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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect anyone to actually have any answers - i know friends husband is playing away

89 replies

Charis1 · 23/04/2015 21:36

She thinks he goes away to work regularly, once or twice a month. He is actually with my cousin's other cousin. I saw him, and my cousin confirmed it. She doesn't know my friend, but she does know who her cousin on-the-other-side-of-her-family is living with, part time.

I suspected something before, and found out for sure a couple of days agao. My friend did say once, a few months back that she had asked her husband out right if he was having an affair. She said it in a jokey way.

This is a no win situation isn't it. I'm sort of asking if i should tell her or not, but I think I already know I won't be able to bring myself to say a word.

OP posts:
StrongAsAnOx · 23/04/2015 22:23

Imagine she is you. What would you want her to do if the tables were turned. Then you will have your answer.

MammaTJ · 23/04/2015 22:29

You need to tell her and cousin needs to tell her cousin too!

QOD · 23/04/2015 22:32

Ugh. Very difficult

Original poster
Charis1 · 23/04/2015 22:33

I think the other woman knows she's the other woman. From what my cousin says.

OP posts:
Galrick · 23/04/2015 22:37

I did it. They were engaged with a wedding (and associated UK residency) imminent. I started with "There's something I have to tell you. You won't like it, and I won't blame you if you shoot me as the messenger. But I won't forgive myself if I don't tell you, and you won't forgive me if you find out later."

By that time she had a pretty good idea what might be coming Grin

We stayed friends and she thanked me. In your case, since you know the OW as well, I think I'd giver her contact details so they can compare notes if they want.

Good luck! Flowers Flowers

HowDoesThatWork · 23/04/2015 22:59

Galrick,

That intro was first rate. Well done.

Galrick · 23/04/2015 23:01

Thanks!

WilburIsSomePig · 23/04/2015 23:44

I saw my friends DH with another woman in a pub with his hand up her skirt. I told him that if he didn't tell her within 24 hours then I would. He didn't and I told her. It was awful and the worst thing that I've ever had to do.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 23/04/2015 23:48

You absolutely have to tell her.

A distant friend of mine found out that her dp had had numerous affairs. Turned out that a lot of her close friends had known about one or other of them, but not said anything. She was more heartbroken about that than anything else.

Fatmomma99 · 24/04/2015 00:01

Don't initially tell her - tell him!

Tell him what you know and tell him to tell her (with the threat that you will if he doesn't).

It's best coming from him.

And then (after a time limit that you've set) tell her. And then you can do it from a stance of his cowedness, as well as his infidelity.

Win win for your relationship.

Poor woman!

MagicMojito · 24/04/2015 00:16

Yes you really have got to tell her. She probably already knows, she just doesn't know that she knows.

I think once you suspect something enough to actually ask outright (even in a jokey way) what's going on, that feeling doesn't go away just because it gets denied.

kali110 · 24/04/2015 02:05

Goodluck op, awful position to be in.
You have to tell her though can understand why you're scared!
Yes she maybe mad and never speak to you again, but If you didn't what if she found out you'd known all along?she may never forgive you for that.
What would you want? As much as it would hurt i think i would want to know.
You sound like a good friend, hopefully she will remember that.
Just try to support her.
She may not want to speak to you after, hopefully you can leave the door open for her if that happens Smile

CosmicForce · 24/04/2015 02:22

I had to tell a friend this, and our friendship suffered and was difficult for a year or so afterwards, but is great now (they worked it out and he has been great since...even with me), and then my friend herself was faced with the same dilemma when she knew her friend's husband was cheating. In fairness she told her friend, and their friendship is suffering as her friend and husband are working it through, but my friend isn't sorry she told. She knew she had to, as I did with her.

If you know, and you don't tell, you are effectively enabling the affair. Do her a favour and put the ball in her court. She may struggle to look you in the eye for a long time whilst she is sorting out her marriage or leaving him, but in the future she will be grateful, and she will know you did the right thing, as will you, even if it doesn't feel like it for a long time.

CosmicForce · 24/04/2015 02:24

I meant in the first scenario that my female friend is now fine with me, and so is her husband.

NoPillows · 24/04/2015 02:28

Tell her.

I suspected something before, and found out for sure a couple of days ago.

That sentence is critical. This isn't hear say or something you discovered via the grapevine, you claim to now be sure.

You'd be better of losing the friendship if she turns against you or decided to take him back than rob her of the opportunity to make her own decision about her future. She is also friend, not a random woman you know through a friend of a friend and owe nothing to.

IMO these are the sorts of circumstances that define a true friend, one willing to tell the truth and deal with the fallout. It might bring you closer, equally it might push you apart but to know that you would let a person who you claim to be a friend live a lie doesn't sit well.

I already know I won't be able to bring myself to say a word. But the fact that you posted here asking for advice means there is at least a small part of you that knows you would be able to say something. And you have said that you can't at present look her in the eye.

Tell her. And your friendship means that if she needs a shoulder to cry on you'll be there and if she turns against you then you did all you could to allow her to make her own decision.

my2centsis · 24/04/2015 03:47

You know what you have to do op. Goodluck

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/04/2015 05:47

Good luck! I think you're in a very difficult situation as others have already said.

The only caveats I would have:

Are you as sure as you can be re OW?

Are you sure they don't have some sort of open relationship?

Has your friend, in passing, mentioned stuff that would lead you to believe she would be someone who would want the 'honest truth' ? I recall as friend of a friend in similar situation - she was so anxious about detonating this information, only for the wife to explode-their friendship never recovered... She wanted to remain happily in the dark, rather than to have it confirmed/or have her 'nose rubbed in it'.

Horses for courses.

SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 24/04/2015 05:57

I gave a friends partner a deadline to confess when I discovered he had slept with another woman. He told her and they worked it out and 8 years down the line are blissfully happy, she knew I knew but thanked me for allowing it to come from him. It was awful but I couldn't have let her be made a fool of further.

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 24/04/2015 06:03

Is she a good friend that you see often? If so, you're not going to be able to look her in the face.

I didn't follow the detail of your post but on the assumption there's absolutely no mistake, then I'd tell her.

I'd give her as much detail as possible to enable her to properly challenge her husband.

She might shoot the messenger. He might convince her it's lies. But I could not look a good friend in the face and conceal something so central to her life.

I have had to do this. I didn't do it lightly, but I felt backed into a corner.

I'd always rather keep out of it and hope that things sort themselves out quietly and without any need for drama, and they often do. More people already know about their partner's affairs than they let on and they prefer to deal with it in their own way and in their own time. We shouldn't assume that everyone will be grateful to be told.

But once you are dragged into it by association and other people know you know, it gets complicated and fraught with risk and it's pretty difficult to disassociate yourself. If you get to the stage where you find yourself having to tell lies and constantly worry about what your side of the story should be, then fuck it - why should you be put in that position to cover for someone else's wrongdoing?

It's never an easy decision and I always think it should be looked at on a case by case basis rather than having a blanket rule of Tell or Don't Tell, but generally if it is a good friend you spend a lot of time with and when she finds out there is a good chance she'll also find out that you knew, I'd have to tell her.

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 24/04/2015 06:12

Garlic's intro was great and that's pretty much what I said to my friend too. It was awful, absolutely awful - I worked myself up into such a state over it, but in the end I was just confirming what she already strongly suspected. I just handed her the evidence on a plate.

I am also quite keen on somehow getting a message to him. It can be anonymous if that is easier for you. You could just say that he has been found out and that you would like to give him the chance to really think about the consequences of what he is doing and to give him the opportunity to do the decent thing and end it, or if that is not an option to tell his wife himself and nothing else will need to be said. But say that you will know whether he has taken your advice or not, and that you are not prepared to lie indefinitely or keep up the pretence to his wife in order to cover his arse.

The ball is in his court then. If you are forced to tell her after a couple more weeks then he will only have himself to blame.

Original poster
Charis1 · 25/04/2015 07:24

well, I tried to speak to her as we walked out of work last night, but she was so bouncy and excited about the weekend I chickened out. I'm seeing her later today. I'm going to do it then.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 25/04/2015 07:44

You can't tell her when the children are there!

chrome100 · 25/04/2015 07:52

Of course you should tell her! Why would you not?!

Original poster
Charis1 · 25/04/2015 07:57

I won't tell her when the children are there. I will tell her today. Maybe tonight when the children are in bed.

OP posts:
minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 09:14

Oh poor you OP having that hanging over you all daySad but you are doing the right thing and I hope it goes well.

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