If you or your dp work away a lot, how often do you check in?

[LunacyPays]

My DH works away a lot. He goes abroad for a week at a time for about a third of the year. We have 2 dc and I am a SAHM. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most secure or confident person.

I have an ongoing struggle with my dp over him understanding how hard I find him going away. He will often not tell me that there is a trip coming up until the last minute. He never writes his trips in the diary. He rarely bothers to tell me where he is staying. He forgets to check in with me. We are constantly arguing about this and I always end up feeling like I am this needy unstable shrew.

We have had issues in the past where he has not been truthful about who he is going out with in the evening (female colleagues would get missed out from the list). He said he was doing this to avoid me being upset. I admit that I do worry about this.

He is away at the moment and we have argued again. He never let me know that he arrived safely. Dd was ill when he left, he never bothered to ask how she was doing. As usual, I feel totally isolated and forgotten.

AIBU to ask for clear details about his trips - when he is going/returning, that he check in with me and that he be honest about where he is? Or am I just a needy fucking nightmare?

We constantly check in. Because we both travel with work we need to know that the other is here for the children or arrange childcare. When we are actually away we usually try and call at least once a day, firstly so we can say good morning or good night to the children and a quick asking how their day went, and then dh and myself talk 10 mins if we can.

If away longer than a few days usually we have longer spare there so I or dh will call each other for a long 1-2 he catch up and General chat

We link all plans with a joint diary via iCloud so the other knows asap what's been scheduled

You are absolutely not needy, or a nightmare. It sounds like you don't trust your DH, and rightly so. Expecting to know when he is going away, and where he will be, is a totally reasonable requirement.

As for how often he checks in, I'd imagine everyone has different routines when away, but I'd expect some contact every day, even if it is just a text to say he's crazy busy.

My DH was abroad for 2 years, came back for a weekend every few weeks (one caveat... This was pre kids).

He let me know when he arrived back safely end spending a weekend at home.

We'd talk once every day unless one of us was out in the evening.

He would mention if he was going out so I knew we wouldn't be able to speak that night.

I didn't always know details about where he was going, or who with. Nor did I want/need to know.

He used to hide details from his ex wife.... Because they used to argue all the time about it and it was just easier for him to leave mentioning things until the last minute... Less time to argue.

Will knowing details of where he's make you feel better? Will it calm you down? Honestly?

We both travel often with work. Check in twice a day usually, morning and evening. A quick text is fine, will call for a chat occasionally but more likely to email.

We always clear travel dates with each other and it's all on the calendar. Can't imagine not knowing when he was coming or going - that's not needy at all.

We check in roughly every day, sometimes more than once, sometimes skipping a day

I'd say 1-2 times per day would be reasonable.

YANBU. Even DH and I, who're a bit rubbish about checking in with each other for our own sakes, would advise in advance about work trips and basically anything that takes us away from being there at bathtime. I don't think that's a neediness issue, that's a don't make me do lots of solo childcare without warning me issue. And anyway, if you like a checkin, you should get one.

Any chance you can engineer a reason to be away from home at short notice (at the weekend so he's available for childcare) so he can see what it feels like?

No not needy

Basic manners and caring on his part is needed here.

My dp works away and I would feel awful if he tried to treat me this way.

I travel quite a lot for work (and before ds, a huge amount).

I tell dh as soon as I have a possible trip - though as we both work this is important for childcare reasons - and a city location.

TBH, I never tell him where exactly, flight schedules as he's not bothered. He knows who to contact if he needed to know urgently for some reason.

I wouldn't tell him who I was going out to dinner with as it doesn't matter (and I don't know usually until we assemble).

Communication depends on the time zone and what I'm doing tbh. Sometimes I don't manage anything, though I always do a short text when I arrive.

My travel, at least as I can't speak for anyone else, is very full on and its rare for me to get any time to myself, and what I do (on waking or going to bed) is filled with doing the email I should be doing rather than being in meetings or whatever I'm doing. And I'll usually be totally knackered. I appreciate greatly that DH knows this and doesn't tell me anything bad that I don't need to know when I'm away (like ds is ill, my dad is ill etc) when I can't do anything about.

DH works away often and we'll text and chat in the evening. Occasionally we'll miss one another; if I'm out or he has an evening event we'll try and call or text to say goodnight.

I'm fine that he works away; the DC's and I are just so used to it, it almost doesn't feature, but we know in plenty of time if a trip is coming up and plan accordingly, and luckily, because it's his own company he gets plenty of holiday time to spend with us, too.

Unsure how I'd feel about someone who deliberately hid details from me. I'm generally very trusting but I'd be pissed off if DH deliberately dropped stuff on me last-minute, and inclined to make him sort his shit out.

I sympathise with you. My dh has periods of frequent travel, usually only for a couple of nights at a time, but sometimes for a week or a fortnight. On the whole, I would say I am confident being alone, but for one thing that overshadows my life: a phobia of vomit. I know it sounds crazy but when dh is away, I am terrified one of the children will be sick and I will have to deal with it alone. It is even crazier given that, even when dh is here, I am always the one to deal with any mess.

Anyway, at the moment, dh is rarely away and my youngest is now 12 so probably being alone with them would not be such an issue for me now.

The above may sound a bit irrelevant to you but I told you it to show that I understand where you are coming from. Dh often did not tell me in advance about his travel plans, but for a specific reason and I am wondering if your dh is not telling you for the same reason: he doesn't want you getting worked up about your forthcoming time alone? I know from the moment I knew a trip was in the offing I would feel anxious and depressed. Sometimes the time he was away was actually less stressful than the build up to the trip. Mind your dh be sparing you the anxiety?

I rarely knew where my dh was going either. It didn't really matter to me as I could always contact him on his mobile. Obviously, if he was going to another continent it was a bit more of a thing, but if he was somewhere in Europe, it didn't really matter where he was.

I didn't have the worry you have about who he was with as his trips were usually solo affairs or with one other male colleague. Do you have any reason to distrust your dh with other women? If he works with them at home, is there any difference to working with them away?

Re contact, I have to say I think your dh is slacking a bit. My dh, on the whole, would ring every night he was away, although I have to admit his calls weren't always welcome by me. But then, my dh was usually bored in the evenings, in a hotel room on his own. Apart from being taken out for meals, he didn't have much else to do. And yes, he would always ring if there was a specific ongoing concern, eg a child ill.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to want to know what you want to know and for your dh to make some regular contact with you. I do slightly wonder though why it matters so much to you where he is and who he is with.

DH checks in every day but time differences sometimes make it tricky. I've had to call him on it a couple of times though but usually he's pretty good!

However I rarely know where he is at any given time. I have no need to know. I have a very ad hoc local job and I doubt he knows where I am day to day either.

Checking in is non negotiable though.

My DP travels for work every 2-3 months. He tells me as soon as he knows, I know exactly where he's staying, he always tells me who else is going, always calls/texts to say he arrived safely (not always possible as soon as he gets there of course but always within a few hours) and when he gets back he always tells me about his trip. I have NEVER had to ask, not once. It all comes from him. And to be honest, I would expect nothing less. You live together, you have a child, of course you should know. What if something happens to him? Or there's an emergency? I can't blame you for feeling that way, I would too.
However, I have never been worried about female colleagues and have no problem with him going away. Maybe he finds that you always argue so is anxious about telling you? Still doesn't make it right and not telling you is the actual cause of the fight. And why are you worried about him going out with female colleagues? I'll be honest, more than half the people I work with are male, if DP would make a big deal out of it, I'd be seriously pissed off because a) he should trust me and b) it's 2015, we can't avoid working and socialising with the opposite sex.
Also, not asking how DD is doing if she's ill is quite bad.

Oh and it took a while to make him understand that we need notice of his trips. It was when I pointed out that it really unsettled the children if they didn't know.

My DH's job takes him away. When he's away we are in contact a couple of times a day via text (just a quick good morning or whatever) and a phone call/FaceTime in the evening, usually.

We generally synchronise diaries (!) every 10 days, updating the other if something unexpected comes up in the meantime. It works for us.

I don't think you are UR to ask him to be clear about where he is going, who with and how long for but it might not be possible for him to check in to say he has arrived safely straight away (signal issues, travel delays, he has work stuff to do at the other end that takes 100% of his attention, there could be lots of non-sinister reasons that make it difficult).

i think the DD's illness thing is a sign of how upset you are by the bigger issue of him going away and seemingly shutting off. I don't think it is necessarily, in itself, a sign of him being an uncaring person (assuming DD's illness is minor - bug, cold type thing).

Also I find adding our flight details and hotel automatically into diary when scheduling is easiest as then whoever is at home knows where they can phone in emergency if can't be reached on mobile as can at least leave message at reception, and then at a glance we can see if the other will be home in time for dinner/ in middle of the night/ or if leaving before everyone else if up

I would say that it depends where he travels to. My DH travels a huge amount, sometimes in Europe but frequently much further, so US, India, China, Brazil etc. He calls most days from Europe, but frequently can't from elsewhere just because of the time difference - when he is free, I am at work or asleep. He texts most days, but often if very time pressured he might text one only of me and DC. He is awful about remembering when he is going away though, sometimes I resort to ringing his secretary!

Thanks everyone, it's very reassuring to hear your comments. I feel like there is a basic lack of respect for my needs here. It sounds like most of you have got the framework that I feel like I need. Dates, hotel name and a daily check-in would be ideal.

I am aware that I need to work on my trust issues, but I do feel that would be helped if he was more reliable and open with me.

CMOTdribbler - your job sounds fairly similar t my DH. How often do you check in with each other?

We both travel with work.

Dates in joint diary as soon as known (or even just proposed)

Always share info on flight times.

Check in at least once a day (usually twice). Depends on time zone but generally try to call/FaceTime children at bed time.

Don't always get hotel details (but do if I specifically request).

Would never expect to get told who he was to out dinner with or their gender, although he will often relate a funny story or tell me about an amazing meal for example.

I think he should contact you once a day (unless he has non-stop meetings or something) and chat to you and DD on the phone.

In the pre-mobile phone days, I used to ask DH for the hotel details so if there was an emergency I could contact him (we once had to try and contact a family member abroad after a bereavement without this info!). Now we all have mobile phones I am not that concerned about getting an exact location for him but try to bear in mind time differences if I need to text him about anything.

He has rung up at some odd times of the day - very early or late - to speak to our DD. It is a pain always being the one at home sorting things out resentful and you can guarantee that he'll be somewhere with a 12-hour time difference when there is something important going on (like a house sale ...)

Your DH is away a lot. It's hard to say whether he is being evasive about the trips or avoiding telling you because it will cause rows. Neither of you want to spend a third of your time fighting. How old are your children? Could you plan a nice outing for the next time he is away, let him know you'll be doing this and then as soon as he tells you, put the trip in the diary? How do the children react when he's away?

Dumbledoresgirl - I sympathise totally with your phobia. I have a friend who has the same issue. She is a successful, confident woman, but it can totally dominate her life.

DH travels all over the world. Mainly Europe, but also US and India.

I think I have problems with trust because firstly, I am fairly insecure. I hate this about myself. At the beginning of our relationship, my dad died, he was my last living parent and I was in my early twenties. It was absolutely devastating. My DH, was generally supportive but would frequently go out on benders with his friends and just disappear until the next morning, no contact at all. Looking back, I realise he probably needed the release and was almost certainly with friends. At the time, I felt deeply upset that he couldn't contact me to tell me where he was and also that he couldn't find his way home at the end of an evening! I can't help feeling really worried when he goes away now.

I do feel that he could meet me half way here. I am aware that I need to work on my trust, but surely he could make it a bit easier for me?

Thanks Fizrim. The kid miss him when he is gone. He rarely calls to speak to them though I know he misses them. They are 9 and 11. I generally do try and plan nice things for when he is away. I think I just get stumped every time by the feeling that he has forgotten we are here.

My dh travels alot. Mostly Europe but often all over the world. He sometimes gets a months notice, often it's the week before and on occasion the day before.

He sends me his itinerary including flights and hotels (it's all one email). He often plans me in as the final leg of the journey so I get update emails automatically if he's delayed. He puts trips into a shared Google calendar. We skype when we can, message or Facebook often. There may be the odd day when I don't hear anything but usually because he was uber busy.

He's very good but it's taken a little training from me to get him to be so good

My DH is away for several weeks at a time. He actually always checks with me before confirming his travel dates. When away, he emails several times a day and we phone or skype at least once a day.
His consideration does a lot of soften the blow.

OP I really don't think it is you that is the problem here. It is quite reasonable to struggle to trust someone who won't be open and honest with you. Trust needs to be earned. It is not down to you to blindly trust him, when he won't tell you basic information about what he is doing. Of course you are never going to know where he is every minute of the day, but I can't think of a single good reason for him refusing to tell you the basics of what he is doing.