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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed that DP refuses to tell me where he went?

80 replies

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:18

Yesterday I was home from work before DP got back and was on the phone when he got in. He milled around for a while before getting in the car and driving off, didn't attempt to speak to me at all in that time.

He was gone at least 2 hours and didn't answer the phone when I called or messaged him (although we are in a rural area so there is a good chance that he didn't have any signal etc).

When he got back I asked where he went so suddenly and he refused to tell me, just kept saying 'it's private' and 'it's none of your business/nothing to do with you'. Aibu to feel really annoyed and upset that he won't tell me where he was? I'm not trying to keep tabs on him or anything, I don't mind where he went I just think it's common courtesy to let anyone you are in a relationship know where you're going late at night and roughly when you will be back. I have no secrets from DP and would (and do) tell him everything.

Aibu to be really hurt that he won't do the same? He doesn't do it on a regular basis but it has happened before and it's eating away at me where he could have been. I just feel like if it was completely innocent then why wouldn't he tell me? In my mind the only reason he would want to hide where he went is if he knew I wouldn't be happy about it :(

OP posts:

ihatelego · 20/04/2015 16:20

yanbu you need to sit down and speak to him about it honestly, he should respect you enough to treat you with consideration and be open about what he's doing i wouldn't be happy with this at all.

mynewpassion · 20/04/2015 16:25

I think you are a bit unreasonable. Sometimes I just want to be alone or do something for myself that I don't want to share. I'm an introvert and like keeping something to myself for nourishment.

If there's trust and you don't think he's doing anything nefarious, then let him be.

wowfudge · 20/04/2015 16:32

Did you mouth 'hello' or just ignore him when you were on the phone?

I don't see why he can't just tell you where he went. Was he annoyed? Did he perhaps think you would some time on the phone so he went somewhere to get you something/do something for you while he had the chance?

It does seem childish not to say.

curlyweasel · 20/04/2015 16:32

I don't think you are BU - basic courtesy would apply even if he needed a bit of time for himself. It would piss me off a lot and make me anxious if my DP did this.

Droflove · 20/04/2015 16:33

I think it's cruel of him to leave you wondering. Does he always like to hold such a power over you? I totally understand that people sometimes need some time out but in that case I'd still say 'I needed time out so I went to the park to just walk for an hour'. What on earth could he have been doing that merits hiding it from you. You're his partner! I'm sure it wasn't a big deal to you until he started saying it was a secret!

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 20/04/2015 16:35

if this was telly land he would be organising a really nice suprise for you.

LowryFan · 20/04/2015 16:35

Unless you have a birthday or anniversary coming up, YANBU.

Timeforabiscuit · 20/04/2015 16:36

Its rude, he doesn't have to give specifics (although that would be nice!) But its common courtesy to say whether you'll be out for five minutes or five hours!

curlyweasel · 20/04/2015 16:37

Is he a spy, op?

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2015 16:39

Unless you have a birthday or anniversary coming up, YANBU

^^THIS EXACTLY ^^^

If my OH wouldn't tell me where he had gone off to I wouldn't be impressed.
But he just wouldn't NOT tell me.

Even if he just needed a bit of space. 'Oh I just needed some alone time so went for a walk / to the pub etc....' Not difficult.

I find this weird and rude!

Jackie0 · 20/04/2015 16:39

He's being quite hurtful.
It's just rude for the sake of it.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:39

Drof, that's the thing, I really wasn't hugely concerned until he started refusing to say where he went :(

Newpassion, I totally get that he just might have wanted a bit of time to himself, I have no issues with that but I feel he could at least tell me 'I just fancied a bit of time to myself'.

Now my mind is spinning all over the place trying to search for a reasonably explanation as to why he doesn't want me to know. I feel it's cruel to leave me guessing like that, why not just mention very briefly and vaguely where he went? That's all I ask for!

OP posts:

Hathall · 20/04/2015 16:40

My dh would do that from time to time then I found out that whenever he went off and was a bit cagey about it, he'd gone to the cemetary to visit the grave if a close family member.
Is that likely?

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:41

Sorry x post, no birthdays or other special occasions coming up.

Curly, not as far as I know....

OP posts:

SparklingCheerleader · 20/04/2015 16:41

I note he's 'DP' - any chance he's planning to propose?

KoalaDownUnder · 20/04/2015 16:42

That sounds like something my ex-DP would have done. He was manipulative as hell, and liked to keep me guessing.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:42

No, hat, has has no relatives/friends that have passed that I'm aware of :/

OP posts:

curlyweasel · 20/04/2015 16:43

Then he really has no reason to keep it from you. He's being incredibly disrespectful and you need to tell him to sort it out (you say he's done it before - did you just let it ride?).

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:45

Koala, I do think he might enjoy winding me up a bit on occasion but I think I made it clear that I was upset he refused to tell me and in the end he got quite grumpy about it and told me to just drop it :(

Sparkling, it's possible but I think a bit unlikely that going off at 9pm on a Sunday could help in that situation?

OP posts:

Fevertree · 20/04/2015 16:45

Is it your birthday or anniversary soon? Could it be a nice surprise he is organising for you? I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some sort of explaination, even just 'went to see my mum' 'went to the pub' etc.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 20/04/2015 16:47

Curly, no in the end I just gave up as he refused to tell me or even give me a hint but I did stew on it for a while and had to force myself to stop thinking about it.

What's my alternative though? If he still won't tell me what can I do, I can't force him :( seems a silly reason to break up?

OP posts:

Fevertree · 20/04/2015 16:47

oops sorry am clearly a VERY slow typist!

Hathall · 20/04/2015 16:49

It was probably something really ordinary but he thinks you're expecting him to answer to you and he has to assert himself or some such bollocks.
If you've got no other reason to be suspicious of his behaviour then just leave it but he's behaving like an arse.

curlyweasel · 20/04/2015 16:53

Depends on you and how it makes you feel. It's not something I could/would put up with. But, as has been said upthread, it's not something my dp would ever do anyway (so easy for me to say iyswim). Perhaps Hat has the right approach? Is your DP generally decent? Is this just a bit of a quirk he has?

Nervo · 20/04/2015 16:53

Sounds like he went off in a huff because you were on the phone.

Now, he's embarrassed to say that so is saying nothing.

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