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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect anyone to actually have any answers - i know friends husband is playing away

89 replies

Charis1 · 23/04/2015 21:36

She thinks he goes away to work regularly, once or twice a month. He is actually with my cousin's other cousin. I saw him, and my cousin confirmed it. She doesn't know my friend, but she does know who her cousin on-the-other-side-of-her-family is living with, part time.

I suspected something before, and found out for sure a couple of days agao. My friend did say once, a few months back that she had asked her husband out right if he was having an affair. She said it in a jokey way.

This is a no win situation isn't it. I'm sort of asking if i should tell her or not, but I think I already know I won't be able to bring myself to say a word.

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 25/04/2015 10:51

So hard for you but you're doing the right thing, so remember that.

Shockers · 25/04/2015 13:26

I wonder whether the utter bastards that do this sort of thing realise the extent of the damage they cause.

My friend was the one who gathered the courage to tell another friend that her husband had spent the night with another woman (witnessed by all of the husbands in their social group), and as a result she was ostracised. The woman she told was absolutely awful to my friend, even to the extent of going into school to complain that friend's child was bullying hers, to keep them apart. Her stupid husband got away with his infidelity, while my friend was pushed out of her social circle because she had made things awkward Hmm.

I think she would do it again though... she felt her 'friend' had the right to know.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 25/04/2015 13:31

shockers witnessed by all the husbands?? - so they all thought it was fine? Their poor wives!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/04/2015 13:39

Your decision of course, but I agree with the PP to at least consider speaking to HIM instead ... tell him you know, that you expect him to tell her himself (in a given timescale) and that if he doesn't, you'll have to

At least this way you'd have done everything you could to keep the problem where it needs to be

OurGlass · 25/04/2015 13:42

What an awful situation!

WizardofSnoz · 25/04/2015 13:46

I think the done thing in these situations is to speak to the partner and ask tell them they have to come clean otherwise you will tell their partner.

But honestly in a situation with this level of deception where he is essentially living a double life and has another home elsewhere you really can't be expected to hope he will be honest either with you or her.

You're doing the right thing telling her.

billyokey · 25/04/2015 13:53

Its so hard but you do need to tell her. I found out through the grapevine once that my best friends DP had cheated on her. I knew from various details that it was 100% true. I told him he had to tell her or I would, and made sure he knew o was deadly serious. He told her, but he also told her about my ultimatum! She's still my best friend, and she thanked me for making him squirm!

RudeBarbandCustard · 25/04/2015 14:02

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

I would hate to think my DH was playing away and my friend knew and didn't tell me. You're not gossiping or spreading rumours, you're just telling her what you know.

I hope you can tell her you'll be there to support her no matter what she decides to do with the information.

Good luck.

YouBetterWerk · 25/04/2015 14:09

As hard as it will be OP, I'm glad to see you are telling her. It is absolutely the right thing to do.
Good luck Flowers

Shockers · 25/04/2015 14:16

PHANTOM, my friend's husband was apparently the only one who was appalled enough to tell his wife to tell her friend. If the others had mentioned it to their wives, the women didn't let on. Friend was shunted out to keep it quiet, I suspect.

Once lust is involved, people become really egocentric. Their right to happiness/a shag, trumps the feelings of anyone who may be affected... be it partners, children, friends, family...

I hope your friend realises what a great friend you are OP.

IHeartRosPoldark · 25/04/2015 15:28

You are doing the right thing, I would Always want to know....You are a really good friend!

Favouritethings · 25/04/2015 17:44

Good luck op, a tough conversation ahead of you Flowers

Painfulbits · 25/04/2015 18:08

I would send an anonymous e-mail or post an anonymous letter.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 25/04/2015 18:10

Painfulbits

I would send an anonymous e-mail or post an anonymous letter

I wouldn't.

easy for the husband to convince wife it's someone acting out of spite.

If the wife DOES believe it, it would be awful for her wondering who sent it, who knew? More pain.

maliaki · 25/04/2015 18:16

Good luck OP, you are doing the right thing.

FantasticRik · 25/04/2015 18:28

Good luck OP. Awful situation to be in but if it was me whose DH was cheating, I'd want to know.

You're doing the right thing

stircrazyinthecountry · 25/04/2015 18:30

Take it from someone who knows. She won't believe you and you won't be thanked. If I had to do it again, I would get the cold hard facts together (yes stalking will be involved) and give her no wriggle room to disbelieve me. How much effort you put into proofing him to be the rat he is will depend on how much you care about your friend.

In that case, it all came to a head 4 years later when friend got a call to ask if she knew that her dh was in a room at the local premier inn with his dw.

AlpacaMyBags · 25/04/2015 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 25/04/2015 20:00

anonymous letter is a dreadful idea. It gives the DH the immediate rebuff "oh thats probably from the mad cow who tried to get off with me in the pub the other day and I told her where to go" or just "probably someone got the wrong address or playing a sick prank"

Iwasbornin1993 · 25/04/2015 20:02

You may well have already by now OP but definitely do tell her. It's her H who will be the cause of her devastation, not you. The last thing she needs is another betrayal from a friend and if I was in her position I'm sorry but I would take it as a betrayal if you didn't tell me. Good luck OP.

Hissy · 25/04/2015 20:34

Thinking of you, as I know how you have agonised.

Thinking of her too, because nobody should have to hear that about the person they married.

Original poster
Charis1 · 25/04/2015 21:13

well, it didn't go well, but it is done now.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 25/04/2015 21:19

In what way?

oneowlgirl · 25/04/2015 21:20

So sorry to hear that Op, but you've done the right thing & hopefully she'll come to realise what a good friend you are.

BathTangle · 25/04/2015 21:21

I think you have done the right thing Flowers

I hope in time your friend can see that.