To be sad and angry about being in a sexless (but otherwise happy) marriage?

[UtterlyCrushed]

Background:
I've name changed but I'm a regular (pan pipe elf, sad weebl pillowcase, lemon drizzle cake).

We're both 32. We've been together for six years, married for three. We have a lovely one year old baby, he works in the city and I did but am now a SAHM. He is kind, sweet, my best friend and perfect for me in every way but one: we never have sex. I want to, he doesn't. God, even writing that makes my tummy churn.

To be honest our sex life has always been lacking. Even when we first met, I knew I wanted to marry him but I always wrote off the fact that he was never interested in sex as being down to us being too busy / stressed etc. We had sex on average every two to three weeks for the first year or so and it rapidly dwindled to once a month and then once every couple of months.

At the time of writing, we've had full sex twice in the last twelve months. Both times I initiated it. Before we got married we did discuss it once or twice. He always assured me that he found me attractive but said that he just had a low sex drive overall. The day (about a year in) that I accidentally found a porn image of two naked women on his phone I nearly ended the relationship. Not because I'm anti-porn but because I was crushed that he was obviously masturbating whilst I lay rejected and lonely in the bed we shared. He maintained that he had no idea how it had gotten onto his phone and I felt utterly devastated that this man that I loved and desired was lying to me. He obviously had an interest in sex, just not in sex with me.

I do believe he loves me, we have so much fun together, we have a great family life (he's a marvellous father and romantic, generous and attentive husband) but the complete absence of sex is beginning to take over. We discussed it before our wedding. I was very candid about not wanting a sexless marriage and said we should wait until it was resolved. He told me it was down to stress and it got better for a short while but then reverted to type. I don't even remember having sex more than once on our honeymoon! We discussed it again a few months ago and he said he'd see a doctor to see if it was anything physical (which I doubt as he still masturbates). But he hasn't done anything about it at all. Last night we were watching a show where a happily married couple were flirting (which led to sex) and I suddenly couldn't bear it.

Discussing it is humiliating because it basically feels like I'm begging him to want to touch me. He says he isn't having an affair / addicted to porn / seeing hookers / gay and I want to believe him but can't. That is, I do believe he isn't cheating on me but I'm assuming it's probably porn. And then he looks at me with sad eyes and says how much he hates to make me miserable. I know it upsets him that I'm unhappy. But I feel like he's apologising for not wanting sex with me which loops us back to humiliation. Somehow the fact that he insists he fancies me and that it's all circumstantial makes it all worse. Surely there must be something wrong, and I'm assuming that something is me? Why won't he talk about it? I've told him that it makes it worse for him to pretend it's not caused by anything but he insists nothing is wrong. Or am I totally wrong, is it possible that he genuinely isn't bothered about sex. He says he masturbates in the shower, not to porn, about once every six weeks.

The humiliation of being repeatedly rejected by a man I adore, for years on end, is something I've stifled for a long time. The fact that we're more like housemates than a married couple breaks my heart. I miss the intimacy that I know can come from a healthy and happy sex life and the thrill of being naughty with someone I love. It's starting to be awkward when we see people on TV having sex. And I miss being desired. When we got together, I was told I was "girl next door" pretty, I was slim and fit and took a great deal of pride in my appearance and men used to flirt with me all the time. But over the last two years I've put weight on which has made me even more depressed. He is sad to be making me unhappy but he is happy with the amount of sex we have.

The weirdest thing is that if it was medical (if for example, chemo made him impotent), it wouldn't matter in the least. It's the fact that he masturbates rather than having sex with me that breaks my heart.

So judge me. Everything else is perfect: I cannot contemplate ever being happy without him in my life because he is my heart and my best friend, I love him more than anything and we have what appears to be a charmed life so I suspect I'll be flamed for making a fuss about this. AIBU to be increasingly unhappy with this sexless situation? What do I do?

[lostincumbria]

Good to hear of the progress OP. Good luck with counselling, glad you feel cherished.

[ivykaty44]

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls not all men suffer but it isn't uncommon

[meowth]

I mean. I masturbate but I don't do it because I'm horny, I do it because I'm stressed. He's probably stressed because he doesn't want to perform, the premature ejaculation is probably the biggest thing here. I watch porn, my DP watches porn (am female) and we both masturbate. he can about 5 times a day, even when i'm in the house.

the fact he won't talk is the only bit thats winding me up, here. get him to talk. I'd force my DP to talk. give him an ultimatum.

[Oneeyedbloke]

Brilliant re the therapy - if you've never had any, my advice is, total honesty. You can feel pressured by the situation to tell fibs, to make things sound better than they really are, because a) you're baring all to a stranger, b) it can feel like you're heavily criticizing your OH and c) it can feel comforting to tell a not-so-bad version of things, you deceive yourself a little. But there's no point in being anything less than fully frank.

A thought: if he really does masturbate once every 6 weeks, how about you say to him, 'Don't wank alone; let me be there.' And, to begin with, just be there. Ask him what he's thinking of, don't judge it, go along with it. And when he comes, be as loving as possible. If masturbation is the only sexual activity he wants right now, maybe you can use it as a gateway to getting more intimate?

He says 'it's not you' but maybe what that really means is, it's the presence of ANYONE that he doesn't want. Somehow, all his other loving & romantic feelings are detached from sex - most people want sex to be the culmination of all the other feelings, but for him that's a problem. I'm thinking, only by reintroducing the notion of 'you', of the presence of a real, live, living, loved other into his sexual 'theatre', can you move forward.

The unkind way to say it would be that he's become lazy about sex - masturbation is, after all, pretty undemanding. The kinder way to see it is as something he's decided to avoid rather than face up to his fears about it. I know it hurt you to find lesbian porn on his phone (and you're right to disbelieve it got there by accident), but at least it does strongly suggest he's not gay, which would have been my first thought otherwise.

You're absolutely right to refuse to put up with a sexless relationship. In an otherwise committed couple, it's downright unkind. My guess is that his sexual imagination is, for some psychological reason, underdeveloped, under-populated. He almost certainly knows this and feels anxiety about it. And anxiety is about the biggest passion killer there is. I so hope you get through this.

[Wellwhaddyaknow]

OP I could have written your post word for word. We go through phases or rather I should say, I do, of wanting sex more and feeling rejected, then not being too bothered for a bit, then it gets worse again. We have had sex about 5 times since DS was born 2.5 years ago. I love our marriage and our life together but sometimes it really gets me down. I masturbate a lot more recently and have considered having an affair but I don't think I could go through with it for DS 's sake. I don't want to leave him but can't see what will change. I totally understand the feeling of anger at being the only one who is working on it. I do try to talk to him about it and it usually results in an argument but sometimes sex. I think in our case it is about him thinking sex is an imposition on me and being from a reasonably buttoned up background. I know talking about it makes him super uncomfortable so I try to go easy on him but I need to be happy too. We struggle with reading each other's cues as to when we are up for it, so the other week I made sure there was no ambiguity by lighting candles, putting on some music and wearing some nice underwear. He was downstairs so I texted him to come upstairs. All felt a bit forced and false at first but it did result in some great sex. That's the problem, when we do do it, it's really good so I'm always saying 'why don't we do this more often!' I suggested that we tried making Saturday night sex night which he seemed keen on but as with all good intentions it just didn't happen. But I can totally see how people end up having affairs. I just want to feel attractive. He says he fancies me but doesn't really act like he does. I do think it's a low sec drive coupled with shyness/embarrassment about sex, I just don't think he thinks it is as important as I do. Sorry for essay and for not suggesting anything very helpful but just wanted you to know you are not alone. Hope things improve.

[Sazzle41]

He likes women because you have found images on his phone. So the Gay thing is off the list.

Is he depressed? That can effect libido as can undiagnosed diabetes and a few other medical conditions.

Does he fancy you/flirt/touch you otherwise? Does he get jealous if you talk about men you like or other men flirt with you?

How much porn does he watch/what kind? That can tell you a LOT about him sexually. ie. if he has a fetish or preferences he feels he cant ask you to participate in or if they are so extreme he knows you wouldnt be interested?

If the spark was never there from day one though... I had this with someone. On every other level it worked, but, he was so, so timid in bed & admitted he only really needed/liked sex once a month. I carried on, thinking he'd relax eventually/grow in confidence if i didnt make it an issue. It didnt work. After him saying accusingly "you jump on me" I ended it. It transpired this meant i kissed him while sitting on the sofa, or kissed him passing him on the stairs etc. or just, well, kissed him. He was 27 at the time i was 33.

[Phineyj]

The Relate therapy is good. Through doing it, I realised the issues were all with DH so I stopped thinking it was something I was doing or not doing and became more or less reconciled to it. It may be common but I have never seen it discussed except on here. It is a very lonely situation, .

[namechange2015]

Hi op
Are you intimate at all? Do you kiss? Massage eachother? If you could convince him into this (no pressure, in fact tell him no sex just kissing etc) it might turn into sex occasionally it might not but it could make you feel more satisfied on that front. I think I could go without actual sex as long as I had intimacy

[Toadinthehole]

ivykaty

That Wikipedia article states that in some men, prolongued (unsatisfied) sexual arousal can cause discomfort.

(Actually, that's putting it mildly. Believe me, a thirty-minute stiffy can be really quite sore).

It doesn't say that not ejaculating causes an uncomfortable buildup of sperm. Unused sperm simply gets reabsorbed into the body.

It simply isn't true that men have to have regular ejaculations (although I am told that regular "clear-outs" reduce the chance of testicular cancer).

[wearenotinkansas]

I hope the counselling works for you OP.

I wouldn't at all underestimate how an unsatisfactory sex life can colour the rest of your relationship. I split up with my ex-P nearly 14 years ago. I had a lot of counselling then and my counsellor asked me if our sex life was good. TBH it wasn't great, not the frequency but the fact that I wasn't always enjoying it. She made me see that it was key to a satisfactory relationship.

More importantly, I don't really understand why your partner cannot meet your needs, even if he doesn't want full on penetrative sex. I think to leave your partner unsatisfied on a regular basis, even if you don't particularly want to dtd, is quite selfish and damaging.

[ivykaty44]

Toad

So what is sexual release as a solution ? Isnt it ejaculation?

[Toadinthehole]

Ivy,

Yes, but that's probably beside the point. A man might masturbate because he is turned on, and because sex is not available (or, unfortunately, because they aren't getting on well and the idea doesn't appeal to him). Or he might not be turned on, but do it anyway because he has insomnia, or is stressed out, or because he just feels like it.

Just as one doesn't have to feel hungry to have a biscuit, a man doesn't have to feel sexually aroused before deciding to have a wank. TBH, I thought it was just the same with women too.

Similarly, a man might never (or hardly ever) masturbate, simply because he doesn't feel like it, or because he feels its wrong for some reason.

The misconceptions about men and wanking are amazing, when one considers how popular sexology is these days.

The key point here is that very, very few men will go crazy if they don't have regular ejaculations of sperm. The OPs partner is probably one of the majority. As for myself, I can think of occasions when I've gone "without", so to speak, for weeks, and I don't think I have a partiuclarly low libido.

[UncleT]

Toad it's good for the prostate to regularly ejaculate (whether self-stimulated or otherwise).

[Toadinthehole]

As I noted above. But no one will get exploding balls if he doesn't.

[DambustersDog]

I think you would be surprised how many (if the truth be told) couples live in an almost celebrate relationship.

An interesting fact which shows how unreliable surveys are is this. The number of sexual partners for men is far higher than for women and whilst some logic can be used to explain some of the differences the fact remains that many cannot tell the truth

[Toadinthehole]

(actually I realise I said that regular ejaculation reduces the risk of testicular cancer, but the point remains the same).

dambusters

If lots and lots of men have sex with a few women, then the median number of sexual partners for women would be less than for men (this is worth noting as people often seem to use median and average as synonyms). However, I have heard that men tend to overreport the number of sexual partners, whereas women underreport. I've no idea how anyone worked this out.

[ivykaty44]

Toad you seemed to miss the question completely, the wiki piece gives the solution as sexual release, which surely means ejaculation?

[Oneeyedbloke]

A man might masturbate because he is turned on ... Or he might not be turned on, but do it anyway because he has insomnia, or is stressed out, or because he just feels like it. Just as one doesn't have to feel hungry to have a biscuit, a man doesn't have to feel sexually aroused before deciding to have a wank.

Well, this bloke has never had a wank without being turned on. But, like most men I've ever discussed it with, I can get turned on in a ridiculously short time. After 'going without' for several weeks, I can get horny looking at shop dummies, it's quite bizarre in a way.

But as far as OP is concerned, there doesn't seem any doubt that her OH is getting turned on. I personally don't believe his once-every-6-weeks-in-the-shower claim, though you have to accept the possibility of low sex drive, hormone problems (thyroid).

Surely the point is, he does sometimes masturbate. And there was lesbian porn on his phone - ever a favourite with lots of men. So he's probably not gay, and he is capable of arousal etc. What OP was so upset about, and I'm not surprised, is why he doesn't want to be sexual with her. All this stuff about 'blue balls' is a red herring, imo.

[JJXM]

My DH has always had a low sex drive - he says he likes and enjoys sex but it is not the be all and end all for him. It was a massive problem in the beginning of our relationship at our worse it was 12 months of no sex. However, my husband turned out to be a gambling addict and was very depressed - once we'd dealt with that then things improved.

But as we've now got two young children, including one with SN (which means we take turns sleeping in with him) it has become impossible to have sex even if we weren't exhausted constantly. We think that once the children are a bit older then things will return to what they were.

However, the deal breaker would be the porn for me - I would feel rejected too - but you aren't the one with the problem - he is the one who can only be satisfied with a fantasy even though he knows he is hurting you. The problem is you have been together for a long time and if he hasn't changed in that time then he probably never will - so you have three choices; give him a second chance and go for marriage counselling; accept that his other qualities are more important or leave him.

[MushroomTree]

Utterly - I could have written your OP. No advice to give, just support.

[Toadinthehole]

Ivy

OK, I quote from the article:

"Blue balls is a slang term[1] for the condition of temporary fluid congestion (vasocongestion) in the testicles accompanied by testicular pain,[2] caused by prolonged and unsatisfied sexual arousal in the human male." (emphasis added).

If a man is not getting sexually aroused, he is never going to suffer from blue balls. The OP's husband states that he has a low sex drive, which indicates that he's not getting sexually aroused. Yes, possibly he could be lying, but it's just as possible he genuinely isn't.

[ivykaty44]

If he has a low sex drive why the porn? It doesn't add up as I really don't think the benefit of the doubt is worth giving. This man is looking porn and is getting aroused, that's the point

[lescec]

My first thought was 8 month old baby, not surprising, then I read on and realised the problem predated that. Sorry but something's not right. Even if he has a low sex drive he claims to masturbate occasionally, so why not get physical with you? He could be worried about not performing, or idealise you too much, or be over-sensitive to being touched. Or he might genuinely have no sex drive and be exaggerating how much he masturbates. Sex is not an optional extra, the intimacy and giving pleasure to your partner is an essential in marriage. Get counselling or in 20 years time you will regret it.

[spancake]

Me too!!!!! We both 32 and living in a hopelessly sexless marriage. I was very highly sexed before we met but he didn't believe in sex before marriage (religious family) and
I threw it out the window. We had sex once on our wedding night and once again on our honeymoon and I'm not exaggerating when I say once or twice a year ever since except when we were actively ttc (been married 8 years), and even then it was very functional/operational sex not lovely snuggly sex or passionate steamy sex. I feel rejected, unattractive, and totally lost my sex mojo, wouldn't know what to do anymore if Russell Brand threw himself at me. I've tried talking to him and he's so out of touch he literally clams up like a really uptight oyster, other than the lack of sex we're happy as Larry. Don't think he's going elsewhere. Shame really life is long to go without...

[Toadinthehole]

ivykaty44

No it isn't the point. I admit the porn is suspicious, but I don't think it's right to conclude from that one single find of porn on his phone means that he must be wanking away to porn like a teenager.

The often-presumed reasoning goes like this: bloke's turned on, decides to wank, looks at porn. Conclusion: bloke's a lying bastard whose doing it all the time.

But there is an alternative: bloke's not turned on, hasn't been for ages but would like to be, and tries to apply the jump leads by looking at porn (with or without success).

Everything the OP says points to his having a low libido, hopefully for psychological reasons that can be solved. I can really picture the situation of a bloke who not only has a low libido but whose upbringing doesn't make him confident with intimacy. The very idea of sex is probably threatening to him - even with his beloved partner. Having said this, I want to make it clear that if I am right, it is his problem, and not the OP's responsibility.

I reckon most partnered men who get their rocks off to porn are also having sex with pretty reasonable frequency, unless there is trouble in the relationship. Wanking is easy, but sex is more rewarding overall.

I re-read the OP, and there is nothing that strikes me as clearly inconsistent with this possiblity. You might not give him the benefit of the doubt, but I hope the OP does, particularly as he's doing something about it.

spancake

Sorry to hear it. Perhaps your dh will consider counselling too?