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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you or your dp work away a lot, how often do you check in?

96 replies

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 09:41

My DH works away a lot. He goes abroad for a week at a time for about a third of the year. We have 2 dc and I am a SAHM. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most secure or confident person.

I have an ongoing struggle with my dp over him understanding how hard I find him going away. He will often not tell me that there is a trip coming up until the last minute. He never writes his trips in the diary. He rarely bothers to tell me where he is staying. He forgets to check in with me. We are constantly arguing about this and I always end up feeling like I am this needy unstable shrew.

We have had issues in the past where he has not been truthful about who he is going out with in the evening (female colleagues would get missed out from the list). He said he was doing this to avoid me being upset. I admit that I do worry about this.

He is away at the moment and we have argued again. He never let me know that he arrived safely. Dd was ill when he left, he never bothered to ask how she was doing. As usual, I feel totally isolated and forgotten.

AIBU to ask for clear details about his trips - when he is going/returning, that he check in with me and that he be honest about where he is? Or am I just a needy fucking nightmare?

OP posts:

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 11:33

I know that I am a bit needy. But is it unreasonable to ask for this kind of communication? Maybe I could relax a little bit more if he could do these things that seem basic to me.

OP posts:

Baddz · 24/04/2015 11:39

What you are asking for is simple consideration and respect.
In your shoes I would feel upset he didn't enquire after your dds health.
But bottom line is you dont trust him.
And he doesn't respect you.

Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 24/04/2015 11:40

Love you are definatly completely right here.

My dh always works away, the nearest is London, we are in the midlands but he has been all over the world including a 6 months stint in Sydney.

We text, phone, skype throughout the day. He does the same with our kids. In fact my grown up sons text me every day to check in and say hi and they text their teen sisters. It's family life/support/love.

He is being incredible selfish, unfair, rude and dismissive.

you are not needy you are completely and utterly normal and he's an arse.

Idontseeanydragons · 24/04/2015 11:41

We have a diary 'meeting' once a week for work, appointments and school stuff. My idea and non negotiable since he started this particular job 5 years ago and would drop travel plans in my lap at the last minute.
We have phone calendars and a family calendar next to the door which everything goes into.
He travels on average once a month, sometimes overnight, sometimes for up to a week. If he's flying he gives me his flight number and I have the Flight Radar app - partly because I like the app anyway but partly to check his flight.
He'll check in when he's settled on arrival and will WhatsApp me or check in on FB generally once a day.

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 11:42

Ouch, Baddz, but I see what you are saying.

OP posts:

schoolclosed · 24/04/2015 11:47

I think you're right - I think you would be able to relax more if he communicated better. Pre-kids, DH and I would give each other little notice and less detail about work travel. My travel has been drastically curtailed since I had the kids, and DH's has increased. At first, he continued the old pattern (no info) but I found that it made me anxious. I wanted to know which flights he was taking and which hotel he was in. Now he forwards me his bookings, so I know when I can expect him to disappear and reappear, and where he is if I need him in an emergency. He's accepted that this is part of his parenting, really. In order to feel like we are parenting effectively, I need his contact details and whereabouts - otherwise I feel like I am parenting and he is opting out. When he's away I am doing all the work and taking on all the responsibility - all he needs to do is make sure that I could reach him in an emergency.

I wonder whether you'd be able to relax about his colleagues if you had that bare minimum?

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 11:48

Pyjamas, thank you. I think that he has been unaware and thoughtless. I also know that he loves me. We need to meet each other half way. I need to relax a bit, and he needs to help me. Clearly, I am never going to be the kind of person who waves him off, shuts the door and then forgets him - he could probably work that out for himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 11:52

Schoolclosed I think you are absolutely right. I just want to be able to relax. I want to feel like he is thinking of us when he is away.

OP posts:

BeachyKeen · 24/04/2015 11:52

DH is navy, he is often sent out with only a days notice (sometimes none) and can be gone a long time. He started off with leaving for 17 months (basic training and his first posting where they didn't move family) which was hard.
He is at sea now, should be home in a week or so.
We email whenever we get the chance, sometimes I hear from him three times a day, sometimes not for a week.
I only know roughly where he is, unless he is in port. I watch the weather for casts like a stalker.
When he can , he will Skype or calls.
It's hard, but it just is how it is.
I work full time, the kids are pretty much self sufficient by now, so it isn't the same struggle.
I did say no to the whole military thing when the kids were small.

CMOTDibbler · 24/04/2015 11:52

How often do I check in? If I am on east coast US, and not in back to back meetings, I might manage a call home once a day, but when its a conference that may not happen. West coast, if I have a late start then again I might get a call in, but its harder to manage.

Sometimes I will have more time - a customer visit in the UK means I have evenings free, or doing some actual work in one of the overseas offices may give me a break. But a conference (I was at one in Orlando last week) will mean I need to be in full makeup at 6.30 to be on the show floor at 7, the only break I'll get will be to literally run to the loo and back, off the floor at 6 or 7pm, then back out for dinner at 7.30. And I need to do my normal work as well, send emails about whats been discussed and so on.

chronicley · 24/04/2015 12:04

My DH works abroad for up to 3 weeks at a time. He tends to let me know when he's away in advance so I can put it in my diary, and he'll forward me emails with his flight number, but we don't tend to check in with each other much once we're away. He usually forwards me the name of his hotel but sometimes forgets, it doesn't bother me. I just check his flight online to know whether it's arrived safely, I don't get too anxious about it and I figure if anything serious happens it'll end up on national news anyway. He'll usually email once or twice when he's away but we don't like running up international phone bills and the time zone difference makes it awkward.

I don't go away as often as DH does, and usually it's for holidays not work, but I am same. I just want to go away and focus on what's happening there and not have to think about what's going on at home tbh. I think DH is the same, his schedule is quite intense when he's away. We are very sporadic with our communications in general, we only text/email/phone each other to make practical arrangements and we aren't even friends on FB.

Mistigri · 24/04/2015 12:12

I travel a lot for work. I would always make sure that DH knew my travel dates as far in advance as possible, though sometimes I have to travel at short notice. I'd give him my flight details but not necessarily the hotel.

It is very disrespectful of your DP not to inform you of his travel dates as soon as he knows them, and lying about what he's doing when he's away is really not on at all.

Re "checking in", I don't always "check in" every day - not always possible (eg parts of Africa with no mobile signal) and sometimes time differences make it difficult. But my OH knows that I pick up emails and check for texts so if he needs to speak to me I will always get back to him as soon as possible.

One thing I'd add is that a busy work trip can be very all-consuming - on my last trip I worked very long days and fitted 14 meetings, two site visits and six flights into 5 days. I try to keep my trips as short as possible but the flip side of that is that I am VERY busy when I'm away and quite honestly I don't have time to miss the kids or think about home very often.

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 12:24

This is what I have emailed DH. I don't really know what else I can say:

These are going to be the things that I need you to do for me when you go away:

Write all dates in the diary YOURSELF including departure and arrival times and hotel name.

Give me as much notice as possible.

Check in with me once daily. Especially to let me know that you have arrived safely.

Occasionally talk to the kids if you are away for longer than a few days. They miss you when you are gone.

Be honest with me about what you are doing.

If you could do these things for me - which I think are pretty basic - I might be able to relax a bit more when you went away. It upsets me that I have to spell this out for you.

Sent from my iPad

OP posts:

yearofthegoat · 24/04/2015 12:49

DH is away a lot and I work PT. He emails me details of his flights and hotel bookings and I put the dates onto the family calendar- an old fashioned one that hangs on the wall. He is away at the moment and texts most days. Every two or three days we will FaceTime. I am really not bothered who he goes to dinner with, though he generally tells me.

I remember twenty years ago, before mobile phones, DH went to the US and I didn't hear a thing from him from when the driver picked him up at the house until he arrived home two weeks later. We had small DCs, I was working FT and not impressed as he wasn't in the outback, the offices and hotel he was in all had phones. He hasn't done that again!

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 12:55

Yearofthegoat - sounds like you have it sussed - and a lovely laid-back relationship too!

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:09

We both travel a lot and to be honest neither of use check in that much when we're away, other than to speak with the kids.

Pre-kids, he was away all the time. Sometimes I would know the country but forget the location (town) and I never ever asked about the hotel. It's just not me to worry about it. I guess with mobiles, he can be reached wherever he is -although if there was an accident that wouldn't be true.

To each their own, but other than checking with the other, that it's ok to go away and that it doesn't conflict with any other major commitments (work or otherwise) we just get on with it.

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:12

What do you mean be honest with you about what you're doing OP?

Surely he's working!

Would you ask him to be 'honest' with you about work when he's not travelling

Purpleball · 24/04/2015 13:12

We use the Find My Friends app. Neither of us have anything to hide. I don't have to let DH know I've arrived as he can see it.
We text morning lunchtime and bedtime and speak early evening

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:14

I am shocked at how much contact people expect with their spouses when they work away!
It is needy! They are working.

Would you skype/text etc. 3 times a day if they were working at their normal place?

Original poster

LunacyPays · 24/04/2015 13:15

DamnBamboo - he has not been honest in the past. I explained earlier.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:16

Is that because you keep questioning him though.

What if he was honest the first time round and said that women would be there for a work dinner.

What would you have done.

Either you trust him or you don't.

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:16

Not asking about his sick kids is crap though

DamnBamboo · 24/04/2015 13:17

He said he was doing this to avoid me being upset. I admit that I do worry about this

What do you worry about? Him cheating on you?

Bonsoir · 24/04/2015 13:17

My DP and I have both been away from home a hell of a lot recently. We text and call several times a day, always.

sherbetpips · 24/04/2015 13:19

usually a good morning phone call, lunchtime call (often gets missed by either on of us) and a night, night phone call/update on the kids, etc.

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