to expect anyone to actually have any answers - i know friends husband is playing away

[Charis1]

She thinks he goes away to work regularly, once or twice a month. He is actually with my cousin's other cousin. I saw him, and my cousin confirmed it. She doesn't know my friend, but she does know who her cousin on-the-other-side-of-her-family is living with, part time.

I suspected something before, and found out for sure a couple of days agao. My friend did say once, a few months back that she had asked her husband out right if he was having an affair. She said it in a jokey way.

This is a no win situation isn't it. I'm sort of asking if i should tell her or not, but I think I already know I won't be able to bring myself to say a word.

I think, given the link, you will have to. Otherwise, when if she finds out and makes the connection herself, she might feel doubly betrayed.

Is she a good friend that you see often? If so, you're not going to be able to look her in the face.

I didn't follow the detail of your post but on the assumption there's absolutely no mistake, then I'd tell her.

I'd give her as much detail as possible to enable her to properly challenge her husband.

She might shoot the messenger. He might convince her it's lies. But I could not look a good friend in the face and conceal something so central to her life.

I don't know how to. I really can't think of what to say or how to say it. I just can't imagine I'm going to be able to make the words come out of my mouth. I think she would be shattered. I feel really scared of doing that to her.

Tell her! She deserves to know.. If she finds out you knew then she will be very hurt by your actions. Do the right thing.

Yes, a good friend I see most days, we work in the same department and have children the same age.

you are right, I can't look her in the face at the moment.

You won't be doing this to her, her husband has caused this.

Tell her. You may lose her as a friend either way, at least you are doing the right thing.

I'm screwing up my courage to try to tell her tomorrow.

Stay out of it! just be there for her if and when she finds out and deny all knowledge.
I'd you tell her they will both turn on you

Tell her. I know it must be hard but she needs to know. My ex-h had an affair, I wish someone had had the courage to tell me and let me make my own decision on what to do.

The ow ended up telling me, but it hurt to know that others knew I was being made a fool of and let it happen.

If she already suspects something, which she must to have asked him, she may be grateful to finally have the solid proof she is looking for, instead of feeling like she is going mad.

Sorry, obviously my own experience is speaking here. Knowing helped me move on and put those terrible years behind me.

S what if she turns on you. That's her decision. By not telling her you are making her into a fool who can't make choices. That's not right, IMO

Tell her, she won't like it but in the long run she will respect you for it.

You could always start by saying "you know you asked dh if he was having an affair..."

Or else just go straight for "I saw your dh with someone I know..."

But tell her.

Thanks minkgrundy, that is really helpful. I can see I should, I just hope i find the courage to go through with it. I feel shaky just trying to plan it.

Yarp

S what if she turns on you. That's her decision. By not telling her you are making her into a fool who can't make choices. That's not right, IMO

That's the crux I think. Good point yarp

Do you want to be the friend who knew and said nothing or the friend who told her. The friend who knew and said nothing is a friend nobody needs, they are happy to let you be gas lighted and made a fool of.

The friend who tells you is a good friend. Things may be strained for a while. Once the dust settles she will appreciate and respect you telling her.

I'd go mad if I thought a friend knew I was being cheated on and chose not to tell me. Tell her, let her handle it however she sees fit, don't raise the subject ever again.

You might not feel better, but you'll know you can't ever be accused of colluding or hiding information.

I think you'd be doing her a favour and being a proper friend if you told her.
I'd be absolutely gutted if my good friend knew my dh was having an affair and didn't tell me.
I'd just start with 'I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I have to you, you're my friend and i can't not tell you..' Type thing.

As hard as it is, if you're her true friend, you need to tell her. Horrible position for you to be in though - so sorry for that. All the best.

Look be straight. Tell her I saw your husband with x about x weeks. My cousin x confirmed my suspicions. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I wouldn't be a food friend if I didn't.

Tell her.

Do you see outside of work, because I wouldn't tell her whilst you are both at work.

if you did decide not to tell her, you are colluding in the deceit, you are allowing her DH to pull the wool over her eyes - in her eyes you are laughing at her, thinking maybe she deserves it, not thinking her friendship is worth enough to you to want to intervene, not thinking she deserves better treatment.

I had to do this at 18 when a mutual friend saw our friends OH with another woman. I told her, she had it out with him, he bluffed his way through it and convinced her we were wrong. He even had the nerve to demand to speak to me on the phone and try and pour the charm on me too. He was a scumbag, she found out several months later we had been right and she really appreciated what we had tried to do to tell her.

yes, we are taking our children out on Saturday.

It might be better to try and catch her after work tomorrow when the children are not with us.

Definately don't tell her at work.