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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this holiday anyway?

86 replies

ExitStageLeft · 22/04/2015 07:30

My sister lives in Australia, she lives there with her partner and their two children and has done for over 10 years. Last year, she was diagnosed with cancer and had a horrendous year with serious operations, one round of radiotherapy, two of chemo and a full hysterectomy. She was unbelievably brave and it was a really tough time, my parents took turns flying out there for long periods of time and the year took its toll on everyone. In February this year they all came back to the UK for an undetermined amount of time to rest. Her partner has since got a job here and the rough plan is now to stay until the new year. She is still finding life very tough, coping with two young children and the emotional fall out of cancer and the hysterectomy. She suffers with huge outbursts and since February has had fairly large arguments with my parents, her partners parents...99% of the time caused and instigated by her. That's the backstory.

In January this year, me and DH booked a holiday with my mum and stepdad. A week in Spain in a caravan, nothing fancy, two separate caravans. We paid for ours, mum paid for hers. After my sister got here my Mum started panicking and saying "maybe Stepdad could not come and Sister and her family share the caravan with me?" Mum mentioned it to sister, who was completely non committal and just said "yeah, maybe, if we're still here." I also discussed with sister and she just said "how much do you think flights would be?"

Stepdad has since decided he definitely is coming (serious birdwatcher, wants to see birds in the area Grin) so I phoned sister and said "this holiday, Stepdad is definitely coming, so if you did want to come you'd need to book your own caravan, shall I look into it?"

She has, completely lost the plot about this. Accused us of "colluding" against her, taking a free holiday away from her, and basically, rather epically lost her shit. She can still come, no one mentioned paying for her, and if it were a case of needing a free holiday, they're just about to buy her a significantly priced ring.

What are people's thoughts? Think I've given all the points.

Hit me with your worst.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 23/04/2015 06:30

Ok OP. Dont broach the subject again and if she contacts you about just suggest she sorts it out with your mother. You have tried your best but she should not be controlling your life like that. And go on the holiday come what may.

lougle · 23/04/2015 07:16

I've read the thread, then gone back to your OP and reread it.

I think your sister has a point, sorry! From your OP,both you and your Mum told your sister that she could come and share a caravan (with the implication that it's booked and paid for already).

Now, your sister didn't commit. Maybe she was giving it thought, etc., I do see that it seems a bit ungrateful. However, to then retract the offer is mean.

I think (personally) that if the caravan cost is £600, you should offer to go 1/3 with mum & SIL to cover the cost of the caravan. The flights and insurance are down to your SIL.

shewept · 23/04/2015 07:32

Why should the op pay for a third of a caravan she isn't staying in?

AlternativeTentacles · 23/04/2015 07:49

No - if the stepdad wants to come the only responses to "this holiday, Stepdad is definitely coming, so if you did want to come you'd need to book your own caravan, shall I look into it?" should be 'oh yes please' or 'no we don't think it for us, thanks for thinking of us'.

MrsRossPoldark · 23/04/2015 07:50

Your sister needs help and fast. I had BC 10 years ago and although I coped very well during the treatment and kept my sense of humour throughout, 6 months after I completed treatment, I finally gave in and had a complete meltdown in a shopping centre!

My best friend is a pretty straight talker and heard what happened from DH. She came straight round and insisted I get to my GP for antidepressants. That was the turning point and I was so much better and back to my old self.

I think what people forget and you and especially your sister forget (everyone does it!) is that while you can hold it together to just get through the treatment and no one 'minds' when you have an angry day, once you have finished you can feel as if you've been 'dumped' - you suddenly realise there's no one medical there to make sure you're OK and that can be quite a shock. The fear of a recurrence is always there (I still fret every now and again) but she needs to get some perspective. She's ok, she has family support and life has to get back to normal.

Be straight with her - tell her that you and your family need to get on with your own lives and she needs to accept that she doesn't need to cope all on her own and get to her GP at least for antidepressants (there is no shame in this) if not for counselling. Flowers

RobotLover68 · 23/04/2015 09:12

same as MrsRossPoldark I'm 9 years on from bowel cancer - I got through and finished the treatment, but my meltdown came about 6 months later. I felt there was no medical people around any more to set my mind at rest (I'd gone from 2-3 times a week down to 3 month check-ups)

I went down the counselling route but I would have taken anti-depressants if I thought I'd needed to

I think she's being unreasonable about the holiday though and I had terrible trouble getting insurance

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 23/04/2015 21:20

Yes, I can totally see she sees "lost" without the slog of medical appointments that there was last year.

I'm not paying for her to have a caravan. I can barely afford this holiday myself. She has today found out she will continue to be paid for as long as she needs it.

Still no contact and another meltdown with my mum yesterday. Sad

OP posts:
DoJo · 23/04/2015 21:48

Think of it like this:
You cancelled your baby's naming ceremony to appease her. Did it actually have that effect? Was she really appreciative and gracious about the fact that you gave up something that was important to you in order to make things easier for her? Or did she just move on to the next row with the next person over the next thing that affronted her? Leaving you feeling bitter and frustrated and not actually making a blind bit of difference as far as making her 'happy' as you had intended to do?

If you cancel your holiday to appease her, do you think it would make a difference to her overall happiness and improve her mood in general? Or would it leave you and your kids feeling disappointed, your family missing out on something that should be a pleasant treat for nothing because she will have something else to be raging about in due course?

DinosaursRoar · 23/04/2015 21:52

Don't chase her. I think your DM is being unfair too, dragging you into it, really it's your mum's screw up, she promised something without checking that step-dad didn't want to go. If your mum starts on at you about your sister, refuse to discuss it, say that you don't want to hear about it, it's between your mum and your sister, they need to sort it out, your caravan was always just for you, your DH and DCs, that's what you've paid for and anything else is between sister and mum. Hold that line with both of them.

It is often the case that diffciult people just get more difficult when something happens that means everyone stops 'calling them' on bad behaviour - in your sister's case, it's such a huge thing thats happened ot her, that of course bad behaviour is ignored. But she can't get used to that, and you don't have to tip toe around her.

I would also re-book your naming ceremony, she can chose not to come if she doesnt want to. Just because she says the church believes that she deserves her cancer, if you are certain that's not what they say, then ignore it.

DinosaursRoar · 23/04/2015 21:53

I wish I could like your post DoJo - OP, she's right, there's always going to be something else you need to sacrifice to make her happy. But nothing you can do will make that happen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2015 01:19

She is angry. Cancel, don't cancel; she will still be angry. If you cancel, she will be angry and you won't have a holiday either...

ItsADinosaur · 24/04/2015 06:57

Do not cancel.

DoJo is spot on. There will always be something for her to be angry about. If it's not the holiday it will be something else and something else. You need this holiday, go.

Whocansay · 24/04/2015 07:19

This isn't your problem to solve. It's your mother's. She made the offer. Let her deal with it. Back away from this completely.

Why on earth would you think you would have to cancel your holiday for this? It's ludicrous. Don't do it.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 24/04/2015 08:14

Really, really thankful for everyone's input. I'm very grateful and have read all your points carefully. Thank you so, so much. I suppose my real fear in all this is at some point the worse happening and me feeling regret and guilt. I just want her to be happy and healthy but feel very upset my her on this occasion. I found out yesterday from my Dad that she will continue to be paid for the foreseeable future at 90% of her pay, so that coupled with her partners pay means they have no financial restrictions of they did want to come, by any stretch of the imagination. My Mum called her on it yesterday and asked her did she ever actually want to come on the holiday and she skirted round it saying she absolutely did but her partner didn't. My Mum said that was never an option as it wasn't fair to ask my DH to come on a holiday with three women and she just reverted to this never ending cycle of being given something and then having it taken away. My poor Mum is at the end of her tether.

OP posts:
LIZS · 24/04/2015 08:21

Tbh I think she is more worried about everyone going away and leaving her to cope for a week than wanting the holiday itself. Agree with others that she is using this to vent and would find something else even if you reached a solution. Your dm hasn't helped herself though, did she suggest booking another caravan ?

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2015 08:23

I really think you and your mum both need to stop discussing this with her now.

The worst happening, yes it might Sad Flowers But it won't be any easier to take for having given up your own life. That's not how it works.

Collaborate · 24/04/2015 08:26

Agree 100% that you should ignore her and go on your holiday/do your own stuff without reference to her, but this:

it wasn't fair to ask my DH to come on a holiday with three women

I just can't understand.

AlternativeTentacles · 24/04/2015 08:31

she just reverted to this never ending cycle of being given something and then having it taken away.

Someone needs to tell her to wind her neck in and get over it!

'Yes, so you keep saying. It's space in a caravan not a bloody diamond ring. Get over it!'.

londonrach · 24/04/2015 08:41

Please dont cancel. Sounds like you all need a break. As for your sister having a cancer diagnosis is awful and she has been through hell.

My mum had breast cancer (still clear) over 6 years ago and only now is she saying positive things again. For example if i crossed the road it was dont you might get run over. This was despite the road being clear. Small example but this was for every single aspect of life anyone did. Mum was scare, really scared of dying. Understandable but very hard for her and others around her. i really think your sister needs some counselling as her diagnosis and treatment she has had and are having are still effecting her. However you cant let her ruin and run our lifes. In a few years time she understand. No way should you share. Your dm should just explain that this holiday is booked and they are all going. Sister is welcome to come but will need to book and pay for a caravan and flights. If sister doesnt come maybe you can all go away for a couple of days as a family in this country somewhere by the sea that relaxing. Thinking south coast or norfolk coast. I really think your sister needs rest, rest, rest and she needs to discover the joy of living again which in the hell of cancer shes lost. (Sorry if this upset anyone but im only talking from seeing my mum lose her joy of living, may be wrong way of saying it) What did she enjoy doing pre to cancer. Best thing my sister and i did was pay for a facial for my mum. It was the start of the road of recovery re the negativity. We all understand why mum was like that but on a day to day living it was hard.

So op give yourself a break go on this holiday. Eat good food, laugh, read books, relax, explore Spanish towns, build sandcastles.... Return to the uk relaxed and refreshed and able to support your sister better. Also see if you can sister to get professional help. Xxxx

londonrach · 24/04/2015 08:42

Sorry if my words are clumsy but im dyslexic and not good at putting into written words what im trying to say xxx

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 24/04/2015 08:52

Collaborate - my DH going on holiday with a mum, two daughters and the children wouldn't be his idea of fun without any male company. Sorry if that offends but that's the truth.

Alternative, funny you mention diamond rings....she bought her engagement ring for 2.5k yesterday!

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/04/2015 08:53

Yanbu to go on the holiday
Your dm was unreasonable in offering the false hope about the holiday.

Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 24/04/2015 08:54

Thank you London, unfortunately, before all this her joy was work which is another loss for her at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExitStageLeft · 24/04/2015 08:54

Good point Amanda.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 24/04/2015 08:57

Well, there you go then. Why is she even worried about a week in a caravan in the first place unless it is about her just finding every stick possible to beat you up with?

Tell her the options and leave it to her to decide. Offer her the support but don't run about trying to appease her.

Did you have any evidence that the religions you mentioned says that people are to blame for cancer? Or did you just cancel as soon as she said it?