To be sad and angry about being in a sexless (but otherwise happy) marriage?

[UtterlyCrushed]

Background:
I've name changed but I'm a regular (pan pipe elf, sad weebl pillowcase, lemon drizzle cake).

We're both 32. We've been together for six years, married for three. We have a lovely one year old baby, he works in the city and I did but am now a SAHM. He is kind, sweet, my best friend and perfect for me in every way but one: we never have sex. I want to, he doesn't. God, even writing that makes my tummy churn.

To be honest our sex life has always been lacking. Even when we first met, I knew I wanted to marry him but I always wrote off the fact that he was never interested in sex as being down to us being too busy / stressed etc. We had sex on average every two to three weeks for the first year or so and it rapidly dwindled to once a month and then once every couple of months.

At the time of writing, we've had full sex twice in the last twelve months. Both times I initiated it. Before we got married we did discuss it once or twice. He always assured me that he found me attractive but said that he just had a low sex drive overall. The day (about a year in) that I accidentally found a porn image of two naked women on his phone I nearly ended the relationship. Not because I'm anti-porn but because I was crushed that he was obviously masturbating whilst I lay rejected and lonely in the bed we shared. He maintained that he had no idea how it had gotten onto his phone and I felt utterly devastated that this man that I loved and desired was lying to me. He obviously had an interest in sex, just not in sex with me.

I do believe he loves me, we have so much fun together, we have a great family life (he's a marvellous father and romantic, generous and attentive husband) but the complete absence of sex is beginning to take over. We discussed it before our wedding. I was very candid about not wanting a sexless marriage and said we should wait until it was resolved. He told me it was down to stress and it got better for a short while but then reverted to type. I don't even remember having sex more than once on our honeymoon! We discussed it again a few months ago and he said he'd see a doctor to see if it was anything physical (which I doubt as he still masturbates). But he hasn't done anything about it at all. Last night we were watching a show where a happily married couple were flirting (which led to sex) and I suddenly couldn't bear it.

Discussing it is humiliating because it basically feels like I'm begging him to want to touch me. He says he isn't having an affair / addicted to porn / seeing hookers / gay and I want to believe him but can't. That is, I do believe he isn't cheating on me but I'm assuming it's probably porn. And then he looks at me with sad eyes and says how much he hates to make me miserable. I know it upsets him that I'm unhappy. But I feel like he's apologising for not wanting sex with me which loops us back to humiliation. Somehow the fact that he insists he fancies me and that it's all circumstantial makes it all worse. Surely there must be something wrong, and I'm assuming that something is me? Why won't he talk about it? I've told him that it makes it worse for him to pretend it's not caused by anything but he insists nothing is wrong. Or am I totally wrong, is it possible that he genuinely isn't bothered about sex. He says he masturbates in the shower, not to porn, about once every six weeks.

The humiliation of being repeatedly rejected by a man I adore, for years on end, is something I've stifled for a long time. The fact that we're more like housemates than a married couple breaks my heart. I miss the intimacy that I know can come from a healthy and happy sex life and the thrill of being naughty with someone I love. It's starting to be awkward when we see people on TV having sex. And I miss being desired. When we got together, I was told I was "girl next door" pretty, I was slim and fit and took a great deal of pride in my appearance and men used to flirt with me all the time. But over the last two years I've put weight on which has made me even more depressed. He is sad to be making me unhappy but he is happy with the amount of sex we have.

The weirdest thing is that if it was medical (if for example, chemo made him impotent), it wouldn't matter in the least. It's the fact that he masturbates rather than having sex with me that breaks my heart.

So judge me. Everything else is perfect: I cannot contemplate ever being happy without him in my life because he is my heart and my best friend, I love him more than anything and we have what appears to be a charmed life so I suspect I'll be flamed for making a fuss about this. AIBU to be increasingly unhappy with this sexless situation? What do I do?

[ALittleFaith]

OP I really feel for you, we had similar issues. Unfortunately it was while we were TTC! It becomes such an issue where you never feel you can initiate sex because of the fear of being rejected. DH would also lose his mojo during at times.

We had fertility issues - how long did it take to conceive your DC by the way? - and it turned out DH had a low testosterone level caused by a growth. He got medication and it resolved. Now his sex drive is back to a 'normal' level. I would push him to get checked out by a doctor. However if he's refusing, it is a very difficult situation. I'll admit it (amongst other things) pushed us almost to breaking point. Counselling helped us work things through.

[UtterlyCrushed]

I guess we were lucky with our baby as I got pregnant the first time we tried. I can't imagine how he thinks we'll have another one though.

I just feel completely rejected. I'm going to look into counselling even though I'm sure he'll say no. It's so humiliating to be trying to find a way to convince my husband to have sex with me, I think you're right and it won't resolve itself, but I can't keep having these tearful and soul crushing conversations. Plus every time this hooens I feel the need to undress in a separate room and to eat my body weight in something comforting.

How is it possible that this is the same man that years after we married, can still set my heart racing when he leaves me a loving voicemail?

Allow me to quote from someone else going through the same thing on the inter web:

"Hohhot, who am I kidding? I miss the sex, too. No appliance, and no matter how talented and familiar my own hands, nothing compares to connecting with another person on a purely sensual level. Stimulation and orgasm aside, I miss warmth and trust and reading someone’s reactions to my touch, making it up as we go along. I miss waking up sticky and sore and aroused, tasting the other person on my lips, the scent of him on my skin, and doing it all over again. I miss loud, crazy, Cirque du Soleil–worthy sex acts that leave me gasping and incapable of speech and quiet, spontaneous quickies, clothes rumpled and shifted, messed-up hair, followed by giggles. I love being desired and seduced and—at my core—I am unashamed of expressing my wants and feelings. Sex makes me happy and creative. Spontaneity drives me wild. When the situation allows, my enthusiasm creates a force to be reckoned with"

[UtterlyCrushed]

I don't know though. Maybe it's a case of settling. He's everything else I've ever wanted. I can't throw that over because there's no sex. But I worry that staying will make me bitter and that eventually an affair will end our marriage.

Although the main problem is hurt, I'm also so angry that I appear to be the only one trying to fix this!

[Pasithea]

We haven't been intimate at all for about 7 years. The rest of it is good though.

[VelvetRose]

Yes, I think the thing is if he doesn't want sex then he's not going to see it as a huge problem. For you it's massive and I can so relate to that constant fear of rejection because your partner never initiates anything and then the feeling of frustration and anger because you feel like some sex maniac trying to force them. It feels demeaning.

What I was trying to get at before was whether he is physically affectionate with you in other ways? If he's not then that is very hard for you. Don't feel bad about wanting more. I think most people would like to feel wanted and desired by their partner. That's not to say there aren't difficult times in everyone's relationships but if his enthusiasm was never there in the first place you have a harder battle I think.

[joSl1978]

This is me and DH.
I have no doubt that he adores me, he’s so affectionate, cuddly, kind and loving. He tells me every day that he loves me and that I am gorgeous. But he won’t/can’t have sex with me. I go through weeks of being passive and then there will be a meltdown, and tears, and a heart-to-heart, and we’re back to square 1. We’re together since 2004, we never had a rampant sex life, but it’s dwindled away to barely anything.
This thread has given me a bit of courage to face it with DH soon, and be a bit more demanding in our need to find a solution together.

[Dowser]

Some sexual therapy, relate should still offer this service.

Even if he isn't ready/ wanting full on sex there's no reason why you cannot be intimate.

Have a massage from each other. Touch is vital to our well being.

Seek help OP and I hope you manage to save your marriage .

[Dowser]

Read a bit more and it sounds so upsetting for you all.

I can kind of understand the not having sex but not getting naked and cuddling one another.

That's if everything else in the marriage is good. You're not going to get naked and cuddly if you're angry and resentful with someone.

Sad Op that he masturbates in the shower alone when he could have a willing partner.

[lotsofcheese]

OP, I really feel for you.

I think you ought to explore all options eg individual/joint counselling before reaching a decision. Maybe you're not ready to give up yet? M

From what's been said up thread, there are not many happy endings to sexless marriages.

I think I'd be working towards being able to support yourself over the next few years.

[Wideeyedcarrrot]

This is both dh and me.
We used to have sex a lot when we got together, but I wasn't that fussed even then. Then something happened which massively put me off sex with anyone for a looonnng time. We were engaged at that point and dh put up with no sex for about 2 years. He still married me.
We've been married nearly ten years and maybe have sex once or twice a month. I could take it or leave it and I don't think dh is that bothered either.
Once it actually happens it's ok but in the run up I'm often thinking 'I'd rather be reading / watching tv / going to sleep.'
Awful isn't it?!
Sorry I don't really have any advice. I guess dh and me seem well matched but it must be tough if one person has pretty much no sex drive and the other does.

[Burke1]

Op can i ask how you discovered the porn on his phone?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Can I join you, I have not had penetrative sex since ds 3.3 years was concieved . Tbh I am so tired with dd who has ASD and ds who is a real live wire, and so is dh, and we just fall straight into bed and go to sleep. I don't mind, it will pick up once ds is older and more settled I am sure. Its not a biggie with us anyway.

[Oly4]

So so hard. There's no guarantee that if you break up that you'll find someone else to 'have it all' with. Or you could end up with amazing sex with a complete sh@t of a man who doesn't treat you well in other ways. I've had much, much better sex with other people but never the intensely loving and adoring relationship I have with DH. He'd do anything for me and our kids. I think the key is that your DH needs to realise he HAS to do something, that inaction is no longer an option as it is hurting you so much. You have to find a solution together, probably with counselling from Relate. He owes your marriage that much. Good luck OP

[UtterlyCrushed]

We are going to work on it. We had a long talk and he's agreed to see a therapist, for which I am grateful. Because he's truly all I want in my life and having him without sex is the only option if the alternative is walking away. I've never been so happy and so loved. So although I find this incredibly hurtful, I will encourage his efforts and stay. He really is my heart.

[Oly4]

I think you're doing the right thing. I think you should stay and work on it. Hopefully through therapy you can explore his reluctance, and he can see how vital this is to you. Just be prepared to hear some things that may hurt... Such as if he finds sex boring or doesn't fancy you as much as he did. I'm not saying that is the case, I'm just saying go in with an open mind and try to really, really listen to each other.
Me and DH really need to work on finding out what turns each other on for example. We are rubbish and need to get back to basics.
Good luck OP, he sounds like he loves you very much

[Oneeyedbloke]

I'm really sorry for you, Utterly, but I must say I find the masturbation-every-6-weeks thing hard to believe. I think the longest I've ever gone is 2 weeks and that was when I had an operation! OK, there may be a physical problem and surely he would not object to getting that checked out? This is your happiness at stake, and in every other way he says - and shows - he cares about that. It sounds more psychological to me. Will he talk about his sexual feelings at all? I'd want to ask him how he feels when he masturbates, get him to open up about what turns him on. This, after all, is the kind of thing a sex therapist would ask. At the end of the day, if he won't engage with you on this subject, so central to any marriage, then his love for you has a massive flaw. He may be very repressed about sex, but it's not so bad that he feels masturbation is wrong. I'd say, with good therapy, there's a chance he will learn to unwind. If he's open and honest in the rest of your relationship then, with help, he can be open and honest about sex. SOMETHING turns him on - pictures of two women, for example - so that's a potential way in to enlarging what may simply be a very restricted sexual imagination. I do hope it works out for you.

[hiddenhome]

He may be asexual. It's not as rare as you think. Or, he could have problems with intimacy. Preferring to masturbate is a way of relieving sexual tension without the stress of having to connect to another person. This is how people who have problems with intimacy are. They desire an emotional connection, but can't quite manage the physical side that comes with it.

[maz210]

If you suspect he likes porn OP, would you consider asking him if you could view this together. I know many women object to porn but there are also lots of couples who enjoy it together.

If you feel like this is something you would be comfortable with it may be a way to open a door towards increased intimacy/sexual contact.

[TowerRavenSeven]

Porn on his phone that he doesn't know how it got there?? Red flag!!!

[Oly4]

He obviously just didn't want to upset her with the porn. I haveno problem with it - it's a fact of life that most men and many women enjoy it - but some women do find it very hurtful. I think all these issues can be d plotted with therapy. I think you should feel positive OP - he's agreed to therapy and that's a good jump forward

[Oly4]

Explored not plotted! Silly phone

[RoboticSealpup]

The fact he won't talk about it is really, really out of order. It's almost like he thinks this is your problem entirely. Well, it will be his problem soon enough because he is crushing your spirit and starving your relationship. It actually makes me angry on your behalf. You may think he is lovely and perfect but what he is doing actually sounds really passive-aggressive to me.

Sorry for the tone of my post, but I really think he is out of order. He needs to open the heck up about this! You need to make him realise that it could result in the end of your relationship, even if that is not what you want at all.

[Writerwannabe83]

It all sounds very familiar OP. My husbands lack of sex drive has been a constant issue in our relationship. We've talked and talked and talked about it but he is on complete denial. I was once where you are, constantly trying to initiate sex, repeatedly being brushed off, me ending up in tears, him telling me it's nothing personal and then wanting to have sex to prove he fancies me. I never had sex in those circumstances as it was just too humiliating and certainly didn't want 'proving a point' sex. I eventually got tired of trying to deal with the problem when he didn't want to acknowledge there was one and our relationship/marriage became pretty sexless.

In the last two years we've only had sex four times and three of those times were because we were trying to conceive. Thankfully I fell pregnant on our first cycle as I'm not sure how things would have gone if we'd had to have sex lots every month. In hindsight though, maybe it would have been a good thing. We then had sex when I was 20 weeks pregnant and there's been no sex since and DS is now 13 months old. I'm still breast feeding which hasn't helped matters but even if I wasn't I doubt there'd be lots of sex going on anyway.

DH has frequently been mentioning his desire for us to start having sex again and 6 weeks ago I had a Mirena Coil put in. I'm intrigued as to how things will go once sex does resume but I won't hold my breath that frequent sex will be on the cards.

[MissPenelopeLumawoo2]

If you both want to have another child then he must realise that some input is required from his side. How is he planning to manage that if he really has no interest in sex? Would it be a question of forcing himself to have sex just for the purpose of conceiving? I think you need to ask him that outright- and not allow him to change the subject or make false promises.

Have you actually told him it is affecting your marriage to the point that you are considering whether you can actually remain in a sexless marriage? Maybe he is just taking it for granted that you will just suffer in silence for the rest of your days. Would spelling out the potential consequences of his refusal to seek help finally bring it home to him?

[Toadinthehole]

men often can't go for long periods without, as it can get uncomfortable

Err.. no, not really. And there's nothing wrong with my bits, as far as I know.

Haven't ever had exploding balls, or found that my desk at work was rising before me.

I suspect this is an old myth put about by men whose wives weren't giving them enough sexy time for their liking.