If you or your dp work away a lot, how often do you check in?

[LunacyPays]

My DH works away a lot. He goes abroad for a week at a time for about a third of the year. We have 2 dc and I am a SAHM. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most secure or confident person.

I have an ongoing struggle with my dp over him understanding how hard I find him going away. He will often not tell me that there is a trip coming up until the last minute. He never writes his trips in the diary. He rarely bothers to tell me where he is staying. He forgets to check in with me. We are constantly arguing about this and I always end up feeling like I am this needy unstable shrew.

We have had issues in the past where he has not been truthful about who he is going out with in the evening (female colleagues would get missed out from the list). He said he was doing this to avoid me being upset. I admit that I do worry about this.

He is away at the moment and we have argued again. He never let me know that he arrived safely. Dd was ill when he left, he never bothered to ask how she was doing. As usual, I feel totally isolated and forgotten.

AIBU to ask for clear details about his trips - when he is going/returning, that he check in with me and that he be honest about where he is? Or am I just a needy fucking nightmare?

DamnBamboo, I wouldn't be bothered if they were all going out for dinner. What had me worried was that they would often go out for drinks after and then end up in someone's hotel room drinking. It wasn't just a professional working atmosphere. And he wasn't always honest about who was there. I have already admitted that these things make me nervous. I can't be the only one. I am very glad for you that you are so relaxed and sorted.

OP I don't think you needed the bit at the end. It makes you sound petulant and needy. Why on earth should it upset you to spell out what YOU need? Your DH may not require the same level of information and is not a mind reader.

OP you do sound needy I'm afraid.
It's quite normal to go drinking when away on business and yes, sometimes it ends up with people going back to someone's room. It's not about it being a professional atmosphere (and I don't think it's unprofessional), it's about socialising with your colleagues if you get the chance to do so. What do you want him to do. Eat dinner wiht his colleagues and then go to bed? Sit in his room alone?

As long as it's not just your DH and one other person in a room, long after everybody else has departed, that is just life.

I do think you need to take stock of your behaviour here. If you know where he is and you communicate once a day, why is this such a big deal.

Thanks cingolimama, will bear the petulant and needy bit in mind.

Thanks for the advice and support people. I feel I have gone far enough with this.

When did he go away this last time? How long was it before he got in touch with you from when he left?

Can you share a google calendar so all flights/trips etc go into that?

And he wasn't always honest about who was there

They're his work colleagues presumably! Why do you care?

You don't trust the man, that is what this boils down to.

Sorry, Luna, didn't mean to sound harsh there. I think you can be direct about what you want without trying to make him feel guilty about not reading your mind. Just be clear.

I would echo what Damn says about the nature of business trips, which can be really intense. Tell yourself when you start to get neurotic thoughts about what he's doing - he's working.

I say YADNBU, OP.

It's all about agreement, isn't it? Your DH's evasiveness, and dare I say git-ishness in refusing to do something fairly simple and reasonably requested is creating a vicious circle of your discomfort and eroding your confidence.

DH works away Monday - Friday and we chat throughout most days (text) and he calls most evenings. We share a Google calendar too. Occasionally he'll have a mad busy day when he doesn't have time to draw breath and can't chat, but that's ok with me.

Sometimes he'll go out in the evening and be unable to call (or I will!) and that's fine too.

If I needed more contact, he would, because that's what a loving, thoughtful partner does, isn't it? Very, very occasionally I've needed that further level and he's provided it, calling at lunchtime or in exceptional circumstances coming home.

Your DH ought to be more thoughtful and kind to you, because you're clearly not fine with things at present.

you're clearly not fine with things at present

But you're assuming that he's being unreasonable though. And whilst from the OP says, he could improve his comms in this area, she could also do with improving her behaviour and better managing her own expectations too.

I suppose I just trust my partner. If he didn't ring me for a couple of days, I'd be worried about it rather than angry.

A cheater (and let's face it, that where the trust issues lie) is going to cheat regardless, worrying about it won't change that. I'd be very angry if my partner didn't trust me for no good reason. As a pp has said, it's very difficult to prove outright fidelity.

Another one here that thinks you are being a little bit needy.

Both my DP and I travel - me more than DP and mine is international, where as DP is more UK but still requires overnight stay.

We text in the morning and phone call or FaceTime in the evening but that's it really. I don't know what he gets up to, where he is going for dinner and me likewise. I don't tell him. Not because I'm hiding anything but because I don't need to tell him and he doesn't need to tell me.

Often travelling, you don't even know what you are doing until you actually leave the hotel. Or if you are at a drinks reception then a bunch of you, men AND women will end up going for dinner and perhaps drinks afterwards.

Why does it matter what he does? So what if a woman is there? If I was there (as the woman travelling for work) does that mean you don't trust me to try and jump him? If I'm a woman overseas I am clearly going to be misbehaving?

Trust me, travelling overseas by yourself can be fucking lonely and sometimes you just want a bit of idle chit chat over some food and couple if drinks. It's how colleagues bond. You don't want to sit in your hotel room by yourself when the only English speaking channel is the BBC World News or CNN

I love my DP dearly and trust him implicitly which is why I don't need to know his every movement and likewise him me. But then I guess it helps we always text each other saying "good morning" or " back from dinner, off to bed, love you"

We always ensure the other one knows the other one is going away but certainly that's it. None of this update every second and who I'm / he 's with and what he's doing.

But I agree it's mutual respect from both parties and you should be aware of when he is going

Sorry OP but you DH is an inconsiderate dick and I pick up undertones of lots of other stuff from your first post (lack of trust being the most obvious)

Serious words need to be had i'm afraid.

To be fair to the OP, I don't think the m ain issue is how often he calls or how much detail is given about trips, it is the history of lack of respect in terms of keeping the OP informed and being truthful etc.

The OP could be a bit needy, but surely if that was the case the kind thing would be for her DP to still give the basic courtesy of informing her of details in advance and being honest - rather than letting her know at the last minute/being evasive - and if he felt she was being too needy, tell her she's being needy and point out the fact he is giving her basic courtesy and respect and if she is still needy after that, it is her issue to deal with. But he's not even giving the basic courtesy, which further fuels neediness, and could perhaps be the cause of some of the neediness/mistrust in the first place?

My now-ex had the habit of, when we had plans, deciding to "just pop out to the shop" at the last minute - and would sometimes be right back but sometimes disappear for hours, not answering his phone. When he came back eventually I would be needy, and he would say he just fancied a walk/ didn't know in advance he would feel like going for a wander/ can he not even go for a walk without me going mad. When I would say to him about the dinners/plans ruined he would say "why I didn't just carry on myself", even though that was not the point of us having plans together! I don't necessarily think he was up to anything dodgy, I think he was being passive aggressive - didn't liked to being tied down to an arrangement, but instead of saying that would disappear, so he came back calm as a breeze and I was the needy one hassling him on the phone where was he and when was he coming back. Funnily enough, I have never been needy with anyone else in my life.

So, my point is, I think it's the lack of thought the OP's DP shows maybe, and maybe his evasive behaviour in the past has contributed to some of this neediness?

Prompted by this thread I just printed off all my flight and hotel info for my trip to Brazil and offered it to DH. He looked at me, bemused, and asked 'what am I supposed to do with this then?'

Hah Gently my DP would be exactly the same!!!! "Er thanks" would be the polite response from him!!!

It's not he doesn't care - he just doesn't feel he needs it

I think though, gently, if you have haven't had trust or respect issues in your relationship, there wouldn't be need for a level of detail. Whereas, if there has been evasive action in the past, you are always on tenterhooks waiting for it to happen again - that could be due to being needy, or it could be due to partner's previous behaviour.

I'm not usually a needy person, but due to ex having form for "popping out to the shop* in the past and not re-appearing for hours/sometimes the next day with no contact or prior warning, every time he was going somewhere I would be on edge and "where are you going/ when will you be back", whereas with other relationships this would not have been an issue, as they would have done fairly basic things like let me know if they were going somewhere/ when they would be back/ if they were going to be late. So, it just wasn't an issue and never crossed my mind.

He sounds incredibly selfish. Can't even ask after his sick child .

There's always an excuse from him isn't there? Nothing you are asking for is unreasonable.

Before we had DC i'd be lucky if i got 24 hrs notice of DH being away. But now with DC i have asked him to give me as much notice as possible! However normally i get about a weeks notice, sometimes 24 hrs...not his fault its just the way his company works. He always emails me his flight times and numbers, and normally (but not always) hotel details. We normally skype a couple of times so children can talk to him, normally he lets me know when he is leaving a country and when he is back in UK.
I dont think you are beining clingy or paranoid and if he has not always been straight with you in the past then that will add to your concern. Letting you know his flights and accommodation is just good manners and about safety.
Try and talk to him and explain your concerns to him, hopefully he will listen

yy thegreysheep. The OP's partner has form for lying, dropping bombshells, expecting her to fit in around his plans, not caring about her or his children. Trust issues in that scenario are not unreasonable.

YANBU at all. I travel globally regularly. As soon as I know a trip is coming up I tell DH (of course - we now have to sort any child care issues, why wouldn't I give as much notice as possible?). It goes into the diary. Flight and hotel and emergency numbers are in an email.

Once I am abroad I try to FaceTime (or in countries where blocked I look for alternatives) or call each morning UK time to say good morning to DH and DD. I like to FaceTime of any evening to say good night to DD and a call later to DH for a chat and catch-up. Sometimes time zones and meetings etc make this hard but not impossible and it is very important to me that those at home, especially DD, know I am only a call away. DD gets sad if I don't speak to her for a while.

When DH is away (not often) he does exactly the same. I don't really understand those people who don't connect with their families when they are away. I want to be involved in their lives and when I come home I am already up to speed with what they've been up to. It's all good.

Neither I nor DH tend to discuss who went to dinner with whom - we focus on the family, but then we don't have any trust issues re colleagues.

One last thing - I go to some great places and am fortunate that sometimes I can align the dates with school holidays and they can come with me - that's fab.