To be sad and angry about being in a sexless (but otherwise happy) marriage?

[UtterlyCrushed]

Background:
I've name changed but I'm a regular (pan pipe elf, sad weebl pillowcase, lemon drizzle cake).

We're both 32. We've been together for six years, married for three. We have a lovely one year old baby, he works in the city and I did but am now a SAHM. He is kind, sweet, my best friend and perfect for me in every way but one: we never have sex. I want to, he doesn't. God, even writing that makes my tummy churn.

To be honest our sex life has always been lacking. Even when we first met, I knew I wanted to marry him but I always wrote off the fact that he was never interested in sex as being down to us being too busy / stressed etc. We had sex on average every two to three weeks for the first year or so and it rapidly dwindled to once a month and then once every couple of months.

At the time of writing, we've had full sex twice in the last twelve months. Both times I initiated it. Before we got married we did discuss it once or twice. He always assured me that he found me attractive but said that he just had a low sex drive overall. The day (about a year in) that I accidentally found a porn image of two naked women on his phone I nearly ended the relationship. Not because I'm anti-porn but because I was crushed that he was obviously masturbating whilst I lay rejected and lonely in the bed we shared. He maintained that he had no idea how it had gotten onto his phone and I felt utterly devastated that this man that I loved and desired was lying to me. He obviously had an interest in sex, just not in sex with me.

I do believe he loves me, we have so much fun together, we have a great family life (he's a marvellous father and romantic, generous and attentive husband) but the complete absence of sex is beginning to take over. We discussed it before our wedding. I was very candid about not wanting a sexless marriage and said we should wait until it was resolved. He told me it was down to stress and it got better for a short while but then reverted to type. I don't even remember having sex more than once on our honeymoon! We discussed it again a few months ago and he said he'd see a doctor to see if it was anything physical (which I doubt as he still masturbates). But he hasn't done anything about it at all. Last night we were watching a show where a happily married couple were flirting (which led to sex) and I suddenly couldn't bear it.

Discussing it is humiliating because it basically feels like I'm begging him to want to touch me. He says he isn't having an affair / addicted to porn / seeing hookers / gay and I want to believe him but can't. That is, I do believe he isn't cheating on me but I'm assuming it's probably porn. And then he looks at me with sad eyes and says how much he hates to make me miserable. I know it upsets him that I'm unhappy. But I feel like he's apologising for not wanting sex with me which loops us back to humiliation. Somehow the fact that he insists he fancies me and that it's all circumstantial makes it all worse. Surely there must be something wrong, and I'm assuming that something is me? Why won't he talk about it? I've told him that it makes it worse for him to pretend it's not caused by anything but he insists nothing is wrong. Or am I totally wrong, is it possible that he genuinely isn't bothered about sex. He says he masturbates in the shower, not to porn, about once every six weeks.

The humiliation of being repeatedly rejected by a man I adore, for years on end, is something I've stifled for a long time. The fact that we're more like housemates than a married couple breaks my heart. I miss the intimacy that I know can come from a healthy and happy sex life and the thrill of being naughty with someone I love. It's starting to be awkward when we see people on TV having sex. And I miss being desired. When we got together, I was told I was "girl next door" pretty, I was slim and fit and took a great deal of pride in my appearance and men used to flirt with me all the time. But over the last two years I've put weight on which has made me even more depressed. He is sad to be making me unhappy but he is happy with the amount of sex we have.

The weirdest thing is that if it was medical (if for example, chemo made him impotent), it wouldn't matter in the least. It's the fact that he masturbates rather than having sex with me that breaks my heart.

So judge me. Everything else is perfect: I cannot contemplate ever being happy without him in my life because he is my heart and my best friend, I love him more than anything and we have what appears to be a charmed life so I suspect I'll be flamed for making a fuss about this. AIBU to be increasingly unhappy with this sexless situation? What do I do?

[Pukkapik]

YANBU at all. Seriously.
And it is fortunate that it is early days in your marriage to broach the subject and do something about it together. Please do. Go to couples counselling where you both have to open up.
Voice of experience here - If you leave it, you will eventually have an affair /resent him (which ironically will put you off him! ... which is a whole new kettle of fish.)

[OurGlass]

You are not being unreasonable. I know how you feel and it hurts x

[squoosh]

You might find some helpful reading here OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1953405-To-want-more-sex

[teatowel]

I nearly ruined my marriage and caused my husband to have a breakdown and eventually an affair because we had no sex life. Eventually after 20 years I was diagnosed as having lichen sclerosus which is why I couldn't stand sex. We are I think just accepting of the situation now but I grieve for what could have been, for the very real unhappiness we have had in what is basically a good marriage. You need to get help at least for yourself because you will end up making yourself ill.

[Pigeonsaregreedy]

Dear Utterly, it is painful to admit this but I could have written exactly the same post when I was your age. However, I am now 20 years down the line, still with my husband who still does not want sex!
Like your DH he is lovely, caring, a fantastic father and now grandfather. At first I thought he no longer fancied me. I had not put on weight and was still a size 12, so please ladies, don't think weight is an issue.
Neither is it your 'fault' OP.
You are not to blame for having a normal sex drive. Your man probably has a low sex drive and needs to be checked out by your GP for any medical reasons.
Eventually, I persuaded my DH to see our doc who did all the tests.
No, he does not have low testosterone levels. Everything was 'normal'. This points to psychological reasons but DH would not go to counselling with me to address that.
In his background he had a very domineering mother, and he was always a bit prudish. That's all. No abuse as far as I know. Yes, we have discussed that. I did wonder if he was gay at one point while clutching at straws and gave him every opportunity to come out, but no.
How we managed to have two DCs I don't know!
Over the years our sporadic sex life dwindled to nil a bout five years ago. He admits to occasional urges, but does not act upon them.
Why do I stay? Because he is a good man and I know he loves me. Added bonus is I am 99 per cent sure he will never stray!
Yes, I realise I will get flamed for being a wuss. But I do know I could leave him or have an affair any time. I choose not to, and to stay with him, even though it's frustrating as hell living like a nun with a good looking man in the house!
But the decision is down to you OP and I really appreciate how you are feeling.

[VeryAgedParent]

This was one of the reasons I left my first marriage (there were others) I felt so rejected, unattractive, and miserable and hurt and I can only sympathise with you OP.
It is difficult you are parents, and you love him dearly, but you do have to look at the fact that that there is likely to be even less intimacy as the years go on, can you accept that.

Does he appear to enjoy it when you DTD? Does he initiate sex ever? If you suggested "having a shower " with him would he be up for it?

[ineedabodytransplant]

OP, please don't let things drag on too long before he sees someone about it, if he really cares about you. Otherwise you will become bitter and lose any love for him.

I went for 18 years without sex, without kisses and cuddles as well.

My ex-wife had health problems and this caused a long term lack of enthusiasm for intimacy, even when she felt better it didn't happen. Eventually she just gave up and I was out in the cold. She just wasn't bothered. I stayed that long because I, stupidly, believed in my wedding vows.

We split up late last year but I think it's too late for me now. I'm mid 50s, haven't had sex since I was 41 and can't see any woman being at all interested in me now. So i just have to 'suffer in silence' now (except on here , of course ).

[ahbollocks]

Thats a good point upthread OP. Does he enjoy it when you do do it? As in maintain an erection, orgasm etc?
Tge thing with me is I do talk myself into it once a week or so, because once it is under way I do genuinely enjoy myself, I suppose it just doesn't occur to me naturally anymore.
Dh doesnt know about any of this but my previous long term partner was a bit weird sexually;would constantly turn me down or if he did initiate thing he would try things that I dont like and I think it has done a number on my sexual confidence iyswim?
Luckily with dh I feel safe and confident so I hope in the years to follow I'll get my groove back! At the mo it seems far away because we have toddlers and have had a stressful couple of years financially.

[scatteroflight]

OP, I believe your DH. It sounds like you are stuck with someone with a low libido. In internet parlance this is sometimes called a "dead bedroom" and you'll find lots on it if you Google.

There are some strategies for working around it - scheduling in sex etc. But it takes understanding. Making someone have sex with you when they don't want it is difficult (particularly if they are a man), so the onus is generally on the high libido person to decide whether this is something they can live with or whether they think they should leave.

Sorry you're in this position.

[ApplePaltrow]

If he masturbates once every six weeks, he has a low sex drive. I doubt it's anything that can be "fixed" because this is just his biological drive. There's a spectrum and he's on the low end. I'm sorry.

[UtterlyCrushed]

You've all raised some very good points that I hadn't considered before, thank you.

On his libido being low: I could live with that if he came to me for satisfaction rather than masturbating.

On him enjoying sex: he gets very excited very quickly so it's often over very fast and when he's done, he'll only continue for me about half the time, and when he does that it feels like a chore he thinks he has to do. It's so depressing to think of it. And its almost always when we're already in bed in pyjamas. No foreplay, no flirting... Just writing this makes me sad.

[cleanmyhouse]

I was in a relationship like this at your age. I totally understand that awful feeling of desperation and rejection. It's the loneliest feeling. We used to talk about it, he went to the dr, nothing physically wrong. I was devastated when we ended, even though i instigated it because i really did love him, but the rejection was crushing my self esteem.

It took me a long time to get over that and a long time to get my mojo back because in my head, feeling aroused usually ended up in rejection.

I'm not sure what to advise. Can you sacrifice sex for an otherwise happy relationship? i don't think i could.

[UtterlyCrushed]

Clean: that's exactly it. Well summarised.

[ahbollocks]

So its almost lIke premature ejaculation? That must be an absolute confidence destroyer for him.
Do you use toys etc?
Maybe he could pleasure you first before entering you or use a cockring?
Sorry if tmi

[UtterlyCrushed]

(In that that's the question).

The thing is, I love him more than anything. Ican't imagine life without him. He makes me so happy in every other way.

[goldenteapot]

This was a massive problem in my now ex marriage. I can't believe how bad it was, looking back. I spent my most gorgeous years being rejected!!! I'm now in a relationship where I can actually DTD whenever I like and it's unbelieavle how much calmer I am about life in general.

I've got no advice as I tried everything to sort it but eventually it was another nail in the coffin.

[UtterlyCrushed]

Thank you bluedressinggown that's very sweet!

[cleanmyhouse]

yeah, we had that too. Because we were hardly ever doing it, he would cum really quickly. I used to give him a blow job first, then we would have sex again later. I would put on lingerie, buy toys, try adventurous new things. I actually couldn't believe how hard i worked to make him want to have sex with me. Eventually i went cold and stopped trying.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Do you feel he is honest about the every 6 weeks thing?

[BathtimeFunkster]

So he's a selfish lover on the rare occasions he forces himself to have sex and he masturbates regularly despite knowing that you are dying inside because of his sexual rejection.

He also lied to you to convince you your marriage would not be like this. M

I've got to say, he doesn't sound that great really.

Some people get off on denying sex to a desperate partner.

I very much doubt you will never fancy anyone else again.

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

So sorry, OP - this was my marriage too, and in the end it broke us up. Wonderful guy, kind, caring, zero interest in sex. Didn't even wank. Would never discuss it - if I tried to talk about why we didn't have sex he would say that we were just 'out of the habit.'

Please try and get him to see a sex counsellor with you. It's a specialist branch of couples counselling, and I think it's based in the Tavistock Centre, but that was a while ago.

I've had a couple of relationships since with great, uninhibited sex and I am sad that something so important was missing from our relationship. We left it too late to try and fix it - I had made my mind up to leave by the time he agreed to counselling.

[Minerves]

Eh, sex is the least important pary of a marriage imho

[Fairy13]

I don't have any advice.
I'm posting because I was about to post about my (new) relationship with a lovely, lovely man...with no interest in sex. Reading this post was like reading about my future.

you obviously love him very much. Can you try a sex therapist? Good luck.

[caitlinohara]

There is some great advice on here. The bottom line here is that you are unhappy in your relationship, and no one should be stuck in that situation. Whatever the underlying cause of this, if he loves you then he should be prepared to tackle it. I'm afraid that although a bit harsh, bathtimefunkster does have a point - he made a commitment to you to sort this out and then bottled it. I'm not suggesting he is "using sex as a weapon", but if this carries on with you wanting and him denying, that totally tilts the balance of power in his direction. Good luck.

[UtterlyCrushed]

Thanks all. I think that I'm concerned about it overall. Actually this time it's sticking in my mind - usually we discuss it and then get over it. But I'm finding it really hard to move on this time.

I wish he'd kept his word to look into it even though I don't think a doctor can help. My hurt isn't stemming from the infrequency of the sex on its own. It's the fact that even when he does want sex he doesn't turn to me.

I'm not sure what to do.

Very aged, he wouldn't be interested in taking a shower I don't think, not without a lot of booze. The romantic double tub in our honeymoon suite was only used by me, not us.

Pigeons, I'm not sure about counselling. He's a really private person. And he's maintained that there's nothing wrong. So I'm worried he'd refuse because he'll know he'll have to discuss it in depth if we go.

Does it look like I'm stuck? I feel stuck. Has anyone had this and had it change on its own?