To be sad and angry about being in a sexless (but otherwise happy) marriage?

[UtterlyCrushed]

Background:
I've name changed but I'm a regular (pan pipe elf, sad weebl pillowcase, lemon drizzle cake).

We're both 32. We've been together for six years, married for three. We have a lovely one year old baby, he works in the city and I did but am now a SAHM. He is kind, sweet, my best friend and perfect for me in every way but one: we never have sex. I want to, he doesn't. God, even writing that makes my tummy churn.

To be honest our sex life has always been lacking. Even when we first met, I knew I wanted to marry him but I always wrote off the fact that he was never interested in sex as being down to us being too busy / stressed etc. We had sex on average every two to three weeks for the first year or so and it rapidly dwindled to once a month and then once every couple of months.

At the time of writing, we've had full sex twice in the last twelve months. Both times I initiated it. Before we got married we did discuss it once or twice. He always assured me that he found me attractive but said that he just had a low sex drive overall. The day (about a year in) that I accidentally found a porn image of two naked women on his phone I nearly ended the relationship. Not because I'm anti-porn but because I was crushed that he was obviously masturbating whilst I lay rejected and lonely in the bed we shared. He maintained that he had no idea how it had gotten onto his phone and I felt utterly devastated that this man that I loved and desired was lying to me. He obviously had an interest in sex, just not in sex with me.

I do believe he loves me, we have so much fun together, we have a great family life (he's a marvellous father and romantic, generous and attentive husband) but the complete absence of sex is beginning to take over. We discussed it before our wedding. I was very candid about not wanting a sexless marriage and said we should wait until it was resolved. He told me it was down to stress and it got better for a short while but then reverted to type. I don't even remember having sex more than once on our honeymoon! We discussed it again a few months ago and he said he'd see a doctor to see if it was anything physical (which I doubt as he still masturbates). But he hasn't done anything about it at all. Last night we were watching a show where a happily married couple were flirting (which led to sex) and I suddenly couldn't bear it.

Discussing it is humiliating because it basically feels like I'm begging him to want to touch me. He says he isn't having an affair / addicted to porn / seeing hookers / gay and I want to believe him but can't. That is, I do believe he isn't cheating on me but I'm assuming it's probably porn. And then he looks at me with sad eyes and says how much he hates to make me miserable. I know it upsets him that I'm unhappy. But I feel like he's apologising for not wanting sex with me which loops us back to humiliation. Somehow the fact that he insists he fancies me and that it's all circumstantial makes it all worse. Surely there must be something wrong, and I'm assuming that something is me? Why won't he talk about it? I've told him that it makes it worse for him to pretend it's not caused by anything but he insists nothing is wrong. Or am I totally wrong, is it possible that he genuinely isn't bothered about sex. He says he masturbates in the shower, not to porn, about once every six weeks.

The humiliation of being repeatedly rejected by a man I adore, for years on end, is something I've stifled for a long time. The fact that we're more like housemates than a married couple breaks my heart. I miss the intimacy that I know can come from a healthy and happy sex life and the thrill of being naughty with someone I love. It's starting to be awkward when we see people on TV having sex. And I miss being desired. When we got together, I was told I was "girl next door" pretty, I was slim and fit and took a great deal of pride in my appearance and men used to flirt with me all the time. But over the last two years I've put weight on which has made me even more depressed. He is sad to be making me unhappy but he is happy with the amount of sex we have.

The weirdest thing is that if it was medical (if for example, chemo made him impotent), it wouldn't matter in the least. It's the fact that he masturbates rather than having sex with me that breaks my heart.

So judge me. Everything else is perfect: I cannot contemplate ever being happy without him in my life because he is my heart and my best friend, I love him more than anything and we have what appears to be a charmed life so I suspect I'll be flamed for making a fuss about this. AIBU to be increasingly unhappy with this sexless situation? What do I do?

[moonfacebaby]

My exH was like this. Claimed to have a low sex drive. When we did have sex, it was on his terms (when he wanted it), over in minutes & I was left high & dry.

I stayed because I loved him. Thought that at least there was no chance he'd stray.

Bam! Out of nowhere, found out he was having an affair, where he was managing to have sex multiple times a night.

Whilst I was snooping, gathering evidence, I found emails between him & his counsellor where my exH was talking about never really being attracted to me. Well, not in comparison to the OW. This fried my brain massively, but on reflection, I'm not sure I fancied him as much as I thought I did.

All of this did knock my confidence. But I've since met someone else, and boy, that's been a revelation! Great sex, feeling adored, the works. I realise that I'm so much more chilled out, less snappy, because I'm having regular sex.

I know your situation could be very different to mine - maybe he genuinely does have a low sex drive. I think that you're in a difficult situation & no-one can tell you the right thing to do. I feel bad telling you what happened to me, as that's not me saying that your marriage is the same - I'm just offering up my story. I'm not implying your DH is having an affair either - you could both be at risk of this in the future if this isn't sorted out.

I hope you find a solution - some way to work through this, that brings you happiness.

[UtterlyCrushed]

Thank you moonfacebaby. You poor thing, what an experience, but lovely to know you're so happy now. I guess it comes down to two things. The first being whether or not he's being honest about not wanting sex and whether he's willing to talk about why he chooses to masturbate rather than having se with me. The second being whether or not I feel we can have a fully celibate life. I do worry he'll leave me if he finds someone he's sexually attracted to. This is horrendous.

[UtterlyCrushed]

None of this is made easier by feeling that he should always be up for sex. I am so tired of hearing how my friends have husbands that want sex all the time.

[ahbollocks]

Masturbation isnt sex to alot of people though you know utterly, I think men in particular just see it as a release/stress type of thing.
Have you ever had good sex with him?
When I do with my dh it is always really good and I wonder why I dont want to do it more often.
Not boasting here, havr had more than my fair share of rubbish sex ;)

[TedAndLola]

Does it look like I'm stuck? I feel stuck. Has anyone had this and had it change on its own?

I definitely think you should ask him to go to the doctor and, if tests come back normal, then counselling. He would be unreasonable to refuse - I know I would do it if my husband asked, because I want him to be happy.

[BathtimeFunkster]

The first being whether or not he's being honest about not wanting sex

We he's obviously not lying about not wanting to have sex with you.

He clearly is lying about the extent of his sex drive - he's masturbating about four times more than he's having sex with you.

[Christinayangstwistedsister]

How do you know it is only every six weeks? Have you ever investigated his porn use?

[caitlinohara]

Don't let the masturbation thing cloud the issue OP - as others have said, it's not really the same thing, and honestly the main issue here is that there is a problem in your relationship which is making you miserable, has been going on for some years, and that he is refusing to address.

[BathtimeFunkster]

The fact that he is regularly masturbating while claiming to have no sex drive is the issue.

The "cloud" is the notion that you you can have a satisfying marriage where one person wants sex and the other doesn't (for whatever reason).

[Oly4]

it sounds as though he loves and fancies you but that sexual spark is just missing. I don't think you should try and lose weight etc as I don't think it's all about you. OP, I am in this kind of relationship but I'm the one who doesn't initiate. I love my OH so much, I fancy him, I crave his company but sexually, well, we've just never hit it off. It is really, really hard to admit this. To break up would break my heart. I think all you can do is broach the subject again and say that you are worried this will lead to the end of your relationship. Ask him if you just don't turn him on/what can be done... Then persuade him to see a Relate counsellor with you.
For me, we have two very young DCs and I'm just so tired but once we've moved out of the baby phase, I plan on almost starting again with our sex life and putting effort in to finding out what each of us wants, how we can ignite it.
Good luck OP, I have no doubt he loves you.
And I know the masturbation thing is getting to you but I honestly think masturbation is almost completely
Separate to your sex life. It's hard to explain, but he's been masturbating since he was a child. It's just like a part of his routine and I'm pretty sure he's not comparing it to you at all

[Oly4]

I didn't explain that well but I'm saying masturbation is a side issue. It's like cleaning your teeth. People just do it and have been doing it since they were small. I masturbate.. It's entirely separate to what's going on with my OH. I'm not thinking about anything or anyone, I'm jaut coming cos it's nice and I know how to do it in five seconds flat. I'm sure it's the same for your OH

[Pigeonsaregreedy]

Re the counselling aspect: exactly the same, my DH is also very private and I knew he would never go to discuss it with 'strangers'.
The GP suggested using Viagra and making a 'booking' to have sex. Yuk!

Bottom line Utterly, I now believe you can't change people with a low or non existent sex drive. You have to either accept your DH and your situation as it is, or you move on. Harsh, but true my lovely.

I have been through the anger, tears and self doubt and have given up. Yes, given up and accepted him as he is, because I now know I cannot change him. It is the ultimate compromise and no, I'm no saint, just being realistic.

If I had my time again, would I have left him when I was 32? No, we had two young DCs and we were both working full time as a team to pay our way. I was never too tired for sex though!

Would I leave him in future, now they're grown up? Even though I love him, I would never say never.

[VelvetRose]

It's such a difficult one op. I've been on both sides of this. I've been the one who didn't want sex much at all (my last relationship) to being the one who wanted it and felt rejected.

The thing is because of my previous experience I assumed that when my present DW didn't want sex she didn't fancy me because that is how I'd felt. In fact both times with DW it's been a medical thing, hormones first time and then terrible back issues the next.
, (we're both women btw). I totally understand how you feel though. During those times I felt utterly miserable and rejected and really, ru sad because we'd had a brilliant sex life in the past

Is your DH affectionate in other ways? Does he tell you he fancied you spontaneously and kiss you etc?

[DarthVadersTailor]

OP I really do feel for you my dear. As a guy I always think there's a certain amount of pressure to perform so to speak especially amongst other guys, and when that sex drive is low it is especially hard to admit it.

Since our DD came into our lives the sex life has slowed down a lot compared to before, which is natural I suppose, but I must admit to feeling very guilty at times when I'm too tired to initiate after a hard day at work or not a lot of sleep. Mentally I sometimes beat myself up over it, because a guy is supposed to want it all the time right? I love my DP to bits and love the sex we have when we get the opportunity but do sometimes feel let down in myself when it's not as often as it was. It's silly I know but it does dent the pride somewhat.

Not entirely sure what my point is here exactly in relation to your issues OP, or even if there is one, but the only suggestion I really have is to keep the lines of communication open, work hard to keep time free for just yourselves even if it's only an hr, try not to put too much pressure on yourselves sexually and be as open and honest with each other as possible. Hopefully you can work through it, it'll mean effort on both sides to do so and won't be easy but if you're both willing to try to address the issue there's no reason why you can't!!

Sincerely wishing you the very best of luck OP and hope the situation improves

[Gruntbaby]

I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. You're NOT making a fuss about nothing.

My advice would be doctors for tests. Could he be very stressed or depressed? That can really affect libido. You seem to have covered the other bases - medication etc. I'd also advise a sex therapist.

Could he be worrying about premature ejaculation, and that is making him reluctant to have sex at all?

And when you say 'no sex' do you mean full vaginal sex only? What happens if you initiate other types of intimacy (BJ, mutual masturbation etc)? Does he initiate things like this? Would that satisfy you enough? Maybe you could set the stakes a bit lower and see what happens?

I only know of 1 case like this personally, but in that case there was a terrible history of abuse, and despite therapy etc they are divorcing.

[thecertaintyofchance]

He could be asexual.
Look at the aven website.

[UtterlyCrushed]

I wonder if maybe this is more common than I thought? In a rather selfish way, I hope so as it'd stop me feeling so very alone.

It feels quite final, to decide that I'm going to opt for celibacy so young. And it won't stop me worrying he'll leave me.

All of this could be avoided if he'd just talk to me. I don't know what to do.

[Oly4]

I think you have to force him to talk about it again. Say it's making you feel so very alone and down and that you're worried what might happen (affairs, break ups etc). I think you do need counselling together.
But yes, I think it's very common. And has no reflection on how much he loves you.
I've had much more fulfilling sex with previous partners, but nowhere near as good a relationship as I have with my OH. Which is why I want to try and improve the sex bit.

[Christinayangstwistedsister]

The only way forward is to talk, you can't go on like this forever, there are so many ways in which this could ruin your marriage

Even if it turns out sex up isn't important to him, he has to understand that it is important to you and therefore he has a responsibility to deal with the issue

[ivykaty44]

Sorry but I don't buy the wank in the shower every six weeks, I would guess he is wanking more frequently than this but doesn't want to confess more frequently. Plus that men often can't go for long periods eithout, as it can become uncomfortable.

Op I would think long and hard if this is the life you want. Sex is important and this MSN is hurting you and discovering why would be a good start. If you can't get that fat then what can you do?

[gingerparkin]

I haven't read the replies but wanted to reply because I have been in your shoes. Firstly don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This is much more common than you would think and talking about openly may help you decide what you want to do. There are so many stereotypes out there in terms of what our sex lives should be like.

I was in this situation in my first marriage. Exactly as you describe. We were together for 13 years, married for 9. He was the love of my life (up to the point I remarried). In the years we were married, we had full sex twice. I had to have fertility treatment because of a medical issue so getting pregnant wasn't an issue. He could never explain why and I went through the full range of emotions continually. Denial, acceptance, anger, rejection. We had other problems in the relationship and one day I snapped. I had had major surgery and realised at the age of 37, I wasn't ready to accept this was it forever. We ended up (amicably) splitting up. I have remarried and have a very active sex life.
But..... This should only be a last resort. In the same year we split up, my lovely mum died and I had to have treatment for a cancer issue. Divorce out of the 3 was the hardest and it should only be a last resort. We have all
Moved on (he has also remarried) but I still grieve the marriage and still
Miss him. It's not as black and white as replacing one husband for another. He was the father to my children and the man I thought I'd be with forever.
We had counselling but my recommendation is find someone who really understands this issue. A proper therapist. Keep an open mind and keep talking. Above all don't feel
Ashamed. It's not your fault or even his. I have a male friend who is open his low sex drive and its more common than you think. I wish you all the best.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

OP, it's very common. Have a look in Relationships and you'll see a lot of threads on a similar theme. Don't feel alone.

You said he thinks there is nothing wrong. What happens if you ask him whether he thinks your sex life together is normal?

It is an act of cruelty to refuse to discuss this with you.

[Outoftheshadows]

I could have written your post six months ago; you have my sympathy as it's a horrible, lonely place to be, and when you have young children there is so much more at stake. I do think that there is an issue he's scared to face up to - whether it is asexuality, an affair, use of prostitutes, fear of intimacy.... There is a reason for his behaviour and for him not wanting to discuss it. The only way your relationship will have a chance to survive is by the two of you talking it through openly and honestly with the guidance of a qualified counsellor. It won't go away on its own, and however lovely the rest of the relationship is, if you can't make him face up to it, then you will either end up being increasingly miserable and frustrated which will affect your relationship in the long run, or you will have an affair. If he won't go for counselling with you I suggest you go on your own and get some advice on strategies to move forward. Good luck. Xx

[gingerparkin]

Yes he must discuss it with but it may take time. If there hadn't been other issues in the relationship, I might have stayed. We were happy , just not all of the time. I don't regret my choices but sometimes I do wonder what if he had had the epiphany moment that he has since while we were still together....

[Sickoffrozen]

From reading threads similar to this one on relationships, it almost always never gets any better and you either accept that this is what your marriage is or you take steps to bring this relationship to an end in the most amicable way you can and then be free to meet someone who you will be sexually compatible with. The notion that there is only one person in the world who will be your "soul mate" is nonsense and "the one" is really often just one of many potential "ones"