shock

Help me reply, because I'm still scooping up my jaw!

OP posts:
Akire · 24/04/2015 20:04

You have a daughter she has a son, I presume when she plays there the mum disnt snatch all cars trains etc out of her reach. So impossible for you to hid all "girls" toys from yours.

JustAScreenName · 24/04/2015 20:06

Too late now, but catzpyjamas had the right idea. She can tell you how she likes her kid to play, fair enough, but you are modeling beliefs and behaviour for your daughter. I wouldn't stand for anyone telling me I should teach my daughter that gender stereotypes are to be conformed to, by enforcing them with her visitors in her home. Not a fucking chance.

"No worries" does sound like that's what you're agreeing to do.

Justusemyname · 24/04/2015 20:14

Yep,she's told you what to do and you are doing it.

Catsize · 24/04/2015 20:15

This "There won't be a next time you crazy gender stereotyping homophobic fuck arse" was brilliant.
Your reply is disappointing to be honest as you have agreed to her request!

Gnightjimbob · 24/04/2015 20:20

No way would I have responded as you did.

Wouldn have been better to say, " Gosh no - I totaly understand! I told him he wasnt to dress up like a pansy girlie but he absoluted insisted on that outfit and we had tears and tantrums!"

MooseyMouse · 24/04/2015 21:24

You've colluded with her prejudice rather than challenging it. I think it would have been better to say "I don't enforce gender stereotypes at my house".

Handsoffmysweets · 24/04/2015 21:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

CatHackney · 24/04/2015 21:49

Maybe you should just add that you still hope your daughter will be allowed to play with construction toys as you're confident it won't make her ovaries fall out?

Mrchubster · 24/04/2015 21:55

Poor boy Hmm

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 24/04/2015 21:59

I'd reply with "Current consensus is that gender stereotypes are incredibly damaging to children's emotional health and I couldn't in good conscience subject him or my DD to potential emotional harm by restricting his choices in dress up (which DD would witness) based on the genitalia he happened to be born with. If you feel differently, perhaps it's best you call someone else next time a childcare emergency pops up."

But then this is one particular issue which really is my personal bugbear and propels me right up onto my soapbox.

OverTheHandlebars · 24/04/2015 22:00

Why ask for advice if you're just going to validate her prejudice? It makes you as bad as her. No wonder some people still think homophobia is acceptable.

Only1scoop · 24/04/2015 22:03

Jeez if you'd helped me out like that o wouldn't have given 2 hoots if he was dressed as Sarah Palin with diamanté rollerblades.

Ignore

Would avoid favours also.

Charlotte3333 · 24/04/2015 22:05

I don't think it makes you as bad as her at all, I think you were probably just trying to keep the peace and not create a fuss over it. I'd like to think I'd have said "actually, it doesn't matter a tiny bit what the heck a child that age wears, so take the stick out your backside and find something important to stress over, you wet tit", but I probably wouldn't, because people don't like to create a scene.

I'd make damned sure he doesn't visit again, though, since she has such a problem with your care of him.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 24/04/2015 22:06

Whilst I'd be tempted to send some of they earlier suggestions, I think something more effective for that kind of outlook would be "sure, next time I pick your DS up can you make sure he has a "boy outfit" with him? DD is a girl" I think I'd be tackling it on the total rudeness/you've helped her at short notice front rather than the gender stereotypes because she can't have it both ways. If she thinks your DD should own something suitable for her DS to dress up in, clearly her gender stereotyping views don't stand up to scrutiny.

BlackbirdOnTheWire · 24/04/2015 22:10

(Before anyone attacks me, a) bloody autocorrect is going crazy, I'm not responsible for the shit punctuation; and b) I have a DD and a DS and I don't care what they dress up in as long as they put it all away afterwards! If DD wants to be a builder and DS wants to be a fairy, that is absolutely fine by me. Even if DD does want to be a builder because the only person she sees doing DIY is me...)

RosesareSublime · 24/04/2015 22:43

I am still missing links between a child catching gay off a tutu or why being homophobic or anything sexually related is even mentioned.

Its a piece of cloth thats been ruched up rather than a flat piece of cotton made into short or something.

Its just imaginative play, I assume she never wants him to be an actor/deisnger/artisit or anything creative....

bizarre stifling behaviour.

DisappointedOne · 24/04/2015 22:44

I mixed cement as a toddler. Could change car wheels by 6. Could wire a plug by 8. Changed car oil and spark plugs by 10. Rewired a house aged 18 and took walls down, laid carpets and wooden flooring by 21. I owned more tools than my husband when we met.

That lot happened because I was never constrained to a gender as a child.

Not being allowed to dress up as a girl is the tip of the iceberg for this kid, and you just validated that for his idiot parents.

RosesareSublime · 24/04/2015 22:44

anyway Op I would have said something more like - NO worries,but we love dressing up here so cant guarantee he wont get into dressing up box, he seemed to love it and had a fab time. Glad I was able to help you out, xx

Totality22 · 24/04/2015 22:44

A goody it's the weekly "boy in a dress" thread!!

RosesareSublime · 24/04/2015 22:45

Yes the weekly, I let my children go where their imagination leads them - or not....thread Confused

RosesareSublime · 24/04/2015 22:48

people out there who care that their son may like to try on 'girls' clothes from time to time

I am thinking of midsummers nights dream and peter pan, fairy wings are not the preserve of girls, fairies are boys too.

Grin
RosesareSublime · 24/04/2015 22:48

or are they pixieies

TerryTheGreenHorse · 24/04/2015 22:51

I do apologise for my lack of "manly" dressing up options available to your son when I looked after him for you for free in an emergency.

I have immediately ran out and purchased a Burt Reynolds costume with chest wig. I am sure you will agree, he is a very manly chap.

MammaTJ · 24/04/2015 23:11

Glittery fairy temp tattoos next time

I am in a position to get some cheaply and post them to you. PM me your address!

ChasedByBees · 24/04/2015 23:14

It isn't too late to add a PS OP - perhaps something along the lines of not wanting to make your DD aware of gender stereotypes (sorry whoever made that point for not crediting properly).

This is your house. You don't have to go by her rules.

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