To go on this holiday anyway?

[ExitStageLeft]

My sister lives in Australia, she lives there with her partner and their two children and has done for over 10 years. Last year, she was diagnosed with cancer and had a horrendous year with serious operations, one round of radiotherapy, two of chemo and a full hysterectomy. She was unbelievably brave and it was a really tough time, my parents took turns flying out there for long periods of time and the year took its toll on everyone. In February this year they all came back to the UK for an undetermined amount of time to rest. Her partner has since got a job here and the rough plan is now to stay until the new year. She is still finding life very tough, coping with two young children and the emotional fall out of cancer and the hysterectomy. She suffers with huge outbursts and since February has had fairly large arguments with my parents, her partners parents...99% of the time caused and instigated by her. That's the backstory.

In January this year, me and DH booked a holiday with my mum and stepdad. A week in Spain in a caravan, nothing fancy, two separate caravans. We paid for ours, mum paid for hers. After my sister got here my Mum started panicking and saying "maybe Stepdad could not come and Sister and her family share the caravan with me?" Mum mentioned it to sister, who was completely non committal and just said "yeah, maybe, if we're still here." I also discussed with sister and she just said "how much do you think flights would be?"

Stepdad has since decided he definitely is coming (serious birdwatcher, wants to see birds in the area ) so I phoned sister and said "this holiday, Stepdad is definitely coming, so if you did want to come you'd need to book your own caravan, shall I look into it?"

She has, completely lost the plot about this. Accused us of "colluding" against her, taking a free holiday away from her, and basically, rather epically lost her shit. She can still come, no one mentioned paying for her, and if it were a case of needing a free holiday, they're just about to buy her a significantly priced ring.

What are people's thoughts? Think I've given all the points.

Hit me with your worst.

Her current joy should not be winding her family up though!

alternative that just sounds so harsh.

Ok what aspect of work did she enjoy. Can that somehow be transferred to something else. Was it talking to people, getting figures to add up.....

Exit: Go and enjoy your holiday.

Let me warn you that when someone close dies you will probably have irrational guilt about something or other and it really is irrational.

Please enjoy your time away in the sunshine and stop thinking about guilt.

Have a great holiday.

I think that you should go on the holiday, as should your stepfather.

If sister is to be accommodated it should be in a separate caravan with her own family imo.

Is your sister & family currently living with your mum?

If so, perhaps they need a break from each other & it would be better for your sister & family to holiday elsewhere or for her partner to take time off & be with her whilst you are all away?

Collaborate - my DH going on holiday with a mum, two daughters and the children wouldn't be his idea of fun without any male company. Sorry if that offends but that's the truth.

I wasn't offended. It's just as the owner of a Y chromosome myself I wouldn't imagine it ruining my holiday, or playing any part in how much I'd enjoy it. Being with family is what counts.

Glad you're sticking to your guns anyway.

This is slightly different but I see echoes in your DSis's behaviour. My DM died of cancer when I was 16 and for quite a while after I was angry with the whole world. I felt that something so awful and unfair had happened to me and nobody could possibly understand. I got it into my head that the world owed me for what I had been through. Every perceived unfairness, every time someone got something I didn't or was put ahead of me was magnified. I felt a burning sense of injustice that my life should have been so disrupted at a young age. I wonder if your DSis feels that life if very unfair and unkind at the moment and perceives others as having it easy and so duty bound to make her life better. She is in competition with everyone even though nobody else is competing with her.

Time and counselling helped sort me out.

I just wanted to say you sound like a very caring, loving and kind sister, don't beat yourself up for feeling understandably frustrated. She is being unreasonable but I don't think she's really in control of this or able to see things clearly. Feeling angry is horrible, it's very hard but try not to get wrapped up in it. Be clear to her, be kind to yourself and be fair to your own needs. She will see things differently in time.

What did you decide op?

I've spoken with my sister, she contacted me and apologised. I've also apologised for being harsh. She's seeing a doctor on Tuesday to talk about the hysterectomy and look into some counselling which I'm so pleased about. She's also got access (only via phone and email but, still) to a counsellor in Australia. She's under a huge amount of pressure and I really feel for her, I'm really hopeful this will be beneficial for her.

We are still going on the holiday, as is my Mum and stepdad. It will be more beneficial for her and her partner to get away on their own so me and my Mum will be looking after their children for 5 days later in the summer.

Thank you to each of you for all your comments, they've been incredibly helpful at a really difficult time for me.

I'm glad that your sister is getting the help that it sounds like she needs - hopefully the situation with the holiday (and what you perceive as your harshness towards her) made her realise how much people were trying to make her happy and that if it wasn't working, maybe she needed some professional assistance. Enjoy your holiday and I hope your sister enjoys hers too.