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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is it just because it's my pfb?

113 replies

UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 15:30

Messaged DH at 11 to say DS was unwell. He read it at 1215. I know he has had meetings all day but they were supposed to finish early and he said if they did he was going to go to the gym on the way home. I've checked to see where he is now and he is at the gym.

AIBU to be pissed off he hasn't called /messaged to find out how DS is?

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 23/04/2015 17:01

Less of a drip feed more a tidal wave, sooo OP this is not normal behaviour from either of you, I think you have bigger problems than not replying to a text, your in an abusive relationship with a man that avoids his own kids when they are ill and blames you. Not healthy for your children.

Original poster
UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 17:06

Tracking with permission - his idea. I know it's stalkerish! Got to sort DC food/bed now. Will answer properly later.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 23/04/2015 17:19

Tracking somebody really isn't odd at all. Phones are brilliant now. If I need to know where dh is (if kids are asking or if im waiting to dish up dinner etc.) Then instead of typing out a text and then sitting there and waiting for a reply, I can just check the app and get on with the stuff that needs doing!

Yanbu, even from the first post before your updates id say yanbu. If I text dh something to do with the kids health (however minor) he'd still always text back a message. Just to show an interest/ that he cared/to be supportive .

With your updates though, it sounds like this is the least of your worries Flowers

shewept · 23/04/2015 17:19

But why would he suggest it?

diddl · 23/04/2015 17:24

"I messaged him because he gets angry with me if he comes home and finds the DC are ill, so it was to give him time to get used to the idea! "

So you were just informing him & no response was needed imo.

The fact that he blames you for taking them places that they get ill though!

Could just as easily be him bringing stuff back from work or the gym!

Hakluyt · 23/04/2015 17:29

Dp and I have that tracker thing on our phones- because we found it entertaining for a while- we'd text each other saying "look where I am!" It word off quite quickly- but I occasionally check to see where he is because I have the car during the day and pick him up from the station in the evening. It's sometimes useful to know whether he's left work or not.

EauPea · 23/04/2015 17:36

I imagine he suggested it as the app needs to be installed on both phones in order to work. The main aim being he can track her and then use it against her when the dc's get ill or his dinner isn't on the table on time.

Topseyt · 23/04/2015 17:43

Blaming you because your kids have picked up bugs is quite simply beyond twatty.

Kids pick up bugs. You can't stop it happening and it is how they build up their immune systems.

In all honesty, he begins to sound like an arse.

shewept · 23/04/2015 18:51

Jesus assume much?

Original poster
UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 19:33

He suggested it because of meal times etc. He said he would let me know if he wasn't going to be home at X time and then a several tones he didn't. After once when he was over 90 mins late and I was worried (commute, busy road with frequent accidents, snow) he suggested it. Then I could check if he had left before I started cooking dinner so I could one it for when he got home/know whether to feed DS separately etc. Now I use it to know whether or not to give in to DC's snack/TV requests! There were a couple of instances of complaints I'd been e.g. in a coffee shop/at playgroup but I just used to turn it off and I don't think he bothers any more. Just uses it to find us if I've taken DC out and they are refusing to walk home.

I absolutely do not expect him to read or answer texts when he is at work. So it is more practical because I don't like to call him either at work or if there's a chance he is driving. Nor could he answer a message. It's more that he had finished work and was at the gym (which I suppose I see as being his "free" time rather than scheduled appointments) that annoyed me.

The last evil cold they got even he had to admit was from MIL Grin

OP posts:
EauPea · 23/04/2015 20:20

There were a couple of instances of complaints I'd been e.g. in a coffee shop/at playgroup but I just used to turn it off and I don't think he bothers any more. Just uses it to find us if I've taken DC out and they are refusing to walk home.

It's a stick to beat you with op.

bunnyhipsdontlie · 23/04/2015 20:36

He sounds abusivbe and controlling. You really need to face this issue. Fast.

butterflyballs · 23/04/2015 20:50

He gave you a hard time for taking the kids to playgroup?

Does he dislike you having friends?

TheMagnificientFour · 23/04/2015 21:21

Hold on.
So he can't be bothered to let you know he will be late (as any other normal person would do, not the at least because they know their partner is worried, it makes harder to plan etc...) so you have to check what he is doing?
As in , he is doing whatever the f** he wants wo telling you or asking you if it's ok and you just have to accept it and 'make do' with an app that tells you if he is going to be back home on time or not ? ShockShockShock

And then he is using it to check where you are just to be able to have a go at you...

Uncertain, how often he is telling you what to do, making jugdements on what you with your dc or when you are at home?
How often is he actually takinmg you into account when he is making plans? Is it always a 'well I'm doing that and you'll just have to fit in.' type of scenario?
How controlling is he of what you do? Does he also control finances for example?

Idontseeanydragons · 23/04/2015 21:23

This is actually sounding a bit scary. He has tracked you to a coffee shop and complained at you about it?
What would happen if you challenged him to his face about it being hugely inappropriate?

SisterMoonshine · 23/04/2015 21:30

There's going to be more to annoy you in a relationship where your tracking each other and checking what time texts are read.

SisterMoonshine · 23/04/2015 21:31

I mean, it all just sounds a bit tit for tat.

BoyScout · 23/04/2015 21:59

Why would he complain about you being in a coffee shop or at playgroup? Don't get it.

PatriciaHolm · 23/04/2015 22:03

Have you actually read everyone's responses, OP? What with this and the comment on your other thread that "DH gets quite pissed off with me if I let her sleep during the day. " he's sounding more of an arse by the minute.

Original poster
UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 22:19

Settling in for the night watch now, I guess DS will be up in the night and I shall be setting the alarm to check on him (is that weird?). It was right when he first started suggesting I use it that he mentioned it.
I'd said I was meeting a friend and her child, but hadn't told him it would be in the coffee shop that kind of thing, but a few years ago now. He did get a raised eyebrow and has not done it (or mentioned it) again. It's less of an issue now, DS is at school so I tend to be in the same place most of the time.

He doesn't often tell me what to do, he will ask me to do something if it needs to be done whilst he is at work. There are sometimes comments about the lack of housework, but generally not. It's when things go out of routine like two weeks of holidays, excellent weather, out of the house practically every day (=good thing) but also had the result I've not done the cleaning/washing. He has also recently experienced how quickly the DC can make a mess so is a bit less critical at the moment.

Depends on the activities. He will say he's off for a run/bike ride/gym and then go. But we do try to do one thing together each day at the weekend, like take DC for a walk/swim etc. He's not controlling of activities, often we ask the DC what they want to do and let them choose. Not sure what you mean about the finances, he earns the money, I'm a sahm, have a joint account and I tend to buy the food etc on my card, larger things go on his.

OP posts:
Mamiof3 · 23/04/2015 22:23

Unless it's urgent and you were packing your stuff to go to A & E I wouldn't be too bothered

Mamiof3 · 23/04/2015 22:25

Also don't wake yourself up to check on your Ds he will wake crying probably, don't deprive yourself of sleep!

Original poster
UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 22:29

Really? He has a temp of 39.6 at the moment although he is fast asleep. I shouldn't go and check him again in a couple of hours? (He has a habit of pulling the duvet over his head and getting himself far too hot anyway)

OP posts:
Mamiof3 · 23/04/2015 22:35

No no by all means check on him but I don't think you should be setting hourly alarms or anything!! Maybe read for a bit, check on him at midnight, then get yourself some kip! Or do what I do and bring them in bed with you, but I'm sooo lazy Grin hope he feels better soon and obv do what you need to do re checking etc, sometimes the 'spidey senses' tingle don't they, and you just have to check up!

Original poster
UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 22:43

Am on a mattress on the floor outside his room! I don't want to go into his bed in case DD wakes. Plus which he sleeps like a demented octopus wearing cement shoes. Last time he had a nightmare and asked for me to go in with him I was happily almost asleep when he punched the pillow out from under my head and knocked it onto the floor Shock

I was going for 2 hrly alarm

OP posts:
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