To go on this holiday anyway?

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My sister lives in Australia, she lives there with her partner and their two children and has done for over 10 years. Last year, she was diagnosed with cancer and had a horrendous year with serious operations, one round of radiotherapy, two of chemo and a full hysterectomy. She was unbelievably brave and it was a really tough time, my parents took turns flying out there for long periods of time and the year took its toll on everyone. In February this year they all came back to the UK for an undetermined amount of time to rest. Her partner has since got a job here and the rough plan is now to stay until the new year. She is still finding life very tough, coping with two young children and the emotional fall out of cancer and the hysterectomy. She suffers with huge outbursts and since February has had fairly large arguments with my parents, her partners parents...99% of the time caused and instigated by her. That's the backstory.

In January this year, me and DH booked a holiday with my mum and stepdad. A week in Spain in a caravan, nothing fancy, two separate caravans. We paid for ours, mum paid for hers. After my sister got here my Mum started panicking and saying "maybe Stepdad could not come and Sister and her family share the caravan with me?" Mum mentioned it to sister, who was completely non committal and just said "yeah, maybe, if we're still here." I also discussed with sister and she just said "how much do you think flights would be?"

Stepdad has since decided he definitely is coming (serious birdwatcher, wants to see birds in the area ) so I phoned sister and said "this holiday, Stepdad is definitely coming, so if you did want to come you'd need to book your own caravan, shall I look into it?"

She has, completely lost the plot about this. Accused us of "colluding" against her, taking a free holiday away from her, and basically, rather epically lost her shit. She can still come, no one mentioned paying for her, and if it were a case of needing a free holiday, they're just about to buy her a significantly priced ring.

What are people's thoughts? Think I've given all the points.

Hit me with your worst.

It sounds like your sister is being unreasonable. It also sounds as if she is really struggling to cope with the way her life has changed since her cancer diagnosis. Was she always someone prone to outbursts?

I'd be amazed if she could afford the insurance tbh.

YANBU, however it seems as though your sister is really suffering with the psychological aspect of her illness. Is she getting professional support for that?

She is very much struggling, I'm pretty sure she's is depressed which is no real shock. It is very difficult to suggest that to someone, I'm fairly sure she would be very annoyed with me. She refuses to take anything for the hysterectomy saying she's been on enough drugs, which I do get but she's hugely emotional/irrational but doesn't see it in herself. It's all very difficult for everyone.

To answer your question, DH did say last night "your sister was difficult before all this happened Exit, it was only ever going to get worse given the circumstances."

I was also due to have my daughter a naming ceremony this week actually and cancelled it because sister said the church I had chosen (multi faith) supports religions that think "people like her deserve to get cancer." I couldn't bare the thought of her feeling like that at what was supposed to be a happy occasion so I cancelled, which personally I was very disappointed. Selfishly I suppose, I now feel like she's ruined another of my "nice things" this year because even if we go she's put a bitter spin on the whole thing. DH is even phoning our holiday insurance to see if we can cancel this morning. I'm very upset by the whole thing.

Thanks Shakira, no she's so far declined any counselling or emotional support. She's "obsessed" by cancer. Reads books about mums dying, is constantly on forums...at the moment she is cancer free. I'm not professing to understand but it's become all consuming. Everything you say is "well, if you had been through what I've been through you might feel XYZ..."

Please do not cancel. Be clear to your sister that it was never free, and they can come they just have to book it.

Having cancer does not entitle someone to be a massive arsehole all the time.

Does the multi faith church support the notion that people deserve to get cancer? Or is this just in her imagination?

Your sister sounds as though she is really struggling with her diagnosis and the changes it has forced upon her family. The expense of medical treatment may have been a factor on the decision to relocate to the UK for an extended period so lots of pressure on her and her dp.

Going to Spain without travel insurance is foolish and Spain doesn't honour E111s. Get insurance will be expensive or even not possible. If she does want to go couldn't they share part of both caravans?

This is very difficult. She's obviously really struggling and that's understandable and some leeway needs to be given.

But I did think, I expect this person was difficult beforehand. Cancer doesn't automatically turn you into a Saint, and she is being unfair. Of course she's going to rail against the world and be angry at what's happened to her. But it really doesn't mean she's entitled to be horrible to the people she loves and who love her.

I don't think you should cancel the holiday. It's going to sound terrible and I don't mean it to, but I don't believe cancer should hold all of life hostage. To some extent life needs to go on, and this holiday is something you have looked forward to and which she didn't seem that keen on anyway. I'm also not sure she will actually get insurance, I don't know how these things work, and even if a holiday like that would be a good idea for her health right now?

Has anyone actually told her she's behaving badly? I think she needs to hear it. Sometimes we need people to be tough with us, otherwise we get used to throwing fits (again, understandable under the circumstances, but still not really justifiable in my opinion) and become stuck in quite unhealthy patterns of behaviour.

Has she had any help with counselling? It must be very tough for her. But it still doesn't mean she should be allowed to be nasty to everyone over and over again.

and I wish her all the best as she recovers.

Don't cancel your holiday op, you have tried everything to be accommodating for her and it sounds like all the family have really rallied around to support her during a difficult time.

It does sound like she needs some counselling, maybe a serious talk with her in this direction might change her mind about it?

Don't cancel your holiday, she's just being childish. I know she's had a rough time, her hormones have gone nuts and she's probably worried the cancer will come back but that doesn't give her a free pass to behave like an arse. Don't let her spoil this for you.

Keep telling her that she can book a caravan if she wants to join you, and if she gets in quick she will get cheaper flights.

I also don't think you should have cancelled your daughter's naming ceremony. It's done now, so no matter, but really, you can't heal her pain by giving up everything that makes you happy. I think that might be what you are unconsciously trying to do.

Be careful about going overboard in accommodating. First of all, it's not good for her to be pandered to like a spoilt child. Secondly, I don't think it's healthy to give someone else that kind of power over your life and your decisions, cancer or not.

Alternative, she's adamant Mum has taken a "free holiday" from her. When she is in a temper like this you can't rationalise with her, she just sees red and fills in the gaps to suit her own agenda. She wouldn't answer the phone to me yesterday so some fairly heated texts were exchanged...I said "full house on upsetting everyone now - well done" which I suppose I do regret. I said she's not the only one to consider and other people in the family have "needs and wants" not least to "need" a holiday. I've (gladly) put myself out for her and helped as much as I can and it now just feels like my turn to "be on the receiving end." It's just an awful "rock and hard place" situation.

The church supports all faiths and funnily enough our older children (mine and sisters) had a joint naming ceremony before all this happened which we all loved. She thinks (I don't know the ins and outs) but that because the church supports Muslim and Buddhists - they think that when someone has a serious illness it's because of sins in a previous life?

Why does she think it's a free holiday?

I think your mum and step dad need to talk to her, not you.

Don't cancel. What she has been through is horrendous. But it can't control everything everyone does.

I am assuming if she won't take anything, then her hormones will all be out of sync, is that correct? Add that on to everything and I can see why she is the way she is. But it doesn't mean no one else can do anything.

Tell her it was never a free holiday and she is more than welcome to come. If she refuses to engage, still don't cancel. Unfortunately life can not stand still for everyone. Especially if she is refusing help. Your dh also says she was difficult before, so this can't be a great shock to you.

Have you spoken to her partner? What does he think of it, does he feel she needs some help?

Thanks all, I very much appreciate all your input. Penfold, I'm afraid I just couldn't bear to share at the moment. She's so volatile and I feel her moods would rule the holiday, that sounds awful I know. Our eldest kids also clash quite badly, they would need their own space.

She had private insurance in Australia but is under NHS doctors here. I didn't even think of the insurance, I assumed she would travel without.

Also, just to add, she isn't still having treatment. Her next thing is a scan in September. That was thrown in yesterday, she "needs" this holiday before her big scan.

Tbh I don't feel it's awful that you don't want to share. She's not behaving well and it absolutely would ruin the holiday. Your children deserve a happy holiday with their parents and grandparents. You and your husband deserve some time relaxing after a very difficult year. She deserves a break, too, of course, but she could have one, she's just decided to be unreasonable.

She is going to have to sort herself out at some point or she won't be able to live well and happily. Obviously that is going to happen at whatever pace she is able, but in the meantime she needs to be told not to be horrible.

You know that if your sister comes it will ruin everyone's holiday and probably cause relationships to get more strained. Personally I wouldn't contemplate going away with her. Toughen up and think about your own little family's needs and just don't mention the holiday again.

I suppose she thinks it's free because she the suggestion (that was never accepted) was for her to share with Mum and she presumed that was Mum paying, which probably would have happened TBH.

Mum spent the afternoon with her yesterday and she was following Mum around going over and over the same issues "why didn't you phone me and not Exit" "you've offered me something and taken it away" "it's alright for Exit, she's had all this inheritance" (complete lie on behalf, we bought a house off DHs family when his Nan died for market price, no inheritance.)

Don't cancel the holiday. I also feel a lot of sympathy for your sister's situation but after you've said that about the naming ceremony I think the situation is more complex.

Your sister seems to be focusing a lot of her negative feelings on you. Which is understandable to some extent. She's very ill, she's had to give up an attractive ex pat lifestyle and become dependent on your parents again and lost her circle of friends and support she would have had there. Plus she has lost her womb which is a powerful loss for a lot of women.

I think it must be very hard for her to see you in a different stage of your life where you are happy with a new baby, are going on holiday and arranging an event all your friends and family will be at. I think she's trying to sabotage your plans for both events out of jealousy. I don't think calling her an 'arse' is helpful as she's obviously in a situation she's struggling with and doesn't really have the capacity to deal with.

But I don't think you should have to put your life on hold and I think you should be assertive and not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty.

Aermingers, totally agree with all your points. I'm not sure she's jealous of my life, she fully intends to return to Australia to her old life.

She was diagnosed with cancer two weeks after her second baby was born so he's still only a little over one. It's a huge amount to cope with. It breaks my heart to see her like this, I love and admire her so much but I'm exhausted by her at the moment. I've helped her honestly as much as I can, it just feels like a massive "piss on my chips" again. It's a bloody caravan in Spain, not a trip to Necker Island!

I don't know what to do. I've attended private hospital appointments with her, I've introduced her to my mum friends, I've insured her on my car, I've organised things for her upcoming engagement party, I hosted and catered her baby's first birthday, I've looked after her children meaning I had four under 4, I've babysat for her...I'm working 4 days a week myself. I really don't want to extend the olive branch on this occasion but at the back of my mind is a fear she'll die and this argument will always be on my conscience.

I don't want to cancel but it just feels like the quickest way to appease her. Her oncologist said "minimise stress" and every time she gets into one of these rages I just imagine the toll it's taking on her, physically and mentally. She's so weak, poor thing. I'm her biggest champion, really I am. I don't want to be arguing with her, I just lost my temper in the heat of the moment as I was at work, phoned my mum to check on my kids and mum was in tears on the phone because sister had "gone for her." My Mum is exhausted.

Fucking cancer.

Hmm. It sounds to me like you rather need this holiday. Your caravan was always yours, and I assume your flights are booked and paid for?
Awful though it sounds, I would leave your sister and mum to deal with the rest of it. Has she got flights sorted yet? If not the they're not really out of pocket, and if yes then surely another caravan would solve the problem.

I agree with pp's that she is probably really struggling but having cancer doesn't make you a saint. Plenty of people have life threatening terrifying illnesses without being massive twits about it. Unfortunately it sounds like it may have magnified your sisters previous tendencies to be a massive twat.

Disengage.

Your sister has been through a tremendous amount. However, I don't think you need to cancel events and holidays because of your sister's outbursts. I know it's hard but you need to stand your ground. You have done nothing unreasonable. You really want to avoid this dynamic, particularly if she's settling in UK.

But the main thing I wanted to say is - were her ovaries removed and was she of childbearing age when she had the hysterectomy? If so and she is not on any meds, her body will have plunged into menopause. Which could produce quite explosive emotions. So this volatility could also be partly physiological.

Sorry, crosspost. You sound like a wonderful sister, but this must all be having a massive toll on you too. Not least the amount of extras you have taken on on her behalf. Don't cancel your holiday, you sound like you really need it.

What are her partner's views on all this?

And your step dad?

Was he cross at being told he wasn't going on his holiday?
Presumably so as he does actually want to go!

I think your mum should never have offered for your sister to stay in her caravan. How big are the caravans-is it supposed to be your brother in law too?

Yes, she's 35 and has gone through a full menopause. It's awful. She says anytime HRT or anything is vaguely mentioned that she's been through Menopause now and has been on enough drugs and moves on.