If you or your dp work away a lot, how often do you check in?

[LunacyPays]

My DH works away a lot. He goes abroad for a week at a time for about a third of the year. We have 2 dc and I am a SAHM. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most secure or confident person.

I have an ongoing struggle with my dp over him understanding how hard I find him going away. He will often not tell me that there is a trip coming up until the last minute. He never writes his trips in the diary. He rarely bothers to tell me where he is staying. He forgets to check in with me. We are constantly arguing about this and I always end up feeling like I am this needy unstable shrew.

We have had issues in the past where he has not been truthful about who he is going out with in the evening (female colleagues would get missed out from the list). He said he was doing this to avoid me being upset. I admit that I do worry about this.

He is away at the moment and we have argued again. He never let me know that he arrived safely. Dd was ill when he left, he never bothered to ask how she was doing. As usual, I feel totally isolated and forgotten.

AIBU to ask for clear details about his trips - when he is going/returning, that he check in with me and that he be honest about where he is? Or am I just a needy fucking nightmare?

Toomuchtoold - the funny thing is, I did recently go away without him and made a point of not calling him, to see if he noticed. And he did! He sent me a text asking why I didn't call. If fact, when we were arguing last night, he brought it up as an example of how I can be just as unaware as him! Bear in mind that I have only done this once. It seems strange to me that he can be so unaware of how his behaviour makes me feel.

My partner regularly goes away (not abroad, but a plane journey away) for 4-5 days once or twice a month.
Usually texts when he gets landed safely, when he is stuck in traffic, gets to the hotel, what he's having for dinner.... I think he misses me and gets a bit lonely as we are very much together all the time. FaceTime with me and the kids morning and tea time, and about 100 texts if a child is ill (he has had Norovirus 7 times and is very paranoid/knowledgable about it! Obviously if he is out for dinner with colleagues etc, I don't hear from him, but usually get a few texts later. Generally don't hear from him during the day much, but he does check how they got on at playgroup.
Reading that back it makes him sound a bit needy, but he isn't! He knows our daily routine and just likes to be part of it even when he isn't here :)

Ineedausername - can I have your partner? He sounds perfect! Or maybe he could come and give DH some basic communication lessons.

Gosh if my dh was going out on benders and not returning all night, I might have trust issues too! You may well have very good reasons for feeling insecure, what with your dad's untimely death, but it sounds like your dh might have some part to play in your insecurities too.

I think you are entirely within your rights to sit your dh down and say you would like him to make contact with you every day he is away (long haul flights/very busy days excepting - though even then, how hard would it be to just send you a quick text?) If your children are missing him, maybe you could put it to him that they would like to speak to him about their day? My children generally didn't miss their dad when he was away - in fact, we always laugh about ds2 not realising dh was away on a 2 week trip until the day before he was due back! (this is not an indication that he has a bad relationship with the children, but just that, even when he is not away on trips, he still works long hours). If your dh could get into the habit of a routine call, say around 7pm, might that make you feel a bit less insecure? He owes it to you. As I always say to my dh, without your constant presence in the home, keeping things ticking over, being there for the children, your dh's trips would be a lot harder to arrange and manage.

I don't think you are being needy. We have found it hard to keep contact up with children when DH is abroad depending on time differences - but at 9 and 11 yours ought to be up late enough to work something out!

The lack of notice would make me incredibly angry though, he is just assuming that you will be there to watch kids and have no plans. That's not on.

DH and I chat throughout the day at work, when he's away we check in even more. First thing in the morning, during the day before bed. He really doesn't care that much for you to not bother. Yanbu.

And yes, he would let me know his flight arrived and be in touch most days.

DH always phones every evening. He sometimes doesn't tell me until the last minute that he is going somewhere (although he insists he has) and that does get annoying particularly as I work too. He generally lets me know where he is staying although with mobile phones/e mails it doesn't seem that necessary.

I wouldn't be happy about DH not being truthful about who he was going to be out with but on the other hand, I don't ask for a comprehensive list in the first place. You do sound a little possessive and mistrusting but it's hard to know whether you have good reason or whether it's just your personality.

husband works away monday -friday
we have a skype in the morning whilst we all get ready to go out, and he and We have an adult skype in the evening whilst we do something else, pop him on the surface whilst i tidy the kitchen and we chat for example.

Sometimes he skypes at bedtime so he can tell the kids a bedtime story for example.
This is all made possible with the tablet and wifi, wouldn't be half so much if it was a traditional phone call on or the desktop pc.

Wow he spends all day on skype, no wonder his contract is taking so long :)

But we don't check in when he gets there etc.

Dumbledoresgirl, I am going to have another conversation with him - I hate the fact that I am having to explain to him something that he should know by instinct - to me, it seems like basic caring and courtesy.

Marynary, i think I can be mistrusting but I do feel like DH has laid the groundwork for this with his past behaviour, although obviously, I need to move on. I have stopped asking him who he is with. I just cannot be bothered with that again.

I travel a LOT. For work. Mainly Europe but sometimes further afield - I'm off to Brazil tomorrow. DH, the kids and I iMessage frequently. Email also. I try to ring home once or twice a day but it depends on what I'm doing and time zones etc. I don't like it if I don't speak to them for a whole day though, even if we have imessaged all day. I do tell DH where in going, dates etc but I don't know why I bother because he never remembers.

dH goes away about once a month, usually only for one or two nights. I am a SAHM too. He usually says "oh I need to go to Munich in a couple of weeks" and I say ok, right, let me know when the date is confirmed. When the flights are confirmed (often a week or less in advance) he tells me the date and roughly times (ie will he be here to help get kids up or will he be leaving 5am). He doesn't tell me hotel details or flight details. I used to ask but he never did and it annoyed me. I don't think it was suspect, just busy.

When he's away I get, at best, a text a day (and very rarely, but if he's away for a week or something) some facetime for dd. I know he's away for work, so don't take it personally. He's busy. He will give me his full attention when he's home.

In fact I only get narky if he forgets to take the goody bag of toiletries from the plane / hotel. I love the luxury freebies, me loser

So I guess it depends on your relationship and what makes you feel secure and happy. If what he's doing isn't enough, can you find a compromise and be specific in your request "please can you text me when you land so I know you've arrived safely" and then relax? Easier said than done if you're an anxious person, I know.

It's so much easier these days. I remember the first time I went to NYC after (skme if) the kids were born, we found a map of webcams in NYC and I went and stood in front of one and phoned home on my top of the range actually worked in America mobile (back in the day most mobiles didn't) and he showed DD1 (who was a toddler) the webcam view - she could see me waving at her from Times Square while I talked in the phone. These days we can FaceTime from the comfort of our beds if we want to. I can't believe that was only 14 years ago. It seems like the dark ages.

DH is away a lot, sometimes at short notice.
We text constantly and try and call most nights. Do you have iPhones? Maybe other phones do this but I feel much more connected since we can FaceTime via hotel wifi- free and we hae group family text chats- so DD1 will text us all to ask who's home, DH will say not me, just going to gym before breakfast, DS will say he's lost his oyster, etc.
One thing we've never done and avoided a lot of stress is 'plane landed' texts, bad news travels fast- I will sometimes check on line to see if a planes landed out of interest but it's not a reflex.
Does he have a secretary? Or can you just ask him to cc you in to travel plans??

DP works away in the week. He shares his diary with me so I know what he has on, where he is staying and when he is travelling and how. We both have busy lives but will exchange emails about household stuff as needed and a bare minimum is a good morning or good night text.

I don't always look at his diary because we usually talk in the evenings anyway - it can be annoying when something is in there that hasn't been mentioned!

Everyday! I travel a lot and I miss them

Dh never tells me who he's with. I don't care. It's probably blokes (he works in a male dominated industry) but ultimately it's down to trust, right? I used to have a very very jealous boyfriend and the constant questioning was wearing. Whilst you can prove infidelity, it's harder to prove fidelity (I was faithful, but he didn't believe me). So this makes me very conscious of trusting dh to do what he needs to do and come home to us.

Ok, I'm going against the grain here and say, as gently as I can, that I think OP is a bit needy. I totally totally understand how difficult it is basically being single for much of the time if your DH travels a lot. But reading between the lines I feel you're too emotionally dependent on your DH.

My DH travels a lot in often difficult/dangerous circumstances - so it's not always possible for him to check in daily. Yes, I worry (a lot), but I just have to get on with it - see my friends, follow my interest in music and theatre, watch Poldark without embarassment, cook stuff DH hates - you get the idea. Have a life, a good life, apart from DH. And then when he returns, you don't feel you've been just hanging on.

However, I do think it's absolutely essential to know basic travel plans (flight details, hotel, and dates) before he leaves.

I don't work away, and don't have a DP.

He needs to make you aware of trips away as soon as he knows - or they are a possibility! This is just basic respect when you have children together. I would personally expect contact at least once a day (preferably a phone call, or skype when circumstances allow). I would also like a good morning text, and a goodnight one, but that's just my personal preference.

We have google calendar, so details all go on that. Usually sorts out his accommodation, hire car etc while he's sat on the sofa next to me and nights out are on the calendar. Get to see photos he takes or comments on while he's away on gplus if any are posted. Then we usually have a running series of emails back and forth when either of us get the moment and we googlechat if we're both online at the same time. (So all done over the internet. Dh knows I don't use mobiles that much.) Eldest will join in on chats if he's about. (Usually an exchange of mad emoticons / special effects.) Other 2 too young. But otherwise life carries on as normal without him.

Most days. Either he calls, or I do. Or text. I never ask where he's staying. There doesn't seem to be a need. I generally don't know flight details. Again, because I don't ask. I just like to know around what time he's expected to walk in the door.

I don't think it's your fault if you don't trust someone who is untrustworthy!

why assume he's untrustworthy, Imp?

I too think you're being a bit needy. Has he always worked away during your relationship or is this a newer development? I will say I'm probably affected by a horrible past relationship where the guy always needed to know where I was and who I was with and it drove me completely I insane, he also thought I was completely untrustworthy (wrongly) so I too would omit details of who I was socialising with. Not great, but I can understand why your DP does it.

My Dh works away - sometimes other side of the world for 2 weeks at a time.
It's a relatively new thing for us.
He gives me his flight numbers and a vague idea of where he will be. I sometimes get hotel info.
He tries to phone, but it can be tricky due to time zones.
He does text.
If our dc were ill he would text to see how they were.
I dont like it either and tbh I would perhaps not have had dc had I known that he would have a career change.
It's not needy to not want to be a single parent for months of the year!!
Your Dh sounds like an inconsiderate twat.